Venting Anyone else here who has always had a good life/no trauma or anything but is still depressed?

[iwantout222]

So I've never had anything bad/traumatic happen to me during my childhood. Didn't lose anyone close to me, was never abused (I was hit a few times by parents but thats no reason for being the way I am.. my siblings turned out fine). I was never bullied I had a good life until I didn't. Had my first panic attack at 9 for no apparent reason and it's been a downfall since then. I'm 18 now and I'm struggling with an eating disorder, panic attacks, anxiety and self harming. The past 4-5 years are all a blur, I can't remember the last time i felt normal. I'm just completely numb now, or sad, or angry but I can't remember the last time I've been genuinely happy. Or just not unhappy. But the thing is: there's genuinely nothing that justifies me feeling this way. My parents support me, I got into a good uni (thru lots of luck tho) and I'm still like this. I'm constantly tired, depressed, can't connect with other people so I don't have friends. Every time I tried to get help I have always felt like I'm just making up things/causing my own problems. Also I feel so guilty, since there are people who went through terrible things and still live a normal life, and here I am, completely normal and I want to fucking die.
There have been suicides in my family, my mom had/has an ed and used to selfharm/tried to ctb. I had a head injury when I was little, and apparently after I was born I couldn't immediately breathe (?) so there were like 10 seconds when I wasn't breathing or something like that? Do I have some kind of brain injury that1s causing all this? Is it possible that all my issues are caused by these things? Because I could say that my ed/sh issues all are on me but there's no apparent reason for my panic attacks or me being depressed (I don't wanna say depression since I'm not diagnosed).

 

[D!psh!tMcgee]

i used to be the same unfortunately i rolled the dice and got snake eyes but for most of my early childhood i had no real problems but was still super depressed and wanted to CTB it may just be your brain eg i have general anxiety disorder it may just be that your brain was wired incorrectly not much you can do about it other than seek help and take meds tho if you wanna have an excuse you could always get your self shot at or date a crazy bitch or get attached to some one in this community and watch em die (this is a joke PTSD sucks try and avoid trauma)

 

[iwantout222]

loool
yea it's probably my brain maybe that's why therapy isn't working. i guess not everyone can win on the genetic lottery!

 

[Archness]

Who could really say? Seems like your brain is just defective, with how your mom also had problems maybe you just inherited her bad genes?

Personally, I think the capability/desire for ctb is like 3/4ths inherent to your brain and 1/4th environment. Some, like most people, would never wish for death and just want their life to improve. Then the SaSu community wants to perish bc whatever (it depends on the individual).

Honestly I get not having any "real" or "acceptable" reason to ctb. For me, life could only be a decline, but for now it's not soo unbearable and there are some decent moments.

I'm also the same where everything was normal before all these complex thoughts and depression appeared (to I was the big autist). I wonder if you could say your thought's complexity increased or not around wen you became messed up. You seem like someone I should keep an eye on.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Honestly if you have no significant trauma and generally anxiety/depression/eating disorder I would seriously consider medication alongside psychosocial support.

The odds of you recovering are quite high compared to most people on this forum. And that's not just me saying that, it's statistically true.

I meet and chat with a lot of people on this forum who I would honestly agree that their situation is unrecoverable; I've instructed people on how to ctb and even written a post on opioid poisonings.

Based on the limited information you've shared through, I would at least consider exhausting your options for treatment before planning to ctb.

Medication eradicated mg depression and anxiety. Unfortunately I have chronic fatigue syndrome for which there is no treatment.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

I've had a pretty shit life with shit parents and shit situations overall, but I know for a fact that people have had it worse than me. That being said, depression is a mental disorder, while it is possible to become depressed due to circumstances around you, a mental illness is a mental illness. You don't "need" to catch it. You can live a life that's fulfilling and have everything but still be depressed. Just look at what happened to Robin Williams and Jason David Frank (RIP)

 

[huphup]

Depression is a multifactorial illness and does not just manifest from trauma. There are several theories out there and the truth is we do not really know much about it, especially when it comes to causes. There is little replicability in the field of psychology and the chemical imbalance theory has been disproven... This is based off of my readings, seems like it is a more socially driven problem than biological.. Did your parents actively show you how to cope with stressors properly? How was your social support network? Did you talk about your problems with your parents? Were you emotionally validated? Did you use technology/social media a lot growing up? Were you in touch with nature? These examples plus your genes ultimately determine whether you are mentally ill or not. Our bodies were really not designed for all of this chronic stress of the modern era.

 

[Abyssal]

Thought I had no trauma because loving family/no physical abuse.

Turns out I did have trauma from elementary school and that I'm just really sensitive to it. Most people would shrug it off but I just had to let it impact my developmental process.

 

[@siniy_cat]

Yeah, there are a lot of people, who have it probably way harder than me, but still suicide never crosses their mind (as far as I know).
I didn't have the best childhood, but I also don't think that it was traumatic in a way that would justify my SI, so ig there is just something deficient with my brain.

 

[SparkleWater]

I thought i had a good life and that i just ruined it myself but mostly because the abuse (even if unintentinal) became so normalized for me. but it was never ok. It was breaking me and i was just told over and over again i was fine. when i wasnt.
i was gaslit to believe i was never traumatized. that the shit that happened to me didnt affect me as much as it did.

 

[the_last_race]

I am. I have a decent job that was secured by my mother who has a high position, i have decent salary in there, bigger than most of the guys my age. I have a car that my dad gave away to me. I have a gf that loves me to the deepest deeps of her heart. And not even mentioning the fact that all the basic needs like comfortable home and food several times a day are covered...
Yet still I'm feeling like shit, like a failure, like a worm. I didn't achieve anything in this life, everything was more or less handed over to me, i was always safeguarded... I didn't make any major decisions in my life on my own.. My mother used to abuse me physically and psychologically, i was a sick and weak child - but so what? Millions are being abused as children and turn out to be good people. And i am a fucking failure, spineless, characterless maggot, a parasite that cannot even feel gratitude for all it has that other aren't. I want more, i lust for more, i crave for more yet I'm too weak and scared to act. I'm too comfortable in this life, like a maggot in a steamy pile of shit. I hate myself, I'm disgusted by myself, by the fact that I've never experienced real hardships and still depressed, I'm the most despicable person i know. There's no worse maggot and parasite around me and the most disgusting part is that I'm so good at imitating a decent person that people actually like me. They don't think that I'm spineless - they think I'm just being kind. They think i am smart, they think i belong where i am.. i digress. Sorry for going on a rant, but when i start writing i can't stop.... Sorry

 

[FutureHanger]

maybe this might not help you but imma put this out here anyways: I read once in some book that peoole act like happiness is some moral issue that they have to deserve when it's simply an emotion and this idea applies to most emotions except for feeling guilt or like a victim, you dont have to do anything to "deserve" to feel the way you do and emotions and thoughts in and of themselves aren't harmful so repressing then because you feel like you deserve to is pointless and ultimately since emotions are just emotions you don't need to have the worst life on earth to allow yourself to feel sad when you are

 

[Salmon can't swim]

I was literally gonna post about this, you took the words out of my mouth. I haven't had a traumatic childhood, it was very enjoyable even. Though my dad was always abroad, I didn't like him very much anyway so it was a plus for me. My mum is super sweet, supporting and caring - the only two things I can fault her for are giving birth to me and being christain. Good relationship with siblings. Never had a lot of friends but I've never been isolated or bullied, and I value the friends I do have. I got into a prestigious college and I love it. The teachers are lovely, the courses are structured, easy to understand and have lots of support. I have more friends now (still few), and an internship at a job (which I utterly adore), which could become full time soon.

No matter how I evaluate it, there should be no reason for me to want to CTB, but ultimately here I am, trying to find a partner and hoping to leave b4 christmas. I'm trapped in a prison of my own mind. Anxiety truly has me in a chokehold. As if I'm being broken and remoulded, broken and remoulded, over and over in an endless cycle of pain. My mind is completely rotten, to the point that it cannot be decayed any more. Every moment of my existence is pure, utter, relentless, inescapable torment.

"O full of scorpions is my mind ". They poison and sting, making me delirious from suffering. The tantalizing smell of rot invites other bugs to chew on this decrepit wasteland of desolation, nibbling and nibbling till naught is left. I just want it to stop. The good, the bad, everything. I don't want to go on. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to exist. It's so cold here. So cold. So cold. Even if I try to warm myself, the chill persists. This cold is burning up my insides. It's leaving me frozen and melted in a jumbled mess.

...I've gone off on a rant again. Fml

 

[new2blue]

I had a great childhood, aside from my mental health. I have siblings that love me, parents who would do nearly anything for me, a girlfriend of nine years who loves me unconditionally. I work from home, but dont earn enough to evenrually buy a house or retire. I have enough money to get by week to week, maybe go on the occasional holiday. A lot of people would love to have my life. Ever since I was young, I suffered from anxiety and depression, mainly anxiety. I was obsessive compulsive, overthought everything, and ironicly was afraid of dying.

I have lost my mind more times than I can count. Sometimes spiraling in to an anxious, obsessive, overthinking mess for many months. I always dealt with this in the past by distraction. Watching tv, playing games, reading, writing. Yet these distractions no longer suffice. It feels shallow, lonely, and pointless.

I would choose to continue living if not for my mind. Being in my skin is painful. Everyday I am constantly anxious and unable to participate in anything without major effort. I am medicated but it is not helping so much anymore. The only thing keeping me here is a mixture of the difficulty to ctb and the guilt of leaving my girlfriend. She deserves the world. She is the most loving person I have ever known.

Not all suffering is external. Sometimes people are born with brains that are wired in the wrong direction. Sometimes people isolate themselves and poison their mind in ways difficult to overcome.

This is getting long. Point is, fairy tale begginings and a good life dont always mean an absence of suffering. Mental illness is just as real as any physical illness.

 

[UnwillingSavior]

Reading your post (OP) and all of these replies is very helpful to hear for me, but also frightening to see that even those with privilege can still be in agony. Likewise, for me, you could compare my life to most other people and see that I have had an objectively better life than roughly ~75% of all people. And yet, I don't want to continue living. I don't know why but here I am, with more "life" than some people will ever get to experience/have and I want to forfeit it all. I believe there's an awful stigma against those with good lives that they are not allowed to complain or show weakness. "[Insert god here] gave you a roof over your head and clean food & water, be grateful!", "Your parents worked so hard to give you what you have!", "There are starving families in war torn countries, grow up/get over yourself!". Examples like this suppress the very true feelings and pain a person can have. Its like telling someone to walk off a broken leg. These bottled emotions get compressed more and more every day until it forms into trauma. This trauma gives a person a mindset that makes them feel like they aren't worthy of being saved. Like they haven't worked hard enough to relax. That they aren't enough.

I'm so tired, I don't really know if what I'm saying makes sense. I'm so sorry that anyone feels the need to be here at all.

 

[new2blue]

If a good life meant no suffering, rich people with millions of adoring fans would not end their lives, but they do. Its a fallacy to believe money equates to happiness. Sure, more money could allow me to help my parents retire. I could use it to help more people. Maybe for a time it would help me continue on, but the suffering is always there, underneath, wringling in my skin. I feel a tremendous guilt for not being happy. I wish everyone could have parents who love them, a good family, a stable job, a partner to ride through the storm. Yet, I feel like a weight that will eventually drag everyone I love down. My mind is a battlefield. I spend every waking moment on the verge of a panic attack and feeling like nothing matters.

I want to enjoy life, but my mind is broken. I do not think anyone should feel guilty for having these feelings even if they have a good life. All human beings suffer, its what connects us more than anything else.

 

[iwantout222]

thank u for all the replies! while it's good to know I'm not alone with this, I'm also sad that you guys are also experiencing this.
every year is like a cycle for me when it comes to my mood, and it usually gets much better during christmas/new years, but every year I'm less happy. But usually on christmas I'd clean my room, put on some nice clothes no matter how shitty I was feeling before, and sometimes I would even get excited about the presents. I don't feel anything now, and I don't care about anything anymore. The only thing I have left now are my family, I'm failing uni and I don't have any friends left. I know that they love me, and I love them too but thinking about them is just making me cry. Because I'm starting to realize that I'm going to leave them here. I don't think there's a way out of this for me anymore. I've tried so many things, none of them worked and I'm just getting worse every year. Idk what to do I don't want to be a burden to them. I can't keep asking them to pay for a therapist. Only thing I'm scared of, is that since I'm living with them, if i ctbd at home they would have to find my body. I really don't wanna do that do them. I had so many chances, but I keep sabotaging my own life. I ruined it myself.