Discussion Anyone else fundamentally ugly and unattractive on the inside? If so, how do you cope with it and do you think it's fixable?

[Imaginos]

I guess I'll start off by stating my own opinion on the matter. And that is, that even the ugliest people out there have a better shot at enjoying life than I do. I have perfectly straight piano key white teeth, my height is average, I have a decent physique, I stay in shape through regular exercise, I have nice thick hair, my genitals are of a normal size, and there's really nothing abnormal about my physical appearance whatsoever. Overall my looks could be defined as handsome, or at the very least slightly above average. Any you know what? It might as well mean fucking nothing. I'm emotionally unstable, socially retarded, agoraphobic, autistic, obsessive compulsive, and just generally mentally ill in numerous other ways. Here's the main difference between me; who's ugly on the inside, and someone else who's only ugly on the outside. They have POSSIBILITY. I have zero possibility. My mind is irreparably malformed and my spirit is a brittle as a dry twig. Even the most hideously ugly person can keep trying and, again, at least has the possibility to get something decent for themselves someday. Someone like me is fundamentally fucked because I'm fundamentally broken and unlikable. I'm a buzzkill incarnate. And I don't care what anyone says, no matter what it is you look like; NOBODY LIKES A BUZZKILL! Ergo, nobody will ever like me. It's really that simple. An ugly person who isn't a buzzkill has an infinitely better chance at enjoying life and finding people that love them, while me with my handsome face and straight white teeth will sit alone forever in his room, unloved and disliked by everyone.

Think of it this way. Picture two vehicles; one is some busted up jalopy and the other is some sleek looking BMW. The jalopy, despite its looks, is still functional and reliable, while the BMW is up on blocks and completely empty, with no engine, no tires, and no steering wheel. Only one is actually being capable of being driven, while the other is just a pretty looking hunk of junk. To knock home the point even further, there's this guy my brother tangentially knows whom I heard about via my mother. The guy is 4' tall, super scrawny, has crooked teeth, and is all around a pretty ugly looking guy. Pretty much everything is stacked against him in the looks department. However, despite all this, he's managed to acquire lots of friends, a beautiful wife, a large house, and a great well paid job. He doesn't come from money and has no other advantages. What he does apparently have though, is an ultra magnetic personality. He's upbeat, smart, super friendly, and pretty much everything people want to see out of another person. And then there's me. I blow this guy out of the water in terms of looks, yet am lacking in every single other category imaginable. I'm dumb as shit, socially awkward, shy to the point it's only annoying/tedious, SUUUUUPPPPEEERRRR high strung, severely mentally ill, and just a general unfun stick in the mud.

To be honest, I wish looks really were the end all and be all of everything, as so many others claim to say it is. I mean, how come that ugly guy is winning at life and I'm not? It kind of pisses me off, to be honest. I ought to be the one in his position; not him. FUCK HIM! But hey, I guess that's just another reason why I'm where I'm at. Unlike that guy, I'm a bitter and unlikable asshole. I hate the way things work, mostly because I know I'll always be on the losing/worst end of it. I'm just sick to death of people saying those with good looks have it easy. BULLSHITTTTTTTTTTTTT! Maybe if you're normal, then sure. Good looks are a huge advantage in life. That goes without saying. However, if your heart is filled with darkness and your head is filled with shit, then even the best looks imaginable LITERALLY MAKE NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL! That's such a god damned irrefutable fact of life, it hurts. I look at myself in the mirror and my good looks MOCK ME! After all these years, they've shown they mean absolutely NOTHING! The only thing worse than this, is being ugly on the outside and the inside. And no matter what anyone says, that's the fucking real killer. If you're ugly on the inside, then you're simply FUCKED! I don't care if you looked like Brad fucking Pitt. You. Are. FUCKED! So you have the best looks ever, what does it even mean if you're too afraid to even step outside? Answer me fucking that. "Durrrrrrr, just get therapy and start taking medication." Are you fucking kidding me? Do you really think that shit actually helps? That's as asinine and unrealistic a solution as telling a short and ugly person to just get plastic surgery and artificial stilts put in their legs. Deny it if you want, but it's the exact same fucking thing.

TL;DR: Ugly people with confidence have 10000000000000000000000x better odds at finding happiness than an ultra good looking person who's deeply mentally ill and unlikable. If you think otherwise, you're fucking wrong. You just are. My entire fucking life stands as a testament to your wrongness.

And here's a song that perfectly sums this whole rotten predicament up. Especially the lyrics below which play during the slow part in the middle.

A sickened mind and spirit
The mirror tells me lies
Could I mistake myself for someone
Who lives behind my eyes?
Will he escape my soul
Or will he live in me?
Is he trying to get out
Or trying to enter me?

Another song that sums up my shitty self because why not.

 

[reticen]

It's the Adam Driver effect. I'll keep saying it until it sticks.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I completely sympathize with you on all of that. I don't even think I'm anywhere near as good looking as you claim to be and yet my internal ugliness ravages every aspect of my life so I can feel being ugly in both areas and it really sucks. I wish I had a solution but if I knew it I most likely wouldn't even be here.

 

[Hirokami]

I've been considered conventionally attractive by a few people, though I'm skeptical of their judgment. My personality, however, well ... I know I'm a depressing, pessimistic fuck. I always talk down on myself while praising others. Though, at the same time, I have an elitist attitude and I'm a misanthropist aside from the few people I deeply care about. I also think I'm too good to do certain things, such as work fast food or retail; I would hate for people to look down on me as I look down on myself. I live to impress others, after all. I dislike myself at times as I don't see the beauty in myself that others in my life claim to do. I've tried fixing myself for years. While I've gotten slightly better, I'm still kind of a shitty person who's a drag to be around. I cope by just accepting my fate that I'll always be a negative, broken asshole.

 

[Imaginos]

It's the Adam Driver effect. I'll keep saying it until it sticks.

To be clear about what you mean, you're saying that Adam Driver isn't a very attractive looking guy, yet is a very successful and much sought after actor. His ugliness is not an impediment, since he makes up for it with raw talent and an upbeat personality. Is that correct?

I completely sympathize with you on all of that. I don't even think I'm anywhere near as good looking as you claim to be and yet my internal ugliness ravages every aspect of my life so I can feel being ugly in both areas and it really sucks. I wish I had a solution but if I knew it I most likely wouldn't even be here.

I appreciate your understanding. It's good to see someone else gets where I'm coming from here. I mean, I'm not male model level handsome, but I'm generally okay looking. It just sucks that this doesn't translate into anything at all for me, since my core problems are so pervasive (mental illness, spinelessness, emotional instability, et cetera) that they cripple every conceivable aspect of what's supposed to pass as my life, to the point I can't even step out the door by myself, or do anything at all on my own. Like yourself, if I wasn't so ugly on the inside, then I wouldn't even be here. I'd be outside actually enjoying life, instead of fantasizing about suicide all day and constantly hating myself for bearing said ugliness. It feels like a permanent curse on my soul that I can never make up for or hope to get rid of.

While I've gotten slightly better, I'm still kind of a shitty person who's a drag to be around. I cope by just accepting my fate that I'll always be a negative, broken asshole.

Same here. I really don't know what else can be done, frankly. Everything I do at this point is simply damage control. It'll never actually fix things for me, it'll just help to slow the decline and keep things relatively stable. Even then, I'm still stuck with my rotten little self. I can also sympathize with feelings of elitism and misanthropy. I seem to tick all the boxes for someone whom no one in their right mind would ever want be around. I think life sucks, I hate people, and I seem to always think that my opinion is the only correct one there is. It's tough to reckon the fact that, deep down, I was born to be some fucked up lunatic, utterly unsuited to life on this planet or being able to find even the faintest residue of love and happiness.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I'm apparently in the 100th percentile on "detachment" (PID-5, made a thread about it in recovery). This means that I avoid anxiety-ridden situations and can't connect to people emotionally. I avoid, or at least don't pursue, friendships or romantic relationships. I've never missed anyone, for example. I've also never felt the need to "catch up" with any old friends- out of sight, out of mind. There is one exception and that's certain women, but they (always one at a time) would count as anxiety-inducing situations that I, of course, avoid :)

 

[Callie Arcale]

This is what I posted on my profile page here on SS just the other day.


Conversation with my personal demon

Me: Do you think I'm pretty?
She: Oh don't be silly. You know very well appearance doesn't mean zilch. It's the inside that matters. And you are grotesque on the inside.


I think I understand where you are coming from, @Imaginos :-(
But I don't know how to fix it. It's hard to fix something when all I feel is disgust with myself. Besides, I've given up on life, so fixing things makes no sense. I just want to live a quiet and isolated existence, until my time is up.

 

[BornofDust]

I guess I'll start off by stating my own opinion on the matter. And that is, that even the ugliest people out there have a better shot at enjoying life than I do. I have perfectly straight piano key white teeth, my height is average, I have a decent physique, I stay in shape through regular exercise, I have nice thick hair, my genitals are of a normal size, and there's really nothing abnormal about my physical appearance whatsoever. Overall my looks could be defined as handsome, or at the very least slightly above average. Any you know what? It might as well mean fucking nothing. I'm emotionally unstable, socially retarded, agoraphobic, autistic, obsessive compulsive, and just generally mentally ill in numerous other ways. Here's the main difference between me; who's ugly on the inside, and someone else who's only ugly on the outside. They have POSSIBILITY. I have zero possibility. My mind is irreparably malformed and my spirit is a brittle as a dry twig. Even the most hideously ugly person can keep trying and, again, at least has the possibility to get something decent for themselves someday. Someone like me is fundamentally fucked because I'm fundamentally broken and unlikable. I'm a buzzkill incarnate. And I don't care what anyone says, no matter what it is you look like; NOBODY LIKES A BUZZKILL! Ergo, nobody will ever like me. It's really that simple. An ugly person who isn't a buzzkill has an infinitely better chance at enjoying life and finding people that love them, while me with my handsome face and straight white teeth will sit alone forever in his room, unloved and disliked by everyone.

Think of it this way. Picture two vehicles; one is some busted up jalopy and the other is some sleek looking BMW. The jalopy, despite its looks, is still functional and reliable, while the BMW is up on blocks and completely empty, with no engine, no tires, and no steering wheel. Only one is actually being capable of being driven, while the other is just a pretty looking hunk of junk. To knock home the point even further, there's this guy my brother tangentially knows whom I heard about via my mother. The guy is 4' tall, super scrawny, has crooked teeth, and is all around a pretty ugly looking guy. Pretty much everything is stacked against him in the looks department. However, despite all this, he's managed to acquire lots of friends, a beautiful wife, a large house, and a great well paid job. He doesn't come from money and has no other advantages. What he does apparently have though, is an ultra magnetic personality. He's upbeat, smart, super friendly, and pretty much everything people want to see out of another person. And then there's me. I blow this guy out of the water in terms of looks, yet am lacking in every single other category imaginable. I'm dumb as shit, socially awkward, shy to the point it's only annoying/tedious, SUUUUUPPPPEEERRRR high strung, severely mentally ill, and just a general unfun stick in the mud.

To be honest, I wish looks really were the end all and be all of everything, as so many others claim to say it is. I mean, how come that ugly guy is winning at life and I'm not? It kind of pisses me off, to be honest. I ought to be the one in his position; not him. FUCK HIM! But hey, I guess that's just another reason why I'm where I'm at. Unlike that guy, I'm a bitter and unlikable asshole. I hate the way things work, mostly because I know I'll always be on the losing/worst end of it. I'm just sick to death of people saying those with good looks have it easy. BULLSHITTTTTTTTTTTTT! Maybe if you're normal, then sure. Good looks are a huge advantage in life. That goes without saying. However, if your heart is filled with darkness and your head is filled with shit, then even the best looks imaginable LITERALLY MAKE NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL! That's such a god damned irrefutable fact of life, it hurts. I look at myself in the mirror and my good looks MOCK ME! After all these years, they've shown they mean absolutely NOTHING! The only thing worse than this, is being ugly on the outside and the inside. And no matter what anyone says, that's the fucking real killer. If you're ugly on the inside, then you're simply FUCKED! I don't care if you looked like Brad fucking Pitt. You. Are. FUCKED! So you have the best looks ever, what does it even mean if you're too afraid to even step outside? Answer me fucking that. "Durrrrrrr, just get therapy and start taking medication." Are you fucking kidding me? Do you really think that shit actually helps? That's as asinine and unrealistic a solution as telling a short and ugly person to just get plastic surgery and artificial stilts put in their legs. Deny it if you want, but it's the exact same fucking thing.

TL;DR: Ugly people with confidence have 10000000000000000000000x better odds at finding happiness than an ultra good looking person who's deeply mentally ill and unlikable. If you think otherwise, you're fucking wrong. You just are. My entire fucking life stands as a testament to your wrongness.

And here's a song that perfectly sums this whole rotten predicament up. Especially the lyrics below which play during the slow part in the middle.





Another song that sums up my shitty self because why not.

I relate tot this a lot. People have described me as " cute.' or whatever that means, and even handsome(personally I see myself as plain looking tbh) but like you I'm socially and mentally retarded. I unknowingly did things that caused people to call me a creep and destroy my reputation for good. As well as that I'm hypersensitive to a pathetic degree. And I pretty much destroy everything I touch. I'm constantly screwing things for myself and everyone else. I got literally fired from my job because of both my mental instability and me constantly screwing things up. I can't help but see and view myself with disgust. All I can see is just how disgusting and pathetic I am. And everyone else can see it, or at least " sense it." as well. Since everyone disrespects me, looks at me with complete disgust and contempt and calls me the " retarded kid." to my face and behind my back. From friends to family to bosses. So my " looks." never gave me and out for mistreatment unfortunately No one wants to deal with some one with " mental issues." or anything like that. Plus I'm so GOD DAMN NEEDY, as much of a loner I am and how much I try to not need anybody, I also want people's affections and love really bad, which adds to the disgust I feel about myself because why am I so pathetic that I constantly need love and affection(family would outright mock me for this sometimes) and no one likes needy people. I wish I wasn't like this. I'm trying still to train myself to not ever need it. So yeah if it makes you feel better, at least your not as disgusting and pathetic as I am, and I don't think you'll ever stoop so low at my level.

Plus yes there are a lot of people who may not be the best looking( beauty is the eye of the beholder so what's ugly to one person may be beautiful to someone else) gets to have everything else because of their personality, there are people who can be described as good-looking and attractive in the societal since AND the good personality that seems to prosper the most in society.

Nowadays I just try to avoid people whenever I can and try not to exist to the best of my abilities. I'm not just ugly, at least on the inside, I'm dis. I literally saw a post on Facebook a few years ago saying how they don't want to deal with " men with problems." and even with platonic relationships in general don't want to deal with people like me. So I completely understand where your coming from in a lot of ways. Society doesn't accept people like us because of our lack of functionality in society and so we are left to fend for ourselves.

I hope that you someday make peace with what your going though and find a way to make it more tolerable.

 

[reticen]

To be clear about what you mean, you're saying that Adam Driver isn't a very attractive looking guy, yet is a very successful and much sought after actor. His ugliness is not an impediment, since he makes up for it with raw talent and an upbeat personality. Is that correct?

Basically yeah. Intelligence, combined with his talent, confidence and success, fools people into thinking he is a lot more physically attractive than he actually is.

 

[Someonewhotypes]

Meanwhile there's some ugly person out there envious of your looks :P
I think plenty can be done even with just a part of the "package". I mean looks definitely have their reputation for a good reason, even in CVs, a good photo of a pretty person will always attract the recruiter's eye. Everyone likes pretty and first impressions are usually formed in the first moments when the person is met. I'm sure beauty contributes to making a good first impression.

On the other hand, being ugly and likeable on the inside requires more time from the other people to get convinced of "how nice a person you are" and some people would definitely judge the cover and not wait further.

Both have advantages and disadvantages I guess...that guy you gave as an example was a lucky one. But many probably struggle because of their looks, despite them being nice people on the inside.

I wish you luck with getting the most out of what you have! If you're good looking, that should at least give you some confidence!

 

[262653]

I look fine enough to catch a smile in the mirror, not a frown. It's enough of a benefit from being able to please myself as well as random strangers.

I don't know how attractive my insides are. My go-to strategy to trying to be honest. That way, should I ever meet the people who would like their image of me, they would like something that at least has some resemblance of the real me. It's easier that way to meet compatible people, and spares the effort spent on up-keeping lies.

 

[Imaginos]

I'm apparently in the 100th percentile on "detachment" (PID-5, made a thread about it in recovery). This means that I avoid anxiety-ridden situations and can't connect to people emotionally. I avoid, or at least don't pursue, friendships or romantic relationships. I've never missed anyone, for example. I've also never felt the need to "catch up" with any old friends

Damn, well that's basically me in a nutshell right there. Even as a young child, I would constantly avoid engaging with others socially. Even back then, I was too socially retarded and weak of heart to know how to properly interact with others. It's honestly a small miracle I was never bullied for this. Quite the contrary, all the other kids gave me every break and opportunity possible to come join them or to be their friends. And, you know, this kind of proves my point even further. I was a pretty cute and good looking kid, which I'd imagine played a not so insignificant role in attracting others to me. However, it was all for naught since I didn't possess any knowledge or ability to interact or connect emotionally with others, both out of pure fear and just flat out not knowing how to form a friendship with another human being.

I suffer from what you'd call APD (avoidant personality disorder). It's characterized by a deep seated fear of intimacy and a complete inability to form attachments with others.

When it comes down to it, I'm not even sure I'm capable of "love" as an emotion. I have massive physical intimacy issues and my self-loathing is so intense and deeply embedded at this point, that I honestly have no concept of what it's like to be anything else, assuming I ever had that capacity to be anything else to begin with.

If I ever had to take a similar sort of test to the one you mentioned, the results would demonstrably prove that my mind might as well be a tangled ball of torn up wires shooting sparks in every direction. I'd imagine that I'd be as far in the red as possible, in regards to indicating that a person is basically a completely hopeless fucking basketcase.

But I don't know how to fix it. It's hard to fix something when all I feel is disgust with myself. Besides, I've given up on life, so fixing things makes no sense. I just want to live a quiet and isolated existence, until my time is up.

Yeah, exactly. I don't know how, or if, this sort of thing can ever be fixed. In theory, I could've had a wonderful life, bolstered by my physical advantages, but instead they only served as the cruel punchline to my otherwise lonely and useless joke of a life. My good looks are nothing, but the salt in the wound. At the end of the day, they can't make up for what an otherwise horrible person I am and that I'm essentially doomed to be alone forever, since my heart and personality are fundamentally malformed and unlovable.

Basically yeah. Intelligence, combined with his talent, confidence and success, fools people into thinking he is a lot more physically attractive than he actually is.

Ah, okay then. I see what you mean, but I actually don't think he's that ugly to be honest. I mean, let's be honest, he's certainly no Steve Buscemi or Christopher Walken, but your point still stands. His additional qualities bolster his overall image and allow him to appear much more innately attractive than he otherwise would be without said qualities. Although, I feel that someone like the aforementioned Steve Buscemi is a better example of this. That dude is genuinely pretty ugly, but has managed to build a pretty successful and prolific Hollywood career for himself despite it all. Like Adam Driver, he's managed to overcome his pretty extreme physical shortcomings by being an otherwise happy, funny, and talented actor/person.

Everyone likes pretty and first impressions are usually formed in the first moments when the person is met. I'm sure beauty contributes to making a good first impression.

This is true, but that can only take you so far. Plus, if you're truly mentally fucked and ugly on the inside, then no one will even have a glimpse of you to begin with. Take me for instance. I'm agoraphobic and almost never leave the house. Without an opportunity to ever meet anyone who could be attracted by my good looks, they're effectively rendered worthless. Also keep in mind that good looks are fleeting. Eventually, as I get older, my good looks will diminish significantly, leaving only the remaining ugliness which my outside appearance would now match. For an ugly confident person, they will always have the possibility to turn things around, since they still carry an attractive and likeable personality.

Like I said, the only thing worse than being attractive on the outside and ugly on the inside, is being ugly in both categories. Let's structure it in the following way. That being in a column with the best at the top and the worst at the bottom:

Attractive inside and attractive outside
Ugly outside, but attractive inside
Attractive outside, but ugly inside
Ugly outside and ugly inside

As far as I'm concerned, this is something that needs to be stamped across the entire internet, or on to anyone that thinks all you need in life is good looks. It's a demonstrable fact that having a fundamentally ugly identity will destroy any chance one might have at ever enjoying life. For one thing, it totally destroys your capacity to even enjoy life a default. For example, an ugly person with a wonderful personality does not suffer from chronic depression or a crippling sense of anhedonia, on account of the fact that they're otherwise resilient and upbeat individuals brimming with hope and good feelings, who believe that they deserve happiness and a shot at having some fun in this life.

Now, are there occasionally really good looking, but super messed up and negative people that somehow manage to attract others to them? Yes, but they are the VASTLY rare minority. Just like how you pointed out with my example of the 4' ugly dude, people like this are the lone exception to an otherwise ironclad rule. It's even worse in the attractive person's case because any relationships they have will be fundamentally doomed to fail and probably only last a brief period. If they do manage to maintain them, they will be plagued with numerous hardships on account of their otherwise broken, defective and ugly personalities.

Take Robin Williams or Anthony Bourdain as examples. Outside they were attractive, and even projected an aura of an attractive personality, but inside they were fundamentally ugly and broken. Nothing they could ever do would bring them happiness. Outside of that, the fact that they could even pantomime a decent personality is more than I'll ever be able to do, which leaves me with none of the "perks" that sort of thing might bring, but that would ultimately not make me any happier or satisfied on account of how broken and unstable I am.

Being good looking in this case becomes more of a cruel joke, since it only teases at you the chance that things could've been a lot better than they are/were, but of course never will be on account of the ugliness which forever rests inside. I'm pretty physically attractive, but I'm also hateful, emotionally unstable, paranoid, selfish, and a hundred other things that make me equally unlikable and unlovable. The chances that I will ever enjoy life or find love are nonexistent. The odds of that have always rested at zero because who I am was fundamentally broken from the get-go. If I weren't agoraphobic and as super fucked up as I am, then perhaps I could leverage my looks to could get my foot in the door for some cheap sex, but even that will never happen for me. My good looks literally give me nothing in return, but pain whenever I look in the mirror and then think how even the ugliest motherfuckers imaginable with a strong sense of confidence have probably lived more in just one weekend versus my entire pathetically empty existence. Me as a good looking guy, am guilty sometimes of finding myself bitterly envying them for having what I don't have and, what's worse, will never have. That being, a likeable personality and the capacity to enjoy life and find love and not be buried alive by a mountain of personal demons and mental defects.

We can at least agree on the fact that those who are ugly in both categories are the most fucked in life. They not only have no advantages physically, but are also condemned, like me, to a profound ugliness of spirit that will leave them forever alone and unloved. If anyone knew me, they'd hate me. The moment I would open my mouth, is the moment they'd go screaming in the other direction. I'm useless and can't do anything right. I'm an overgrown manchild with no future and nothing to offer anyone. I'm emotionally unstable and weak. No woman on the planet could ever love a guy like me who can't even get his own life straight and, what's worse, is a just a generally hyper negative freak about everything.

Please tell me how exactly my good looks are supposed to make up for all this shit? It seems like the myth of good looks being all you need in life came from ugly people, who also have ugly personalities. They're lacking in looks, which is what they perceive is the main problem, when it's really the intense miasma they carry around in their souls that make them repellent to others. One needs both to get the absolute most of life, but the key ingredient is the capacity for others to love you for what you are, instead of it a corrosive poison that will forever keep everyone at bay and also leave you incapable of ever enjoying life the way normal people can, or really at all.

Either way, I appreciate that you think I might be able to still enjoy life somehow. My good looks give me zero confidence, but it's certainly better to have them versus not having them, even if they don't really give me much in return on account of how extremely isolated I am, in addition to the mental demons I have to grapple with which render them moot.

Another song which comes to mind to describe that I've been fucked from the start because who I am will always be at odds with life, our species and this planet.

It's a problem, you know
That's been there all your life

Fucking hell those lyrics in particular hit close to home.

 

[reticen]

I actually don't think he's that ugly to be honest.

That's part of the joke. Steve Buscemi is uglier for sure but he doesn't pose at being very attractive. I mean Driver gets paired with Scarlett Johansson in Marriage story and we are just supposed to buy it with no questions asked? Buscemi had to put in a ton of work to make his sex with Thora Birch believable.

 

[Imaginos]

Steve Buscemi is uglier for sure but he doesn't pose at being very attractive.

Yes, that's definitely true. Still, even though he's a remarkably ugly guy, he's managed to enjoy life far more than even most good looking people will ever manage to. Steve is a further example to the fact that even those who are physically ugly can still manage to win others over on account of how inherently likeable they are, as opposed to a good looking person who's a lame buzzkill that is never any fun to be around, like myself.

Buscemi had to put in a ton of work to make his sex with Thora Birch believable.

Hah, you're right of course. It actually reminds me of an episode from Tales from the Crypt called "Forever Ambergris". Steve plays as some photojournalist with a ridiculously hot wife who's completely devoted to him body and soul. I'll admit that, on a surface level, that required a HUGE suspension of disbelief. Still it's not entirely out of the realm of the possible, I guess. In the story, his wife claims to be madly in love with who he is, instead of what he looks like. So much so that,

Spoiler

she literally melts into goo to get revenge on the guy that murdered him in the end.

As someone who possess no depth or lovable qualities, it actually feels more believable to me now to think a situation like the one in that episode is more likely, than me ever being able to find any kind of satisfaction or joy out of life, despite the advantages I have in my appearance.

I hope that you someday make peace with what your going though and find a way to make it more tolerable.

Thanks. I wish the same to you as well. For what it's worth, I could just as heavily relate with much of what you said. Especially the part about being pathetically needy and always finding a way to fuck things up. I'm a complete and utter failure of a human being in every single respect. How in the hell is someone like me even supposed to exist on this planet? It's true that at least I have my decent looks, but they pale in comparison to the literal tsunami of other problems I suffer from and which render me a disgusting and useless pile of shit in the eyes of pretty much everyone. Like you pointed out, no one wants to deal with someone that has problems like mine. Some ultra needy freak who doesn't know how to take care of themselves, or know how to have a good time. And I honestly don't blame them. I'm fucked up and I suck. I have so many hang-ups and annoying idiosyncrasies that they might as well stretch around the moon and back again, like a long unbreakable chain of tangible and bottomless darkness. I carry so much god damned negativity my touch might as well drain the life from machinery.

Everything about me is unattractive and awful. Where is the way out for something like that? There's nothing redeemable in what I suffer from. No secret charming quality, or likeable quirk hidden beneath it all. I'm simply a useless pile of shit, who each day finds every aspect of himself compounded by the many innate character flaws that I harbor within myself and are essentially who I really am. I mean, everybody always says to be who you are, but what if who you are fucking sucks? What the hell are you supposed to do then? Pretend to be something other than who you are and, of course, only fail miserably in the act?

I think this touches at the age old fact that life just isn't fair. Some people, like me, just aren't meant to be with others, on account of how messed up and unlikable they are. All on account of bad fucking luck and that who I am was destined to be alone and not have one redeemable quality, outside of a couple fleeting physical advantages, that I don't even have the means to capitalize on anyways. I don't know, man. It's just such a shitty thing to reckon with. The fact that I was born to be this unlikable piece of shit, this irritating basketcase, this bitter asshole, all that stuff. I've just got so many god damned problems that suffocate, sabotage and smother every single aspect of my life. It's not fucking fair. Death is literally the only thing that can redeem me my sorry fucking life.

My go-to strategy to trying to be honest. That way, should I ever meet the people who would like their image of me, they would like something that at least has some resemblance of the real me. It's easier that way to meet compatible people, and spares the effort spent on up-keeping lies

Yes, I fully agree. I also subscribe to a policy of unvarnished honesty and that, when it comes to who I am, what you see; is exactly what you get. In other words, an empty headed fucking nincompoop with mental health problems out the ying yang. I won't pretend to be something I'm not, since to do so would only invite disaster and be an utterly self-defeating course of action anyway. Many people out there tend to play elaborate games of pretend with both themselves and those they associate with. Carefully maintaining their pre-constructed outward image. Heck, even my own brother is pretty guilty of this. In regards to putting forward a manufactured front for others to see, that resembles nothing about who he really is. Many of his relationships have fallen apart on account of this, since sooner or later the real him comes through, and in turn the real nature comes out from the other person he's with as well, and they both realize they have nothing in common with one another. To his credit, my brother at least has other redeeming qualities that allow him to make up for his flaws. Whereas with me, there's really nothing else, but the flaws.

In that sense, I know that I'm truly doomed, since there's nothing within who I am that makes me appealing. I'm like a sick and rabid dog. A sick and rabid dog isn't capable of keeping up any sort of appearances, since its condition is as bluntly visible as possible. However, it's still a diseased animal that can do no good for anyone and, in the end, can only be put down for the betterment of everyone, since its the only considerable recourse to its otherwise incurable condition. And, ultimately, that's what I fucking am. A crazed lunatic suffering from a deeply advanced rabies of the mind, with a great big hole where my soul/heart ought to be.

And again, here's another song that comes to mind that totally sums up what an internally wretched creature I am.

Nothing seems to
Work out right
Nothing I do ever seems to
Work out right

And I can feel it building -
Failure
I can't get what I want
I'm a failure
Nothing seems to
Work out right
The way I planned
I can't express the way I feel
The way I feel
Without fucking up
Something else
I'm a failure

 

[reticen]

For what it is worth, your high quality posts make you likable here.

 

[Imaginos]

For what it is worth, your high quality posts make you likable here.

Thanks. I'm just glad that there's finally somewhere I can express how I feel again. I went close to a year without one (in a lot of ways though it was actually a lot longer) and needless to say that really wasn't fun. It was downright excruciating, in fact. A constant torture sitting atop another constant torture. Having all this stuff fester in me, as it so often does, requires some kind of a release. A purging of all the bile and venom of my soul, as it were. Thankfully I had my mother to talk to, and still do. Otherwise, I can imagine that I would've broken through to new levels of madness not previously experienced and who knows where I would've been following it, or what that would've meant. Pain beyond my current imagining is all I can be sure of.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I'm not a pretty sight. That was a concern of mine from as long as I can remember. It still is. But I got married, and after the marriage I had a few adventures and even more chances that I didn't take. Didn't have a lot of friends and I partly attribute this to my looks.

But every time I had something, my personality fucked it over. Even before looks became a thing, I was extremely shy and awkward, even more so than now. Throwing tantrums, thinking everybody is ridiculing me, avoiding people, being way to serious and just abismal at small talk. I was always a bit eccentric.

So, yes, I can relate, kind of. I think better looks would have given me an edge, but that is wishful thinking. I seriously doubt I would be able to use this to my advantage.

 

[Makko]

I embrace the inside ugliness and revel in it like a pig in mud.

 

[Imaginos]

I embrace the inside ugliness and revel in it like a pig in mud.

There exist certain kinds of unconventional ugliness that can almost a bear a unique type of attraction of their own, at least to similar sorts of people anyway. I'm not sure the same can be said of the particular ugliness that I bear, which reeks of weakness and abject instability. An ugliness like that has nothing inherently redeemable and is essentially disliked by everyone. For instance, someone who has a twisted or morbid sense of humor might be deemed ugly on the inside by some people, but will find common ground with others who are attracted by and share that particular quality. This is effectively impossible when considering severely unlikable definitions of ugliness, at least of the kind I personally suffer from, since even those who are similarly ugly in this regard will be equally put off by it, just as anyone else who does not bear this type of ugliness would be.

Even before looks became a thing, I was extremely shy and awkward, even more so than now. Throwing tantrums, thinking everybody is ridiculing me, avoiding people, being way to serious and just abismal at small talk. I was always a bit eccentric.

Yeah, that's more or less what I suffer from as well. My good looks may get me some fleeting brownie points on a first impression (however since I'm agoraphobic I don't even have the luxury of enjoying this "perk"), but in the long haul the ugliness inside of myself would ruin everything. Or, and here's something that's equally as important that I haven't mentioned yet, would leave me as easy prey for others to take advantage of. What I mean by that, is that I'd be so concerned over trying not to ruin things on account of my hang-ups, that someone could be fooling around with me and I probably wouldn't even realize it, due to me desperately trying to make things work on my end. I've heard that people who suffer from APD tend to seek negative relationships, since this is all they feel they deserve. Well, fortunately, I've managed to avoid that, but probably only because I never go anywhere or meet anyone. If I had, I'm sure I might've fallen guilty of making this mistake.

It's good however that you managed to have some fun at certain points along the way in your life. The things that allowed you do that, are the sorts of things I'll never have, for they do not exist in me to begin with. I have no doubt that better looks would've given you an edge in your dealings with others, but if you're like me, and do not even have the capacity to be in a situation where said looks can give you that edge in the first place. What with being someone who never meets anyone, talks with anyone, or goes anywhere, this effectively renders those good looks useless. The ugliness and weakness that rests inside me affixes me to this house I call both sanctuary and prison, the same way a literal anchor affixes a ship to the sea floor and prevents it from moving. This is the central core of why I believe good looks are always beaten out by a decent and likable personality. Without the internal fortitude to go anywhere or meet anyone, then whatever one's appearances are, good or bad, have no bearing on anything. This is why I almost get angry whenever I think about my predicament too much, since it feels like a really cruel joke had at my expense. Like a caged animal which is otherwise healthy and given an opportunity to for freedom, but does not posses the inherent experience to allow it to survive in a normal capacity, thereby leaving it trapped and unable to live in the way it would otherwise wish to.

I'm not sure if you're privy to it, but there's an episode of the Twilight Zone called "Time Enough at Last". At the end of the episode, the guy has all the peace/quiet/time in the world to read as many books as he wants. However, once his glasses suddenly break, his good fortune is rendered dismally pointless. He does not have the means to enjoy what is set before him, in much the same way that I do not either. It's not the best example, I'll admit, but I just thought I'd throw it out there as a rough illustration of what my predicament is and feels like.

Another kind of example that comes to mind, at least to illustrate my personal ugliness, would be the character of Shinji Ikari from the anime Evangelion. It's basically a long running meme at this point that everyone hates Shinji because he's so neurotic and spineless, to the point that many dismiss him as simply an annoying little bitch. Well, there you have it. The very essences of what everyone hates about his character, is also the very essence of the ugliness I personally bear. Shinji has absolutely no problems as far as his looks are concerned, yet most of the characters on the show, along with a good contingent of the audience, think of him as nothing more than a dumb, unlikable wimp. The character known as Asuka can be considered as the epitome of someone who is absolutely disgusted by him on account of his abysmally low self-esteem and his otherwise rotten, self-pitying personality.

For what it's worth, I actually like Shinji and identify with him a great deal. I suppose I would of course, since he and I are practically identical on the inside, short of the few good qualities he manages to exhibit every now and again, unlike myself. Even Shinji isn't as pathetic or ugly on the inside as I am.

 

[stygal]

I wouldn't say that I am the nicest or mentally healthiest person ever but I think we vastly overestimate the character of the majority of people we meet. Most of everyone is flawed in some way - for example "innocent" and "happy-go-lucky" seeming people with no diagnosed personality disorders still cheat, lie to to their spouses and/or do all kinds of stuff. It really should put it into perspective - I guess most of us here might overthink relationships a lot.

For me it has been all about interpersonal experiences I had to make in the past to "figure out" what was working and what didn't - for example it's better to be upfront about your mental health than keeping it a secret to someone you want to connect with on a deeper level or talk about what's going on in general. I also learned from past mistakes of hurting people in a way I wouldn't want them to hurt me yet I was too self-absorbed to reflect about it during that time and only later when I lost contact to some I realized what an asshole I had been.

Nevertheless it is definitely harder to make the first steps and actually getting to meet people or re-connecting when you have some kind of mental disorder, I agree.

I find it hard to keep up with friendships or relationships since I don't like smalltalk or am not really too interested in people who don't have things in common with me and even then I start to isolate myself and sometimes stop talking after awhile. But still wouldn't call my self "fundamentally ugly" on the inside just really difficult and somewhat overwhelmed in social situations.

 

[Imaginos]

Most of everyone is flawed in some way - for example "innocent" and "happy-go-lucky" seeming people with no diagnosed personality disorders still cheat, lie to to their spouses and/or do all kinds of stuff. It really should put it into perspective - I guess most of us here might overthink relationships a lot.

Yes, this is definitely true. No one on this planet is a saint and, in fact, they often seem to be anything, but. Even the "nicest" and most likeable people can still display grotesque levels of ugliness, such to the point that many will get hurt as a result of it.

However, (and this is a BIG however), as much as this is the case, and despite all their ugly misdeeds, those who occupy this category can still get on with themselves and manage to enjoy life. Let's also remember that there are many different shades of ugliness. Some are temporary, some are ambiguous and could be seen as not so ugly to other people (sadists while amongst other sadists might still find those who enjoy their company), and some, like mine, are utterly crippling and universally unlikable. Even those who lie, cheat, steal and screw around, can still manage a level of confidence that allows them the possibility to reap some positive benefits from life. Even if they're an unkind bastard, or are deceitful, or any number of other awful things, they can still chart a course through life that might lead them to someone that could love them for what they are, as ugly as it is.

Helplessness, depression, cowardliness, neuroticism, emotional frailness, et cetera. All of these things are deeply unattractive to everyone. I think this speaks to the true horror of the world, that even barbarism is more of an unspoken attractive quality, versus abject weakness and vulnerability. Most people, whether they admit to it or not, find those who wallow in their weaknesses to be viscerally nauseating, even moreso than someone whom they might know has done terrible things to others, or is otherwise a terrible/harmful person. In other words, in the calculus of what people would prefer, they'd rather take someone who can temper/disguise their internal ugliness with something socially appealing (even if that ugliness is far more dangerous/damaging), versus someone like me who's just a lame buzzkill, but has ugliness that is otherwise harmless/tiresome. Although, at the same time, it can be argued that it's equally as damaging in the long run, just in different ways. At least in the sense of slowly draining someone of their life force and inadvertently dragging them down into the mire as a consequence of proximity.

Nevertheless it is definitely harder to make the first steps and actually getting to meet people or re-connecting when you have some kind of mental disorder, I agree.

Indeed, this is exactly what causes a lot large part of the problems here. If you're too mentally ill in the wrong ways, then there's, simply put, nothing you'll ever be able to do. PERIOD! If you can't do anything as a starter, then all possibility is forever denied to you. That's why even the ugliest of people, whether it be in a purely physical sense or even internally as well (as in ugliness which might make them mean, but not incapacitated), are light years ahead of where I'm at, even if I might have the clear advantage over them physically. My very psyche, and the many mental health problems that exist therein, precludes even the tiniest residue of hope for myself that anything positive will ever happen in my life.

Without the capacity to feel joy, or love, or happiness, and without the capacity to inspire those feelings in others (only the exact opposite, in fact) then, on the most fundamental level possible, I truly have no reason to remain alive, and am an example of someone who is demonstrably better off dead in every conceivable way. Worse still, by a consequence of my continued existence, I can only feel the agony of my predicament come through that much more acutely with each passing day, as I see myself sink deeper and deeper into what ultimately makes me more unattractive than any other type of person out there, handsome looks and all. Bitterness, anger, sadness, hopelessness, self-hate, et cetera. The longer I live, the more these twisted monuments which make up my personality grow in size, such to the point where that's literally all that's left, assuming there was ever anything else.

This is why life will always be a nightmare for me and why I'll always be alone. Someone's who's physically ugly will never know these kinds of abyssal depths, unless they themselves are also internally disfigured in the same way. For those who merely struggle with the challenges of their physical appearance, they ought to count themselves god damned lucky. They frankly have no idea what's it's like to be TRULY fucked in life and the reasons for that are simple. They have a mind that's functional and a heart that hasn't shriveled up into a ball of pure death. Without these two positively key things in working order, a person is not actually alive and therefore can never receive or enjoy anything ever.