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blightoftheavenues

Member
Sep 18, 2023
13
like the title says, i can't help but feel like i'm just cursed to fail every time ive tried to ctb, which granted some of which (emphasis on "some") were only half-hearted attempts, but it still doesn't change the fact that there were many of which that by all means should have succeeded but somehow just... didn't.
i just can't help but feel like i'm an absolute and utter failure for it, and i just can't comprehend what it is that either makes me so "sturdy" (for lack of a better word), or so "weak" compared to those that manage to succeed.

recently, i've mostly been keen on OD attempts, as they seem calmer than other methods, but somehow still woken up from IV fent & benzo combos (on multiple occasions too, doubling dosages after a 2 week tolerance break), SN in 1.5x recomended dose (without even any vomiting involved), and lithium poisoning (in conjunction with alcohol as a potentiator, and trazadone to knock me out for it)

not attempts to ctb, but I've also somehow survived my cabin burning down in the middle of the night on a remote island in alaska, falling off a boat, drunk, at night, in 40°f water, in 15 foot swells, and being hit by a 40mph+ car, not one, not twice, but 3 seperate occasions (used to longboard in a busy city back in the day).

it just feels like some cruel god has given me immortality knowing that it would drive me insane or something, like, am i alone in feeling this way? or do others have similar feelings about their own lives too?
 
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iloveeetreeeess1

iloveeetreeeess1

Member
Sep 18, 2023
25
my first CTB attempt was when I was 10, ever since then I've had 9 attempts to which they have all failed. No one really prepares you for the guilt after, or the accepting of having to live another day. I mean what do you do? Do you just pretend nothing happened and go make dinner. For years i felt the same way, like I was being watched and saved every single time. It extremely disheartening knowing that my attempts at peace and freedom each time are somehow intercepted. You are most definitely not alone with this, and I hope by sharing my story you feel less alone and heard.
 
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aiki__0

aiki__0

Member
Sep 18, 2023
60
like the title says, i can't help but feel like i'm just cursed to fail every time ive tried to ctb, which granted some of which (emphasis on "some") were only half-hearted attempts, but it still doesn't change the fact that there were many of which that by all means should have succeeded but somehow just... didn't.
i just can't help but feel like i'm an absolute and utter failure for it, and i just can't comprehend what it is that either makes me so "sturdy" (for lack of a better word), or so "weak" compared to those that manage to succeed.

recently, i've mostly been keen on OD attempts, as they seem calmer than other methods, but somehow still woken up from IV fent & benzo combos (on multiple occasions too, doubling dosages after a 2 week tolerance break), SN in 1.5x recomended dose (without even any vomiting involved), and lithium poisoning (in conjunction with alcohol as a potentiator, and trazadone to knock me out for it)

not attempts to ctb, but I've also somehow survived my cabin burning down in the middle of the night on a remote island in alaska, falling off a boat, drunk, at night, in 40°f water, in 15 foot swells, and being hit by a 40mph+ car, not one, not twice, but 3 seperate occasions (used to longboard in a busy city back in the day).

it just feels like some cruel god has given me immortality knowing that it would drive me insane or something, like, am i alone in feeling this way? or do others have similar feelings about their own lives too?
Seriously feel the same way and it's also pretty embarrassing lol
Most of my attempts are ODing cause I don't have access to guns or hard drugs, what are you supposed to do after an attempt? I remember ODing the night before my exams and waking up and having to sit in an exam hall for 2 hours trying not to pass out. I've also been hit by a car before and had quite a heavy fall. It feels like God himself is punishing me by making me immortal
 
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Brown-Jacket Revy

Brown-Jacket Revy

Waste
Jul 10, 2023
175
not attempts to ctb, but I've also somehow survived my cabin burning down in the middle of the night on a remote island in alaska, falling off a boat, drunk, at night, in 40°f water, in 15 foot swells, and being hit by a 40mph+ car, not one, not twice, but 3 seperate occasions (used to longboard in a busy city back in the day).
Goddamn!

That's insane.

Have you tried playing the lottery???
 
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AshClouds

AshClouds

In time I started growing inward.
Apr 10, 2023
304
Overdosing on meds isn't very effective, I don't have the number off hand but its a low success rate, like 3%.
 
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John Ryder

John Ryder

"You're a smart kid...you'll figure it out."
Jul 7, 2023
334
How in the sweet fuck does fent IV not do you in
 
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blightoftheavenues

Member
Sep 18, 2023
13
Goddamn!

That's insane.

Have you tried playing the lottery???
i used to buy scratchers whenever I'd wind up in nevada or wyoming (currently in utah), but literally have never won a single cent, so i guess im just unlucky lmao

Overdosing on meds isn't very effective, I don't have the number off hand but its a low success rate, like 3%.

i know that now, lol, but in my defense, i read about lithium in the pph; the rest of my attempts were with either fentanyl & xanax, else sodium nitrite, and still ended with just about the same effect
How in the sweet fuck does fent IV not do you in
like, i genuinely don't understand it. granted, only thing we have on the streets around here are blues (the "dirty 30s"; some unknown fentanyl anologue that hits like a freight train), so maybe they had hotspots and i somehow got less potent ones in my couple attempts, or i destroyed some of the active chemical when trying to dissolve it into water, idk, but either way, i just kinda woke up each occasion somewhere between 3 and 20 hours later.
 
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DeathSleep

DeathSleep

Unstable Potato
May 25, 2023
158
I have been unlucky in trying to kill myself as well... obviously since I'm still here. I don't know how some people die so easily either intentionally or accidentally. It's such a challenge. I feel like I can't die. Like the universe isn't done making me suffer.
 
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