xXiloveyouXx
muffin man
- Jul 27, 2024
- 105
I'm talking about love, but it can be about anything traumatic or life-altering.
I'll never let myself move on, never love again, I'm not interested in having sex ever again for the rest of my life. She and I were too connected. We could be apart for half a decade and she could go get married and I'd still feel like I'd be cheating on her by loving someone else. Not that I could. My heart is tired and hollow for everyone but her.
I pretend to talk to her sometimes as if she's dead, because she functionally is and we'll never see one another in this life again. I'll think of a stupid joke as I'm driving and instinctively look over at the passenger seat expecting to see her laughing, I imagine her like a ghost that keeps beckoning me. Since I can't see her and can't ever satisfy my desire I'm convinced that I only can by dying and that will let us be together forever.
It doesn't phase me that this is unhealthy obsession or that I'm delusional or having schizo symptoms flare up, because it all makes too much sense and order will be restored with my death. There's no one I could say this honestly to in real life without changing the way they see me and revealing my power level as a delusional freak, so posting this is like an act of exhibitionism. I want to be seen for how I truly am by someone before I die.
I'll never get over it because I don't want to get over it because the pain is too meaningful to become just another thing that happens in a person's life. It can't be like that. This must be the narrative end.
I'll never let myself move on, never love again, I'm not interested in having sex ever again for the rest of my life. She and I were too connected. We could be apart for half a decade and she could go get married and I'd still feel like I'd be cheating on her by loving someone else. Not that I could. My heart is tired and hollow for everyone but her.
I pretend to talk to her sometimes as if she's dead, because she functionally is and we'll never see one another in this life again. I'll think of a stupid joke as I'm driving and instinctively look over at the passenger seat expecting to see her laughing, I imagine her like a ghost that keeps beckoning me. Since I can't see her and can't ever satisfy my desire I'm convinced that I only can by dying and that will let us be together forever.
It doesn't phase me that this is unhealthy obsession or that I'm delusional or having schizo symptoms flare up, because it all makes too much sense and order will be restored with my death. There's no one I could say this honestly to in real life without changing the way they see me and revealing my power level as a delusional freak, so posting this is like an act of exhibitionism. I want to be seen for how I truly am by someone before I die.
I'll never get over it because I don't want to get over it because the pain is too meaningful to become just another thing that happens in a person's life. It can't be like that. This must be the narrative end.
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