Kramer
Nervous wreck
- Oct 27, 2020
- 1,399
I have moments where I catch myself and i say, “whoa wtf am I doing?”
Not too much more than when cook and can't remember how many cups of an ingredient I already added. It's a cycle for me, but I'm closer and more calm about CTB with each passing day.
SI. SI and SI. Again and again.
Well, I can't blame you for that happening to you.
It takes... A lot of dedication and will power.
Well, I can't blame you for that happening to you.
It takes... A lot of dedication and will power.
UiopQwerty
Mage
- Dec 17, 2020
- 544
Heh
Every day!
I try something almost every day. I'm getting closer and closer but I will stop when I see
stars or tingeling feeling in my face, lips, arms.
And then I think: -Wtf!?
At the same time I feel stronger and more "released" after my intents with CTB.
But I think in the end I will overcome SI and finally be on the bus...
Sherri
-
- Sep 28, 2020
- 13,801
Sometimes I get moments of 'woah.. you may actually be very mentally unwell' today I'm getting that thought a lot. But I still want to die, don't know how & don't know when but definitely soon.
I hate SI so much!
Centuries of human evolution leading to it.
Breaking through the Pentagon's firewalls would be easier than defeating SI I bet.
My hate for it is just as much!
Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,337
I wouldn't say often, but frequently. I usually think, "My suicide is inevitable." Then, suddenly, I may think, "Wait a minute. You can't kill yourself for God's sake!" Then I think, "My suicide is inevitable." On and on it goes. When you think about it, it's utterly surreal.
Yup, total freaking hurricane. It spins constantly, with no light at the end of the tunnel. Sucks. Big time!
rabbithole
-
- Oct 26, 2020
- 271
Oh absolutely. Some part of my brain wakes up and stops me every time. I need more momentum to go through with it. I want to be dead 98% of the day but my brain remembers the 2% and thinks I should live I guess.
Maka hiamoe
Member
- Dec 10, 2020
- 99
It's very hard, I am conflicted. I feel like I HAVE TO ctb because the alternative seems so much worse. But it's really something I wish I didn't have to do. My survival instinct is the reason I'm still alive. They call it an instinct for a reason, there is nothing particularly rational about it.
voyager
Don't you dare go hollow...
- Nov 25, 2019
- 656
Hehe, yeah. It's a far cry from how my life began, how I envisioned it and the person I used to be . But it's also in these moments that I realise that I didn't choose this fate and no bargaining with reality can undo the underlying circumstances. So, while it's an unfortunate decision forced from a corner it's still a rational one.
Kramer
Nervous wreck
- Oct 27, 2020
- 1,399
Centuries lol more like millions of years since before we were human
I can, with great focus and anger, come close to building up the will.
But as the time nears, emotionally something inside changes. I put it off for another day.
It’s hard. I didn’t realize it was so difficult to kill oneself. Never realized what an insane amount of will it takes.
Always read stories about suicide and didn’t realize what took place. That it was a human dancing on the edge of their biological limits. A human being on fire.
Like hearing someone cutting their arms off without anesthetic over and over again. Their resolve astounds me.
I can only imagine the pain they must’ve been in. Beyond comprehension.
But as the time nears, emotionally something inside changes. I put it off for another day.
It’s hard. I didn’t realize it was so difficult to kill oneself. Never realized what an insane amount of will it takes.
Always read stories about suicide and didn’t realize what took place. That it was a human dancing on the edge of their biological limits. A human being on fire.
Like hearing someone cutting their arms off without anesthetic over and over again. Their resolve astounds me.
I can only imagine the pain they must’ve been in. Beyond comprehension.
it.only.gets.worse
Member
- Jun 15, 2022
- 15
I get this all the time. It's like there's a part of me, either an inner child or just a manifestation of the innate human drive to survive, that is fighting against the rest of my thoughts to keep me safe.
plsimnotokay
I just keep telling myself it’ll be alright
- Jun 6, 2022
- 48
Yes yes yes! Some days I scare myself and ask why am I this way? And then I remember that life is very cruel and it’s not my fault the way I am. And the best thing I can do for myself is to give myself peace which is catching the bus. So with each day I feel less scared.