I don't want them to suffer but every day for me is just torture. I can't go on like this but knowing how they would feel. It would crush them. Anyone else share similar thoughts?
pharmacoepia
STEM nerd that is pro-CTB. Asmov looks far-out eh?
- Apr 9, 2023
- 106
It's normal to feel this way. Whether you want to CTB or stay with your family in this mortal plane is up to you. Are you sure you want to really CTB? CTB is a permanent solution, and if you haven't seeked treatment, and you can afford it, go ahead and see if you still want to CTB.
Remember that this quite literally the last decision of your life.
Remember that this quite literally the last decision of your life.
stermc
libertas quae sera tamen
- Nov 24, 2022
- 946
Some time ago I would say I feel the same, but I have realized I can't keep living for other people. Every little humane mistake they make is enough to make me want to give up again and that's not fair to them and it's also not fair to me. I have tried to change the perspective and rely on myself in this aspect, but it gets hard most of the times. I want to leave less damage as possible though.
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dimstar
Poor little woodpecker
- Mar 17, 2023
- 320
If it weren't for the idea of hurting close family I would have gone through with it by now. I dont think its something I'll ever get over. But ultimately it's your life and noone else can truly know your pain. I dont see any easy answers but your not alone in that feeling.
Avyn
Experienced
- Jan 27, 2021
- 223
I feel you. I keep postponing my suicide because of the sake of other people. I don't want to make anybody sad, but at the same time me existing is causing me so much pain and I'm sure everyone would be better off without me anyways.
I wish it was possible to erase your existence, as if you were never born.
I wish it was possible to erase your existence, as if you were never born.
My family has suffered a lot of loss in these past 6 years or so. They're already on their knees.
I'm very close to several of my family members and thought of causing them immense grief, fucks with my head. My concern is that if anything were to happen to me, it'd start a chain reaction and potentially cause even more death in the family. I don't think my Mum would survive it, as her health is already on the decline and if she died, she'd be leaving behind my sister. I think of the prospect of them all seeing my body in the funeral home, attending my funeral etc. It weighs on my heavily. My mum has a baby picture of me on her living room wall. I can barely bring myself to visit because I'd see that picture of that happy, smiling little boy I once was.
I made myself a promise that I will provide closure if the day comes and I can't take it any more, whether it's a note, lengthy online post, whatever it may be and hopefully that'll alleviate some of the grief. I would be leaving with a heavy heart. It's nobody's fault. Some of us just don't make it.
I'm very close to several of my family members and thought of causing them immense grief, fucks with my head. My concern is that if anything were to happen to me, it'd start a chain reaction and potentially cause even more death in the family. I don't think my Mum would survive it, as her health is already on the decline and if she died, she'd be leaving behind my sister. I think of the prospect of them all seeing my body in the funeral home, attending my funeral etc. It weighs on my heavily. My mum has a baby picture of me on her living room wall. I can barely bring myself to visit because I'd see that picture of that happy, smiling little boy I once was.
I made myself a promise that I will provide closure if the day comes and I can't take it any more, whether it's a note, lengthy online post, whatever it may be and hopefully that'll alleviate some of the grief. I would be leaving with a heavy heart. It's nobody's fault. Some of us just don't make it.
Lately, I am being driven by anger maybe a little too much for my own good so it's always strange when I am experiencing the guilt of hurting them and the extreme resentment that they will never support me at the same time. It's hard not to just settle for believing that they want me to be tortured but I guess the reality is that they just can't accept I'm suffering and need a way out. Including all of the pills I've been prescribed, I've tried around 20 or so treatments maybe.
Definitely around that number give or take and then there was all the self help stuff and random combos of meds I had already taken. I guess it's just really hard knowing that they can't accept that I have a bad prognosis. I want to die so bad but of course despite all the anger, the guilt still persists. This is absolute torture and I'm pissed. I know they love me but they obviously can not grasp what everyday has felt like for so long. I feel as though one day this situation will grow stale and I'll make the choice no matter how it impacts them. That day probably won't be anytime soon though.
Definitely around that number give or take and then there was all the self help stuff and random combos of meds I had already taken. I guess it's just really hard knowing that they can't accept that I have a bad prognosis. I want to die so bad but of course despite all the anger, the guilt still persists. This is absolute torture and I'm pissed. I know they love me but they obviously can not grasp what everyday has felt like for so long. I feel as though one day this situation will grow stale and I'll make the choice no matter how it impacts them. That day probably won't be anytime soon though.
BlackWednesday
Student
- Oct 18, 2022
- 112
It's the only thing that bothers me about CTB. Otherwise I'm completely at peace with my decision
ThisIsLife
Specialist
- Feb 3, 2023
- 371
Can you be absolutely sure that if you didn't CTB today you wouldn't naturally or accidently die tomorrow ?
You could try to weigh if having control over your deadline would affect other people's lives more than if you haven't, but not anticipate it. You would just guess and the odds that your close ones grow from the pain and change other people's lives (and/or theirs) positively because of it are not worse than if you stayed alive. There could be a better future waiting for them when you die that nobody could have anticipated and you'd never know.
Life is much more complicated than we think and if good never came from bad, humanity would never have evolved to where we are now.
Of course you can't help but picturing the suffering of those you'd leave behind but the universe is perpetually reajusting and there are much bigger things at play all at once that will have (and already had) much more impact on their psychology than your death in the end.
Zoom out from the limit that is time. Nothing has more chance to happen when living another day than when dying the day before.
You could try to weigh if having control over your deadline would affect other people's lives more than if you haven't, but not anticipate it. You would just guess and the odds that your close ones grow from the pain and change other people's lives (and/or theirs) positively because of it are not worse than if you stayed alive. There could be a better future waiting for them when you die that nobody could have anticipated and you'd never know.
Life is much more complicated than we think and if good never came from bad, humanity would never have evolved to where we are now.
Of course you can't help but picturing the suffering of those you'd leave behind but the universe is perpetually reajusting and there are much bigger things at play all at once that will have (and already had) much more impact on their psychology than your death in the end.
Zoom out from the limit that is time. Nothing has more chance to happen when living another day than when dying the day before.
Ultracheese
Arcanist
- Dec 1, 2022
- 490
As many others here have expressed more eloquently than me, it's a very common sentiment. That fear of not wanting to hurt the ones you love but also wanting to escape your own suffering is totally understandable. You're not selfish at all for having these thoughts.
plurkid
Night is right
- Mar 16, 2023
- 80
Im the same. My family would be heartbroken, especially my grandparents, who already lost my mom. Above all else I want to spare them any more pain so I'm (it's a sad thought) waiting for them to die of old age which shouldn't be too long. But the more I wait the more difficult it is to keep going on.
I've weighed whether or not to do it anyway and Ive come up with everything except my goodbye note to them. I can write one to my sister, dad, even my dead mom, but I can't write one for my grandparents. It's a huge roadblock and is causing even more inner conflict on top of the pain that's already there.
I suppose, on the brighter side, at least I have these feelings of love for them. It says that I still have something beautiful in life, even though it still doesn't overcome my CTB desire.
I've weighed whether or not to do it anyway and Ive come up with everything except my goodbye note to them. I can write one to my sister, dad, even my dead mom, but I can't write one for my grandparents. It's a huge roadblock and is causing even more inner conflict on top of the pain that's already there.
I suppose, on the brighter side, at least I have these feelings of love for them. It says that I still have something beautiful in life, even though it still doesn't overcome my CTB desire.
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I want to die, but I love my family unconditionally. I do not want to transfer my pain to them upon my death. So for now, I will stick around and endure my own pain and regrets for as long as I can because I would rather go through it rather than them having to go through that
epic
Enlightened
- Aug 9, 2019
- 1,813
I am thrice as afraid of hurting my family after CTB than going through the process of partial hanging .
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,279
No. The feelings of others does not concern me because feelings are not real.
I have these feelings towards my nees and nephiews. They are all very young, and I hate the idea of giving them this example. Tbh, I wish they will never face the things I had to, but I still feel crap for the impact it may have on them.
Mortalist
Member
- Apr 19, 2023
- 57
No matter how much it pains, and how long in prevails. We will hurt everyone we leave behind, but will be forgiven one day. Because that is what love is in the end.
"I love you, and that is why I am letting you go".
"I love you, and that is why I am letting you go".
Nah in fact a good part of why I want to kill myself has to do with my family
huntergirl14
Member
- Mar 15, 2023
- 76
I know they wont care except my mom…. But even she despises me blames me for her life and it is kind of my fault
She has sacrificed a lot for me and it will hurt her to see me dead but I will leave her my entire savings which might make her life easier
She has sacrificed a lot for me and it will hurt her to see me dead but I will leave her my entire savings which might make her life easier
Mortalist
Member
- Apr 19, 2023
- 57
You are not responsable for what your mothers' life has become and have no fault in this.
It is the job of a parent to make shure their child(ren) turn out allright, that takes alot of time and effort. But that was also her choice, to have kids.
It allways amazes me. Do bad parents make kids just for the sake of it? I don't understand why I even exist, my parent failed in that profession.
Never for once do pople think what starting a family truly means. And in the end, we get to suffer the consequences because of their insolence.
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