Anyone else who thinks that his or her life is a never ending nightmare?

[noname223]

Sometimes it seems so cruel that I cannot grasp that it is reality. This is my life. My one and only chance. There were some instances where I really was like "please wake me up". Everything is so cruel and torturous. For example when I was fired. I was so fucking sad and it was soulcrushing. I had to give a presentation about the company where I worked and had to praise it after I was fired by them after they spit in my face.

It seems like the things I want to have cannot be reached because I want them too much. For example love. I am so lonely in that instance but my brain melts when I approach women. It feels like I humiliate myself regularly.

I am daydreaming about a good future and some hope. But everything is quite shallow and unrealistic. It is all escapism. Currently some people praised me for being so smart because my grades in college are so good. Though it does not mean much. I am a workaholic and this is the sole reason for my "success". I am not even able to hold a job everything is so fucking unnecessary. I am very fragile and neurotic. Other students barely do anything. And I give my everything just because I suffer from OCD and perfectionism on a ridiculous level which destroys my life quality. Even if I could hold a job which is very unlikely they would realize eventually that I am not as smart as my grades suggest. And that I am a faker.

Therapists praised me for how self-aware I am. I got compliments for my astonishing grades. Well this super self-aware guy is pretty sure that he will be forced to kill himself eventually. All my attempts to get a good life are so fucking desperate. If I develop a psychosis because of the stress in college this will be the final nail in the coffin. It is all so worthless.

I am really like that guy in many stories from whom one knew "well he was struggling and he always had issues etc. But that this guy committed suicide I am really surprised by that. He probably had his demons." The relationship with my parents screws me so much. That such stupid people destroyed my life by abusing me. I am way more intelligent than them but that is not really difficult. But it shows me that my intelligence was not worth anything because they could break me without any chance for me to escape from it. I am so unhappy. My life quality is a joke. Everything repeats and repeats. The problems accumulate instead of being solved. I sometimes have good feelings for example when I have manic symptoms. Or some psychotic delusions which give me hope. But I realized way too often in my life that optimism for my future prospects were false and induced by mania. The thoughts about my crush are sort of delusional. Thinking about them can give me positive emotions. But in the end that is just not the reality. I am a pretty lonely and unhappy person. Since a decade I have daily suicidal thoughts. I tried so fucking much to recover. It is a rat race. And it is so fucking cruel. I am so fucking anxious to relapse. I cannot cope with all of that shit. The next weeks will be hell on earth for me. I am suffering so fucking much during exams. It is all for nothing. Just because people abused me. Just because people broke me. Justice only wins in movies. My anxiety will be on an insane level. All my abusers have won. I am a broken person. I am a mess. I am a wreck. My life is a hellhole.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've had to endure, I just think that existing in the first place is so nightmarish, to have the ability to suffer truly is such a horrible burden. Death certainly is the only relief in such a hellish world, I dread to think of what lies ahead, I know that existing will only get worse.

 

[tweaka2x]

I literally have been thinking the same way sometimes I truly believe that I died at some point "maybe my last suicide attempt was successful" Is what I tell myself because life truly does not seem real a couple times I coulda sworn I was dreaming trying to pinch myself but I was already awake

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

yes its hell i want to be gone

 

[thechamp]

Mate, forget your crush. I don't think you're in a good place for a relationship and chances are she's not even that great because plenty of dudes put their crushes on holy pedestals. I'm of the type to say that I don't need a woman because I want to work hard, so take it or leave it from me. Personally I would get past those exams first, because at the end of that, you're free and with that you should find the solution you've been thinking about. I'd go hit the gym and hit my problems one by one slowly and slowly. You'd be surprised how a sport or the gym will blow your confidence out of the water. God bless your heart and I wish you the best during exam season

 

[leavingsoon99]

I've thought this way about my life ALL of my life. It's like I was put here for either punishment or some kind of sick joke. Like people are just programmed to hate me. Like everything is supposed to collapse on my head. CTB is my only way out. I feel you, and am truly sorry you had to be one of the souls to experience this. I really feel like I do not belong on this earth and now I'm getting ready to leave. I wish you luck and peace in your journey.

 

[OceanBlue]

I think it's a nightmare for everybody, whether they realize it or not. Imagine being oblivious like most people, a complete mockery of someone's existence. And awareness becomes another torture. My situation also seems perfectly designed to torture me the most, my brain wants to do things my body can't, I just try to remember that it can always be worse.

 

[Twistedliesinside]

The interesting thing in life is that going through hell, suffering abuse, feeling tortured and trapped, sometimes puts you in unique situations. These situations or projects or whatever you might do to escape a lower quality of life can be conquered when it is something you create and isn't created by the rules of the rat race. Whatever you do, make it unique to you, if you can do anything you can be proud of, you might just look at yourself in a much better light. Sounds like you work so hard following the path you've been told to follow. I don't think that can bring anyone happiness, especially with your level of self-awareness.

I must admit that I definitely indulge manic states of mind myself, then often when I come back to what I think is reality I never want to exist. Without taking risks, trying to pave my own path, I would have no good memories. I definitely believe that the right path is the path least trodden. Anyway I just thought I'd share with you my current thoughts on your situation. Good luck with your exams. Try not to become just another brick in the wall, better to risk shattering on the ground, before you do it to yourself. Nothing in life matters but how you feel about yourself. All the best.

 

[Hollowman]

Yep, I wish I could wake up.

 

[emptyheart]

I told my therapist today… It just gets progressively worse. I only wait for death.

 

[grendel4578]

everything gets worse for me and the more i think about things the more hopeless i get. it really does feel like a never ending nightmare. been this way for me for at least the past four years

 

[TydalWave]

I've thought this way about my life ALL of my life. It's like I was put here for either punishment or some kind of sick joke. Like people are just programmed to hate me. Like everything is supposed to collapse on my head. CTB is my only way out. I feel you, and am truly sorry you had to be one of the souls to experience this. I really feel like I do not belong on this earth and now I'm getting ready to leave. I wish you luck and peace in your journey.

This fear has honestly become my SI. I can't kick the thought that this existence, being as miserable as it is, is as you said, a punishment or a sick joke. And if either of those are true, I can't imagine suicide will be my ticket out...

Someone is going to comment that this is irrational, and how nothing exists of us before or after death. And that's okay, you can think that. I don't firmly believe in any of it either, but I believe they are possibilities. And these possibilities hold just as much weight in my mind as the thought of nothing existing at all.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Sometimes it seems so cruel that I cannot grasp that it is reality. This is my life. My one and only chance. There were some instances where I really was like "please wake me up". Everything is so cruel and torturous. For example when I was fired. I was so fucking sad and it was soulcrushing. I had to give a presentation about the company where I worked and had to praise it after I was fired by them after they spit in my face.

It seems like the things I want to have cannot be reached because I want them too much. For example love. I am so lonely in that instance but my brain melts when I approach women. It feels like I humiliate myself regularly.

I am daydreaming about a good future and some hope. But everything is quite shallow and unrealistic. It is all escapism. Currently some people praised me for being so smart because my grades in college are so good. Though it does not mean much. I am a workaholic and this is the sole reason for my "success". I am not even able to hold a job everything is so fucking unnecessary. I am very fragile and neurotic. Other students barely do anything. And I give my everything just because I suffer from OCD and perfectionism on a ridiculous level which destroys my life quality. Even if I could hold a job which is very unlikely they would realize eventually that I am not as smart as my grades suggest. And that I am a faker.

Therapists praised me for how self-aware I am. I got compliments for my astonishing grades. Well this super self-aware guy is pretty sure that he will be forced to kill himself eventually. All my attempts to get a good life are so fucking desperate. If I develop a psychosis because of the stress in college this will be the final nail in the coffin. It is all so worthless.

I am really like that guy in many stories from whom one knew "well he was struggling and he always had issues etc. But that this guy committed suicide I am really surprised by that. He probably had his demons." The relationship with my parents screws me so much. That such stupid people destroyed my life by abusing me. I am way more intelligent than them but that is not really difficult. But it shows me that my intelligence was not worth anything because they could break me without any chance for me to escape from it. I am so unhappy. My life quality is a joke. Everything repeats and repeats. The problems accumulate instead of being solved. I sometimes have good feelings for example when I have manic symptoms. Or some psychotic delusions which give me hope. But I realized way too often in my life that optimism for my future prospects were false and induced by mania. The thoughts about my crush are sort of delusional. Thinking about them can give me positive emotions. But in the end that is just not the reality. I am a pretty lonely and unhappy person. Since a decade I have daily suicidal thoughts. I tried so fucking much to recover. It is a rat race. And it is so fucking cruel. I am so fucking anxious to relapse. I cannot cope with all of that shit. The next weeks will be hell on earth for me. I am suffering so fucking much during exams. It is all for nothing. Just because people abused me. Just because people broke me. Justice only wins in movies. My anxiety will be on an insane level. All my abusers have won. I am a broken person. I am a mess. I am a wreck. My life is a hellhole.

I feel like I have overcome quite a few hurdles and challenges many wouldn't only to be knocked down harder each and everytime. While society drags me down. So yeah I think many aspects of my life have sucked. Nightmare? Ehh there's worse. But living your whole life essentially alone other than fleeting friendships usually with narcissists isn't exactly a fun life. I'm 29 and I have a hard time trying to remember the last time I had true unencumbered fun or felt like damn I really belong/have friends. I was viciously bullied in middle schools. In high school virtually every relationship was online. In college I had some acquittances and a close "friend" though it seems pretty obvious now he was just using me. Between college/medical school I found a mentor but had no real friends. In medical school in Poland said mentor killed himself, everyone there either isolated, bullied, or used me. Close friends no. To say nothing about the staff/personnel who made your life hell. Now I am completely broke after being a victim of crimes there. I'm not a doctor, I work what is basically minimum wage for me at a shit job assembling medical equipment where everyday I am called a moron, stupid, etc... I literally went from being in medical school with a college degree (psychology), to putting together more complex ikea esque medical equipment while being told I am a moron. Friends ehh some of the co-workers help especially with transportation as I don't have a care and have to walk 5 miles there and 5 miles back usually in different areas. It seems pretty split. Maybe friends will be made... But I am alone, broke, living in a homeless shelter. My family abandoned me. Yeah maybe some people would go hell yeah for me it's a nightmare. I worked my ass off and my reward is basically being mocked by everyone. How can you not hate yourself and your life? Maybe there's some egotisticalness or narcissism but I feel like I deserve and frankly earned better.

 

[yyytry]

Right on. I feel this.

Perfectionism also makes me resentful of the stupid fucks who don't try, yet get all the accolades.