Anyone ever get those moods where the idea of dying feels just fine, like there's nothing left to do here anyway, so it's quite OK to go?

[Pain In The Ass]

But then your mood changes and some annoying feeling of 'hope' creeps back in and pisses on your resolution that dying is OK?!

 

[WorthlessTrash]

True. There's something holding me back from ordering all of my supplies and I just don't know what...

 

[Al_stargate]

At times I feel like downing some N would be quite easy, and at times I feel like it would be the hardest thing in the world. If you have hope, that's good.

 

[Darkover]

i've been good to go since i was 18, 18 years latter and i'm still here wondering why there obviolsly nothing here for me at all

 

[CommitSudoku]

Very rarely. I haven't done many things and have had to give up on a lot, usually the weight of all this and what can never be is crushing. It's rare I've felt like I've done everything, more often I might realize there isn't anything I want to do now or could do. It all usually hurts in some way, I wish I could feel it was okay.

 

[Lizzy]

I used to get into more of those moods where I'd think about wanting to die and just sob. It was painful to think about, but now I have more of those moods where it feels like a relief. I *want* to die sometimes, like in the way a kid wants summer break after a long school year. It's kinda hard to explain but I go back and forth between thinking about CTB and sobbing out of hopelessness and longing for the relief of it.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

the weight of all this and what can never be is crushing

don't get me wrong, I don't mean there's nothing left that I want to do or wish I could do, it's just there's nothing I can do because I'm in so much pain, and it's definitely 'crushing', but I have moments where I accept it, is what I mean, but then go back to not wanting to accept it

I used to get into more of those moods where I'd think about wanting to die and just sob. It was painful to think about, but now I have more of those moods where it feels like a relief. I *want* to die sometimes, like in the way a kid wants summer break after a long school year. It's kinda hard to explain but I go back and forth between thinking about CTB and sobbing out of hopelessness and longing for the relief of it.

Sounds very much like me - half the time I just want to get this shit over with, but then the rest of the time there's this annoying 'hope' that things can improve - the uncertainty is beyond frustrating

 

[deleted]

The truth is, there's nothing else to do on this site but make small talk, I never feel that hope, I have more than enough to kill myself but damn I don't want to die at 20 I don't want to believe this one will be the end after so much suffering. I also believe most people here won't kill themselves anytime soon, some never will.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

That's the path of getting to either actual ctb or recovery. Which one is going to stick when the time comes? If you are still getting that "intrusive" hope coming into the picture, then you are not there, my friend.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

That's the path of getting to either actual ctb or recovery. Which one is going to stick when the time comes? If you are still getting that "intrusive" hope coming into the picture, then you are not there, my friend.

Yes, the 'hope' comes from the idea that maybe this or that pain 'specialist' will have the answer - that there IS someone out there with the answer, or something that can be done, but the longer this goes on, and the more sick I get of feeling this pain, and the longer that magical 'specialist' remains elusive, the closer I get to CTB time.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Nothing left to do here, that's a good description. The bit of false hope teasing you when you know you'll do nothing to change it is an extra sting. I find it funny and unnerving how many thought/feeling patterns we SS dwellers share despite having little in common on paper.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I am starting to think that the reason I am subconsciously avoiding the bus is because deep down inside, I want to go to a certain place to cross off my bucket list, even though due to C-19 still being a thing, there's too much red tape to.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Nothing left to do here, that's a good description. The bit of false hope teasing you when you know you'll do nothing to change it is an extra sting. I find it funny and unnerving how many thought/feeling patterns we SS dwellers share despite having little in common on paper.

...and it's all related to the accessibility of an easy, peaceful death, because I know if I had a doctor right here now with a syringe of something sedating and lethal, offering to end it for me now, I'd say, 'Go on then, quick, get it over and done with' - the main reason I haven't gone already is because I have to do some complicated, painful shit to get it done.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not have any hope at all, and I am glad that I do not as I think that losing hope can be painful and it just can lead to more suffering. I always want to die, and I have made peace with the thought of dying, it brings me a lot of comfort, there is nothing for me here and there is no reason for me to stay alive. I am only still here as it is so difficult for me to leave this world. I wish that I could pass away peacefully in my sleep and be free from this existence.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I do not have any hope at all, and I am glad that I do not as I think that losing hope can be painful and it just can lead to more suffering. I always want to die, and I have made peace with the thought of dying, it brings me a lot of comfort, there is nothing for me here and there is no reason for me to stay alive. I am only still here as it is so difficult for me to leave this world. I wish that I could pass away peacefully in my sleep and be free from this existence.

Isn't nitrogen or helium the most like passing away peacefully in your sleep, other than N, but that comes with customs checks and potential vomitting

 

[Hell-On-Earth]

I can relate. I get insane mood swings. Some days, maybe even some hours I can think about nothing other than ending my life. Other times I'm determined to get better. Then it's back to wanting to CTB. I'm going to try and see if I can get a psychiatrist but deep down I know this is going to go on forever, the truth is that I just hate everything about myself and I'd just rather not be alive. Honestly the only reason I haven't done it yet is because I know it'd destroy the lives of my family. It's going to be much more difficult to end it now as I slipped up about this to my friend and now I've got eyes watching me constantly. I'm just so confused.

 

[Zzzzz]

Yes. That happens regularly to me. And it's always a painful thought feeling like I'm going to keep living for a while longer.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

and now I've got eyes watching me constantly

I made this mistake recently, then regretted it immensely - it's much less stressful when it's a deeply personal secret you indulge in and plan towards without anyone else knowing! I'm only suicidal because I'm in physical pain, which prevents me from pursuing what is deeply meaningful to me - it's the torture of not being able to pursue that meaning that is so unbearable - if my life wasn't meaningful, maybe I'd just go on benefits and get a council flat and take drugs and watch TV all day!

Yes. That happens regularly to me. And it's always a painful thought feeling like I'm going to keep living for a while longer.

Up and down, up and down, so sick of it - I just want OFF now

 

[fox_wannabe]

I can relate. I get insane mood swings. Some days, maybe even some hours I can think about nothing other than ending my life. Other times I'm determined to get better. Then it's back to wanting to CTB. I'm going to try and see if I can get a psychiatrist but deep down I know this is going to go on forever, the truth is that I just hate everything about myself and I'd just rather not be alive. Honestly the only reason I haven't done it yet is because I know it'd destroy the lives of my family. It's going to be much more difficult to end it now as I slipped up about this to my friend and now I've got eyes watching me constantly. I'm just so confused.

This is relatable. Sounds like bipolar and I am also bipolar. I sometimes cannot care and hate my family because they stop me from dying.

I am not watched but I get calls from family members who insist I can tell them about everything and they will always help. Like they can help, they are a bit idk... proud? not humble? thinking too much of themselves and their abilities to really change things, they want to believe they have remedies for everything.

I am overwhelmed by the world and I feel It will go on like this forever. Now I procrastinate as I write this because there is so much to do and so little motivation or reason to do It. I do not plan on family, carrier or any events. Maybe I would love to write a visual novel, but in all stories I come up with main character is either suicidal or terribly distressed and dies at the end. So why even bother, nobody likes sad stories and when main character dies.

 

[Lollypop24]

my depression is rubbing off on my family. they dont get why i just want to be dead. theyve all lived reasonably nice lives and then theres me.

 

[BrokenLine]

Yes I've had that feeling many times, weirdly for me its like I understand death that I'm in just one moment in time and that everything, every moment comes to an end and death is that thing for us, it feels so natural, its also a very peaceful feeling to not just know that but feel that way. But that also comes with a sense of apathy to actually do something but my apathy is slowly disappearing each time.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

thinking too much of themselves and their abilities to really change things

I find this frustrating and angering. My Mum thinks she can persuade me to be in a good mood by being 'chirpy' and positive around me, and it just makes me want to tell her she is a naive idiot and to get the fuck away from me, because I have an overwhelming urge to slap her in her big stupid face right now!

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Yes I've had that feeling many times, weirdly for me its like I understand death that I'm in just one moment in time and that everything, every moment comes to an end and death is that thing for us, it feels so natural, its also a very peaceful feeling to not just know that but feel that way. But that also comes with a sense of apathy to actually do something but my apathy is slowly disappearing each time.

It sounds so simple and obvious, but I think a lot of us forget that we will all die eventually anyway, like all life does - we are just hastening the 100% inevitable

 

[Superdeterminist]

Ctb is one of the few things left that is comfortable for my mind to dwell on. I don't feel any hope anymore. The only things holding me back is fear of pain and fear of getting caught. I'm trying to chip away at those fears now.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Ctb is one of the few things left that is comfortable for my mind to dwell on. I don't feel any hope anymore. The only things holding me back is fear of pain and fear of getting caught. I'm trying to chip away at those fears now.

I don't know if you've read this before, but it is enlightening... https://drowningsupportnetwork.wordpress.com/2019/05/31/what-happens-when-someone-drowns/

I also recently learned that the reason people sometimes vomit after seeing something gory is due to the brain dumping serotonin into the CNS to try to keep you 'happy' after seeing something disturbing. Your brain has a way of making painful things both physically and psychologically easier to deal with.

 

[M.i.245541]

My mood goes from wanting to ctb immediately to wanting to ctb less urgently. But no matter what, ctb seems to be in my mind all the time

 

[fox_wannabe]

I find this frustrating and angering. My Mum thinks she can persuade me to be in a good mood by being 'chirpy' and positive around me, and it just makes me want to tell her she is a naive idiot and to get the fuck away from me, because I have an overwhelming urge to slap her in her big stupid face right now!

My mom thankfully does not do It, but some family members do It sometimes. I like your pfp, looks badass.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I like your pfp, looks badass.

he was beyond badass! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Panzram

 

[DerTod]

Every single day multiple times a day. It's the worst possible thing to not be certain and not chose. Not chosing means misery as life pass you by as you still try to decide between end and recovery.

 

[fox_wannabe]

he was beyond badass! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Panzram

I said murderer looked badass... well he did. damn. I hoped It not that serious pfp. Why did you choose it If I may ask?