Discussion Anyone else living a "Double Life?"

[Dawn0071111]

I have already decided I want to CTB. But since I need time to get things in order and the perfect time & resources to execute my plan, I have to try to keep my feelings & thoughts shoved down & go about my routine.... I hate it. Anyone else just burned out on keeping up the front till your bus comes?

 

[DoesANameEvenMatter]

I feel ya. Right now I'm doing first year classes in uni to convince my parents I'm interested in going further. Every day is just acting and faking as if I give a shit about stuff. I'm just waiting for a single day where my parents aren't home for a few hours and then I'll CTb. I can't do it when they sleep cuz they will definitely hear the ratchet crank. Fuck I sure hope that day comes quickly.

 

[Donewith_]

Yes. I always felt that way and i did. Its exhausting to fake things.. all the time..
when i was having hard time.. i am crying, if i notice someone coming, I'll just try to get myself to normal immediately..very few people can notice whats actually going on.

 

[StillWaiting]

I fake it when I am with people I guess.
You cant say things like I dont see myself living in the future at all. It is not like people will understand how suffocated you are now till the point you dont wish tomorrow to come or you are just living day by day

 

[Ness]

I try to avoid people outside of necessary classes to fake planning a future of living because I've noticed every time I talk to people I end up kind of babbling about myself as they talk to me about themselves to kind of connect. And I nearly always embarrass myself (at least I think I do??? I spend days after the conversations thinking about where I went wrong).

But then I feel so damn tired and lonely all the time when I'm on my own and if I hang out with people I know and then we part ways then I'm thrice as exhausted, so avoiding people is my go-to for keeping it all hidden.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I'm also tired of it. It's exhausting putting up that front, I'm trying to bury my feelings down.

 

[Icarus]

Yes, and it's getting harder and harder each day

 

[GoingSoonish]

I can relate. Sometimes it even feels like im living different fake lives for different people.

 

[Ky204]

100%. I've definitely mastered the whole "putting on a different face to hide my morbid thoughts" skill (if you could even call it that).
I do it mostly so I don't have to bother answering the repetitive "are you okay" questions. Even though the dark circles and sickly pale complexion kinda give it away anyway.

 

[blanketyblk]

Yep, my planned CBT date is coming up, it's not set in stone but it's there. but at the moment i still go to work. go to the gym. and I've started doing more social activities like joining a D&D group. also a women's reading circle and playing in a local band. I'm doing these actives to see if i can somehow put some more spark back into my life.. which would mean i can then delay my CBT date. but thus far no..

so yes. i'm living two lives at the moment.

 

[Mort]

Yep me to they a shit load of stuff that i have not told my parents. If i did they more than likely kick me out of the house. Hell a lot of dark stuff locked up in my head can be very hard to keep it under control sum days. Thats why I shovel a lot of pain killers in my self the hi keeps my dark side under control well bit better control.

 

[woxihuanni]

I tell people as much as p

100%. I've definitely mastered the whole "putting on a different face to hide my morbid thoughts" skill (if you could even call it that).
I do it mostly so I don't have to bother answering the repetitive "are you okay" questions. Even though the dark circles and sickly pale complexion kinda give it away anyway.

I'd say that North America is an especially difficult environment. If you don't have a chirpy smile, people won't give you a break. There are societies where it is more acceptable to just fucking not feel like it today.

 

[Futility]

I wish I didn't have to live a double life, it's my dream to be able to lay in a bed with both friends, family and the professional it would take to end it all peacefully.
I could have been open about everything, give each and every one of them my thoughts and share my final moments at peace, without judgement.
Instead I have to do it alone and afraid, full of risks.

I feel it is sadistic to force people to live double lives just to carry out what's best for themselves just because the opinions of others apparently carry more weight than the person making these choices.

 

[Zer0]

I'm a differt person based on each relationship i have, i'm one in family interactions, i'm on in D&D friends interactons and i'm another one in college friendas interactions.
It's like a triple life.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Me. I been lying to myself for 14 years. How can I DESIRE any of this? I'm tired of feeling trapped, miserable, and with these 4 awful life experiences

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I hide how I feel when I am around others, they believe that I am okay. I need to do this as I greatly value my alone time and if they knew they would never leave me alone. It can be tiring, so I spend as much time away from other people as possible.