Anyone ever feel guilty or like CTB is too “extreme”

[crystalskies31]

Hi,

I know I want to CTB shortly.
Does anyone with the plans ever feel guilty and anxious, and criticise themselves it's too "extreme"?
I know I do. I'm hard on myself in general. But my situation is also bad.
Does anyone ever save "encouraging" posts and such?

I'm just saying because I've been through SO MUCH in my life (bad stuff) and I am ready to go - yet somehow I make myself suffer longer, longer… through guilt or people saying "just get over it"…

When actually so much in my life has been hugely unfair and finding this forum and SN seems like the ONLY fair thing that will give me peace

Thank you.

 

[hopelessdreams]

i relate with the quilt stuff. mostly because i know people who have had a similar childhood as me but are still strong and keep going with life. when i look at them i think: why can't i be strong as them? let's just get through life day by day.

as for encouraging posts, no. deciding to take your OWN life should be your OWN decision to make, not something you can be "motivated" to do.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Not really. Its more myself asking "what ifs" on if circumstances for my birth went the way i wanted instead of needing to resort to this, but it just didn't work out that way. I more feel guilty and trapped that I have not CTB'd yet.

 

[Capsaicin78]

There are situations in which ctb is maybe too extreme. For example jumping of a bridge the same day you failed an exam or stuff like that. Because on those days you are not able to think clearly.

Also there are situations in which ctb is fairly reasonable imo. Everyone has the right to decide on whether to continue living or not.

 

[crystalskies31]

There are situations in which ctb is maybe too extreme. For example jumping of a bridge the same day you failed an exam or stuff like that. Because on those days you are not able to think clearly.

Also there are situations in which ctb is fairly reasonable imo. Everyone has the right to decide on whether to continue living or not.

Thanks for this. I guess, in my family I was always made to feel like I had to work 'extra hard' and suffer more than everyone else, because some people really pinned their hopes on me, so it's like I feel super extra guilty for going.

 

[crystalskies31]

i relate with the quilt stuff. mostly because i know people who have had a similar childhood as me but are still strong and keep going with life. when i look at them i think: why can't i be strong as them? let's just get through life day by day.

as for encouraging posts, no. deciding to take your OWN life should be your OWN decision to make, not something you can be "motivated" to do.

Yeah, I don't get why others are OK. I really tried but it seems the more I try the worse it gets. I can only assume it's because of autism or some other weird X factor

 

[Lullaby]

When you've been through so much, and you've tried so many different things to get better, I don't really feel it's too extreme. When you're exhausted and dealing with so much emotional pain, what else can you do?

People expect you to pick yourself up and move on, until the next bad thing happens and then you keep repeating. You get tired and your willpower dwindles more…it's a lot to deal with.

 

[crystalskies31]

When you've been through so much, and you've tried so many different things to get better, I don't really feel it's too extreme. When you're exhausted and dealing with so much emotional pain, what else can you do?

People expect you to pick yourself up and move on, until the next bad thing happens and then you keep repeating. You get tired and your willpower dwindles more…it's a lot to deal with.

Exactly. It's so nice to have some sympathy on this forum at least!
I also had some awful times earlier this year where i was just having constant panic attacks (as a reaction to something) for months. It was like being in Hell
No-one deserves that and no-one understood
And every few years or every year, bad things happen again and again
I work so hard for the good things yet they never materialize and the bad things are absolutely crushing
And all others do is tell me I focus on the negative too much

Honestly, one thing I have difficulty with about this is I really want to get others to understand how I feel and it's like I'm trying to justify myself. But in reality some people may never understand and I have to live with them thinking I'm a dick, I guess.

 

[Lullaby]

Exactly. It's so nice to have some sympathy on this forum at least!
I also had some awful times earlier this year where i was just having constant panic attacks (as a reaction to something) for months. It was like being in Hell
No-one deserves that and no-one understood
And every few years or every year, bad things happen again and again
I work so hard for the good things yet they never materialize and the bad things are absolutely crushing

I totally get it. My anxiety is the worst it's ever been recently, so I know how debilitating it can be. For me, it always feels like everything is closing in on me like I'm suffocating. It makes it really hard to function especially when outside.

And I understand the other stuff too. It sucks when you're trying make the best of life, but it just keeps coming down on you constantly. When you're hopeful and really motivated, it can be super heartbreaking. A person can only deal with so much, you know.

 

[crystalskies31]

I totally get it. My anxiety is the worst it's ever been recently, so I know how debilitating it can be. For me, it always feels like everything is closing in on me like I'm suffocating. It makes it really hard to function especially when outside.

And I understand the other stuff too. It sucks when you're trying make the best of life, but it just keeps coming down on you constantly. When you're hopeful and really motivated, it can be super heartbreaking. A person can only deal with so much, you know.

Yeah, I think you get it

I totally get it. My anxiety is the worst it's ever been recently, so I know how debilitating it can be. For me, it always feels like everything is closing in on me like I'm suffocating. It makes it really hard to function especially when outside.

And I understand the other stuff too. It sucks when you're trying make the best of life, but it just keeps coming down on you constantly. When you're hopeful and really motivated, it can be super heartbreaking. A person can only deal with so much, you know.

Right now now I'm just trying to stay well enough to CTB, and just making myself leave the house and go on walks is really hard.
But staying in is hard too, as my house is really small & noisy and full of people so I have to wear earplugs constantly

Honestly it's like dragging a corpse around. My stomach can't handle it. But I want to be calm when I take the SN!!!

 

[outrider567]

Nope--My mental suffering each day far outweighs any feared effect my CTB has on my 2 first cousins and my stepmother(all reside far away), they're the only ones left(after my brother passes away from lung cancer)in my family--Although I known them for many decades, I feel no guilt, and they know how ungodly miserable I am anyway

 

[FuneralCry]

To me, ctb could never be too extreme as we all have our right to exit and death is inevitable for us all anyway. I see no point to suffering for decades just for the sake of it. Dying is what feels right for me. It can be difficult to leave this world and I do believe that many people have anxiety about it all, as after all we are all programmed to survive and it can be hard to leave this life behind as this existence is all we know.

I think that what holds me back personally is the fear of the method failing and the lack of peaceful exit. I am at peace with the idea of dying, I just wish that actually going through with it was easier.

 

[Judy Garland]

Nope.