Anyone else here with BPD?

[veinofether]

I fucking despise this disease.

It's like the devil and angel on each shoulder.

Except, the devil violently murdered and cannibalised the angel, then decided to crawl inside my ear and live in my brain, whispering, talking, shouting constantly.

Every little thing gets twisted. I gaslight myself. I can't trust myself. Because I don't really know anymore where I end and the BPD begins. Sometimes I don't feel like there is an 'I' left at all. That devil crawled inside and grew, and grew, and GREW, until I couldn't hold it off and it swallowed me up. Now it controls me

It tells me not to trust my partner, that they don't love me. It tells me that I'm fat and ugly and pathetic and useless and everyone including my partner secretly hates me. And I KNOW it's the disease speaking, not me. But that knowledge starts losing it's helpfulness when the thoughts are so cruel, persistent, inescapable.

The worst part is that I had a pretty good hold on it, or at least I thought, for a while. But multiple factors have exacerbated it lately to the point I don't remember suffering this much.

Any fellow borderlines around here? What helps you stop being a jealous, paranoid misery? Yes, therapy and/or medication is a given but I can't access this right now..

 

[Regen]

I hate to say it, but yes, I have borderline personality disorder.

When I was diagnosed at 17, I somehow thought it was cool for a few years and found myself in it. Then came the years in which I fought hard against the symptoms and built a new, healthier, more normal life for myself. That worked pretty well outside. I no longer met the official criteria and I began to reject Borderline. I never got along well with other borderliners anyway and now I completely distanced myself from them.

For several years now, however, I have had to painfully realize that my inner personality still bears some of the decisive traits of this and that my behavior in friendships and in contact with people is also influenced by it. It's a burden. I then tried to ignore it for a long time. Right now I think I should practice radical acceptance so I can learn to love myself more as the person I really am and not always run after the dream version of myself.

What has helped me in the last few months is that I always notice when my inner critic is active. Then I'm kind of happy because I finally caught him. Because for decades I didn't even notice that it existed because it was there so naturally and constantly. I tried to visualize him a little and get in touch with him. It's also very interesting that I can identify many of his beliefs as those of my mother and father.

Mindfulness and recovery videos on YouTube also help me, while my head is busy with it, it doesn't have time to worry about stupid thoughts...

 

[veinofether]

I hate to say it, but yes, I have borderline personality disorder.

When I was diagnosed at 17, I somehow thought it was cool for a few years and found myself in it. Then came the years in which I fought hard against the symptoms and built a new, healthier, more normal life for myself. That worked pretty well outside. I no longer met the official criteria and I began to reject Borderline. I never got along well with other borderliners anyway and now I completely distanced myself from them.

For several years now, however, I have had to painfully realize that my inner personality still bears some of the decisive traits of this and that my behavior in friendships and in contact with people is also influenced by it. It's a burden. I then tried to ignore it for a long time. Right now I think I should practice radical acceptance so I can learn to love myself more as the person I really am and not always run after the dream version of myself.

What has helped me in the last few months is that I always notice when my inner critic is active. Then I'm kind of happy because I finally caught him. Because for decades I didn't even notice that it existed because it was there so naturally and constantly. I tried to visualize him a little and get in touch with him. It's also very interesting that I can identify many of his beliefs as those of my mother and father.

Mindfulness and recovery videos on YouTube also help me, while my head is busy with it, it doesn't have time to worry about stupid thoughts...

Wow I could have written some of this, you put it perfectly. I was diagnosed at a similar age (19) and know just what you mean about almost identifying with it. It's such a double-edged sword having this diagnosis because it's so easy to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and self-sabotage completely.

I should really get back into mindfulness videos. I found Zen Buddhism to be a sort of salvation at my darker points in the past (recommend Plum Village, particularly Thich Nhat Hanh's talks to anyone interested, he's on YouTube and Plum Village has a Spotify podcast.) I do try to be very vigilant with noticing unhelpful/toxic thoughts, and not only noticing, but then fighting the urge to hate myself for those thoughts and instead just observing and letting it pass.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I fucking despise this disease.

It's like the devil and angel on each shoulder.

Except, the devil violently murdered and cannibalised the angel, then decided to crawl inside my ear and live in my brain, whispering, talking, shouting constantly.

Every little thing gets twisted. I gaslight myself. I can't trust myself. Because I don't really know anymore where I end and the BPD begins. Sometimes I don't feel like there is an 'I' left at all. That devil crawled inside and grew, and grew, and GREW, until I couldn't hold it off and it swallowed me up. Now it controls me

It tells me not to trust my partner, that they don't love me. It tells me that I'm fat and ugly and pathetic and useless and everyone including my partner secretly hates me. And I KNOW it's the disease speaking, not me. But that knowledge starts losing it's helpfulness when the thoughts are so cruel, persistent, inescapable.

The worst part is that I had a pretty good hold on it, or at least I thought, for a while. But multiple factors have exacerbated it lately to the point I don't remember suffering this much.

Any fellow borderlines around here? What helps you stop being a jealous, paranoid misery? Yes, therapy and/or medication is a given but I can't access this right now..

Omg I feel exactly the same! Devil/angle, been taking over and there's no I left! It's horrible, every day is unbearable to me. Therapy only made me question more about my identity and made me so much more aware of my problems. Only thing I can think of all day and night is ctb. I'm afraid we're doomed my friend

 

[veinofether]

Omg I feel exactly the same! Devil/angle, been taking over and there's no I left! It's horrible, every day is unbearable to me. Therapy only made me question more about my identity and made me so much more aware of my problems. Only thing I can think of all day and night is ctb. I'm afraid we're doomed my friend

Honestly, I have attempted before and am passively suicidal right now but I try to be stoic and think of my loved ones and the impact of previous suicides in my family and the fact that one day I will get my rest, just maybe not as soon as I want..

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

Honestly, I have attempted before and am passively suicidal right now but I try to be stoic and think of my loved ones and the impact of previous suicides in my family and the fact that one day I will get my rest, just maybe not as soon as I want..

I've attempted too, but have also become passively suicidal lately. I don't want to be stuck in this life for so many more years to go though.

 

[coolgal82]

i have had like some friends say i should look into it and a bunch of random internet strangers but honestly idfk anymore i constantly switch bvetween "it could be that" and "no its just autism+adhd" and "bro idfk who i am anymore" lmao sorry if this doesnt make sense im extremelty drunk i've tried seeing medical people to like figure out the truth but they have been ignoring me so far they said they contact me in a week or so but that was like a month ago

 

[Kyotospade]

Yeah , bpd is the absolute worse. I constantly burn bridges with people so I don't hurt them both figuratively and literally...

 

[leloyon]

Yep. Here it's EuPD, emotionally unstable personality disorder. I've found the effects it has on my relationships (splitting/idealisation and devaluation) are the most noteworthy symptoms, so I guess I'll talk about that.
It just feels so tiresome. Especially when I can see how fucked up I am, yet I can't control it. Yeah, sure, the people I know don't have all the time in the world for me. Maybe they just are busy right now, they probably didn't see the message yet. But I can't help it. It feels like they're all I have, they're the only person who cares about me. And them not talking to me, as the one person who actually cares about me, hurts. It hurts more than anything, feeling the silence drag on. And then it becomes, why? Why are they making me feel this way? I thought they cared about me. All I've done is care about them, try to be as good to them as can be, and they hurt me so badly. Which then becomes it being intentional, which then becomes that they never cared if they're willing to hurt me like this, which then becomes that they were always just out to hurt me. And then they talk to me and I inevitably end up falling again, thinking that they're the one. That we are the only ones who understand each other, the only ones there for each other. I tend to project my loneliness onto others. I have no one in my life, so if I connect to someone so deeply, and they're so willing to give me the time of the day, then they must be as alone as I am, right? Hell, that's how it happens, half the time. I see them talking to other people. Maybe they haven't responded to what I've sent them, sometimes they have and it just doesn't matter. But that shatters the illusion. Why are they talking to other people instead of me? I only have them. They weren't like me, they have other people in their life, they were never like me. They're just a liar. (I lied to myself).
It feels like sometimes, I can see this happening. I can walk into it fully aware. I can recognise, rationally, what's going on. But the emotions are just so overwhelming. Even if I try to think rationally, it doesn't make a dent on my emotions, until the emotions just drown it out altogether.

I gaslight myself. I can't trust myself. Because I don't really know anymore where I end and the BPD begins. Sometimes I don't feel like there is an 'I' left at all.

I get this a lot, though not just BPD. Honestly, I've had so much wrong with me for so long that I don't even know if there is a me that exists. If I suddenly managed to cure all my disorders, would there be anything left? The only personality traits I can list about myself are just symptoms.

 

[iset]

I got this diagnosis long ago but then it was changed to complexe PTSD.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Yes I have BPD. I think a lot of SaSu members do. I was only diagnosed last year even tho I'm in my 60s. I hate it in every way. The stigma, even from MH counsellors. The judgement from people who don't understand (and family who can't be bothered to find out, not even willing to watch a short Instagram reel). The pain that strikes every evening without fail and the pain of knowing it's going to strike. The bridges burned, sometimes with really good caring people who were only trying to help. The constant need for grounding so much that I loathe even the word. The fp thing which in my case is never romantic, but wholly inappropriate and impossible.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I got this diagnosis long ago but then it was changed to complexe PTSD.

You can have both. I do

 

[softgirlluna]

I got diagnosed at 19 and am no better 3 years later. I am my own worst enemy in every way. It's like a dice rolls every 10 mins in my head to determine my self worth for the next 10 mins. I am on top of the world and loving myself one moment then the next I genuinely believe I am worse than Hilter.

 

[ebg]

I have received the diagnosis when I was in the hospital for suicide attempt but my therapist doesn't want me to have that diagnosis because it's more difficult to get admitted to a hospital if people say you are suicidal (also the stigma that comes with it). I feel like it's difficult to not rely on external validation and to know what applies to you/what doesn't. I don't like the terms "bad"/"good" people. I also often have an urge to punch myself or stab myself when I feel stressed. When it comes to my identity, I just feel dumbfounded in terms of how to "define" myself (maybe I overthink it). Although I'd say that I don't really have self-hatred thoughts pointed at me in particular, but rather just the belief that the only solution is the elimination of everyone. Some of my goals are to be able to handle my emotions without validation from as well as develop a sense of self that doesn't rely solely on external validation without feeling stuck or lost. When I think back to when I wasn't on 200mg Zoloft, I do think that having fluctuating emotional highs/lows makes it very easy for others to take advantage of you, because I find that this gives you the belief that you can't trust yourself and so you downplay your values or just overall have no boundaries.

 

[CacklingZombie]

I realized a few years in that I am married to a BPD. It's overwhelming. Contentious. Volatile. It's been the worst experience of my life, and I have gone thru some *shit*

Wish I could unwind time and undo the marriage. Doing so now involves going face to face with what will undoubtedly be a public smear campaign of me by her just to try to control the narrative. An abuser who goes on the offensive for hours, and then incredibly cries victim when the one punch back catches her square in the jaw of her inner person. This cycles every 2-3 weeks for years. Baseless accusations. Emotional trauma dumping. Making me responsible for how she feels and then lighting me up when I don't or when I miss the mark. And on and on. WTFFFFF

 

[pulse1]

I also have BPD, and I can attest to how hard it can get sometimes, especially trying to be my 'normal' self for my relationship. Before I learned I had BPD, it was an extremely confusing and painful time for me, because negative feelings like anger and sadness would in a way take over my entire body and I felt the emotions physiologically. That is to say, the anger that I didn't let out would sit in my chest like a burning ball and I felt it like a tumour trying to break my ribcage.

What has helped me a lot with my symptoms when I'm having an 'episode' is taking 10 seconds without talking, looking, hearing or touching anything. I kind of stand aimlessly in the middle of the room and silence my phone or send my partner out of the room, and just count to 10 and somehow the massive boiling ball in my chest dissipates ever so slightly. When that small decrease happens, I start feeling better little by little because I become aware of my reaction and the intensity of the emotions in my chest. It's like riding a massive wave, and knowing the only way left is down to the surface. It takes sometimes days, hours, or minutes before the full feeling is gone, but the most intense moment/the climax passes without me hurting my partner when I can manage this.

 

[NoFancyNames]

I

I fucking despise this disease.

It's like the devil and angel on each shoulder.

Except, the devil violently murdered and cannibalised the angel, then decided to crawl inside my ear and live in my brain, whispering, talking, shouting constantly.

Every little thing gets twisted. I gaslight myself. I can't trust myself. Because I don't really know anymore where I end and the BPD begins. Sometimes I don't feel like there is an 'I' left at all. That devil crawled inside and grew, and grew, and GREW, until I couldn't hold it off and it swallowed me up. Now it controls me

It tells me not to trust my partner, that they don't love me. It tells me that I'm fat and ugly and pathetic and useless and everyone including my partner secretly hates me. And I KNOW it's the disease speaking, not me. But that knowledge starts losing it's helpfulness when the thoughts are so cruel, persistent, inescapable.

The worst part is that I had a pretty good hold on it, or at least I thought, for a while. But multiple factors have exacerbated it lately to the point I don't remember suffering this much.

Any fellow borderlines around here? What helps you stop being a jealous, paranoid misery? Yes, therapy and/or medication is a given but I can't access this right now..

I don't think I have BPD but everything you've described is exactly what I'm struggling with and it's a nightmare. It's so hard to snap back to reality and beliving in good things again.

I also have BPD, and I can attest to how hard it can get sometimes, especially trying to be my 'normal' self for my relationship. Before I learned I had BPD, it was an extremely confusing and painful time for me, because negative feelings like anger and sadness would in a way take over my entire body and I felt the emotions physiologically. That is to say, the anger that I didn't let out would sit in my chest like a burning ball and I felt it like a tumour trying to break my ribcage.

What has helped me a lot with my symptoms when I'm having an 'episode' is taking 10 seconds without talking, looking, hearing or touching anything. I kind of stand aimlessly in the middle of the room and silence my phone or send my partner out of the room, and just count to 10 and somehow the massive boiling ball in my chest dissipates ever so slightly. When that small decrease happens, I start feeling better little by little because I become aware of my reaction and the intensity of the emotions in my chest. It's like riding a massive wave, and knowing the only way left is down to the surface. It takes sometimes days, hours, or minutes before the full feeling is gone, but the most intense moment/the climax passes without me hurting my partner when I can manage this.

This is really helpful. I've got ptsd and not bpd but what you wrote is relatable. I will try this method.

How do you ride out the rest of the feeling? I've got pretty good self control of any acute immediate reactions but if I hit irrational thinking deeply I started watching my partners every move and completely don't trust him and it can take ages to snap out of that. Then I try to get him to somehow reassure me but nothing is good enough so I end up putting strain on our relation and hurting his feelings and he shuts down.

 

[veinofether]

I realized a few years in that I am married to a BPD. It's overwhelming. Contentious. Volatile. It's been the worst experience of my life, and I have gone thru some *shit*

Wish I could unwind time and undo the marriage. Doing so now involves going face to face with what will undoubtedly be a public smear campaign of me by her just to try to control the narrative. An abuser who goes on the offensive for hours, and then incredibly cries victim when the one punch back catches her square in the jaw of her inner person. This cycles every 2-3 weeks for years. Baseless accusations. Emotional trauma dumping. Making me responsible for how she feels and then lighting me up when I don't or when I miss the mark. And on and on. WTFFFFF

Is your wife diagnosed with BPD? There are lots of things that cause toxic behaviour and it doesn't necessarily mean she has BPD. I wish you all the best and am sorry for you situation but there are plenty of spaces for loved ones of pwBPD if she is diagnosed and you need support. Otherwise I would think carefully about playing pyschologist.

I started this thread with the intention of connecting with other people that are diagnosed like me, not to read about someone complaining about how toxic we are which already happens every time one of us speaks out literally anywhere else on the internet. I get it. Lots of us with BPD were traumatised by BPD parents ourselves. But maybe read the room.

 

[pulse1]

This is really helpful. I've got ptsd and not bpd but what you wrote is relatable. I will try this method.

How do you ride out the rest of the feeling? I've got pretty good self control of any acute immediate reactions but if I hit irrational thinking deeply I started watching my partners every move and completely don't trust him and it can take ages to snap out of that. Then I try to get him to somehow reassure me but nothing is good enough so I end up putting strain on our relation and hurting his feelings and he shuts down.

What I've noticed with my own behaviour is that I begin seeking out a reaction when I'm going through an episode: for example, I get into irrational thought spirals about my partner lying about loving me or planning on abusing me even though he has shown no signs of it, nor do I have any real arguments as to why he would. Then I want a reaction out of him that is as intense as mine. If he acts all logical and tries to reassure me, it doesn't help at all because no logical argument can defeat my illogical feelings: facts are cold, my feelings are burning hot. Then it makes me feel like he's not taking my pain or anger seriously and it makes me feel the negative things even more intensely, which ramps up the issue more and more. That's why during the first 2 years of our relationship, it felt like no argument ever got 'solved' completely. We would make up after my feelings relaxed, but a few days later the same thing would happen all over again, making not only me devastated but also him extremely exhausted. When such emotional outbursts happen over and over again he kept getting more desensitized and that made our arguments even more intense because I felt like my feelings were being met with a wall of indifference.

That's why it's important to hit the top of the wave (the climax) then amp it down, not up. More 'deep' and 'understanding' conversations with my partner is always risky of amping up the wave again because they might hit a wrong nerve by saying the wrong thing or even using a wrong word. That's why the 10 second isolation is first to get back into my own body, and afterwards I try to keep staying in it. During episodes it can feel like my body and voice is controlled by some 'other'-me, so when I realize that my actions and movements are all under my control it truly gives a moment of realization that this is reality. I don't know if it will work for you, but me and my partner come together after the 10 seconds and just silently look at things that relax me, for example funny cat reels on Instagram. The silly nature of such things makes me feel like my serious and terrible feelings seem silly in retrospect and helps me put them to the side even just for a moment longer. Focusing on those types of silly and easy dopamine bursts helps take my mind off of the illogical thoughts further, and we don't discuss anything about the argument for a while. If you find trouble being in the same room, then you can also send cat reels from another room haha. Sometimes it can take hours or an entire night before I fully come back to my senses and apologize for saying something demeaning to him or being distrusting towards him, but earnest communication at that point is so much easier after the wave has gone. It can be super tiring for partners of people like me to have to deal with such things every few days or even (at truly bad times) every day for weeks, since they're human as well.. and there's so much guilt in knowing that but still being unable to stop oneself when the wave comes again. In the end acknowledging how these things make them feel as well during safe times can really make a difference for the relationship.. I truly hope the best for you and your partner, we need to stay strong!

 

[NoFancyNames]

What I've noticed with my own behaviour is that I begin seeking out a reaction when I'm going through an episode: for example, I get into irrational thought spirals about my partner lying about loving me or planning on abusing me even though he has shown no signs of it, nor do I have any real arguments as to why he would. Then I want a reaction out of him that is as intense as mine. If he acts all logical and tries to reassure me, it doesn't help at all because no logical argument can defeat my illogical feelings: facts are cold, my feelings are burning hot. Then it makes me feel like he's not taking my pain or anger seriously and it makes me feel the negative things even more intensely, which ramps up the issue more and more. That's why during the first 2 years of our relationship, it felt like no argument ever got 'solved' completely. We would make up after my feelings relaxed, but a few days later the same thing would happen all over again, making not only me devastated but also him extremely exhausted. When such emotional outbursts happen over and over again he kept getting more desensitized and that made our arguments even more intense because I felt like my feelings were being met with a wall of indifference.

That's why it's important to hit the top of the wave (the climax) then amp it down, not up. More 'deep' and 'understanding' conversations with my partner is always risky of amping up the wave again because they might hit a wrong nerve by saying the wrong thing or even using a wrong word. That's why the 10 second isolation is first to get back into my own body, and afterwards I try to keep staying in it. During episodes it can feel like my body and voice is controlled by some 'other'-me, so when I realize that my actions and movements are all under my control it truly gives a moment of realization that this is reality. I don't know if it will work for you, but me and my partner come together after the 10 seconds and just silently look at things that relax me, for example funny cat reels on Instagram. The silly nature of such things makes me feel like my serious and terrible feelings seem silly in retrospect and helps me put them to the side even just for a moment longer. Focusing on those types of silly and easy dopamine bursts helps take my mind off of the illogical thoughts further, and we don't discuss anything about the argument for a while. If you find trouble being in the same room, then you can also send cat reels from another room haha. Sometimes it can take hours or an entire night before I fully come back to my senses and apologize for saying something demeaning to him or being distrusting towards him, but earnest communication at that point is so much easier after the wave has gone. It can be super tiring for partners of people like me to have to deal with such things every few days or even (at truly bad times) every day for weeks, since they're human as well.. and there's so much guilt in knowing that but still being unable to stop oneself when the wave comes again. In the end acknowledging how these things make them feel as well during safe times can really make a difference for the relationship.. I truly hope the best for you and your partner, we need to stay strong!

Thank you!

The feelings you're describing are so close to mine and I often feel like I'm watching myself loose my mind but there is nothing I can do to control it.
When I'm in this state no reasoning works and yeah I think I also get triggered by honest and deep conversations although I thought they should help and to some level they helped and to some made it worse. Anyway, I appreciate what you've shared because there is a lot of useful tips I think I can use and it made me feel less alone <3

I will try the 10 second thing. At the moment I go sit in the shower with water running on my back which helps but is not always a quick fix, it would be nice to do something quicker to amp down.

 

[CacklingZombie]

Is your wife diagnosed with BPD? There are lots of things that cause toxic behaviour and it doesn't necessarily mean she has BPD. I wish you all the best and am sorry for you situation but there are plenty of spaces for loved ones of pwBPD if she is diagnosed and you need support. Otherwise I would think carefully about playing pyschologist.

I started this thread with the intention of connecting with other people that are diagnosed like me, not to read about someone complaining about how toxic we are which already happens every time one of us speaks out literally anywhere else on the internet. I get it. Lots of us with BPD were traumatised by BPD parents ourselves. But maybe read the room.

Yes she has. But fair. And I'm sorry for the experiences that led to this. I have empathy for the situations that you've been thru.

With a little space in between the comment, kindly understand it was a poorly worded cry for help in the moment and feeling unequipped to deal. Wrong forum, but it was kind of there and I jumped in. Apologies for that.

 

[hybridtheory]

I have BPD too. It is an absolute nightmare.

Does anyone deal with identity issues as well? Like you feel very far away from your true self, and you become easily persuaded by other people and want to become them? I can never stay one person and it's honestly exhausting.

 

[veinofether]

Yes she has. But fair. And I'm sorry for the experiences that led to this. I have empathy for the situations that you've been thru.

With a little space in between the comment, kindly understand it was a poorly worded cry for help in the moment and feeling unequipped to deal. Wrong forum, but it was kind of there and I jumped in. Apologies for that.

It's all good, friend. I really do hope things get better for you

 

[KlMeNw]

I realized a few years in that I am married to a BPD. It's overwhelming. Contentious. Volatile. It's been the worst experience of my life, and I have gone thru some *shit*

Wish I could unwind time and undo the marriage. Doing so now involves going face to face with what will undoubtedly be a public smear campaign of me by her just to try to control the narrative. An abuser who goes on the offensive for hours, and then incredibly cries victim when the one punch back catches her square in the jaw of her inner person. This cycles every 2-3 weeks for years. Baseless accusations. Emotional trauma dumping. Making me responsible for how she feels and then lighting me up when I don't or when I miss the mark. And on and on. WTFFFFF

Hey man, has your wife been formally diagnosed with this? I ask because I was kind of the "your wife" in a similar situation, even though I'm a male and it was my wife I gave hell. I went undiagnosed for a very long time and put her through a lot of shit. I wasn't trying to hurt her, I just didn't know how to deal with all the crazy crap going through my head all the time. I also didn't really understand what I was doing and how hurtful I was being. Anyways, I eventually got a diagnoses and they first put me on ketamine therapy, then that transitioned to a new medication called Auvelity, which combined with therapy has helped me change so much for the better. My wife and I went from being on the verge of divorce, to finding healing and rediscovering our love for one another. I'm sorry your wife is putting you through this, deep down she probably really doesn't want to hurt you, but just doesn't understand what's wrong with her or how much she is hurting you, at least I hope that's the case. I wish the best for you two.

I have BPD too. It is an absolute nightmare.

Does anyone deal with identity issues as well? Like you feel very far away from your true self, and you become easily persuaded by other people and want to become them? I can never stay one person and it's honestly exhausting.

I don't feel I want to become other people, more like I feel other peoples thoughts, feelings, and personalities are trying to invade me and take over, or write over my personality. That is to say what little of my personality I have a grasp of. It's an extremely violating sensation for me. I can't stand it.

 

[MidnightCat]

I also have BPD.. got diagnosed in my 30's although way less apparent than when I was 15..

"Fortunately" it transitioned to "quiet BPD" so I don't scare or hurt (as much) people around me. However, it's hard to keep on going when your mind seems to be plotting against you every second.

I'm now on medication and therapy, and it frustrates me because I can see when I'm feeling or thinking "not normal things" and that are a symptom of the BPD... But I just cannot feel it as anything other than "it's just me, the absolute truth and what I deserve to suffer for still being here".

After like 15 different medications... New one seems to, at least, make the emotional spikes less prominent... But still...

 

[whywere]

I have had the damn disease all my life, and it is so darn tiring, and I never know what bridge I will burn down next. It runs on my "dads" side of the family, and it is soul draining.

I work each and every day to try and feel and /or spot if I am going to flip from a smile to all hell breaking loose and excuse myself and go to a space here, I can work through it.

My wish is for all the family members here with the darn disease to have some sunshine, love, peace and above all the understanding of everyone everywhere, all my love and heart to everyone here, we are ALL family.

Walter

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

I fucking despise this disease.

It's like the devil and angel on each shoulder.

Except, the devil violently murdered and cannibalised the angel, then decided to crawl inside my ear and live in my brain, whispering, talking, shouting constantly.

Every little thing gets twisted. I gaslight myself. I can't trust myself. Because I don't really know anymore where I end and the BPD begins. Sometimes I don't feel like there is an 'I' left at all. That devil crawled inside and grew, and grew, and GREW, until I couldn't hold it off and it swallowed me up. Now it controls me

It tells me not to trust my partner, that they don't love me. It tells me that I'm fat and ugly and pathetic and useless and everyone including my partner secretly hates me. And I KNOW it's the disease speaking, not me. But that knowledge starts losing it's helpfulness when the thoughts are so cruel, persistent, inescapable.

The worst part is that I had a pretty good hold on it, or at least I thought, for a while. But multiple factors have exacerbated it lately to the point I don't remember suffering this much.

Any fellow borderlines around here? What helps you stop being a jealous, paranoid misery? Yes, therapy and/or medication is a given but I can't access this right now..

I feel this exactly. I started writing down how my thoughts/actions/surroundings spiral me gaslighting myself. I have both bipolar and borderline. It's awful and people don't understand me at all. It's okay because i don't understand myself.

 

[Luminous_]

I'm not diagnosed but heavily, HEAVILY suspect I am suffering from it along with ptsd and I am 100% certain I have the standard depression and anxiety.

Can't decide what steak I want to eat at a restaurant? crying in the bathroom. Plans with my friends change? I become violent to myself and objects, plus the scream crying. I get paranoid of my loved ones to the point I believe they want to cause harm to me and ruin my life. My self image changes like the wind. Don't forget the reckless sex, the amounts of drugs I used to consume that my friend feared I would die right there, the self harm. My boyfriend is an Angel but once he kissed me and it caused a visceral disgust feeling in me.

My dad has the disorder, and both sides of my family are absolutely plagued with mental illness but my paternal side is worse. The stories I've heard sound like they were literally living in the dark ages. Only reason I think I'm not diagnosed is because I was younger when I was receiving help and because of my autism I struggled to communicate anything meaningful to them- that and they were more concerned with keeping me alive as my weight and nutrition fell.

They did suspect I had schizophrenia because of my odd demeanour and later after that screening I ended up developing recurring complex and simple hallucinations which I carry with me to this day so I may also have some form of psychosis but I suspect it's really just a mix of symptoms from my other dysfunctions.

 

[futurecorpse]

Yes I have bpd and it's mental anguish for me. I also have ptsd so sometimes it's hard to distinguish which disorder is showing. I get angry a lot and will display some aggression (yell) but that's it. I think most of my symptoms are internalized and I take it out on myself. I do have mental breakdowns and will be sobbing alone or in my dad's arms (when we're okay). Of course, I feel very deeply and because I always feel some type of unpleasant emotion, I'm always miserable. The pain of rejection and abandonment are x1000 more painful when it's coming from a romantic fp. To avoid jealousy and paranoia, I keep to myself and don't make much of an effort to make friends. I don't date either. I cut off people before they can cut me off because I just KNOW it will happen. It always does. I'm lonely but I'm not spiraling (at least not right now lol) so the disconnection helps me to an extent. BUT, there's a dbt workbook available on Amazon (listed as Best Seller) that you can do by yourself. If you decide to see a therapist in the future, that's something you can work on together. c:
It's incredibly difficult living with this disorder and I know how hard it is to go through life without having a ton of support. It sucks when the people you love won't make an effort to understand. I wish you peace and strength. x