Venting Anyone else wishes to CTB due to Daddy Issues ?

[Gaga786]

My father severely neglected me emotionally. He wouldn't come to any of my school plays or shows. He would ignore the school meetings where the teachers would criticise me and bash my mother for having a horrible failing child. He didn't provide me with any affection growing up whereas did so with my brother. I remember feeling extremely jealous of him later on and crying myself to sleep thinking something is wrong with me. As a result, I would often like father and son videos on YouTube which depicted a bond. From cartoons to tv shows, I felt intrigued regarding such a bond. I would also have dreams where I would imagine having a father and sharing a bond with him. Now, im gay and find older men attractive especially those who look similar to my father. I want them to do the same things that a father would do with his son eg kiss, hug, read a book, make him sit on his lap. I hate myself because of that and I just can't stand myself anymore. It sucks that he prioritised his siblings over his own child who desperately needed him

 

[Darkover]

CMC$ - Cry To Me

 

[ikkii]

my dad died, the reason I'm going to ctb

 

[Graytaichi]

I would say fuck your father. My father is more beasty then yours. My mum is an angel in heart. Being gay so what , u are welcomed to the max being gay.

 

[Doombox]

I remember being intrigued by families behaving like they like each other and actually having fun during holidays.

 

[Lone Wanderer]

my dad died, the reason I'm going to ctb

I'm in no place to tell you to not kill yourself, but I don't think your father would want that for you... I am actually a father myself. I have a son that's 3 years old. I love him, but my depression & anxiety just outweighs everything. And what makes things worse is that his mother (the love of my life) left. I cried and begged like a pathetic fool for her to stay but she refused. I was heartbroken. Every time I sat at the kitchen table to eat, I cried because I was alone. It's been months and I'm still hurting. I tried to better myself for my son, but I can't. So, I'm choosing to "CTB" as you folks are calling it. If and when I succeed offing myself, I don't ever want my son to consider killing himself later down the road because I'm gone. I would want him to live a full healthy life. I want him to be stronger than me, and I know he will be. But like I said it's your life. You can choose when to give up.

 

[Graytaichi]

I'm in no place to tell you to not kill yourself, but I don't think your father would want that for you... I am actually a father myself. I have a son that's 3 years old. I love him, but my depression & anxiety just outweighs everything. And what makes things worse is that his mother (the love of my life) left. I cried and begged like a pathetic fool for her to stay but she refused. I was heartbroken. Every time I sat at the kitchen table to eat, I cried because I was alone. It's been months and I'm still hurting. I tried to better myself for my son, but I can't. So, I'm choosing to "CTB" as you folks are calling it. If and when I succeed offing myself, I don't ever want my son to consider killing himself later down the road because I'm gone. I would want him to live a full healthy life. I want him to be stronger than me, and I know he will be. But like I said it's your life. You can choose when to give up.

You are a good father , but there are some father which is beasty inhumane. Yes there is.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I could not care less about my father anymore, but I do accept that much of how my brain is wired is because of "Daddy issues". Won't detail, but bio father was absent and stepfather was horrible.

I could hypothesise that I'd be a different person now had I had a stable upbringing but I'll never know. It set me on a path, I suppose, and affected a lot of the choices I made going forward, including bad relationship choices that exacerbated existing trauma.

So I guess it's not the reason per se for wanting to ctb, but a highly contributing early factor.

Sorry your dad is a dick.

 

[Lone Wanderer]

You are a good father , but there are some father which is beasty inhumane. Yes there is.

Thank you. Means a lot hearing that from someone. And yeah, I agree there are terrible fathers out there. I hate when I see a father neglecting his own kin. Makes me want to beat the life out of them, but obviously violence is never the answer... most of the time. All I can say is just strive to do better than him. As his kin you were always destined to be greater. So, do better. And one day when you have kids of your own show your father what a better father and man you are. Exclude him from your family. Eventually he'll hate himself for what he did. And then he'll be begging for another chance for forgiveness, which it'll be up to you to forgive him or not. Or just continue hating him for the rest of your life, up to you.

 

[chronicallybroken]

It's definitely part of my reasons. My father had the air of being a decent dad (e.g. financially providing, taking us on holidays etc.) but what has stuck with me is his enjoyment of patronising me (e.g. deliberately using big words then calling me stupid when I asked what he meant), lack of emotions, creepy behaviour towards my friends as a teenager, and all the things my mother has told me about him since he and I have become estranged. Like you, I crave that bond and that has become apparent in intimate relationships where I choose any man that is nice to me and who I think can look after me - unfortunately that kind of unconditional familial love can't be recreated in intimate relationships

 

[GettingOut]

My father, an alcoholic, physically and emotionally abused me as a child. When I was 18, I ran away from home. Now he has rejected me completely, refusing to have anything to do with me. So yeah, he plays a huge part in me taking these decisions

 

[tired868686]

Trauma does horrible things. I wonder all the time if things had been different, would I have been different.
It wrecks me everyday thinking about it.
I know trauma damages the brain especially when developing and I'm sorry for all your pain!

 

[StruggleWithin]

My father died when I was twelve years old. I'm sure that was when I started to long for death. And then as I grew up began to fantasize my death, my beginnings of SI. I had a "cry for help" attempt at fifteen. Then high school sweetheart relationship that provided a steady stream of oxytocin. I married her and had two boys. But meanwhile I was trying to live my life by trying to live up to the inflated perceived image of my dead father and what I felt was expected of me. It's not possible to be perfect all the time. I tried to be a good dad; a good husband/spouse. But I was divorced. My ex started seeing her new guy nine days after we separated. They got a house together now. I rarely see my kids. I feel as if I've been replaced. My daddy issues are not the reasons I want to ctb but they were definitely the origins for me.

 

[empty sighs]

It's not the root of the problem, it could be a factor -my Dad wasn't around a lot. He got a new wife who lived in another country. He used to think I was stupid, but I started getting A's. He was a bit the type to get angry, a temper, which could be the reason I have so much trouble maintaining relationships. Which I guess is the root of my main fear of being abandoned and left behind by all of my friends. Huh. I'm sorry your Dad was so shitty tough luck I guess.

 

[StruggleWithin]

It's not the root of the problem, it could be a factor -my Dad wasn't around a lot. He got a new wife who lived in another country. He used to think I was stupid, but I started getting A's. He was a bit the type to get angry, a temper, which could be the reason I have so much trouble maintaining relationships. Which I guess is the root of my main fear of being abandoned and left behind by all of my friends. Huh. I'm sorry your Dad was so shitty tough luck I guess.

I have an avoidant attachment style too. A combination of my dad dying and my mom being emotionally unavailable/neglectful. Many of my friends over the years drifted away from me and others I pushed away. Classic avoidant issues. But the worst exacerbation of it was when the person I loved and chose to be with decided to divorce me.

I feel your pain. Sending you a virtual hug.

 

[empty sighs]

I have an avoidant attachment style too. A combination of my dad dying and my mom being emotionally unavailable/neglectful. Many of my friends over the years drifted away from me and others I pushed away. Classic avoidant issues. But the worst exacerbation of it was when the person I loved and chose to be with decided to divorce me.

I feel your pain. Sending you a virtual hug.

Thank you friend, that means a lot.