Anyone else pretty much always wanted to ctb?

[Hoarsewithnoname]

I'm curious how many on here have always felt suicidal/like they wanted to die. For me it's been for my entire life as long as I can remember - certainly back to before age 10. I think I've always been depressed and my earliest memories are of just wishing I were dead. As I got older those began to mix with actual thoughts of ending my own life. I've had some periods in my life where things are okay for awhile, but there has always been the wish to die in the back of my mind. I've just never really felt like I belonged and never felt like I had a strong enough connection to life.

 

[Moon Flower]

Pretty much the same thing, even as a kid I told myself I wouldn't be around past 18

 

[Hoarsewithnoname]

Pretty much the same thing, even as a kid I told myself I wouldn't be around past 18

I don't know that I ever set an age for myself but I'm in my 40s now and I definitely feel like this is longer than I ever expected I'd be around. I've known for a long time though that I never wanted to grow "old," although certainly that can be subjective. I'm already experiencing failing health and I don't see any way it's going to get better.

 

[dissolvedgirl]

when I was 11 I was sad as shit due to my grades that were starting to go through a downwards spiral. One time my father had to go to a business meeting in Seattle where he took us with and we saw the Fremont Troll, which is a random sculpture of a guy under a bridge that's famous in Seattle. I walked up the staircases to the bridge where I stayed for a few minutes overlooking the river beneath. I was so close to doing it, it's a shame I didn't.

 

[Moon Flower]

I don't know that I ever set an age for myself but I'm in my 40s now and I definitely feel like this is longer than I ever expected I'd be around. I've known for a long time though that I never wanted to grow "old," although certainly that can be subjective. I'm already experiencing failing health and I don't see any way it's going to get better.

Oh yeah I'm 30 now and have no idea what I'm doing lol. The set age thing didn't work out, but I'm hoping I'll be able to bow out soon

 

[FatalSystemError591]

I remember feeling as young as 6-7 and wishing I didn't exist. I was fucked up as a young kid and it never got better... I'm almost 25.

 

[BlackCatTalk]

I can't remember, but i'm almost i'm front of my ctb and i'm SO excited!

 

[followingfate]

oh yeah, I know it started when I was 11, and I'm 18 now. not a long time, but I can hardly remember ANY of my childhood so. it feels like my whole life. sympathies to those who have dealt with it for so much longer.

 

[Fthis]

I was in 2nd grade ( so 7 or 8)

 

[clownangel]

Younger side of elementary school. Pretty much as soon as I realized there was a word for it, no idea on the exact age because it's definitely been most of my life. I'm sorry that's apparently relatable for a lot of us.

 

[sourpink]

hard same. I found the words for how I had always felt around 7-8.

 

[StringPuppet]

Since a teenager yeah

 

[violetsaturn]

Definitely. If I'm being honest, I can't remember much of my life before the age of 12. I'm assuming my deteriorating memory is depression/anxiety related, at least that's what my psychiatrist thinks. But from what I can remember, I've never been a happy child. I've been pessimistic and angry my whole life. As others on this thread have said, I played the "I'll never make it past __ years old," game. And then I always end up making it lmao.

 

[Amumu]

Same friend. Dysthymia crew

 

[Adamsnolife]

Yes. I have always thought that this was my destiny that I'd eventually die my way. Hopefully it'll be done soon enough

 

[ScaredGirl]

Yeah... I always said I wouldn't let myself live last 16 then 18 then 21.. I turned 21 Christmas day and I really wish my heart would allow me CTB but I really don't ever want to hurt my partner and others I've met here

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

I can understand the want to CTB in adults; experience, trauma, illness, time, life, it can grind you down and more.
But when it starts in young childhood what drives that? Primal human instinct is to survive. That is why I am still here, human nature to keep going even when it goes against my nature to not want to exist. For as long as I can remember I've not wanted to exist, as I got older and I developed a sense of life and death I wanted to die. Now in my 30s, having given life a good try, I still would never choose to live. I keep going to not hurt those I care most about.
When I do CTB I suspect they'll put it down to a crisis even though I have spoke openly since preteens of not wanting to live. Those of us that have felt this way since so young, is it our nature or from a shocking lack of nuture?

 

[ScaredGirl]

I can understand the want to CTB in adults; experience, trauma, illness, time, life, it can grind you down and more.
But when it starts in young childhood what drives that? Primal human instinct is to survive. That is why I am still here, human nature to keep going even when it goes against my nature to not want to exist. For as long as I can remember I've not wanted to exist, as I got older and I developed a sense of life and death I wanted to die. Now in my 30s, having given life a good try, I still would never choose to live. I keep going to not hurt those I care most about.
When I do CTB I suspect they'll put it down to a crisis even though I have spoke openly since preteens of not wanting to live. Those of us that have felt this way since so young, is it our nature or from a shocking lack of nuture?

I was neglected and abused a lot even now so a complete lack of nurture mostly with nature aspects?

 

[muffin222]

Yes. I've wanted to die since I was 11 years old. The thoughts have been recurring since then

I can understand the want to CTB in adults; experience, trauma, illness, time, life, it can grind you down and more.
But when it starts in young childhood what drives that? Primal human instinct is to survive. That is why I am still here, human nature to keep going even when it goes against my nature to not want to exist. For as long as I can remember I've not wanted to exist, as I got older and I developed a sense of life and death I wanted to die. Now in my 30s, having given life a good try, I still would never choose to live. I keep going to not hurt those I care most about.
When I do CTB I suspect they'll put it down to a crisis even though I have spoke openly since preteens of not wanting to live. Those of us that have felt this way since so young, is it our nature or from a shocking lack of nuture?

In my case, a lack of nurture likely contributed most profoundly to my developing suicidal thoughts at a young age. A lack of nurture combined with external life stressors "opened the door" to suicidal ideation at age 11, and I've never been able to fully close it since then.

Failed attachment with caregivers at a young literally alters a child's brain development and can even set the stage for various mental illnesses and poor coping skills later down the track in adulthood, tragically.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

My first suicidal impulses started when I was about 8. That's also when I started doubting my reality and experiencing derealization in response to what, in retrospect, was probably an OCD episode.

I can understand the want to CTB in adults; experience, trauma, illness, time, life, it can grind you down and more. But when it starts in young childhood what drives that? Primal human instinct is to survive. That is why I am still here, human nature to keep going even when it goes against my nature to not want to exist. For as long as I can remember I've not wanted to exist, as I got older and I developed a sense of life and death I wanted to die. Now in my 30s, having given life a good try, I still would never choose to live. I keep going to not hurt those I care most about. When I do CTB I suspect they'll put it down to a crisis even though I have spoke openly since preteens of not wanting to live. Those of us that have felt this way since so young, is it our nature or from a shocking lack of nuture?

Definitely nature in my case. My family is great, I've just always been a perfectionist with an extreme rejection sensitivity.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I think I was quite a young child the first time, but since my teens I've been fighting it far more often, and it's been just a constant bombardment for 2 years now and I'm middle aged.

Nature and nurture, definitely.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

Emotional neglect and multiple adverse childhood events have certainly contributed to the way I feel about living. I don't know if it was my nature in early life, before memory or understanding, but it is certainly my nature now. The trauma and harm in my formative years have led my development to be someone with no desire or want of life.
It's saddening to hear others have lived and are living their lives feeling the same. But also reassuring that it's not just me. No one in my life will let me talk on these feelings which only leave me alone and alienated further fueling my hatred of my existence.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I first started thinking about suicide at about 19, but even before that (early teens) I never really wanted to live to an older age - even before I wanted to end my life.

 

[NodusTollens]

Exactly that, just as you described.

Always on the outside, trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong- better yet, what's wrong with me. Maybe if I try harder, maybe if I change who I am, maybe if I didn't exist- maybe.

 

[Antigonish]

Ever since I was born.
Boorrnnn to Diieeee!!!!
A parody on born to be wild

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Yup, I've felt like this since I was a kid... :/

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I hate that so many of you went through childhood trauma and neglect too. The effects last a lifetime even if sometimes we aren't aware of it.

Consciously became aware of the thought that I could end my life around age 11 or 12, and I wanted nothing more than to die. I started cutting around this time too. Like many of you, I had the, I won't live till age x routine.

First it was I won't live till 15, then it was won't live till 16, then 18, then 20. Now I am 21 and surprise, surprise, I still want to die. The stories of things getting better certainly didn't happen to me.

The antidote for many childhood neglect sufferers seems to be having nurturing and caring relationships in adulthood that over time heal the gaping wound left behind. But society would never let us have that. No, you need to go to therapy, which was utterly useless when your problem is, I have nobody and I need someone to care about me!

 

[Antigonish]

I hate that so many of you went through childhood trauma and neglect too. The effects last a lifetime even if sometimes we aren't aware of it.

Consciously became aware of the thought that I could end my life around age 11 or 12, and I wanted nothing more than to die. I started cutting around this time too. Like many of you, I had the, I won't live till age x routine.

First it was I won't live till 15, then it was won't live till 16, then 18, then 20. Now I am 21 and surprise, surprise, I still want to die. The stories of things getting better certainly didn't happen to me.

The antidote for many childhood neglect sufferers seems to be having nurturing and caring relationships in adulthood that over time heal the gaping wound left behind. But society would never let us have that. No, you need to go to therapy, which was utterly useless when your problem is, I have nobody and I need someone to care about me!

It's kinda funny but not really. Currently I won't live pass 28. And I even have a app called I am sober, to help me try and not cut as often. I enjoy it, but people are starting to notice and are sharing stories of struggles that dont relate. They'll show me a single small barely visible scar and will say something like I understand I've been through the same thing. But they'll never know how it feels to hate your own existence. How it feels to want to erase yourself from history, so you can fade into that nothingness without hurting anyone who might care. I find good people who want to help. But I always eventually wear them down into not caring. They all eventually give up, even when I'm hanging by a thread. Just a little and you can save me, just a little and you'll forsake me. I'm impossible, and this is why I can't be saved. If only I could disappear.

 

[Hoarsewithnoname]

I can understand the want to CTB in adults; experience, trauma, illness, time, life, it can grind you down and more.
But when it starts in young childhood what drives that? Primal human instinct is to survive. That is why I am still here, human nature to keep going even when it goes against my nature to not want to exist. For as long as I can remember I've not wanted to exist, as I got older and I developed a sense of life and death I wanted to die. Now in my 30s, having given life a good try, I still would never choose to live. I keep going to not hurt those I care most about.
When I do CTB I suspect they'll put it down to a crisis even though I have spoke openly since preteens of not wanting to live. Those of us that have felt this way since so young, is it our nature or from a shocking lack of nuture?

In some ways I had a decent childhood - my parents cared, they loved me, I knew they loved me. While I was overlooked in some ways while my parents dealt with my siblings' needs, I would not say I was neglected in the classic sense. I suspect I may have been molested as a toddler or preschooler by one of my teenage brother's friends - zero memory of anything, just certain behaviors that make me wonder about it. So maybe that contributed. But there's also a very strong family history of depression and I think I've truly had it my entire life. I for sure remember cycling through depressive episodes even as young as 7 or 8, although I didn't have the words for what I was going through.

I agree that it's comforting (albeit sad) to hear that others have experienced the same lifelong urge to not exist. I've never told anyone about it but it also fundamentally shapes so much of me. People keep telling me that the hard stuff I'm going through right now will get better, and I'll feel better, and all I can think is, "Maybe it would if I were someone else who hadn't spent my entire life wanting to die. But I'm that person and so no, I don't think anything is ever really going to get better enough that I really feel any sort of desire to make it through this shit JUST so I can live. I don't give a crap about being alive." It doesn't matter if things get better or not because I've never really had a strong desire to be here anyway.

 

[Kbeau]

Same friend. Dysthymia crew

That's my diagnosis....