God yes. You describe it perfectly. Always feeling like I'm doing something wrong, that I'm in trouble and someone is going to accost me. I don't even know what I'm scared of, logically I know just walking down the street or whatever isn't going to get me arrested, but the guilt and shame and fear is always there.
I guess it's that there are so many things I could be doing wrong that I don't even know, unwritten rules you only find out when you break. I just feel like an intruder anywhere I go.
Wish I had some advice or something but either way you're definitely not alone.
Yes! I always start to frantically think about how I could be breaking some rule, law or norm that I'm simply unaware of even in situations where whatever it is that I'm doing is as innocent as just sitting somewhere by myself
Not sure if I have it to the same extent, but I definitely experience this a lot. Recently when ever I'm hanging out with people I can't shake the feeling I'm just a burden on the group, I'm annoying, I should just leave, etc. I also am constantly paranoid about the way people see me, even strangers. I know I shouldn't care and I don't want to because rationally I don't give a fuck about what other people think of me but my irrational brains fears stepping out of the "social line" and then being reprimanded for it, similar to how you described. This is down to the smallest most inconsequential things; I modify my behaviour whenever I'm outside in case anyone is looking at me. I've felt like I'm constantly being watched for years now. A lot of my guilt also comes from the feeling I'm always underperforming/underdelivering even if in reality I'm doing more than enough. I blame going to grammar school for this shattered self esteem I have when it comes to work and hobbies like art and writing, it just feels like everything I produce is worthless and or has glaring errors that everyone can see even when it doesn't. I also feel bad when engaging with anything "escapist" (videogames, art, etc) because I feel like I don't deserve to be able to escape into things to avoid the news, etc because the people being subjected to the horrible things that end up in the news often don't have that same privilege. The social side of my guilt/anxiety I put down to either being shunned now as an autistic adult/being shunned frequently as an autistic teenager for my "odd/bad" behaviour but it's probably other things too. I'm sorry you have to deal with this horrible feeling all the time, I hope you can find maybe a bit of solace in the fact you're not alone.
I used to obsess over the tiniest things like changing my posture, the way that I walk, the way I reach for things, the way my mouth moves when I speak, all down to the most minute detail in fear of being judged. I've been really paranoid for as long as I can remember and I really relate to freaking out about people staring at me. It doesn't matter where I go or if there's not even that many people around, I'm almost constantly convinced that everybody is looking at me, I always feel like there's something about me that makes me stand out in a bad way, as 'different' and 'wrong'. Fortunately, I no longer obsess over small things like that and try to modify them, but I do feel physically restricted and tight. Almost like I lock myself in my own body and try to limit my movement so as to not do anything that will draw attention over to me, which is really tiring. But not as tiring as obsessively modifying and 'fixing' everything in my demeanor was, so I guess that's technically an improvement.
But the paranoia sucks. I really enjoy being out in nature, but on the few instances in which I actually decide to go out the experience is ruined by everything I mentioned earlier. I can't really sit still on a bench or under a tree, even if I choose a particularly inconspicuous spot I always just feel like someone is looking specifically at me. It doesn't even matter if there's not that many people around.
Last year I visited some relatives, they live out in the country so I actually had the luxury of being able to go out into the woods where there is nobody in sight for hours on end. I would still have moments where I'd think 'what if there IS someone around here, and what if they are looking at me and keeping track of me, but I just can't see them?' but they were few (& fortunately brief). It was so relaxing to finally be able to let go of all of those concerns and just *be*, not to mention absolutely beautiful. I hope you can experience something like that yourself some time
I also have a few artistic projects of my own, and I definitely relate to feeling like every single idea I come up with is absolutely terrible and would only warrant ridicule. But I feel like this stems from my perfectionism. It also fluctuates. At one point I might feel like I've just come up with something that is actually good and clever, but then I'll start to second guess it, and then all manner of negative thinking ensues. I'm sorry you go through that as well
