Venting Anyone else sick of people "reaching out" to you but not wanting to know the reality?

[alltoomuch2]

As per the question above, does anyone get sick of, or even angry about, others reaching out to check you're ok but not meaning it? All the anti-suicide adverts telling people to ask if someone is ok twice. My brother does this. Every week at some point he'll ask "how are you you" or "how was your weekend"? Every time I have to say "fine". Then he asks "what have you done today" or "what are you doing today" and it's so bloody patronising. Usually I'm very careful what I say because he has anxiety issues and until very recently had no idea I was suicidal (he thought I was just anxious and burnt out), so I've always felt obliged to say "fine" and list some "activities" I've done that will reassure him. He's recently become aware I could be suicidal or have been possibly once (lol) because I made an unguarded comment on Instagram and some stranger screenshotted it to him and said he had to call me because I was going to ctb and he panicked, called me, called my psych nurse. So now I still feel even more like I have to fake being ok like some damned performing seal to keep reassuring him. But yesterday I was having a bpd rage episode, and along came the "how was your weekend, What did you do today" and I totally lost it. Told him how my weekend had actually been. What I'd actually done. I wasn't rude or ranty, I just said how my weekend had been and even put a laugh emoji at the end. Since then, silence from him. I mean why bloody ask if you don't want the truth? Presumably just to make himself feel better. The people I thought were my friends at work haven't contacted me at all since I was sent home from work a year ago with a mental breakdown (I'm still unable to work) and I find that hurtful. But you know what, I think that's better than constantly asking "how are you" and not wanting to hear the real answer. I get that most people aren't equipped to deal with those of us wanting to ctb, or even know that we feel like that, but ffs, don't ask how I am if you don't really want to know.

 

[Leiot]

I think most people really do care; they just don't know how.

 

[swankysoup]

I never tell anyone anything about how i'm really doing. What will that lead to? Them telling me to go to therapy or eat some pills to numb my emotions. No thanks.

 

[SA1994EC]

I am in a different situation. Everyone I tried to reach out to for some help left me. In a way, I wish I had anyone who reached out to me even though their words and actions are not really helpful. I guess each one of us has different issues with other people.

 

[supremelimbo]

i think generally people care and want you to feel seen/ heard, but in most cases, they don't really know how to react when someone they care about is hurting. most people just want things to be "okay" because they aren't really good at managing crisis

 

[alltoomuch2]

I think most people really do care; they just don't know how.

I don't think my brother cares apart from how it affects him. He's one of the few people I've told about my BPD diagnosis. He still hasn't taken the time to understand what it is. When my dad ctb'd, my brother's first thought was to suggest hiding the evidence because he was worried about what people think.

I never tell anyone anything about how i'm really doing. What will that lead to? Them telling me to go to therapy or eat some pills to numb my emotions. No thanks.

I don't usually either. I only tell my mental health workers and the Samaritans helpline. I've never told my family I'm suicidal. It was a total cock-up that my brother found out through this stranger contacting him. I agree. That is the reason I wouldn't tell them because what could they or would they do? But then why does this brother have to put on the facade of being interested? I'd rather he just had a normal conversation rather than this empty pretence at caring. All it does is put strain on me answering his loaded questions in the way that he wants.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too harsh though. Like, I'm not really sure what else they could say. Would it be worse if they didn't bother at all? For me, it's not so much they wouldn't reply. It's that it would most likely be a platitude. Quite often a ridiculous platitude. When I've complained about work, I've received suggestions like: 'Become an astronaut.' Like- thanks but, I don't even want to become an astronaut! I also think you need pretty high qualifications to be considered somehow...

But yeah. It's weird really. Not that I have told that many people but of the ones I have told- it's true- how do you answer: 'How's it going? How are you?' I do feel tempted to reply: 'Asides from not wanting to exist you mean?' But, I go with the same response as you- 'Fine thanks.' I wonder who actually means that!

For me, it's when you phone companies and they ask you how your day is going. For some reason, that really troubles me. I go with 'fine' again but I really want to say: 'It's probably going equally as badly as yours is. The likelihood is, I'm ringing you to complain about some service your company failed in and- you have to patiently listen to it. I expect both of us have things we'd prefer to be doing!'

 

[alltoomuch2]

I am in a different situation. Everyone I tried to reach out to for some help left me. In a way, I wish I had anyone who reached out to me even though their words and actions are not really helpful. I guess each one of us has different issues with other people.

Believe me, I have no one to reach out to who cares about me. I really don't, it's not just some pity party. I have no friends. My work colleagues disappeared instantly. My other brother never contacts me or anyone else in the family unless he wants something. My mother was physically and mentally abusive. I don't know why I still speak to her. the psycs say its trauma bonding. But she never asks how I am. I contact her every week and she is just the same judgemental cold person she always was, except now she likes to tell me every week that she wishes she was dead. She may or may not really feel like that. She's used dramatic lies all our lives to get what she wants. She'd tell people she was recently bereaved when she wasn't, while she was in a rant to some poor shop person that she was complaining to/about. I still reassure her as I'd want to be reassured, telling her that she;s loved etc, and she's happy then, but doesn't start to think about the corrosive effect it has on me. She tells me how she never sees anyone, then goes on to tell me about her busy social calendar from the past week. She's never been there for me, she's contributed to my c-ptsd with her abuse throughout my childhood. This brother does the "how are you. What did you do today" but takes days to read the answer and excuses it as having to (variously) eat his pizza, take the dog for a walk, play with the dog. Even though he messaged me at that time, it wasn't my choice. I don't really mind just reassuring him each time by not telling him anything, but it's draining me, and it's actually worse than not contacting me, because it's obvious he really doesn't care and is just doing it as some sort of weird gesture. So I don't feel cared about. I feel obligation and hurt. And I feel patronised. I wish he wouldn't do it. But it would hurt him if I said that and that's just not in me.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too harsh though. Like, I'm not really sure what else they could say. Would it be worse if they didn't bother at all? For me, it's not so much they wouldn't reply. It's that it would most likely be a platitude. Quite often a ridiculous platitude. When I've complained about work, I've received suggestions like: 'Become an astronaut.' Like- thanks but, I don't even want to become an astronaut! I also think you need pretty high qualifications to be considered somehow...

But yeah. It's weird really. Not that I have told that many people but of the ones I have told- it's true- how do you answer: 'How's it going? How are you?' I do feel tempted to reply: 'Asides from not wanting to exist you mean?' But, I go with the same response as you- 'Fine thanks.' I wonder who actually means that!

For me, it's when you phone companies and they ask you how your day is going. For some reason, that really troubles me. I go with 'fine' again but I really want to say: 'It's probably going equally as badly as yours is. The likelihood is, I'm ringing you to complain about some service your company failed in and- you have to patiently listen to it. I expect both of us have things we'd prefer to be doing!'

But if someone close to you said, "actually I'm struggling", you'd ask some more wouldn't you? You'd at least let them know they are loved and understood? I know you would from your posts on here. And I do that for my mother and this brother. But all I get is obligation from my brother to be ok, and emotional dumping from my mother. I'd be far happier without them tbh. All my life I've been the strong one, the support, the one who kept going when the rest of the family were traumatised by my dad's problems and ctb attempts. Then something broke a year ago and now I could do with the support, it's nowhere, and I still have to be the strong one. And that's so hard.

 

[eclipserot]

Believe me, I have no one to reach out to who cares about me. I really don't, it's not just some pity party. I have no friends. My work colleagues disappeared instantly. My other brother never contacts me or anyone else in the family unless he wants something. My mother was physically and mentally abusive. I don't know why I still speak to her. the psycs say its trauma bonding. But she never asks how I am. I contact her every week and she is just the same judgemental cold person she always was, except now she likes to tell me every week that she wishes she was dead. She may or may not really feel like that. She's used dramatic lies all our lives to get what she wants. She'd tell people she was recently bereaved when she wasn't, while she was in a rant to some poor shop person that she was complaining to/about. I still reassure her as I'd want to be reassured, telling her that she;s loved etc, and she's happy then, but doesn't start to think about the corrosive effect it has on me. She tells me how she never sees anyone, then goes on to tell me about her busy social calendar from the past week. She's never been there for me, she's contributed to my c-ptsd with her abuse throughout my childhood. This brother does the "how are you. What did you do today" but takes days to read the answer and excuses it as having to (variously) eat his pizza, take the dog for a walk, play with the dog. Even though he messaged me at that time, it wasn't my choice. I don't really mind just reassuring him each time by not telling him anything, but it's draining me, and it's actually worse than not contacting me, because it's obvious he really doesn't care and is just doing it as some sort of weird gesture. So I don't feel cared about. I feel obligation and hurt. And I feel patronised. I wish he wouldn't do it. But it would hurt him if I said that and that's just not in me.

But if someone close to you said, "actually I'm struggling", you'd ask some more wouldn't you? You'd at least let them know they are loved and understood? I know you would from your posts on here. And I do that for my mother and this brother. But all I get is obligation from my brother to be ok, and emotional dumping from my mother. I'd be far happier without them tbh. All my life I've been the strong one, the support, the one who kept going when the rest of the family were traumatised by my dad's problems and ctb attempts. Then something broke a year ago and now I could do with the support, it's nowhere, and I still have to be the strong one. And that's so hard.

I've struggled being there for close ones that had struggled these emotions and pain, and ultimately failed being anything decent of a support. The years of enduring that failure coupled with my personal physical challenges has exhausted me at my core, ultimately leading me into near identical positions as they.

If i may ask; what would be the best way for someone close to you to show the support you'd need to help you endure another day of this suffering? Maybe in a post-humorous way, i'll finally "get it" just before my time is up as well.

 

[Leiot]

My ex used to ask me if I took my meds if I was having a bad day.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I've struggled being there for close ones that had struggled these emotions and pain, and ultimately failed being anything decent of a support. The years of enduring that failure coupled with my personal physical challenges has exhausted me at my core, ultimately leading me into near identical positions as they.

If i may ask; what would be the best way for someone close to you to show the support you'd need to help you endure another day of this suffering? Maybe in a post-humorous way, i'll finally "get it" just before my time is up as well.

Just for them for once in their lives to say they care about me and I'm loved. But I know I'm not and it won't occur to my family to say that. I've never asked anyone for help or support, never given away that I'm struggling until I had to explain why I couldn't work any more when I had the breakdown. And even then I just said I had anxiety. I still don't ask them for support. But when he asks how I am, and finally I let him know just a part of how I really am, I get nothing. No response. Not even "so sorry you're feeling like that". Just the next day, "sorry I was eating my pizza". I really want to tell the whole family I'm tired of looking after them all, and just to get stuffed. But it's not in me to do that because I know how bad hurting hurts. I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But I would be better off without my family. I just can't bring myself to do that to them. They're like a millstone around my neck.

My ex used to ask me if I took my meds if I was having a bad day.

My ex used to ask me if I took my meds if I was having a bad day.

That's it exactly! You understand. It's the "concern" that isn't concern. It's the patronising, not understanding, not caring. It's worse than nothing at all.

 

[untothedepths]

idk who to trust anymore, cause anytime i tell someone how i am its usually to get me unguarded for more wild shit to happen or its "WELL I LISTENED TO YOU NOW YOU OWE ME XYZ".

normally i know real people eventually get tired of hearing the same thing and just stop caring because they think you arent trying to improve your situation. as if anyone would want to feel like this.

id rather if people didnt ask how i was. it so much nicer not to have to worry about potential blackmailing horseshit.

 

[permanently tired]

I think most people really do care; they just don't know how.

Most ppl dumb af, let's be fr. It's a nice intention, but they prob too oblivious to understand

As per the question above, does anyone get sick of, or even angry about, others reaching out to check you're ok but not meaning it? All the anti-suicide adverts telling people to ask if someone is ok twice. My brother does this. Every week at some point he'll ask "how are you you" or "how was your weekend"? Every time I have to say "fine". Then he asks "what have you done today" or "what are you doing today" and it's so bloody patronising. Usually I'm very careful what I say because he has anxiety issues and until very recently had no idea I was suicidal (he thought I was just anxious and burnt out), so I've always felt obliged to say "fine" and list some "activities" I've done that will reassure him. He's recently become aware I could be suicidal or have been possibly once (lol) because I made an unguarded comment on Instagram and some stranger screenshotted it to him and said he had to call me because I was going to ctb and he panicked, called me, called my psych nurse. So now I still feel even more like I have to fake being ok like some damned performing seal to keep reassuring him. But yesterday I was having a bpd rage episode, and along came the "how was your weekend, What did you do today" and I totally lost it. Told him how my weekend had actually been. What I'd actually done. I wasn't rude or ranty, I just said how my weekend had been and even put a laugh emoji at the end. Since then, silence from him. I mean why bloody ask if you don't want the truth? Presumably just to make himself feel better. The people I thought were my friends at work haven't contacted me at all since I was sent home from work a year ago with a mental breakdown (I'm still unable to work) and I find that hurtful. But you know what, I think that's better than constantly asking "how are you" and not wanting to hear the real answer. I get that most people aren't equipped to deal with those of us wanting to ctb, or even know that we feel like that, but ffs, don't ask how I am if you don't really want to know.

My dad disturbs me twice to a day to vocalize that I'm loved, he just wants me to "be happy," and how am I doing. No point in continuing a conversation with him him so I just tell him to go away cuz the last time I tried to explain my thought he just doesn't understand and questions where they came from. Not even worth trying with these ppl.

 

[PromisedLand]

I am in a different situation. Everyone I tried to reach out to for some help left me. In a way, I wish I had anyone who reached out to me even though their words and actions are not really helpful. I guess each one of us has different issues with other people.

This is pretty much what happened to me. The only people I have left are people I have to be so careful to try and hide my internal pain from. It's so difficult and painful, but I do it because if I did not, then I'd have nobody left.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I find my own space (isolating) pretty frustrating and upsetting at times. I wish folk from my past lives would 'reach out' again sometimes, but I burnt (ghosted) those bridges. I don't understand myself, can't articulate myself when I'm 'not right' which led to more and more 'pressure' to 'not bottle up' 'you can speak to me' which then created such awkwardness and guilt where it then seemed that I was 'hiding' things from people who were close friends when in my reality, I just don't understand and had no words. Or when I did try, it was just generic textbook low level suicidal/low confidence/zero self worth type comments that would come out of me, nothing that actually meant or explained anything. And all that could be offered in response was 'meds/talking to someone professional'. And upset friends that I wasn't doing anything, and that I was hiding stuff from them.

So I have learnt to remind myself that isolation is shit but at least its only messing with myself, I feel so much worse when dragging others along/messing them around.

 

[Quotable2793]

I think it's really pointless for me to reach out to anyone. What are they gonna do. I'm already in therapy and on meds. How can they help me in any way? They can't. All they would do is call the police and have me put in a psych ward if I told them I was going to kill myself and I sure as hell don't want to go back there. I'd rather be dead than be traumatized by that again.

 

[tss fss]

Rule number 1 :

Never ever tell people about you mental issues unless you trust them 100%.

Mentally ill people feel overwhelmed and need to vent sometimes so they just let loose on someone who was occasionally asking them the simple routine question of ' how are you ' .

Listen my friend , if someone is asking you how was your week it doesn't mean they are interested in listening to you mental issues , what is most likely to happen in that case is that you will be cut off or at least be kept at a safe distance and looked down upon with pity and even disgust .

What people with mentall illness usually fail to realize is that society sees them as 'people to be avoided' , just like homeless drug freaks. Imagine if some homeless tarazan looking drug addict came to you and started venting about their problems , you will most likely feel scared , disgusted and pathetic and you will try to avoid them . Society sees mental issues as something so dark that they would rather stay away from.

So at work or with friends always put on your 'I'm normal' mask and do your best to hide this part of you.

 

[kat6]

So… I've been on the other end of the conversation and I was also the patronizing person in a way.

I've had a relationship with a person who would threaten sc at every argument and use it as a manipulation tactic. It was hell. I had no sympathy for it, and did not fall for it. Regardless if the threats were based on real feelings, using ctb as a weapon like that, just no. I walked away every time it was brought up and refused to hear it.

I also have a friend who is the most self sabotaging person I ever met. He has expressed suicidal feelings to me. He refuses to even try to improve his life in any way. He is not out of options, and he has great support from his family. He doesn't have to work, or go to college or do anything. His parents fully support his recovery and want him to get better. He can afford therapy, etc. He just refuses to go see a therapist, refuses to take any meds, doesn't want a job, or anything. He just sits in his room all day, plays video games, complains about everything and mentions sc whenever anyone mentions he's not helping himself.

So I do have sympathy for people who may be put off by sc statements due to prior experiences with people like those, or people who genuinely care and want to help but don't know how (majority I believe).

Personally, I don't share my feelings outside this forum. I'm a very solution oriented person.. no amount of talking, coping mechanisms, etc would help me in any way. I would need a practical solution for all my shit, or no need to bother anyone with anything. I already know they can't help me.

 

[Leiot]

Rule number 1 :

Never ever tell people about you mental issues unless you trust them 100%.

Absolutely. People hear those words and all the stereotypes they've seen on TV and the Internet come into their heads. And if you're a military veteran you get all of the 'disturbed vet' views too. Yeah, vent here or in your shrink's office.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I get what you're saying. The But this is my brother and he has mental health issues too. Which is why I never vent to him. This was the first time

Rule number 1 :

Never ever tell people about you mental issues unless you trust them 100%.

Mentally ill people feel overwhelmed and need to vent sometimes so they just let loose on someone who was occasionally asking them the simple routine question of ' how are you ' .

Listen my friend , if someone is asking you how was your week it doesn't mean they are interested in listening to you mental issues , what is most likely to happen in that case is that you will be cut off or at least be kept at a safe distance and looked down upon with pity and even disgust .

What people with mentall illness usually fail to realize is that society sees them as 'people to be avoided' , just like homeless drug freaks. Imagine if some homeless tarazan looking drug addict came to you and started venting about their problems , you will most likely feel scared , disgusted and pathetic and you will try to avoid them . Society sees mental issues as something so dark that they would rather stay away from.

So at work or with friends always put on your 'I'm normal' mask and do your best to hide this part of you.

So… I've been on the other end of the conversation and I was also the patronizing person in a way.

I've had a relationship with a person who would threaten sc at every argument and use it as a manipulation tactic. It was hell. I had no sympathy for it, and did not fall for it. Regardless if the threats were based on real feelings, using ctb as a weapon like that, just no. I walked away every time it was brought up and refused to hear it.

I also have a friend who is the most self sabotaging person I ever met. He has expressed suicidal feelings to me. He refuses to even try to improve his life in any way. He is not out of options, and he has great support from his family. He doesn't have to work, or go to college or do anything. His parents fully support his recovery and want him to get better. He can afford therapy, etc. He just refuses to go see a therapist, refuses to take any meds, doesn't want a job, or anything. He just sits in his room all day, plays video games, complains about everything and mentions sc whenever anyone mentions he's not helping himself.

So I do have sympathy for people who may be put off by sc statements due to prior experiences with people like those, or people who genuinely care and want to help but don't know how (majority I believe).

Personally, I don't share my feelings outside this forum. I'm a very solution oriented person.. no amount of talking, coping mechanisms, etc would help me in any way. I would need a practical solution for all my shit, or no need to bother anyone with anything. I already know they can't help me.

My mother does this and always has. When I was young she'd lie and say my dad or her dad had just died, just to add drama to whatever silly nasty complaint she was making to shop workers etc. Now she constantly complains how she's sees no one and wishes she was dead. She had one counselling session with much protest and didn't do any more because the road where the building was has litter. She has done nothing else to improve her mental health even though I've made her aware she can self-refer for CBT therapy. Despite what she says about not seeing anyone, she has a very full social calendar and sees one of my brothers regularly. I'm in contact with her every week. I've never shared the extent of my mental health problems and suicidality with my family or anyone else except for mental health workers, helplines and occupational health. My point is that my brother, instead of having a normal conversation with me, comes out repeatedly with this patronising "what have you done today" or "what are you going to do today" but doesn't reply to my made up answer until sometimes 24hrs later, usually with some patronising platitude. Even this time I didn't tell him the full story. I said I'd been trying to start arguments with people on Facebook and driving erratically because I was angry with people (blame the joys of bpd). I'd never share my mental health problems with my family both for my sake and theirs. Mine because I don't want them checking up on me and making me feel trapped. Theirs because I don't want them constantly worried.