Discussion Anyone else?

[deadgeorge]

Hello, I'm new here.
I'm 21 y/o and have been suicidal ever since I was 9, I thought having a wife and a daughter would for some reason fix me, but that turned out to just be a burden.
I wanted to ask, is there anyone else here who only feels good when they fantasise about suicide? I've gone as far as to buy 2 dozen 80 mg OxyContin pills, which I've never tried and I'm scared of doing it wrong. Whenever I feel like total shit (which happens thrice or even more a day), I just take them and think about how sweet death would be, I used to browse lostallhope.com and read on methods, and it would always serve as a relief for my pain. I suffer from many mental health issues, my mother is bipolar and has fed me psychiatric pills when I was a baby, so I'm scared of fucking up (again, I attempted to kill myself over 15 times over the years) and I'm afraid of being forcibly hospitalised again (in Israel they don't really care if you don't need it, they'll hospitalise you if they want to). My last attempt was less than a year ago when I attempted to hang myself after taking a shitload of benzos, I woke up on the floor and spent a week in the hospital. I'm only able to feel happy by fetishizing my own death. I stopped using drugs, stopped eating junk, and even started working out - but that just made my lust for death stronger.
Anyways sorry for the semi rant, but I just wanted to know if anyone else feels the same? How do you fetishize death? how do you imagine it will feel to be finally free?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I wanted to ask, is there anyone else here who only feels good when they fantasise about suicide?

Idk if "good" is the proper word, but I look forward to my suicide.

 

[deadgeorge]

Idk if "good" is the proper word, but I look forward to my suicide.

I honestly mean good, I suddenly feel euphoria when thinking about ways to kill myself like a little baby excited to see a new toy.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I honestly mean good, I suddenly feel euphoria when thinking about ways to kill myself like a little baby excited to see a new toy.

I guess, but then I feel bad for not going through with it (yet).

 

[FuneralCry]

I do envy those who pass away peacefully and I can imagine that if I had a way to peacefully exit this world, it would be a relief. The only thing that I want is to be gone, I want nothing to do with life at all. I just wish that ctb is easier. I have very limited access to methods and when I think about methods like hanging, I start to think of all the ways that it could go wrong. I feel like I would only feel good about it all, if I had a peaceful and reliable way to exit. The thought of non existence is very comforting, as when I am dead I will be unable to suffer.