Discussion Anyone feel guilty that they haven't killed themselves yet?

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

I've had multiple opportunities to kill myself but I've chickened out on all of them. The first one was before anyone even knew that something was wrong with me and before whatever this is started negatively impacting my friends and family. I think it would have been better for everyone if one day everything was fine and the next I was dead, with no signs whatsoever. Instead of killing myself, however, I procrastinated and my plans got thwarted. I ended up doing the same thing (procrastinating, but this time actively fucking up my plans) around a year later. Now it's been two years that I've dragged everyone into this shitstorm that has no end in sight.

I feel like a fraud. I've been like this for two years. Ever since I started getting the PHQ9 every week, I always put "every day" for "Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or thoughts of hurting yourself in some way?" And I'm not lying. I think about killing myself every day. But if I'm really suicidal, why haven't I done it yet? It's been two goddamn years, how much more time do I need? If I haven't done it in two years, will I ever be able to go through with it? How can someone be suicidal for two years and not have killed themselves? I feel like a fraud.

 

[roseleaf]

your not alone. i've been like this for a long time and i've had a ton of plans but they all end where i just don't do it.
sometimes i walk in a room and my first thought is "how do i die, if i need to die here?" but nothing ever happens. youre not a fraud, someday we will decide our final decision and finally go through with it.
and there will be peace

i hope this brought you a little comfort. im not fully in my right mind and im trying my best to tie my experiences a little bit with yours

 

[onbekend]

Yes. Every time I've went to the shooting range, I feel regret I didn't put a bullet in my own head. Every time I've nearly died unintentionally, I feel guilt that I didn't let myself drown or choke on a piece of food for example. I may not have told anyone of my desire to CTB, but I feel guilt that I have a desire and still haven't gone through with it. Sometimes I wonder if encouragement would help, But I don't wanna be a burden on others even further than I already have.

 

[sserafim]

No, why would I feel guilty? I don't feel guilty about anything

 

[4_science]

Have you considere there might be areason why you are still around? Something inside you stoppe you. Why do you think that is? The answer is not because you are a chicken shit.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I feel guilty as well. Passively and actively suicidial for nearly a decade and watched my teenage years crumble as my family and friends were sick and tired of my mental health but didn't want to drop me in fear of being the cause of my attempts (but eventually did).

As of being an adult, most people think I'm doing okay and my suicidiality was a phase, and I guess in a way I'm not planning to CTB every single day, more like every week. I feel like my soul successfully CTB'd at 16 and nowadays I'm a living numb being just living in spite of others.

I'm not actively planning to CTB on here and I often feel like a fraud participating, especially since I joined with the intent on recovering from suicidial thoughts and openly discussing suicide judgment free from IRL intervention.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Mental illness is not fraud!

It is important to understand that experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide does not necessarily indicate an intention to act on them.

Maybe thinking about killing yourself is a self-soothing mechanism because you know it will relieve the pain you are currently experiencing.

Do you feel a sense of calmness when you think about CTB?

Suicidal people frequently use oversleeping as an escape strategy because it simulates a peaceful death.

 

[lotheb_5drop]

Same tbh. I am rooted by stuff like anime airing rn but sometimes i am reminded that I would not have any problems if I just killed myself like a hot minute ago.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Sort of, being the societal and familial drain I am.

 

[wCvML2]

Only initially, after others discovered my suicidal ideation, I felt a ton of guilt for not going through with it before they knew it. But everything quickly returned to normal after returning from the psych ward, and no one ever brought it up since then. I don't think anyone worries about us killing ourselves as much as ourselves, so I don't feel any guilt for being discovered before due time.

 

[Amnesiac_88]

Yes, i feel i should've killed myself years ago, i've been suicidal for many years and i still haven't been able to do it, i feel like a useless coward, i just keep wondering when will i finally get the courage to end it all.

 

[4_science]

Only initially, after others discovered my suicidal ideation, I felt a ton of guilt for not going through with it before they knew it. But everything quickly returned to normal after returning from the psych ward, and no one ever brought it up since then. I don't think anyone worries about us killing ourselves as much as ourselves, so I don't feel any guilt for being discovered before due time.

They haven´tsai anything because they might be struggling to grasp it or find words. dissotiation might be their way of coping. I think the misconception is time heals all wounds or by not mentioning anything they hope for yor intent to go away.Sad through is some wounds we might no be able to heal ourselves over time.

 

[wCvML2]

They haven´tsai anything because they might be struggling to grasp it or find words. dissotiation might be their way of coping. I think the misconception is time heals all wounds or by not mentioning anything they hope for yor intent to go away.Sad through is some wounds we might no be able to heal ourselves over time.

Yeah, I agree, and I'm honestly relieved to see my family able to cope and compartmentalize that event. Seeing them able to cope is why I don't feel guilty for taking my time with ctb and why I think no one should worry that much about how being at suicide risk but still alive is affecting family and friends to the point of wanting to end it sooner. OP shouldn't feel pressured to ctb or feel guilt for taking his time. The cat is already out of the bag anyway, so there's no point in further guilt-tripping ourselves over it

 

[Ambivalent1]

Guilt is a religious concept.

 

[UKscotty]

Guilt is not the word for me, disappointed is more the case.

We have to be more gentle on ourselves I have learnt. Suicide is the last resort so we will only CTB once fully ready. This takes time and patience.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Should have CTB'd yesterday - I had everything for that. Freaking false hope...