anyone else struggling so much to accept that this is it?

[PrincessInWhite]

I've been ready to die for a LONG time now, but I cannot get past the blind grief that my life is over, and the stupid harmful hope that it could change.

I've asked this before, but any tv shows or movies or articles on accepting death would be very appreciated, I don't have the attention span for books anymore.

Thanks for listening <3 I'm a shell at this point

 

[ThePaleWhiteLight]

What Dreams May Come. It is a strongly pro-life film on the surface, but ths more you look into it....

 

[PrincessInWhite]

What Dreams May Come. It is a strongly pro-life film on the surface, but ths more you look into it....

thank you! <3

 

[symphony]

I don't have any recommendations, but I agree with the sentiment. I find myself frequently mourning those things that were just never meant to be.

 

[Al Cappella]

Movies, articles, you forgot albums. Absolutely top of that list is 'You Want it Darker', by Leonard Cohen. Then there's Black Star, Bowie. Lastly—not an album—but Johnny Cash's version of Hurt (orig. Nine Inch Nails). It's stuff that grabs you and doesn't let go…

 

[PrincessInWhite]

I don't have any recommendations, but I agree with the sentiment. I find myself frequently mourning those things that were just never meant to be.

yes! like I cannot let go of the hope things could be different!! it hurts so much to finally accept they won't ever happen

Movies, articles, you forgot albums. Absolutely top of that list is 'You Want it Darker', by Leonard Cohen. Then there's Black Star, Bowie. Lastly—not an album—but Johnny Cash's erosion of Hurt (orig. Nine Inch Nails). It's stuff that grabs you and doesn't let go…

thank you, I will check these out!

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

Movies, articles, you forgot albums. Absolutely top of that list is 'You Want it Darker', by Leonard Cohen. Then there's Black Star, Bowie. Lastly—not an album—but Johnny Cash's version of Hurt (orig. Nine Inch Nails). It's stuff that grabs you and doesn't let go…

Wow, you and I share the same taste/appreciate the same music! Great recommendations. I was listening to Johnny Cashs's version of Hurt only the other day. The video for it is a heartbreaker too, those images of JC's career and life. Anyway just wanted to say I like what you recommended and agree with them.

 

[Al Cappella]

Wow, you and I share the same taste/appreciate the same music! Great recommendations. I was listening to Johnny Cashs's version of Hurt only the other day. The video for it is a heartbreaker too, those images of JC's career and life. Anyway just wanted to say I like what you recommended and agree with them.

I think there is something achingly beautiful in all that because it's the stripped away essence of a being that knows the gig is up. There are no pretensions of buying time and choice—and I tend to believe, in those moments, you truly find out what you are. And of course Cash turned his into a completely different song, and even Reznor said it blew him away…

 

[FuneralCry]

With accepting death, the way that I see it, we will all die eventually, our lives are all so meaningless and temporary. It can be hard to accept death as this existence is all we know, but I tell myself that my life is pointless and it does not really matter. All my problems will die with me. I actually look forward to death, the thought of no longer existing brings me a lot of comfort. All my suffering will end and I will be at peace. I just wish that it was easier to leave this world, that is what holds me back. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[lostmylove]

I'm also struggling a little to see a way to finish the job. I know what's needed to be done, I know how to do it. I know things will only go downhill from here and there's no chance of a future. But coming to terms with fact I gotta do it is scary. Even if I'm sober an calm I can't seem to get in right mentality to come to terms with what's required.

It's difficult. I don't wanna drift a few years knowing everything will be x10 worse. It's better to go out now with dignity.

 

[Leiden]

Yea, I can't accept or believe this is what it has come to.

 

[rationaltake]

I finally have the insight to live a life. But it's too late. I can't go back. I don't even remember a lot of my life due to DID.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

Yea, I can't accept or believe this is what it has come to.

exactly this. I mean I guess I can technically accept it yes, but I will never be ok with it, if that makes any sense at all.

I finally have the insight to live a life. But it's too late. I can't go back. I don't even remember a lot of my life due to DID.

big hugs for you my friend <3 I have many mental illnesses but DID isn't one so I can't imagine the anguish of losing so many moments of your life like that.

 

[SofterSoftest]

I feel this a lot. On the outside, my life seems 'stable' and like I have a lot figured out - I'm in a long-term relationship, I'm employed professionally, and I can meet my basic needs. Yet my life's purpose has really just come down to working extremely hard all the time just to survive and it seems completely meaningless. I am not sure what the point of continuing this for 25+ years would be in my case.

When I think about how I feel inside vs. how my life looks on the outside, I feel deeply ashamed and I also can't believe it's coming down to this. Nearly 37 years and all of it is crumbling down because I feel completely devoid of purpose and at my peak of exhaustion.

 

[rationaltake]

big hugs for you my friend <3 I have many mental illnesses but DID isn't one so I can't imagine the anguish of losing so many moments of your life like that.

Thank you.

I understand not being able to accept the way things are.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

With accepting death, the way that I see it, we will all die eventually, our lives are all so meaningless and temporary. It can be hard to accept death as this existence is all we know, but I tell myself that my life is pointless and it does not really matter. All my problems will die with me. I actually look forward to death, the thought of no longer existing brings me a lot of comfort. All my suffering will end and I will be at peace. I just wish that it was easier to leave this world, that is what holds me back. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find what you are looking for.

Thank you for your comments and your kindness The actual process of leaving is absolutely a barrier too. I feel if I had N it would be a little bit easier, I could go in my bed. But I'm not willing to put my family through the rigamarole after death about the N- they'll question them to high hell about where I got it, did they know, etc and probably want to search my devices and stuff. When it's something that's legal to obtain and very clearly self inflicted it's a little less awful in terms of questioning, I think. My best friend ctb with the exit bag and they still questioned her family like crazy, but once they told them they didn't purchase any of the materials or help assemble it and they were not in any way actively involved with this act, the police left the same day and dropped it. Sorry for the monologue!!

I'm also struggling a little to see a way to finish the job. I know what's needed to be done, I know how to do it. I know things will only go downhill from here and there's no chance of a future. But coming to terms with fact I gotta do it is scary. Even if I'm sober an calm I can't seem to get in right mentality to come to terms with what's required.

It's difficult. I don't wanna drift a few years knowing everything will be x10 worse. It's better to go out now with dignity.

Yes!!! I already regret waiting in many ways and wish I'd gone around fall of last year for sure. I really cannot afford to wait another couple years, I shudder to even THINK how awful things will be. Again, once you have PM privileges I look forward to chatting with you more

I feel this a lot. On the outside, my life seems 'stable' and like I have a lot figured out - I'm in a long-term relationship, I'm employed professionally, and I can meet my basic needs. Yet my life's purpose has really just come down to working extremely hard all the time just to survive and it seems completely meaningless. I am not sure what the point of continuing this for 25+ years would be in my case.

When I think about how I feel inside vs. how my life looks on the outside, I feel deeply ashamed and I also can't believe it's coming down to this. Nearly 37 years and all of it is crumbling down because I feel completely devoid of purpose and at my peak of exhaustion.

This is exactly how I felt while pursuing my (on the outside) respectable and potentially decently lucrative career. The stress of it and working to the bone made me immediately wonder what the goddamn fuck I'm doing here, when simply getting by requires working like a dog. This is not the same place it was 50 years ago where living comfortably was possible with a normal job schedule. Millennials and gen z have been ROYALLY fucked in terms of quality of life. Godspeed to everyone who is able and willing to stick around for this hell. My inbox is open if you ever wanna chat

 

[Red Scare]

All my problems will die with me.

All my suffering will end

Can you accept that the suffering and problems will just be transferred to the people left to deal with it in the wake of your suicide? That's the predicament most of us here find ourselves in, and having to weight he pros and cons of each.

that is what holds me back.

Is it though? Because there are several peaceful options detailed right here on this very forum. You never say more than this in your posts, but I suspect there has got to be other reasons than just that it's not readily available, because many on this forum have found ways around that.

No shame in that. I just think if you are sticking around for any other reasons, friends, family, job, life might not be so pointless for you as you let on in your comments here. Maybe there are people in your life you are not ready to say goodbye to. Like I said, no shame in that.

But if your only reason is that you find it difficult to find a way to do it... well, there are plenty of people who went through D and have not complained.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

Can you accept that the suffering and problems will just be transferred to the people left to deal with it in the wake of your suicide? That's the predicament most of us here find ourselves in, and having to weight he pros and cons of each.

Is it though? Because there are several peaceful options detailed right here on this very forum. You never say more than this in your posts, but I suspect there has got to be other reasons than just that it's not readily available, because many on this forum have found ways around that.

No shame in that. I just think if you are sticking around for any other reasons, friends, family, job, life might not be so pointless for you as you let on in your comments here. Maybe there are people in your life you are not ready to say goodbye to. Like I said, no shame in that.

But if your only reason is that you find it difficult to find a way to do it... well, there are plenty of people who went through D and have not complained.

My life is 10000% over and I still will feel heartbroken to the bitter end because I've ALWAYS struggled deeply with change and this is the greatest transition there is. I go into this in more detail in my most recent post, but long story short just because someone is devastated to have to go doesn't mean they're not ready. I do freely admit that this pain of accepting my
Life is over so soon is part of why I haven't gone through with it, not just the methods, although I do genuinely struggle with choosing one- exit bag is hard for me because I live with 4 other people, hanging is not reliable at all, the peaceful factor of SN is highly variable according to reports and personal threshold for what constitutes pain and suffering, and I can't risk N due to many legal factors and because I know they'd drag my poor family through the mud after trying to figure out where I got it. At least with a legal method they tend to buzz off after they've ascertained nobody physically assisted the deceased. I cannot acquire a gun with my
History of mental illness. Those are my only options.

Just some food for thought there's a lot of grey area here, but I absolutely see what you're saying, and I do agree there's probably plenty of people here who would benefit from slowing down and analyzing their reasons for ctb and if they've really tried all they can, etc. this especially goes for folks who have made this decision quickly over a single life instance before which life was fine or manageable (a breakup, lost job, etc). There's definitely NEVER any shame in staying around longer if you aren't sure, in fact it takes great courage to do so.

 

[myopybyproxy]

YES.

i grieve for what could have been and i grieve for what will be. (i already know that i am selfish and self centred)

hope is a bloody four letter word.

 

[FuneralCry]

Can you accept that the suffering and problems will just be transferred to the people left to deal with it in the wake of your suicide? That's the predicament most of us here find ourselves in, and having to weight he pros and cons of each.

Is it though? Because there are several peaceful options detailed right here on this very forum. You never say more than this in your posts, but I suspect there has got to be other reasons than just that it's not readily available, because many on this forum have found ways around that.

No shame in that. I just think if you are sticking around for any other reasons, friends, family, job, life might not be so pointless for you as you let on in your comments here. Maybe there are people in your life you are not ready to say goodbye to. Like I said, no shame in that.

But if your only reason is that you find it difficult to find a way to do it... well, there are plenty of people who went through D and have not complained.

The way I see it, of course suicide will cause pain to others, but loss is inevitable in this life, we will all die eventually and there is not much we can do about it. Everyone will lose everything someday.
I do not have a reason to live, but maybe I am just not desperate enough at the moment to find a way through the difficulty of ctb. If there was an easily accessible peaceful way out available, I know that I would take it. I think that in the future things will likely get worse for me and then I will get extremely desperate and then I will have to find a way. I have no energy at the moment for planning ctb, I am so tired.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

YES.

i grieve for what could have been and i grieve for what will be. (i already know that i am selfish and self centred)

hope is a bloody four letter word.

"I grieve for what could have been and I grieve for what will be" this hit me so deep. I am sending you the BIGGEST hug <3

 

[Red Scare]

If there was an easily accessible peaceful way out available, I know that I would take it.

But there is, right here on this website. Of course I am not encouraging anyone to commit suicide.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I've been ready to die for a LONG time now, but I cannot get past the blind grief that my life is over, and the stupid harmful hope that it could change.

I've asked this before, but any tv shows or movies or articles on accepting death would be very appreciated, I don't have the attention span for books anymore.

Thanks for listening <3 I'm a shell at this point

In the last 200,000 years, 1000,000,000 humans have lived and died, and a majority of them died as children. Every day 150,000 people die on this planet, and 50,000,000 die every year. Your life is a tiny weeny grain of sand on a huge beach. Your death is nothing unusual. It's the thing that all living things, and all humans, have most in-common with each other. We all die. 100 billion humans have already gone through this dying process, most of them kids who never got anything even remotely resembling the life they would've liked. Your death is normal, usual, common, nothing out of the ordinary. In the grand scheme of things, It's just not that important.

That's what helps me anyway. I hope it helps you too x

 

[PrincessInWhite]

In the last 200,000 years, 1000,000,000 humans have lived and died, and a majority of them died as children. Every day 150,000 people die on this planet, and 50,000,000 die every year. Your life is a tiny weeny grain of sand on a huge beach. Your death is nothing unusual. It's the thing that all living things, and all humans, have most in-common with each other. We all die. 100 billion humans have already gone through this dying process, most of them kids who never got anything even remotely resembling the life they would've liked. Your death is normal, usual, common, nothing out of the ordinary. In the grand scheme of things, It's just not that important.

That's what helps me anyway. I hope it helps you too x

It's weird, at first it made me anxious then I smoked a bowl and it brought me SO much peace!! It's like I needed to accept this and it made something click a tiny bit in my brain. This did help, thank you

 

[Pain In The Ass]

It's weird, at first it made me anxious then I smoked a bowl and it brought me SO much peace!! It's like I needed to accept this and it made something click a tiny bit in my brain. This did help, thank you

I'm glad I helped.

It hurts, because that's not what we're told about how we should feel and what will happen. We're told that our individual lives are important and precious, and we should be petrified of death, and we should expect to retire at 65, go on around-the-world cruises till we're 75, drink tea and eat cake every day and watch daytime TV till we're 85, then move to a care home and watch old films in a communal living-room whilst drifting in and out of sleep till we're 95, and then die peacefully of doctor-induced morphine overdose. And when you realize that was all a fabrication, and that's not what happened for a vast majority of humans who ever lived, and that's not how it's going to go for you either, it really hurts. I thought I was important, and my ambitions, life satisfaction and general happiness were important, but it turns out I'm not, and they aren't.

 

[Leiden]

@PrincessInWhite it's like every single day I keep saying this can't be. How could it have gotten so bad. I wish I could go back. I wake up screaming no, no, noo because I'm so tormented and frightened by it all. I just can't believe this is what it's come to, this is how bad its got and there's no changing it so I'm stuck in this hell.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Due to cultural background expectations for life were low

I can accept this is it

What I can't stand is being a cog in the machine for the Anglo Zionist Chinese death machine

 

[Pain In The Ass]

@PrincessInWhite it's like every single day I keep saying this can't be. How could it have gotten so bad. I wish I could go back. I wake up screaming no, no, noo because I'm so tormented and frightened by it all. I just can't believe this is what it's come to, this is how bad its got and there's no changing it so I'm stuck in this hell.

We grow up with this idea that we will live life according to the accepted narrative - childhood, school, uni, job, career, marriage, family, grandchildren, retire, cruise, retirement home, heart attack, morphine, death.

But the bad shit has got to happen to someone - we just assumed it wouldn't be us.

 

[stellabelle]

I've been ready to die for a LONG time now, but I cannot get past the blind grief that my life is over, and the stupid harmful hope that it could change.

I've asked this before, but any tv shows or movies or articles on accepting death would be very appreciated, I don't have the attention span for books anymore.

Thanks for listening <3 I'm a shell at this point

No. I know that this is what it is and what it has become and unfortunately what it will always be, regardless. Very fucking disappointing and very saddening.

No point.

Kiss it goodbye.

 

[ReluctantSeeker]

What Dreams May Come. It is a strongly pro-life film on the surface, but ths more you look into it....

Huge bump for that movie. It made an impact on me, a lifetime ago, even though I was perfectly healthy at the time.

In the end, many people in this situation just want to find a little rest, and, hopefully, a little peace.