purplemoon
I Have the Light Inside, Surrounded by Darkness
- Sep 22, 2019
- 394
Who else here has survived violence / domestic abuse / sexual assaults and has PTSD?
My mother told me the abuse started when I was a baby, my father often slapped my face so hard that she said one time it had part of his handprints on my cheek, he also punched me when I was a baby, toddler, child, teenager, and as an adult throughout my life. He also choked me when I was about 23 years old because I asked him if we could please wait 20 minutes for the rain to get better Instead of moving boxes on a slippery sidewalk. I also had too many men assault me, stalk me, and my ex fiancé broke into my apartment, held me hostage for 2 days at knife point, and told me he was going to kill me and then himself. He also was angry that I escaped him after I finally couldn't take any more abuse, and he told me before i left him that he killed nine people (i also found dried blood on his t-shirt i saw in the trash along with a knife he tried to throw away hidden in a plastic container). He was literally a serial killer. I finally just told him to go ahead, and then he completely broke down crying, I told him I'd rather be dead anyway and that he doesn't love me, he only loves his own needs. I told him with monsters like him in the world,
it's just proving my entire point, that he is an evil monster and this cruel world is not where I want to be. He left telling me I was right, he said he hated himself for ever hurting me.
( I guess it's true what my best friend told me, that I make people face themselves like in a mirror. They have no choice but to reflect on the truth of who they are)
There are more instances than those but those are the two most damaging.
My entire nervous system is exhausted over a lifetime.
i'm constantly monitoring my environment, assessing every person around me, trying to read who and what they are on the inside, who is decent and safe, who is potentially a threat, and constantly vigilant. I no longer believe the brainwashed assumption that people with PTSD are too worried; I think we're just realizing that security is an illusion and we see the REALITY that many people cannot face or handle.
This is certainly not a wonderful World with kindness and goodness in it... the reality is...
Goodness
is in fact a rare treasure, & more than half of the population of human beings, given the opportunity, will become predatory and selfish to varying degrees.
Anyone else here who can relate to that?
My mother told me the abuse started when I was a baby, my father often slapped my face so hard that she said one time it had part of his handprints on my cheek, he also punched me when I was a baby, toddler, child, teenager, and as an adult throughout my life. He also choked me when I was about 23 years old because I asked him if we could please wait 20 minutes for the rain to get better Instead of moving boxes on a slippery sidewalk. I also had too many men assault me, stalk me, and my ex fiancé broke into my apartment, held me hostage for 2 days at knife point, and told me he was going to kill me and then himself. He also was angry that I escaped him after I finally couldn't take any more abuse, and he told me before i left him that he killed nine people (i also found dried blood on his t-shirt i saw in the trash along with a knife he tried to throw away hidden in a plastic container). He was literally a serial killer. I finally just told him to go ahead, and then he completely broke down crying, I told him I'd rather be dead anyway and that he doesn't love me, he only loves his own needs. I told him with monsters like him in the world,
it's just proving my entire point, that he is an evil monster and this cruel world is not where I want to be. He left telling me I was right, he said he hated himself for ever hurting me.
( I guess it's true what my best friend told me, that I make people face themselves like in a mirror. They have no choice but to reflect on the truth of who they are)
There are more instances than those but those are the two most damaging.
My entire nervous system is exhausted over a lifetime.
i'm constantly monitoring my environment, assessing every person around me, trying to read who and what they are on the inside, who is decent and safe, who is potentially a threat, and constantly vigilant. I no longer believe the brainwashed assumption that people with PTSD are too worried; I think we're just realizing that security is an illusion and we see the REALITY that many people cannot face or handle.
This is certainly not a wonderful World with kindness and goodness in it... the reality is...
Goodness
is in fact a rare treasure, & more than half of the population of human beings, given the opportunity, will become predatory and selfish to varying degrees. Anyone else here who can relate to that?
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