Discussion Anyone Else Gone Numb?

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

Hey everyone.

I used to experience immense pain. I would blast music in my ears, scream, cry, and sleep on the floor just to feel something. Every day brought excruciating pain. The best way to describe it would be grieving my own death, if that even makes any sense. I would also constantly ruminate over whether or not I should commit suicide, which caused me a lot of stress.

However, I've recently (past few months) just become numb. Nothing seems to bother me, and I am able to actually enjoy non-effort activities like watching sports/YouTube. The suicide question does not come up as often and I am 90% sure I want to do it, which signifies a shift towards CTB. Is this one step closer to me finally being able to go through with CTB? It seems like the only thing holding me back at this point is my love for snowboarding (I don't think I can ever get past this, hopefully it will just be something I will be able to CTB with still hanging over me) and the effort required to plan and obtain the materials. Pain inflicted on loved ones has never been a concern of mine. Just curious about your own journeys. Hopefully this shift to numbness means I am one step closer to being able to go through with it.

 

[oddetoad]

im not entirely numb from the 10+ years of isolation cause i can still feel something like .. idk, shame and also like feeling uncomfortable.
last time i experienced it i was watching the latest Live podcast from Whatever ( i hate this podcast btw ) where this girl got kicked out from the podcast for her beliefs and it just really stabbed at me feeling for her in that situation..

but other than specific situations I guess im overall numbed down yes

 

[loslassen]

absolutely, ever after my ctb date happened and I failed my attempt, I've been trying to recover, but nothing around my life has changed, it's still super stressful and shitty, just my approach towards it, I've been numb however, bottling up feelings involuntarily, it frustrates me but I can't even feel frustrated over the constant disappointment around my life, I'm just numb.

 

[peppermintflavored]

not sure if im numbed but probably a little emotionally disconnected. not caring about the pain i might inflict by CTB is normal for me. everything is less stressful when you know it doesnt matter anyway. especially when it becomes a form of comfort or even revenge

 

[Catch-22]

Unfortunately I become completely numb this year. Finding out you have multiple diseases that will probably not kill me fast but will torture me for many years to come. It's already been torturing me for decades I just didn't know why I was sick. Now knowing there is no help and I'm stuck in hell. If I had what I needed I would have already been gone..