Anyone else here because of dysphoria?

[emie_]

I've had many reasons to consider ctb throughout my life, but the most consistent one has been my gender dysphoria. The only thing that kept me going in terms of dealing with dysphoria is the hope that hormones and transitioning will help. I was at a breaking point a few years ago after some unrelated traumatic event, and almost went through with ctb. But I've pulled myself out of it, focused on my transion and I've been on hormones for some time now. I pass enough and get gendered correctly in public most of the time, I should be happy. But I'm not. My dysphoria has never been worse. I hate myself, I hate my face, I hate my body. I can't look in the mirror without crying at least once a day. I seem to pass, but that's not enough apparently. I plan on getting facial feminization surgery, but what if these feelings persist? Am I doomed to hate myself for the rest of my life, no matter what? Dysphoria has literally consumed my every day life. I can't focus on anything else. I'm supposed to start grad school in 2 months, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that when I can barely function as a human being anymore.

 

[Capsaicin78]

Same over here. Depression has been fucking with me for so long , I can't cope with it anymore. So hopefully this year my story will end.

For your case, I wish you the best for whatever happens

 

[raybd]

I've had many reasons to consider ctb throughout my life, but the most consistent one has been my gender dysphoria. The only thing that kept me going in terms of dealing with dysphoria is the hope that hormones and transitioning will help. I was at a breaking point a few years ago after some unrelated traumatic event, and almost went through with ctb. But I've pulled myself out of it, focused on my transion and I've been on hormones for some time now. I pass enough and get gendered correctly in public most of the time, I should be happy. But I'm not. My dysphoria has never been worse. I hate myself, I hate my face, I hate my body. I can't look in the mirror without crying at least once a day. I seem to pass, but that's not enough apparently. I plan on getting facial feminization surgery, but what if these feelings persist? Am I doomed to hate myself for the rest of my life, no matter what? Dysphoria has literally consumed my every day life. I can't focus on anything else. I'm supposed to start grad school in 2 months, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that when I can barely function as a human being anymore.

Hi. I have first-hand experience with a variety of people from across the spectrum with gender dysphoria. Over 25 years. So I have seen a wide range. For full disclosure, I am not a transperson - just been working in various social advocacy groups off and on. May be you know this already, but it is worth reiterating. A lot of people view transitioning as a silver bullet solution to all their life problems. It's such a long, arduous process -so cannot blame their thinking so. Once they complete it, and the humdrum of daily living over the "rest of your life" starts, some find happiness, some start questioning. And the majority of transitioners say they were suicidal at some point. 40 years ago, in some clinics, it was a requirement to be suicidal to be considered for the surgery.. So, what I would suggest is - please be absolutely sure that the end result of transitioning, will indeed work for you before even going further on it. You need to somehow compartmentalize your depression (lack of fulfillment you perceive in life) and dysphoria (wrong body) and be sure which one is causing the larger problem. No therapist can adequately understand your life experience to delineate these two for you, and the solutions for these two problems may not be the same. But people mix them up, think transition will heal all hurts - then wonder some years later if it has. CTB and Transition are both irreversible. One cannot tread on either path lightly. You can try things out in steps. You are still young, if you talk of gradschool. Don't get irreversible surgeries just yet, but try starting gradschool as a woman. OTOH, if in education or career or socially, you have one particular problem that causes depression, try to resolve that... see where it gets you. Don't lock on to anything until sure. You got time in your life to open every door and check what lies behind. Good luck to you.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

try starting gradschool as a woman

Did the OP mention they were MTF or FTM? Maybe I missed it.

 

[emie_]

Hi. I have first-hand experience with a variety of people from across the spectrum with gender dysphoria. Over 25 years. So I have seen a wide range. For full disclosure, I am not a transperson - just been working in various social advocacy groups off and on. May be you know this already, but it is worth reiterating. A lot of people view transitioning as a silver bullet solution to all their life problems. It's such a long, arduous process -so cannot blame their thinking so. Once they complete it, and the humdrum of daily living over the "rest of your life" starts, some find happiness, some start questioning. And the majority of transitioners say they were suicidal at some point. 40 years ago, in some clinics, it was a requirement to be suicidal to be considered for the surgery.. So, what I would suggest is - please be absolutely sure that the end result of transitioning, will indeed work for you before even going further on it. You need to somehow compartmentalize your depression (lack of fulfillment you perceive in life) and dysphoria (wrong body) and be sure which one is causing the larger problem. No therapist can adequately understand your life experience to delineate these two for you, and the solutions for these two problems may not be the same. But people mix them up, think transition will heal all hurts - then wonder some years later if it has. CTB and Transition are both irreversible. One cannot tread on either path lightly. You can try things out in steps. You are still young, if you talk of gradschool. Don't get irreversible surgeries just yet, but try starting gradschool as a woman. OTOH, if in education or career or socially, you have one particular problem that causes depression, try to resolve that... see where it gets you. Don't lock on to anything until sure. You got time in your life to open every door and check what lies behind. Good luck to you.

Thank you for taking the time to write your comment, I appreciate it. I've been living as a girl for almost 10 years now, since I was 14, and long before starting hormones. That's not the issue. I've struggled with dysphoria since i was a child and looked forward to hormones alleviating it and helping me look more congruent to how I feel I should look like. The problem is, even with that happening, I'm still struggling with dysphoria. Maybe I shouldn't call it dysphoria, maybe it's body dysmorphia, but whatever it is, I still hate my face and can't stand looking at myself in the mirror without breaking down. Granted, I might be going through an episode right now and it might pass, as I've had much better days, but why do I have to go through thes episodes in the first place. And you're right, I do have lots of other stuff in my life that are contributing to my suicidal and depressive ideation. In fact, the reason why I made this account 2 years ago was because of these aforementioned events, mainly being sexually assaulted. I can't tell you whether these persistent feelings of self hate are just another symptom of what happened to me and not necessarily tied to my transition, but regardless, I'm tired of dealing with all of this. I've tried, and I'm really, really tired.

 

[raybd]

Did the OP mention they were MTF or FTM? Maybe I missed it.

mentioned facial feminization surgery...

Thank you for taking the time to write your comment, I appreciate it. I've been living as a girl for almost 10 years now, since I was 14, and long before starting hormones. That's not the issue. I've struggled with dysphoria since i was a child and looked forward to hormones alleviating it and helping me look more congruent to how I feel I should look like. The problem is, even with that happening, I'm still struggling with dysphoria. Maybe I shouldn't call it dysphoria, maybe it's body dysmorphia, but whatever it is, I still hate my face and can't stand looking at myself in the mirror without breaking down. Granted, I might be going through an episode right now and it might pass, as I've had much better days, but why do I have to go through thes episodes in the first place. And you're right, I do have lots of other stuff in my life that are contributing to my suicidal and depressive ideation. In fact, the reason why I made this account 2 years ago was because of these aforementioned events, mainly being sexually assaulted. I can't tell you whether these persistent feelings of self hate are just another symptom of what happened to me and not necessarily tied to my transition, but regardless, I'm tired of dealing with all of this. I've tried, and I'm really, really tired.

Well, I can tell you this much. There is not one transitioner I know, particularly among the MTFs, across ALL age groups, who are ever satisfied with their "looks" or body and keep thinking there's some work they could get done or feel nature denied them something. It's asymptotic. Even if everything is going great with life. For all her achievements and trail-blazing, Lynn Conway got FFS after the age of 65 (may be 70). It wasn't available when she was younger, and even at 65, she felt the need for it. So the only thing you can ever do in life - no matter how long you live - even to a 100 - is put mind over matter, and overcome the dysmorphia after getting just the minimum done. Otherwise, you will only torture yourself. And distract yourself from focusing on it... however you can... don't like your face in the mirror... go goth for a semester.... it's fun... everyone in goth looks similar... :) just take your mind off it any which way.
If you are already living as a woman, your problem is much easier. Concentrate on the other, i.e. "non-gender" stuff for a while - make no decisions about anything - set a time frame, 3-6 months, and sort these out first, and see where you are. May be life will have progressed enough that you can calmly think about completing your transition and getting on with life. FWIW, HTH.

 

[Dizzylady80]

So if you pass, like you said it might be dysmorphia causing your dysphoria. I'm trans and have a lot of dysphoria but that's not one of the reasons I'm here. One thing that could help is talking to a therapist with experience in dysphoria, they could help you find ways of seeing how you actually look and ways of working through it.

Dysphoria is fucking miserable. It's kinda hard to explain just how bad it is to someone who doesn't experience it, because it is SO much more than being uncomfortable with your appearance, there's a lot to it. I'm sorry you're going through it rn, I hope it gets better

 

[locked*n*loaded]

mentioned facial feminization surgery...

You are so right. I missed that. My bad. Now, feel really embarrassed. Thanks for clearing it up.

 

[raybd]

It's kinda hard to explain just how bad it is to someone who doesn't experience it, because it is SO much more than being uncomfortable with your appearance, there's a lot to it.

It's understandable to others. Becomes a 24/7 obsession, makes you hate yourself... takes over life. Doesn't it? The people who seem happiest during and after transition are the ones going in with a sense of balance... that the process is not completely curative... but lets you get by in life. And even if everything goes your way in life... like the Lynn Conway example I gave earlier... it still remains. Intrinsic mental resilience helps... more than pills and shrinks. Ask: Who is perfect in the world? Is the world perfect? Why is it your burden alone to be perfect?

 

[Klo]

I've had many reasons to consider ctb throughout my life, but the most consistent one has been my gender dysphoria. The only thing that kept me going in terms of dealing with dysphoria is the hope that hormones and transitioning will help. I was at a breaking point a few years ago after some unrelated traumatic event, and almost went through with ctb. But I've pulled myself out of it, focused on my transion and I've been on hormones for some time now. I pass enough and get gendered correctly in public most of the time, I should be happy. But I'm not. My dysphoria has never been worse. I hate myself, I hate my face, I hate my body. I can't look in the mirror without crying at least once a day. I seem to pass, but that's not enough apparently. I plan on getting facial feminization surgery, but what if these feelings persist? Am I doomed to hate myself for the rest of my life, no matter what? Dysphoria has literally consumed my every day life. I can't focus on anything else. I'm supposed to start grad school in 2 months, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that when I can barely function as a human being anymore.

Passing is a good thing if being misgendered is a hurtful experience. Have you explored your feelings about yourself beyond gender and dysphoria. There are a lot of of cis people who feel exactly as you do about themselves. I have struggled with self esteem and self worth in some form or another my whole life and when I thought it was about physical attributes (weight, saggy boobs, etc) I thought I would feel better by changing and improving those things. Even once I got thin and later got implants the inner feelings still affected every area of my life but especially relating to others. I hope you find a content space where you will feel ok and be able to finish school and find a life you think is worth living. Also I hope you can enjoy the changes you are making to feel more like yourself. That is one thing i wish i did more of was enjoy my younger years while they were happening.

 

[raybd]

Passing is a good thing if being misgendered is a hurtful experience. Have you explored your feelings about yourself beyond gender and dysphoria. There are a lot of of cis people who feel exactly as you do about themselves. I have struggled with self esteem and self worth in some form or another my whole life and when I thought it was about physical attributes (weight, saggy boobs, etc) I thought I would feel better by changing and improving those things. Even once I got thin and later got implants the inner feelings still affected every area of my life but especially relating to others. I hope you find a content space where you will feel ok and be able to finish school and find a life you think is worth living. Also I hope you can enjoy the changes you are making to feel more like yourself. That is one thing i wish i did more of was enjoy my younger years while they were happening.

To that, I can add a guy's perspective. Physically, I'm pretty much what most guys would aspire to be. 6', muscular - biceps enough to give Thor insecurity... not just a mass of muscle, telegenic too. Think something between Brad Pitt and Vin Diesel. Career wise too did well. Hold several advanced degrees not just a PhD. Yet, in the end... here I am from medical and other causes... on the CTB site. No one's cup can ever be full. That's what makes us human. The sooner you realize that the world and life are both, on the whole, as broken as you feel you yourself are broken.... you'll feel fine. And then, if you feel completing your transition is the right thing for you - it can be a calm, pleasant and relieving experience.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Yes, me. Though, it's not really a mismatch of gender to sex. I am cis-male (gender and sex male) but hate it and wish I was both female sex and gender for a lot of reasons. I won't transition though since I am vain and don't want to dilate and be on hormones for life among many other reasons. I've decided that I will just CTB instead.

 

[raybd]

Yes, me. Though, it's not really a mismatch of gender to sex. I am cis-male (gender and sex male) but hate it and wish I was both female sex and gender for a lot of reasons. I won't transition though since I am vain and don't want to dilate and be on hormones for life among many other reasons. I've decided that I will just CTB instead.

I have known a few people, for whom transition, as available in today's medicine is not an answer. Some who were MTF viewed it just like you say. Transitioning would get them to being and largely perceived as women, but, not go all the way. Specifically for two of them, not being able to bear children meant being denied the complete womanly experience. One of them did not even transition and never went past getting therapy, not even to hormones. The pain remained till the end of their life. Of course, so many natal women choose not to or cannot have children. But, who is to decide what is the correct world view?
So, if you are sure that "transitioning as available today" is not an answer for you, and no treatment or device or curative may heal you, then, you may be right that CTB is your answer. Just be sure is all I'd say.
Van Gogh was nuts enough to cut off his ear. But, he was still van Gogh the painter. Dirac was so extremely unsocial that even Einstein, a weirdo himself, thought Dirac was nuts. But, he was also such a genius that even Einstein himself found Dirac "dizzying" And how did Socrates' life end? Over the power of ideas and words. Nothing a DA could charge him with in the US today.
The brain is a very strange thing.
Just be clear in your head with everything in your life and what you do. You are the best judge of your own life experience.
My trouble is not dysphoria but rare illness and its aftermath. Someone in my state might have CTBed years ago. Someone else, never. Could even want to stay on in a long term facility with an iron lung. For me, I decided when enough is enough. I vacillated for 3 years - even during the pandemic I stayed put despite the risk. Now, the end of the road is clearly ahead. I have no regrets. In fact, a perverse enthusiasm to CTB. And calm. A lot of calm.
Hope my 2c helps.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

So, if you are sure that "transitioning as available today" is not an answer for you, and no treatment or device or curative may heal you, then, you may be right that CTB is your answer. Just be sure is all I'd say.

I am very sure. Transitioning would not accomplish getting me to where I would be if I was a cis woman instead. It is also too costly in both money (maybe my insurance would cover it) and time as well. It does not feel worth it to invest all of that plus a life time of maintenance on the body just for a result that doesn't meet my standards.

I concede that transitioning helps some as some aren't as bothered by not 100% passing and find the lifetime of hormones and dilating to be the lesser of the two evils. I, however do not find better for me.