Anyone else with BPD ?

[Rainbowdreamer]

Anyone else have BPD? My life is constant pain. I will never have normal relationships or interactions with others . I am convinced that I am fundamentally romantically unlovable in any long - term, sustainable, day - to - day way.

I've been through DBT twice as a client and used to teach it professionally, and it did arguably make my life better, because it largely made me more able to pass as neurotypical. But the symptoms and urges are still there and still consume my life. It's gotten easier to hide the terrible, soul crushing pain I'm in all the time.

I can't really hold a job, and I'm nothing but a burden on my father, who supports me financially. Everyone gets fed up with me eventually. Everyone gets tired of my emotions and my neediness and that's WITH my using skills to navigate those interactions. Like, me at my most skilful still makes everyone hate them eventually and still wants to die every single day.

I can't stop thinking about it. I cry for hours every day. I self harm nearly every day. My life is never not misery. The only think that sometimes makes it bareable is distracting myself with my hyperfixations, but even my relationship with those is weird and lopsided and causes people around me distress.

I know that ctb...(that's the right way to say that, right?) is going to cause my sister and my father immense pain, and I feel crushing guilt about this, but I genuinely, honestly believe that their quality of life would get better when I'm gone. I am an emotional and financial drain on them all of the time.

I just need to not be here any more. My brain is on fire all of the time and I need it to stop, but it never ever will, as long as I'm alive.

I've set a date in my head. November 1. It's enough time for me to get my shit in order and put everything to bed, as it were. I do feel some small relief with knowing a date, but I also feel unbearably sad knowing that this is my life and that this is the only way I will ever know peace. It makes me sad for the life I could have had if I wasn't borderline. It makes me sad thinking about how much it will hurt the people I love. I wish there was some other way, other than living with this fucking nightmare disorder for every single day for as long as I draw breath. But there is no other way. So November it is.

I'm glad to have somewhere that I can post openly about this, since I won't be able to tell anyone without them overreacting and trying to hospitalize me.

 

[stuckforawhile]

A very substantial proportion of people on this forum have BPD. Quite a few have stated it outright, and very many show strong indications of it.

 

[TooLate2582]

Meeeeeeee!

 

[Jean Améry]

Anyone else have BPD? My life is constant pain. I will never have normal relationships or interactions with others . I am convinced that I am fundamentally romantically unlovable in any long - term, sustainable, day - to - day way.

I've been through DBT twice as a client and used to teach it professionally, and it did arguably make my life better, because it largely made me more able to pass as neurotypical. But the symptoms and urges are still there and still consume my life. It's gotten easier to hide the terrible, soul crushing pain I'm in all the time.

I can't really hold a job, and I'm nothing but a burden on my father, who supports me financially. Everyone gets fed up with me eventually. Everyone gets tired of my emotions and my neediness and that's WITH my using skills to navigate those interactions. Like, me at my most skilful still makes everyone hate them eventually and still wants to die every single day.

I can't stop thinking about it. I cry for hours every day. I self harm nearly every day. My life is never not misery. The only think that sometimes makes it bareable is distracting myself with my hyperfixations, but even my relationship with those is weird and lopsided and causes people around me distress.

I know that ctb...(that's the right way to say that, right?) is going to cause my sister and my father immense pain, and I feel crushing guilt about this, but I genuinely, honestly believe that their quality of life would get better when I'm gone. I am an emotional and financial drain on them all of the time.

I just need to not be here any more. My brain is on fire all of the time and I need it to stop, but it never ever will, as long as I'm alive.

I've set a date in my head. November 1. It's enough time for me to get my shit in order and put everything to bed, as it were. I do feel some small relief with knowing a date, but I also feel unbearably sad knowing that this is my life and that this is the only way I will ever know peace. It makes me sad for the life I could have had if I wasn't borderline. It makes me sad thinking about how much it will hurt the people I love. I wish there was some other way, other than living with this fucking nightmare disorder for every single day for as long as I draw breath. But there is no other way. So November it is.

I'm glad to have somewhere that I can post openly about this, since I won't be able to tell anyone without them overreacting and trying to hospitalize me.

For me it's depression which makes it hard to relate to people: I can handle social situations and work but emotional connections are next to impossible. After all how many people can relate to feeling like shit every day, the emptiness and the wish to cease to be?

I can't imagine what you must be going through: it must be exhausting and extremely painful to not be in control of your own mind and emotions all the time.

I know thinking about and planning suicide is sad but I try to keep in mind sadness and pain exist only in this life so knowing it won't last is indeed comforting.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I was diagnosed with it but I don't think it fits me now
I also have C-PTSD according to my last psychiatric but its not in the handbook and sever depressional episodes with psychotic symptoms.

 

[DaniDee]

@Rainbowdreamer I have it too. And I'm almost 32 and it never gets easier to accept. I feel exactly the same as you: burden and unable to have lasting meaningful relationships. But then again I am married. And let me tell you it's hell... I often just want to divorce or run away cos I feel like I cause my husband so much pain everyday... I can't work it's extremely difficult to keep myself in check when I work and that makes me a financial burden on my family as well. I would like to consider myself as a "smart" person but I still feel so stupid most days and hate myself for making even the smallest mistakes. I self harm less often now than when I was younger but when I do it gets pretty bad. It's a lifelong thing...this feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness... lifelong. Don't believe those idiots saying it can be cured, you just learn to hide/control it better. I still ruin friendships and most people can't stand me... I've learned a lot about BPD and through endless therapy how to "control" it but I get overwhelmed some days and it all goes back to where it started: I wish I was dead. I have at least somewhat overcome the "victim" mode and don't feel like I'm in a black hole as much...but it's still dark inside my head and the endless thoughts of ctb just get too consuming sometimes.

Life is basically meaningless for me and yet I'm still here. I guess I want to be given permission to ctb as weird as that sounds...like if I somehow get the 'ok' then I would feel less guilty about doing it and maybe even succeed this time!

And that's just how BPD works, reminding me everyday.

I am here if you ever want to chat or vent. I get it. Completely. It's challenging to be the "real" you but atleast here you can be that person without judgement.

 

[fister]

Do you mean borderline or bipolar?

 

[Help_Me]

Right here with you, if you mean Borderline. I came to conclusion I make every person's life worse ((

 

[Bedlamb]

I'm so so sorry you or anyone else has to deal with this shit. I wouldn't wish BPD on anyone. I don't think it's any coincidence that we have the highest rate of suicide attempts than with any other psychiatric disorder. It probably doesn't mean much but sending virtual hugs your way

 

[Ruffian]

@Rainbowdreamer I have it too. And I'm almost 32 and it never gets easier to accept. I feel exactly the same as you: burden and unable to have lasting meaningful relationships. But then again I am married. And let me tell you it's hell... I often just want to divorce or run away cos I feel like I cause my husband so much pain everyday... I can't work it's extremely difficult to keep myself in check when I work and that makes me a financial burden on my family as well. I would like to consider myself as a "smart" person but I still feel so stupid most days and hate myself for making even the smallest mistakes. I self harm less often now than when I was younger but when I do it gets pretty bad. It's a lifelong thing...this feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness... lifelong. Don't believe those idiots saying it can be cured, you just learn to hide/control it better. I still ruin friendships and most people can't stand me... I've learned a lot about BPD and through endless therapy how to "control" it but I get overwhelmed some days and it all goes back to where it started: I wish I was dead. I have at least somewhat overcome the "victim" mode and don't feel like I'm in a black hole as much...but it's still dark inside my head and the endless thoughts of ctb just get too consuming sometimes.

Life is basically meaningless for me and yet I'm still here. I guess I want to be given permission to ctb as weird as that sounds...like if I somehow get the 'ok' then I would feel less guilty about doing it and maybe even succeed this time!

And that's just how BPD works, reminding me everyday.

I am here if you ever want to chat or vent. I get it. Completely. It's challenging to be the "real" you but atleast here you can be that person without judgement.

Would it be ok if I PM'd you sometime? Your description of your BPD experience is very similar to mine. I have it combined with bipolar and PTSD, and I've been through a lot of therapy and hospitalizations. I'm dealing with fallout from my last 2 failed ODs, but I tend to ramble on forums. It would be nice to talk with someone more about it. I'm 51 and only recently could admit I have it - a major feature of the diagnosis I now realize.

Rainbowdreamer, Thank you so much for making this thread. I've seen Borderline come up in other threads and I'm just now coming to grips with the realization I fit the profile. it is a horrible diagnosis where I take my frustrations out on the people I love the most. I can hold a job for a time, but then I do something bizarre and just flip out. Only my skill set saves me from being actively "fired," and I think most supervisors who know me well realize I have an issue. I'm usually "laid off" or just politely asked to leave. My parents are very old, in their 80s, and I want to stay alive for them and my boyfriend. I think he would be ok eventually, he's told me he would be upset but I'd always be alive in his heart. My dad is getting pretty bad with dementia, but my mom is still sharp as hell, and I think my death by ctb would put her in the ground. Seriously, she would never admit it, but I'm her favorite even with all my faults. I know the endless ruminations and self-hatred all too well. I didn't think I self-harmed, but I realize addiction is a form of that. Plus I wasn't a cutter, but I used to beat myself in the face a lot when I was younger until my head hurt.

Thank you for sharing about DBT and that it's relatively useless - I don't have the money for it anyway. One person suggested I buy the workbooks and start working on it myself. And you know what? I'm tired of constantly having to take care of my mental illness myself. I have a torn rotator cuff - I guess I should watch a YouTube video and perform the surgery on myself? I mean, I do realize I have some level of responsibility, but damn it is maddening how people with mental illness get blamed like it's their fault they are sick. Thanks again for the thread.

 

[Titania]

Hii I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I cant stand being able to live this disease and its one of the reasons I want to die. To be painless. I havent done really much therapy nor made any progress besides meds..so no dbt for me. Been hospitalized once and it might be a second time as it stands. Or ctb. Whatever comes first.

 

[Rainbowdreamer]

Thank you for sharing about DBT and that it's relatively useless - I don't have the money for it anyway. One person suggested I buy the workbooks and start working on it myself. And you know what? I'm tired of constantly having to take care of my mental illness myself. I have a torn rotator cuff - I guess I should watch a YouTube video and perform the surgery on myself? I mean, I do realize I have some level of responsibility, but damn it is maddening how people with mental illness get blamed like it's their fault they are sick. Thanks again for the thread.

I don't think it's useless. I think that the quality of my life has largely improved since doing it. I think it's worth doing.

Think about it like this, we're borderlines navigating a neurotypical world that no one ever have is a handbook for. DBT is that handbook. No one ever actually EXPLAINS, IN DETAIL, how to do the things that are expected of us in the neurotypical world. DBT does that. It explains those skills in great detail, and even helps you practice.

So the quality of my life did get better, because being able to pass as neurotypical and interact like I am neurotypical and understand neurotypical expectations has made navigating the neurotypical world significantly easier, which arguably makes my life better. But there's a debate to be had about who DBT is for : the person with BPD or the neurotypical people who have to live with them?

It's the *symptoms * I still have problems with. I can use my skills all day and keep the people around me happy, but inside I'm a screaming raw mess of pain and agony. And heaven forbid I'm not skilful for 5 minutes, then it's me being a "manipulative selfish borderline", as if I'm not expending every single bit of emotional energy I have in trying to control and regulate my own shit. We're supposed to do the work. But the neurotypical people around us get a free pass to do whatever. They can have bad days. That can get angry.

We're not allowed to do that because then it's our borderline acting up.

All that being said, I don't regret taking DBT, and even highly recommend it. It DOES help, it's like a cheat code for how to live and interact with neurotypical people. And as long as you're still here, you'll still have to interact with neurotypical people, unfortunately.

Do you mean borderline or bipolar?

Here I'm talking about Borderline Personality Disorder.

But strangely enough I also have a diagnosis of bipolar 2.

 

[Ruffian]

I'm broke right now but maybe the DBT workbooks are worth tying =;

 

[fister]

You may be able to participate in DBT therapy through your locality's social services organization. I have had experiences in a few states of the US. In Virginia every locality has a 'community services board' and in north carolina there are state funded organizations such as daymark and monarch. Please try to find some options like this, they will not ask for payment or ask for minimal payment such as five dollars a visit (and would even bill you later.)

 

[BridgeJumper]

Raises hand
Im both bpd AND bipolar.
My life is a clusterfuck of choking games, cutting, drinking, drugs, slamming head on walls, alternating between wanting to violently kill myself and everyone around. Its not fun. My brain is an open wound thats being salted by some invisible sadistic demon

 

[ZixivaldYrxes]

I probably do. I've recently been diagnosed as schizotypal and there's a lot of crossover between the two. It ebbs and flows in severity, though it's generally not as severe as when I was younger. Sometimes it remits almost entirely except in specific situations. My (poorly developed) theory on it is that it's a modified form of PTSD that feedback loops back into itself (as each episode is both a cause and effect of that PTSD) through self-depreciation, guilt, and compensatory idealization ("whitewashing").
Also everything I've read about it has done nothing to demystify what it actually is aside from a fear of abandonment (which I also see as a symptom and not the root cause). Sure they can cluster together symptoms and practices that can be used to attenuate those symptoms but I don't see a lot about how or why it's there. I think it's very poorly understood in general.
The easiest explanation is that it doesn't really exist at all, in and of itself. The psychological syntax that defines it is already incorrect. I'm sure to be misinterpreted.

 

[soda_pressed]

Not diagnosed, but I have almost every symptom.

 

[BrokenSoul]

I can relate. I struggle with BPD, MDD, and Anxiety. It's rough..

 

[deathenvoy]

Each time I go on another therapy I get different personality disorder: Schizoid, Schizotypal, Borderline and recently Narcissistic. Now I am going to new therapist and I think she wants to diagnose me with Avoidant. Psychology is pseudoscience.

 

[ZixivaldYrxes]

Each time I go on another therapy I get different personality disorder: Schizoid, Schizotypal, Borderline and recently Narcissistic. Now I am going to new therapist and I think she wants to diagnose with Avoidant. Psychology is pseudoscience.

Ultimately a lot of it is the same stuff, with people deciding what to label you as FOREVER based on their own personal hangups and how you present at the time. I'm with you. It's just a way of classifying society's undesirables, has nothing to do with healing or understanding. And it's also a way of making completely human tendencies something that people feel they should feel guilty for having, because they're incongruent with society's standards. Like a "FEEL BAD FOR NOT BEING HAPPY AND CALM AND CONFORMING, EVEN THOUGH DOING SO IS AGAINST LITERALLY EVERYONE'S NATURE (but they have "coping skills" so it doesn't appear that way. Half of them complain about how they have to wear a mask to function on reddit tho lol.)" button.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

Wow, I've not been diagnosed as BPD. However it sounds like I have a lot of the symptoms. I've several other diagnoses. But it makes me wonder if they are accurate.. either way I'm sorry that your feeling how the way you do. I just related a lot to what you wrote.

 

[Final Escape]

Each time I go on another therapy I get different personality disorder: Schizoid, Schizotypal, Borderline and recently Narcissistic. Now I am going to new therapist and I think she wants to diagnose me with Avoidant. Psychology is pseudoscience.

Lol! It's a joke. I have BPD too, it's been a painful existence. I'm so ready to go.

 

[Tabbyql]

Anyone else have BPD? My life is constant pain. I will never have normal relationships or interactions with others . I am convinced that I am fundamentally romantically unlovable in any long - term, sustainable, day - to - day way.

I've been through DBT twice as a client and used to teach it professionally, and it did arguably make my life better, because it largely made me more able to pass as neurotypical. But the symptoms and urges are still there and still consume my life. It's gotten easier to hide the terrible, soul crushing pain I'm in all the time.

I can't really hold a job, and I'm nothing but a burden on my father, who supports me financially. Everyone gets fed up with me eventually. Everyone gets tired of my emotions and my neediness and that's WITH my using skills to navigate those interactions. Like, me at my most skilful still makes everyone hate them eventually and still wants to die every single day.

I can't stop thinking about it. I cry for hours every day. I self harm nearly every day. My life is never not misery. The only think that sometimes makes it bareable is distracting myself with my hyperfixations, but even my relationship with those is weird and lopsided and causes people around me distress.

I know that ctb...(that's the right way to say that, right?) is going to cause my sister and my father immense pain, and I feel crushing guilt about this, but I genuinely, honestly believe that their quality of life would get better when I'm gone. I am an emotional and financial drain on them all of the time.

I just need to not be here any more. My brain is on fire all of the time and I need it to stop, but it never ever will, as long as I'm alive.

I've set a date in my head. November 1. It's enough time for me to get my shit in order and put everything to bed, as it were. I do feel some small relief with knowing a date, but I also feel unbearably sad knowing that this is my life and that this is the only way I will ever know peace. It makes me sad for the life I could have had if I wasn't borderline. It makes me sad thinking about how much it will hurt the people I love. I wish there was some other way, other than living with this fucking nightmare disorder for every single day for as long as I draw breath. But there is no other way. So November it is.

I'm glad to have somewhere that I can post openly about this, since I won't be able to tell anyone without them overreacting and trying to hospitalize me.

Yeah I'm part of that fun club too. I feel comfortable admiting it on here.
Everyday is a massive struggle, I haven't been here long. But everyone seems really nice, non judgemental and I haven't had anyone say anything mean to me which is a new experience for me. Feel free to pm me, I like many others can relate. I will answer soon as I get opportunity to go on here. (Can't log on if bf around)

 

[ExitTheDay]

Yeah, I have BPD but it's nothing too major... although I feel like most of the time I can't interact with people the way others do normally, even though I do there is something is this fucked up brain of mine that tells me I'll never be able to hold healthy relationships with people

 

[Darkhaven]

Not diagnosed, no.
But i definately have something on the lines of BPD and some more mental disorders.
Despite being advised by a neurologist to seek a psychiatrist, i still haven't.
Don't know if i will tbh.

 

[bruisedmind]

Yep I have that too. I hoped a diagnosis would be a sigh of relief and the ticket to proper help but no. It explains a lot, but doesn't change anything

 

[Aliaiactaest]

My first was was BPD. 20 years later, she has poisoned my daughter against me and still makes my life a living hell.

 

[mathieu]

I've been diagnosed with BPD among other mental illnesses. I'm not sure why. Maybe due to chronic suicidal thoughts, plans etc. Most docs I've seen haven't thouhght I have it but a couple did. The last one to say it recommended DBT but I haven't tried that.

 

[azucaramargo]

Would it be ok if I PM'd you sometime? Your description of your BPD experience is very similar to mine. I have it combined with bipolar and PTSD, and I've been through a lot of therapy and hospitalizations. I'm dealing with fallout from my last 2 failed ODs, but I tend to ramble on forums. It would be nice to talk with someone more about it. I'm 51 and only recently could admit I have it - a major feature of the diagnosis I now realize.

Rainbowdreamer, Thank you so much for making this thread. I've seen Borderline come up in other threads and I'm just now coming to grips with the realization I fit the profile. it is a horrible diagnosis where I take my frustrations out on the people I love the most. I can hold a job for a time, but then I do something bizarre and just flip out. Only my skill set saves me from being actively "fired," and I think most supervisors who know me well realize I have an issue. I'm usually "laid off" or just politely asked to leave. My parents are very old, in their 80s, and I want to stay alive for them and my boyfriend. I think he would be ok eventually, he's told me he would be upset but I'd always be alive in his heart. My dad is getting pretty bad with dementia, but my mom is still sharp as hell, and I think my death by ctb would put her in the ground. Seriously, she would never admit it, but I'm her favorite even with all my faults. I know the endless ruminations and self-hatred all too well. I didn't think I self-harmed, but I realize addiction is a form of that. Plus I wasn't a cutter, but I used to beat myself in the face a lot when I was younger until my head hurt.

Thank you for sharing about DBT and that it's relatively useless - I don't have the money for it anyway. One person suggested I buy the workbooks and start working on it myself. And you know what? I'm tired of constantly having to take care of my mental illness myself. I have a torn rotator cuff - I guess I should watch a YouTube video and perform the surgery on myself? I mean, I do realize I have some level of responsibility, but damn it is maddening how people with mental illness get blamed like it's their fault they are sick. Thanks again for the thread.

Ruffian, I loved this post! Thank you.