Anyone else not want to die but have to because your health problems are too debilitating?

[Close_to_freedom]

The treatments haven't worked. Child abuse predisposes a person to lifelong health problems. At 25 my non-psych health problems began. Every year a new one pops up and tortures me. I fucking hate this!!!!!

And some of the people in my adoptive family have the fucking arrogance to call me selfish and a coward for considering this. They think showering me with love is supposed to undo what fucking happened to me before i'd ever met them.

 

[AcornUnderground]

Oh yes. There are quite a few of us. It's such an awful place to be.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

Yeah definitely

 

[Close_to_freedom]

Yeah definitely

Being on disability is a curse. I wish the government offered euthanasia instead.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I'm getting very close to my end and it's making my physical symptoms worse on top of having a near mental breakdown because I really, really don't want to die. Never saw this one coming in life.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Yes, sadly. I started slowly getting over my mental problems, but theres no point in living life unable to go out because everything is so loud Im crying in pain, and having vertigo so bad Im throwing up on myself when I so much as try to move my head, when doctors tell me its in my head (since I have a history of psych ward stays) and refuse to help me.
It doesnt help that I dont have cancer, Im not paraplegic, these are not ilnesses that can be easily seen and make people sympathise, so when I break down crying about being in too much pain to want to be alive Im being called dramatic.

 

[Living sucks]

I'm getting very close to my end and it's making my physical symptoms worse on top of having a near mental breakdown because I really, really don't want to die. Never saw this one coming in life.

It doesnt help that I dont have cancer, Im not paraplegic, these are not ilnesses that can be easily seen and make people sympathise, so when I break down crying about being in too much pain to want to be alive Im being called dramatic.

Yep! That and that!
Trying to take your life when you absolutely do not want to die is horrifying. But when you can't even "fake" a day and every second is torture.. there's no other options.

then throw in having your autonomy and control taken from you because you're deemed unfit to know better (from failed ctb)

 

[AcornUnderground]

Yep! That and that!
Trying to take your life when you absolutely do not want to die is horrifying. But when you can't even "fake" a day and every second is torture.. there's no other options.

then throw in having your autonomy and control taken from you because you're deemed unfit to know better (from failed ctb)

It really is horrifying. Like walking the plank, or being on death row when you did nothing wrong. And the insufferable, intractable pain the whole time with diseases brushed off by everyone. I will be dead in 3 weeks. I am so physically sick and - especially because there are kids involved here - I am emotionally a total disaster. Still, it's not like I have terminal cancer. I am expected to be out of bed, taking care of children, talking to other parents, taking care of my home, making meals, and I am in SO MUCH PAIN I can hardly move. Now the emotional side is getting a grip on me, I really really really don't want to go. I have no idea how I will make it through the next few weeks at all without a total breakdown, a mindmelt, and brought to the hospital.

 

[Fedrea]

Yes, sadly. I started slowly getting over my mental problems, but theres no point in living life unable to go out because everything is so loud Im crying in pain, and having vertigo so bad Im throwing up on myself when I so much as try to move my head, when doctors tell me its in my head (since I have a history of psych ward stays) and refuse to help me.
It doesnt help that I dont have cancer, Im not paraplegic, these are not ilnesses that can be easily seen and make people sympathise, so when I break down crying about being in too much pain to want to be alive Im being called dramatic.

I'm so sorry. Chronic pain is awful

 

[Taraxias]

Yes, sadly. I started slowly getting over my mental problems, but theres no point in living life unable to go out because everything is so loud Im crying in pain, and having vertigo so bad Im throwing up on myself when I so much as try to move my head, when doctors tell me its in my head (since I have a history of psych ward stays) and refuse to help me.
It doesnt help that I dont have cancer, Im not paraplegic, these are not ilnesses that can be easily seen and make people sympathise, so when I break down crying about being in too much pain to want to be alive Im being called dramatic.

Thats exactly me i we add tinnitus and take away the mental illness .i didnt have one back then but now after all this i think i am developing one

 

[Close_to_freedom]

Anyone else have debilitating ibs? I can't even leave the house without worrying i'll shit my pants in public.

 

[Wizard999666]

Yep. I'm afraid of dying and have never been suicidal. I don't love life but there are things that I want to do, projects that I want to work on. I haven't seen and done enough yet.

 

[Red]

The treatments haven't worked. Child abuse predisposes a person to lifelong health problems. At 25 my non-psych health problems began. Every year a new one pops up and tortures me. I fucking hate this!!!!!

And some of the people in my adoptive family have the fucking arrogance to call me selfish and a coward for considering this. They think showering me with love is supposed to undo what fucking happened to me before i'd ever met them.

I stupidly keep clinging to thin threads of hope, as it feels to me that really must be my very last choice, the ultimate solution if absolutely EVERYTHING has failed; I have to feel like I've given it my all before finally giving up...

Living with with debilitating pain and various other disruptive symptoms on a daily basis is complete hell in itself. Add lack of validation from doctors, a complete collapse of most forms of independence (financial, logistical, physical etc), and blatant skepticism from people previously considered as confidantes/loved ones and you're left a wreck, doubting your own gut feelings and hating AAAALLLL the people for not really trying to understand your position in the slightest. The loss of the healthy, active, productive person you once were (or could have been) that must be mourned.

It's a twisted joke that we survive at all, that we be too unwell to function but not unwell enough (ie actually DYING RIGHT THERE) to warrant immediate intervention. Sick enough to make life a chore but well enough to still be here. Sucks.

I'm not here for me anymore, not been here for just me in a very long time. I'm here for other people, because it's apparently selfish of me to check out of a lifetime of pain for the few moments these people deem me fit to exist..? Looking at it logically, it's them selfish for expecting you to live through your pain forever just to make them feel okay!

Invalidating your feelings about something so final as ctb doesn't really sound all that much like love to me..? I'm so sorry that you've had a bad time. If you ever need a friendly ear and/or a vent, my inbox is always open x

 

[KibblesNBits]

Anyone else have debilitating ibs? I can't even leave the house without worrying i'll shit my pants in public.

Right here! Only 30 and my body is already falling apart, has been for years. So no fucking way do I plan to stick around for the next 50 or so.

Yep. I'm afraid of dying and have never been suicidal. I don't love life but there are things that I want to do, projects that I want to work on. I haven't seen and done enough yet.

Damn, I feel this. I have so many things I dreamed of doing but this generic defect of a body means I'll never be able to enjoy life or have any quality of life to speak of. People have been saying for years to me that things will get better but everything keeps getting worse. Fuck this, I want a redo at life.

I stupidly keep clinging to thin threads of hope, as it feels to me that really must be my very last choice, the ultimate solution if absolutely EVERYTHING has failed; I have to feel like I've given it my all before finally giving up...

Living with with debilitating pain and various other disruptive symptoms on a daily basis is complete hell in itself. Add lack of validation from doctors, a complete collapse of most forms of independence (financial, logistical, physical etc), and blatant skepticism from people previously considered as confidantes/loved ones and you're left a wreck, doubting your own gut feelings and hating AAAALLLL the people for not really trying to understand your position in the slightest. The loss of the healthy, active, productive person you once were (or could have been) that must be mourned.

It's a twisted joke that we survive at all, that we be too unwell to function but not unwell enough (ie actually DYING RIGHT THERE) to warrant immediate intervention. Sick enough to make life a chore but well enough to still be here. Sucks.

I'm not here for me anymore, not been here for just me in a very long time. I'm here for other people, because it's apparently selfish of me to check out of a lifetime of pain for the few moments these people deem me fit to exist..? Looking at it logically, it's them selfish for expecting you to live through your pain forever just to make them feel okay!

This. I've seen the quote "suicide doesn't end pain, it just spreads it to everyone else." Yeah, well, it's more humane for several people to distribute the pain than for one person to be burdened with all the suffering, is it not?

 

[stupidmansuit]

Yea, i worked hard to try n create a life, but my body had other plans and completely broke down without explanation

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Same man my mom neglected my torticollis and now i live with sever me plagiocephaly one of the top 10 worst facial deformitys. I wished i could have a normal life but there isnt any treatment so the only option i have is to die or i will suffer the rest of my life its fuckd up

 

[AcornUnderground]

Same man my mom neglected my torticollis and now i live with sever me plagiocephaly one of the top 10 worst facial deformitys. I wished i could have a normal life but there isnt any treatment so the only option i have is to die or i will suffer the rest of my life its fuckd up

I am so sorry. That must torture you knowing it was treatable.

 

[Darksektori]

I have an odd mix of problems, chronic back pain, severe neuropathy(nerve pain) along with a few other ailments, and for some weird reason I was born with the ability to taste colors (synesthesia)
It's definitely not what I would of asked for but I guess everyone deals with pain or condition that makes life unbearable in their own way.

 

[Emily123]

i wouldn't want to die if surgeons didn't botch my body/face in surgeries

 

[Midgardsorm]

People are afraid of heights, afraid of jumping off a plane with a parachute, even scared of terror movies. But when someone says it's considering ctb, they call them "Coward" ....

What a world ...

 

[Torbasco]

I can relate. I have so many mental problems and trauma from an abusive upbringing, and a lot of learning impairments that make functioning in a job an insurmountable challenge. Even paying attention to the things I enjoy is very hard. Starting new things is very difficult with my resistance to change, but familiar things still get old and boring. I know I don't have a future once I can't be a parasite anymore so CTB is pretty much inevitable for me.

 

[oneanonymous]

Yes. If I was healthy, mentally and physically, I wouldn't want to die. Anxiety has ruined me. It's totally made my life unbearable and has caused so many problems. I think my depression is just a natural, rational response to how bad my life has turned out. Lots of mental problems. I've had akathisia for eight months now and I can't take much more. I also get chronic nauseating migraines, partial seizures that have destroyed my memory (I don't get them often anymore though), rheumatoid arthritis, doctor thinks endometriosis but it hasn't been officially diagnosed since they can only tell during surgery, tinnitus, stomach problems, feel generally ill atleast once a day. If I could get rid of this anxiety and akathisia, I could live, even with everything else. But I will never live up to my true potential because of it and I will only keep digging myself further into holes. Money would help a lot too. That would take away a lot of stress that's making everything a thousand times harder, and allow me to delay my death even longer.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I know exactly how you feel. My life is just a never-ending roller coaster of hot shit. I can't even believe how terrible it's been. In a way, I DO want to die, but I have some things that I'm trying to live for, even with the pain... I think euthanasia should be just as readily available as anything else as long as you follow the criteria. I also don't think the rules for it should be just regarding those who are suffering from terminal illnesses.

I hope that you find the peace you seek in whatever way it may be. This forum has always been there for me in my times of despair... xo

 

[RileyTanaka]

I do want to die and I also have multiple chronic illnesses. It's interesting that your family are guilting you into staying by telling you they love you. Mine refuse to believe I'm ill and have blamed me for my life going wrong; it's also a big reason why I want to ctb. I'm scared of what is going to happen next. Everyday is already a living hell...

 

[Deformationalplagio]

I am so sorry. That must torture you knowing it was treatable.

It really does im a prisoner of my body

 

[Paralyzed boy]

I just wanted to chime in lto this conversation. Before I stepped in a workplace accident in December I was full of life and I truly did not know what is meant to be humanized by pain and disability. In fact I was a social worker and I was psueduo treating people with depression. Then I progressively saw my Health slip away after the workplace injury, First I had to give up the gym which didn't seem too bad then I gave up the full function on my right arm and then my left as it progressive got worst. Now I'm just miserable knowing that I could have and I should've stopped further aggravation of my initial injury but I didn't . It's crazy how Human we can become when we lose function and chronic pain and illness strikes us

 

[Meditation guide]

I have rapidly progressing MS along with can't hardly breathe any more if I move. Can't walk. Not sure I would have the strength to do more than pull a trigger if I had a gun. I didn't think I could ever do that but now I definitely could. I mean at my head.

When you hear about people dying or being murdered do you ever envy them for being dead? I do.

 

[KibblesNBits]

I just wanted to chime in lto this conversation. Before I stepped in a workplace accident in December I was full of life and I truly did not know what is meant to be humanized by pain and disability. In fact I was a social worker and I was psueduo treating people with depression. Then I progressively saw my Health slip away after the workplace injury, First I had to give up the gym which didn't seem too bad then I gave up the full function on my right arm and then my left as it progressive got worst. Now I'm just miserable knowing that I could have and I should've stopped further aggravation of my initial injury but I didn't . It's crazy how Human we can become when we lose function and chronic pain and illness strikes us

I feel this so much. It's scary how much we take our health for granted until our own bodies fall apart on us, especially when we're a younger age. Makes me wonder how much these pro lifers would babble on about how "it gets better" if they were struck down by a debilitating condition of their own.

 

[TheRaul95]

Yes

 

[Meditation guide]

I've had to put several of our beloved cats to "sleep" and now I feel for sure I did them a huge favor. They were terribly ill and would not have recovered and were suffering. If only now someone would do the same for me. I saw a video of a lady in Belgium and she was comfortably lying on her sofa with a doctor putting a needle into a vein in her arm. So nice.

When I had an emergency small operation a year ago I remember that wonderful feeling of the anesthetic taking effect and wishing I would never come out of it. I was asking them not to revive me if I was dying and they were looking at me like I was crazy. Such a great feeling to be put under anesthesia, if only I hadn't woken up again.