N
noname223
Archangel
- Aug 18, 2020
- 5,330
Sometimes it seems so cruel that I cannot grasp that it is reality. This is my life. My one and only chance. There were some instances where I really was like "please wake me up". Everything is so cruel and torturous. For example when I was fired. I was so fucking sad and it was soulcrushing. I had to give a presentation about the company where I worked and had to praise it after I was fired by them after they spit in my face.
It seems like the things I want to have cannot be reached because I want them too much. For example love. I am so lonely in that instance but my brain melts when I approach women. It feels like I humiliate myself regularly.
I am daydreaming about a good future and some hope. But everything is quite shallow and unrealistic. It is all escapism. Currently some people praised me for being so smart because my grades in college are so good. Though it does not mean much. I am a workaholic and this is the sole reason for my "success". I am not even able to hold a job everything is so fucking unnecessary. I am very fragile and neurotic. Other students barely do anything. And I give my everything just because I suffer from OCD and perfectionism on a ridiculous level which destroys my life quality. Even if I could hold a job which is very unlikely they would realize eventually that I am not as smart as my grades suggest. And that I am a faker.
Therapists praised me for how self-aware I am. I got compliments for my astonishing grades. Well this super self-aware guy is pretty sure that he will be forced to kill himself eventually. All my attempts to get a good life are so fucking desperate. If I develop a psychosis because of the stress in college this will be the final nail in the coffin. It is all so worthless.
I am really like that guy in many stories from whom one knew "well he was struggling and he always had issues etc. But that this guy committed suicide I am really surprised by that. He probably had his demons." The relationship with my parents screws me so much. That such stupid people destroyed my life by abusing me. I am way more intelligent than them but that is not really difficult. But it shows me that my intelligence was not worth anything because they could break me without any chance for me to escape from it. I am so unhappy. My life quality is a joke. Everything repeats and repeats. The problems accumulate instead of being solved. I sometimes have good feelings for example when I have manic symptoms. Or some psychotic delusions which give me hope. But I realized way too often in my life that optimism for my future prospects were false and induced by mania. The thoughts about my crush are sort of delusional. Thinking about them can give me positive emotions. But in the end that is just not the reality. I am a pretty lonely and unhappy person. Since a decade I have daily suicidal thoughts. I tried so fucking much to recover. It is a rat race. And it is so fucking cruel. I am so fucking anxious to relapse. I cannot cope with all of that shit. The next weeks will be hell on earth for me. I am suffering so fucking much during exams. It is all for nothing. Just because people abused me. Just because people broke me. Justice only wins in movies. My anxiety will be on an insane level. All my abusers have won. I am a broken person. I am a mess. I am a wreck. My life is a hellhole.
It seems like the things I want to have cannot be reached because I want them too much. For example love. I am so lonely in that instance but my brain melts when I approach women. It feels like I humiliate myself regularly.
I am daydreaming about a good future and some hope. But everything is quite shallow and unrealistic. It is all escapism. Currently some people praised me for being so smart because my grades in college are so good. Though it does not mean much. I am a workaholic and this is the sole reason for my "success". I am not even able to hold a job everything is so fucking unnecessary. I am very fragile and neurotic. Other students barely do anything. And I give my everything just because I suffer from OCD and perfectionism on a ridiculous level which destroys my life quality. Even if I could hold a job which is very unlikely they would realize eventually that I am not as smart as my grades suggest. And that I am a faker.
Therapists praised me for how self-aware I am. I got compliments for my astonishing grades. Well this super self-aware guy is pretty sure that he will be forced to kill himself eventually. All my attempts to get a good life are so fucking desperate. If I develop a psychosis because of the stress in college this will be the final nail in the coffin. It is all so worthless.
I am really like that guy in many stories from whom one knew "well he was struggling and he always had issues etc. But that this guy committed suicide I am really surprised by that. He probably had his demons." The relationship with my parents screws me so much. That such stupid people destroyed my life by abusing me. I am way more intelligent than them but that is not really difficult. But it shows me that my intelligence was not worth anything because they could break me without any chance for me to escape from it. I am so unhappy. My life quality is a joke. Everything repeats and repeats. The problems accumulate instead of being solved. I sometimes have good feelings for example when I have manic symptoms. Or some psychotic delusions which give me hope. But I realized way too often in my life that optimism for my future prospects were false and induced by mania. The thoughts about my crush are sort of delusional. Thinking about them can give me positive emotions. But in the end that is just not the reality. I am a pretty lonely and unhappy person. Since a decade I have daily suicidal thoughts. I tried so fucking much to recover. It is a rat race. And it is so fucking cruel. I am so fucking anxious to relapse. I cannot cope with all of that shit. The next weeks will be hell on earth for me. I am suffering so fucking much during exams. It is all for nothing. Just because people abused me. Just because people broke me. Justice only wins in movies. My anxiety will be on an insane level. All my abusers have won. I am a broken person. I am a mess. I am a wreck. My life is a hellhole.
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