Venting Anyone else struggle with BPD?

[mydogatemyshampoo]

Bit of a vent-bit of just looking for people in similar positions to feel normal and know that there are other people in the world that understand it and talk about it. I'm so sick of the constant mood swings that happen every 5 minutes from the smallest things that just totally set me off, and then suddenly i feel completely detached or normal again within a few minutes. I'm just constantly up and down like 20 times through out the day and it's so fucking exhausting. And the derealization/depersonalization and feeling like I'm the only being in the universe, and like everyone I'm talking to isn't a real person, just a fake person put in front of me and programmed to respond to me-like they're not actually listening or empathizing or even comprehending whatever Im saying. And the severe paranoia, and episodes of psychosis that seem to come for whatever really upsets me about every 2 weeks now, where I get dizzy and am either rambling incoherently to whoever I'm talking to and am convinced I'm being watched or stalked by some demon or someone drugged me without me knowing, and all the while I'm shaking and stuck in a loop of panic attacks, and it gets impossible for me to move or even focus my eyes. And the getting attached to one specific person, to the point where I'm attached, and I'm either desperately clinging to them every second of the day or I'm trying to detach myself and end the relationship because we'll have a rough patch and I'm convinced the best course of action is for me to break it off and then promptly kill myself. The isolation is awful, I've had episodes everyday for like 2 weeks now, Im unsure if I've ever had an episode this bad. Every night is me being alone and sobbing and trying to come up with a ctb plan, or me being on the phone with my bf and he's trying to make me feel better but in the moment nothing seems to work and I feel even more alone and just end up trying to break up with him. It's gotten to the point where my period arrives like nearly 3 weeks earlier than it's supposed to just because of the constant stress and hormone changes. Im always tired and nauseous or so upset that it physically hurts, and I feel like an awful person, and it's impossible to enjoy anything. Idk what to do. Im terrified of therapy, I had an awful 2 year long experience with it when I was 13 and have been too scared to ever try it again. I can't keep doing this, Im genuinely lost as to what I should do other than just trying to find the best way out.

 

[gluttony]

Yeah, I feel you. Currently at a low point because of a breakup 4 months ago, everytime I think I'm getting better there's always some shit that pisses me off and I repeat the loop again. And somedays I'd dream of my ex and that shit breaks me, going from missing her to hating her to accepting that she's gone and just repeating all that all day long is tiring. I'm at the point where I just give up, I see my friends leaving me one by one and I just don't care anymore.

 

[mydogatemyshampoo]

Yeah, I feel you. Currently at a low point because of a breakup 4 months ago, everytime I think I'm getting better there's always some shit that pisses me off and I repeat the loop again. And somedays I'd dream of my ex and that shit breaks me, going from missing her to hating her to accepting that she's gone and just repeating all that all day long is tiring. I'm at the point where I just give up, I see my friends leaving me one by one and I just don't care anymore.

Sending love 2 u. It's so tiring feeling like you're constantly suffering. Wishing there was more I could say to offer support or make those feelings go away for anyone else that deals with them

 

[heisenberg]

i struggle with this as well. the constant highs and lows are exhausting and i hate always feeling like my partner is going to leave me. i push everyone away whenever i get in a relationship and whenever i finally convince myself that "i hate my partner" i break up with them before they can break up with me. i always end up completely alone after a relationship.

 

[kotonearisato]

Yeah, I was diagnosed years ago and sometimes I feel things have only gotten worse, not better, even with treatment. It's absolutely an exhausting way to live and I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I've been with my husband for over a decade and still far too often I have to be reminded that he's not going anywhere and that he's happy I'm here, and of course then I feel like an awful person and I feel like my only option is to CTB because he deserves better and I deserve none of his kindness... Exhausting doesn't even truly cover it. I hope things look up for you soon.

 

[Life_and_Death]

sorry, thats about all im emotionally capable of rn.. but hi, im here

 

[Euthanizedmonkey]

Feeling this to my core. 16 years of therapy and yet I'm still here struggling. I'm actually participating in clinical trials as a volunteer about BPD to try and get this curse better understood. Had a bit of luck with some meds they tested made things like 10% better. Maybe there is hope out there but those things take time and most of us don't have it. There is a reason we have such a high suicide rate. Being on fire every day of your life will do that to you.

 

[thepiecessatup]

I struggle with bpd too and used alcohol to cope with it which landed me suicidal and in rehab. I'm now just suicidal and want to ctb. It has ruined so many relationships and I can't see a way forward. I just feel like the world's worst person, full of guilt and shame. BPD is the worst.

 

[susaesco]

Sí, lo entiendo, me diagnosticaron TLP y C-PTSD, cada minuto de mi vida es una agonía. Mis padres arruinaron mi vida para siempre. No sé lo que es ser feliz. No creo que lo haga nunca. Todos los días pienso en el suicidio, no lo hago por miedo al karma y a la reencarnación. No podría repetir esto una vez más. Sólo espero que mi muerte no tarde mucho. Me odio profundamente

 

[Malaria]

Yes I have BPD, along some other disorders. It's truly hell. The fact that it's a highly stigmatized disorder doesn't help either.

 

[logi3535]

I never got diagnosed but hearing other peoples stories and how my ex always spoke of her history with it, I feel like I have it too. I envy the people that say these feelings are normal because it really doesn't feel like they are

 

[JKFleck]

HAHAHAHAHA I lost my best and only friend and got kicked out of my family because I have it (realized abandonment)

 

[BorderlineChellery]

Yep, I have BPD among other mental illnesses. It's been 3 years since any medication has worked for me. I'm ready to ctb, I'm sick of this pain everyday. The only time I get any relief is when I'm asleep

 

[Bartlebee]

Bit of a vent-bit of just looking for people in similar positions to feel normal and know that there are other people in the world that understand it and talk about it. I'm so sick of the constant mood swings that happen every 5 minutes from the smallest things that just totally set me off, and then suddenly i feel completely detached or normal again within a few minutes. I'm just constantly up and down like 20 times through out the day and it's so fucking exhausting. And the derealization/depersonalization and feeling like I'm the only being in the universe, and like everyone I'm talking to isn't a real person, just a fake person put in front of me and programmed to respond to me-like they're not actually listening or empathizing or even comprehending whatever Im saying. And the severe paranoia, and episodes of psychosis that seem to come for whatever really upsets me about every 2 weeks now, where I get dizzy and am either rambling incoherently to whoever I'm talking to and am convinced I'm being watched or stalked by some demon or someone drugged me without me knowing, and all the while I'm shaking and stuck in a loop of panic attacks, and it gets impossible for me to move or even focus my eyes. And the getting attached to one specific person, to the point where I'm attached, and I'm either desperately clinging to them every second of the day or I'm trying to detach myself and end the relationship because we'll have a rough patch and I'm convinced the best course of action is for me to break it off and then promptly kill myself. The isolation is awful, I've had episodes everyday for like 2 weeks now, Im unsure if I've ever had an episode this bad. Every night is me being alone and sobbing and trying to come up with a ctb plan, or me being on the phone with my bf and he's trying to make me feel better but in the moment nothing seems to work and I feel even more alone and just end up trying to break up with him. It's gotten to the point where my period arrives like nearly 3 weeks earlier than it's supposed to just because of the constant stress and hormone changes. Im always tired and nauseous or so upset that it physically hurts, and I feel like an awful person, and it's impossible to enjoy anything. Idk what to do. Im terrified of therapy, I had an awful 2 year long experience with it when I was 13 and have been too scared to ever try it again. I can't keep doing this, Im genuinely lost as to what I should do other than just trying to find the best way out.

I have this as well. Even in here people laugh at me. I'm the perpetual unlovable shit streak inside the toilet bowl that's dried up and needs to be scrubbed off. That's what it is constantly and everyone laughs. Everyone.