Evening all. Hope you're well as can be, for what it's worth.
I'm wishing I never asked for help; the only difference it ever made was that it is now impossible to obtain a firearm so that I can end my life in a fast and relatively humane manner.
Does anyone else feel the same?
No wonder people just end it without saying anything- if they do they might lose their method.
Gunshot to me is the best method; blast the brain stem to bits with a shotgun and there isn't even time to contemplate what's just happened. A split second and it's all over and done with. And the wondrous sense of control when one knows that release is but a mere trigger pull away...
My chronic pain is now so bad that I barely ever sleep, and feel continuous horrible waves of dread and anxiety from sleep deprivation. It's relentless physical and psychological torture.
It is now that I need the mercy of death so desperately that I am least able to achieve it.
I've had chronic pain for years but it's only been 9 months since it got to the point where it's so excruciating that I can't sleep.
I couldn't imagine going years like this... I swear I'd have dementia in a few more months.
Sleep deprivation on this level reeeaaaaally fucks with you. Can barely concentrate. Just repeating thoughts of despair invading one's mind non stop.
Typical society; milk you dry for everything you're worth while you're well, then when the chips are down and you're drowning, interfere so that you can't even end your life in a humane manner.
Makes a man bitter. Makes me wish I could take back all the kindness and generosity I showed before chronic pain destroyed my life.
All I'm asking for, after having my life fucked up by the actions of others, is a quick death of my choosing. I bared my burdens as well as I could. I've never harmed a soul, despite my intense desire to do so at times.
I'd give you the shirt off my back, but if it should cause me hypothermia, don't begrudge my finding warmth by any means necessary...
Surely a decent death isn't that much to ask for... But of course this society has to be so utterly repugnant, arrogant and controlling as to fail in yet another way.
Eat until we get diabetes, while others starve. Maim and kill children and innocent people, while those begging for Death slice open their arms, horribly damage themselves from overdoses, lose their minds in asylums...
If I were less scrupulous I'd cause some damage in protest- perhaps target and harm a few pro-lifers, to teach them the pain they put others through when they're cornered with no way out: "If I had access to euthanasia or a gun I never would've had to do this".
Fortunately (or unfortunately!) as a victim of crime I'm far too aware of the damage it causes, how it causes harm that cannot be undone. I don't want anyone else to have to face that.
My hands are clean and I'd like to keep them that way.
But I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind.
Just because people live such cushy lives that they can't even imagine what it's like to go through this, and my suffering is to them but an inconvenient reminder of the harshness of life, doesn't mean I'm not facing it. They can pat themselves on the back for "saving" people from themselves, then go about their day.
Meanwhile those people are living horrendously nightmarish lives beyond their comprehension. For them there is no reprieve, no way to turn their backs.
I've had to face the horrible reality that people who I care about really don't care as much about me. Nobody wants to entertain the idea of my death, or help me out of this nightmare.
It was all fun and games when things were going well, but now that I'm in trouble there isn't a soul who will stand with me and show me the respect I deserve.
I shouldn't have to spend my final days begging for help in despair, like a cornered wild animal. It doesn't have to be like this. It doesn't have to be degrading and horrible.
Really makes me realise how alone in the world I truly am.
If a friend of mine were this desperately miserable I'd hold their hand at the End, and respect their right to be free of misery, as a caring friend would.
It's not as if a miracle is going to occur and I'm going to wake up OK tomorrow. The only way out of this situation is in a box.
I'm tired of the masquerade: hiding the fear of death behind a facade of reverence for life.
When life is nothing but pain, frustration, sorrow, fear and horror, what's there to revere? There's nothing left...
I'm not afraid of death, as I have nothing left to lose. What I am afraid of however is dying, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. After all I've been through I don't want to spend my final moments gasping for air and panicking. I don't want to have to put my arms above my head in fight or flight and beg for help, as my poor Mother did as she was dying from cancer, so completely overwhelmed with pain that her character was gone and all that was left was an effigy to suffering.
Fuck that. It's unnecessary. You gotta know when to fold 'em.
As always, thanks for listening. I wish I were there to give you a big hug.
I'm wishing I never asked for help; the only difference it ever made was that it is now impossible to obtain a firearm so that I can end my life in a fast and relatively humane manner.
Does anyone else feel the same?
No wonder people just end it without saying anything- if they do they might lose their method.
Gunshot to me is the best method; blast the brain stem to bits with a shotgun and there isn't even time to contemplate what's just happened. A split second and it's all over and done with. And the wondrous sense of control when one knows that release is but a mere trigger pull away...
My chronic pain is now so bad that I barely ever sleep, and feel continuous horrible waves of dread and anxiety from sleep deprivation. It's relentless physical and psychological torture.
It is now that I need the mercy of death so desperately that I am least able to achieve it.
I've had chronic pain for years but it's only been 9 months since it got to the point where it's so excruciating that I can't sleep.
I couldn't imagine going years like this... I swear I'd have dementia in a few more months.
Sleep deprivation on this level reeeaaaaally fucks with you. Can barely concentrate. Just repeating thoughts of despair invading one's mind non stop.
Typical society; milk you dry for everything you're worth while you're well, then when the chips are down and you're drowning, interfere so that you can't even end your life in a humane manner.
Makes a man bitter. Makes me wish I could take back all the kindness and generosity I showed before chronic pain destroyed my life.
All I'm asking for, after having my life fucked up by the actions of others, is a quick death of my choosing. I bared my burdens as well as I could. I've never harmed a soul, despite my intense desire to do so at times.
I'd give you the shirt off my back, but if it should cause me hypothermia, don't begrudge my finding warmth by any means necessary...
Surely a decent death isn't that much to ask for... But of course this society has to be so utterly repugnant, arrogant and controlling as to fail in yet another way.
Eat until we get diabetes, while others starve. Maim and kill children and innocent people, while those begging for Death slice open their arms, horribly damage themselves from overdoses, lose their minds in asylums...
If I were less scrupulous I'd cause some damage in protest- perhaps target and harm a few pro-lifers, to teach them the pain they put others through when they're cornered with no way out: "If I had access to euthanasia or a gun I never would've had to do this".
Fortunately (or unfortunately!) as a victim of crime I'm far too aware of the damage it causes, how it causes harm that cannot be undone. I don't want anyone else to have to face that.
My hands are clean and I'd like to keep them that way.
But I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind.
Just because people live such cushy lives that they can't even imagine what it's like to go through this, and my suffering is to them but an inconvenient reminder of the harshness of life, doesn't mean I'm not facing it. They can pat themselves on the back for "saving" people from themselves, then go about their day.
Meanwhile those people are living horrendously nightmarish lives beyond their comprehension. For them there is no reprieve, no way to turn their backs.
I've had to face the horrible reality that people who I care about really don't care as much about me. Nobody wants to entertain the idea of my death, or help me out of this nightmare.
It was all fun and games when things were going well, but now that I'm in trouble there isn't a soul who will stand with me and show me the respect I deserve.
I shouldn't have to spend my final days begging for help in despair, like a cornered wild animal. It doesn't have to be like this. It doesn't have to be degrading and horrible.
Really makes me realise how alone in the world I truly am.
If a friend of mine were this desperately miserable I'd hold their hand at the End, and respect their right to be free of misery, as a caring friend would.
It's not as if a miracle is going to occur and I'm going to wake up OK tomorrow. The only way out of this situation is in a box.
I'm tired of the masquerade: hiding the fear of death behind a facade of reverence for life.
When life is nothing but pain, frustration, sorrow, fear and horror, what's there to revere? There's nothing left...
I'm not afraid of death, as I have nothing left to lose. What I am afraid of however is dying, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. After all I've been through I don't want to spend my final moments gasping for air and panicking. I don't want to have to put my arms above my head in fight or flight and beg for help, as my poor Mother did as she was dying from cancer, so completely overwhelmed with pain that her character was gone and all that was left was an effigy to suffering.
Fuck that. It's unnecessary. You gotta know when to fold 'em.
As always, thanks for listening. I wish I were there to give you a big hug.
