Anyone else get weirdly excited when you find a new reason to ctb?

[stoicseal]

Example:

Just found out I'm infertile, and one of the only things keeping me here was the possibility of having a large and happy family one day. It's really all I wanted out of life deep down.

In a twisted way, I was kind of relieved that I have yet another factor to push me over the edge lol. Same way I feel a sick sense of pleasure when I tell my bf to just leave me—if he does, that's just more desired fuel to this slow-burning fire.

 

[novem]

not really, it is just sad that life is escaping.
i know i would never have kids but i dont grieve about it

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

Yes I do. Not just excited but even euphoric sometimes.I have had many problems throughout my lifetime. When I come out of my dissociative state for a moment or two and get to know the reality, I feel quite good knowing that my decision to ctb is justified and it will end very soon. It's quite weird and earlier I was afraid that I was becoming a sadist or something. But then I realised I only get exicted when it comes to me and not for others.

 

[Hurt]

Yes. But I try to avoid bad things in my life because I am on the edge. I don't want my life to get worse. I am staying as much as I can.

 

[September5th]

No. I feel miserable. There's nothing fun in wanting to die. I wish I could go back to last year, when I wanted to live and have a future, rather than thinking about death all the time...

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Kind of. I remember feeling excited from finding out I have type 2 diabetes for this exact reason. It weirdly helps as a way of coping with a lot of inconveniences or disasters going on in my life but unfortunately it doesn't mean anything if I'm not actually going to do it anytime soon.

 

[Nlis2244]

Yes, i kind of do. I worry about not being able to Ctb, and having to live for years of suffering. Having a new reason to Ctb makes it more likely that I will find the courage to go trough with it soon. It's kind of relaxing. I can worry less about my possible future alive, which really consumes me every day for some reason, and can instead remember that it doesn't matter, because I'll soon die, and so I am more confident about Ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

Most things in life make me want to ctb, the fact that life is even a thing in the first place makes me want to leave. I see existence itself as being absolutely horrifying. I think that at this point, the only thing that would make me excited is a peaceful and reliable way to leave this world. I envy those who are gone.

Everyday I have the same thoughts about how depressing and meaningless life is, only I wish that it is easier to leave all the pain behind. I do think that if things keep on getting worse, it would make me desperate enough to finally find a way to go through with it, so the way you feel is understandable.

 

[Ligottian]

I've had many reasons for years now. For me, actually doing the deed really boils down to when the pain in my life becomes bad enough to override survival instinct.

 

[°Celsuis_Caesar]

Course! It was fun finding new methods in the beginning, I thought SN and N were some Luxury Method like a- Status symbol on here or something, but the more I search, the more I realize the methods are thinning out, But it's no problem, I will master all the methods, one by one (With Time). Cheers!

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I'm hopimg i find something that pushes me over the edge. I want to die (compared to living) but something is holding me back.

 

[deadgeorge]

For sure, healthcare if free where I'm from so every time I find out about a new disease I have it makes me more complete with wanting to kill myself. I feel happiness only when I contemplate killing myself, and in a way I'm happy to know I have more reasons to do it.