When I was 18 I tried and failed at a partial suspension. I tried a bunch as a teen. I think about every so often how much better it would've been had I actually managed it.
I wouldn't have ever met my best friend and become the closest I've ever been to someone. They are thoughtful and smart and wise beyond their years and looks up to me like the older sister they never had. And I knew that if I ctb they'd be devastated, and it would leave a hole in them forever, and I just can't fucking bring myself to hurt them that way. I'm not kidding when I say they're like 80% of why I never get so far as attempting anymore, because I don't want to destroy them, even temporarily.
A family member never would've said to me, "you're all I have left of [relative], [they] live on with you." after that relative died when I was 20.
And my pet would be in a much better home, with someone more diligent in taking care of her. Someone who does more than just feed her and give her water. Someone who gives her all the play and stimulation and exercise she needs. I took her in and kept her despite my wicked incompetence because I'm inherently selfish and can't make good decisions.
I also never would've met my current SO, who loves me even though I know he deserves so much fucking better. The way I've just been ruined for my entire life is dragging him down and hurting him. I have so much pain inside me and his kindness and generosity and love for me is poisoning him. I'm no good. He deserves someone who can be an equal partner. Someone who can actually clean and help pay bills and has ambition and stability and doesn't dissociate any time they're within 25 miles of the city he wants to live in. I'm just making him miserable and I hate myself for it. But I can't leave because I'm too broken as a person to make it on my own, and I can't ctb because of worthlessness and all of the above and just FUCK.
If I'd actually managed to ctb at 18, none of it would be true. I'd have been import to no one. The only 2 people who would've been upset back then don't talk to me anymore anyway; they would've been over it in a couple years. I would've MAYBE gotten a moment of silence at school. My parents would've used the opportunity to get some sympathy, lie about how they tried their best (they sure did try everything outside of trying to stop beating me or screaming at me any chance they got, I was diagnosed with PTSD as an adult) and that would've been it. I would be in the ground, a burnout kid who slipped through the cracks.
Now I'm just a burnt out adult who can't keep a fucking job, hurts every single motherfucker around her, can't handle any kind of responsibility, goes and hides in a little fucking fantasy world all day, mooches off everyone else and is worthless by any societal measure we have. I don't deserve the wonderful people in my life, I deserved to die as a teenager before I could take the posion inside of me and let it fester everywhere. I hate myself for giving up when the belt broke, and I hate myself for manipulating people around me into liking me. Fuck, guys, I'm just so done.
I wouldn't have ever met my best friend and become the closest I've ever been to someone. They are thoughtful and smart and wise beyond their years and looks up to me like the older sister they never had. And I knew that if I ctb they'd be devastated, and it would leave a hole in them forever, and I just can't fucking bring myself to hurt them that way. I'm not kidding when I say they're like 80% of why I never get so far as attempting anymore, because I don't want to destroy them, even temporarily.
A family member never would've said to me, "you're all I have left of [relative], [they] live on with you." after that relative died when I was 20.
And my pet would be in a much better home, with someone more diligent in taking care of her. Someone who does more than just feed her and give her water. Someone who gives her all the play and stimulation and exercise she needs. I took her in and kept her despite my wicked incompetence because I'm inherently selfish and can't make good decisions.
I also never would've met my current SO, who loves me even though I know he deserves so much fucking better. The way I've just been ruined for my entire life is dragging him down and hurting him. I have so much pain inside me and his kindness and generosity and love for me is poisoning him. I'm no good. He deserves someone who can be an equal partner. Someone who can actually clean and help pay bills and has ambition and stability and doesn't dissociate any time they're within 25 miles of the city he wants to live in. I'm just making him miserable and I hate myself for it. But I can't leave because I'm too broken as a person to make it on my own, and I can't ctb because of worthlessness and all of the above and just FUCK.
If I'd actually managed to ctb at 18, none of it would be true. I'd have been import to no one. The only 2 people who would've been upset back then don't talk to me anymore anyway; they would've been over it in a couple years. I would've MAYBE gotten a moment of silence at school. My parents would've used the opportunity to get some sympathy, lie about how they tried their best (they sure did try everything outside of trying to stop beating me or screaming at me any chance they got, I was diagnosed with PTSD as an adult) and that would've been it. I would be in the ground, a burnout kid who slipped through the cracks.
Now I'm just a burnt out adult who can't keep a fucking job, hurts every single motherfucker around her, can't handle any kind of responsibility, goes and hides in a little fucking fantasy world all day, mooches off everyone else and is worthless by any societal measure we have. I don't deserve the wonderful people in my life, I deserved to die as a teenager before I could take the posion inside of me and let it fester everywhere. I hate myself for giving up when the belt broke, and I hate myself for manipulating people around me into liking me. Fuck, guys, I'm just so done.
