Dawn0071111
Hungry Ghost
- Dec 9, 2018
- 570
I was wondering what is the deepest motivation for wanting to die. I feel humiliated because I have come to believe that I caused my trauma from last summer. That my brain betrayed me and I cannot be sure how much of it was me..and how much was the perpetrator. I think it was 50/50. But since I was in love with this person, my behaviour in the end- I ran away and never looked back until my suicide attempt....... I was in a fog. I went insane. I sent a 50 page handwritten suicide, letter, picture of us and my necklace as a keepsake. No matter what the final analysis may be, I hate myself. I believe that if I wasn't so damaged, I would have acted differenlty. I would be happy and in love. And even if I wasn't I would not have humiliated myself. Lowered myself. The truth of my desperation was exposed and it was stepped upon with no empathy, but I feel like it was all my fault. I want to murder myself. A lot of people kill themselves because they can't shake that feeling of humiliation. Of an imaginary finger pointing at me laughing. I agree with it. My ego is so fragile. It shattered, my freinds turned against me or blamed me. I REFUSE TO LIVE AS THE "CRAZY GIRL" and its too late not to be. It's all I think about. I miss him everyday. I am embarrassed beyond despair. I hate myself. I am so sad. I HAVE to kill myself because I ruined it. My brain BETRAYED me. FUck living in a body and mind that isn't in alignment with my deisre and will.
I have a date set. Before the end of October. No more self centeredess... No more being so folded in on myself and my little problems that I am nothing but a leech, an emotional scavenger. The girl who tried to kill herself over a guy she knew 3 months. I hate her. She must die. I'm so sorry for the insane morbidity of this. I know it seems like I am writing through lens of insanity. But this world is enough to make soft souls insane.
I bought a scale today to measure out SN. I think the C0 is going to be too much of a hassle because I would have to rent a vehicle (was thinking a moving truck)...
I love everyone here. But I want to just shut down the humiliation of being "that girl" even if I am the only one who knows. I failed. There will be no self forgiveness. No learning from the past and moving on. I know I missed my chance. And even if I didn't ---- I am not letting hope in. I refuse to. I am defiant. I am warped. I want to be resuced, saved. Loved and taken care of forever. I am not fit to live in the harsh adult world. I will never be able to get over how I could ever over-value and lift to the level of a God a mere man who treated me like shit...... And I will lay down in my chosen method and say fuck it. sleep girl sleep.. It will all be over soon. And as I drift off I can see us dancing ---- no more embrassment of my fantasies and my shame of being so worthless that I can't carry them out. The rage of not being a powerful sexy, beautiful woman. I will die NEVER having been in true love. I'm obviously not CAPABLE of it. SO I will trash the whole thing. Isolated, alone, humilated, betrayed by my mind. To willfull and insane to do anything about it except swallow the poison...................
Will I get dizzy? Fade to black? WIll I convulse, choke for air? Feel my heart palpilating? So the fuck what? I can get through it. Millions of others have, and I shall too. Every 40 seconds.... SOmeone else boards the bus..... Every 40 seconds..someone else is tired of this shit. And one of them might have been the perfect match for me. Tragic.
I have a date set. Before the end of October. No more self centeredess... No more being so folded in on myself and my little problems that I am nothing but a leech, an emotional scavenger. The girl who tried to kill herself over a guy she knew 3 months. I hate her. She must die. I'm so sorry for the insane morbidity of this. I know it seems like I am writing through lens of insanity. But this world is enough to make soft souls insane.
I bought a scale today to measure out SN. I think the C0 is going to be too much of a hassle because I would have to rent a vehicle (was thinking a moving truck)...
I love everyone here. But I want to just shut down the humiliation of being "that girl" even if I am the only one who knows. I failed. There will be no self forgiveness. No learning from the past and moving on. I know I missed my chance. And even if I didn't ---- I am not letting hope in. I refuse to. I am defiant. I am warped. I want to be resuced, saved. Loved and taken care of forever. I am not fit to live in the harsh adult world. I will never be able to get over how I could ever over-value and lift to the level of a God a mere man who treated me like shit...... And I will lay down in my chosen method and say fuck it. sleep girl sleep.. It will all be over soon. And as I drift off I can see us dancing ---- no more embrassment of my fantasies and my shame of being so worthless that I can't carry them out. The rage of not being a powerful sexy, beautiful woman. I will die NEVER having been in true love. I'm obviously not CAPABLE of it. SO I will trash the whole thing. Isolated, alone, humilated, betrayed by my mind. To willfull and insane to do anything about it except swallow the poison...................
Will I get dizzy? Fade to black? WIll I convulse, choke for air? Feel my heart palpilating? So the fuck what? I can get through it. Millions of others have, and I shall too. Every 40 seconds.... SOmeone else boards the bus..... Every 40 seconds..someone else is tired of this shit. And one of them might have been the perfect match for me. Tragic.