Discussion Anyone else feel little to no emotion about their eventual ctb?

[StrugglingSienna]

A lot of people here seem really, really incredibly torn up about their eventual death. I used to be like that too, but as the months have gone by still feeling this way, thinking about suicide and my dysphoria, I feel like I've processed pretty much all my emotions.

I've processed my dysphoria.
I've processed the incredible guilt I feel for leaving my family like this.
I've processed all the things I could experience in life if I chose to go on, and weighed them against the dysphoria I feel.
Suicidal thoughts are no longer strange and scary to me. They're the usual.

I'm no longer crying myself to sleep at night terrified of what I might do to myself. I now know what I'm going to do to myself. I've processed the why's, I've chosen the how. All that is left to do is to figure out the when, and to make whatever final preparations I'm able to muster for my family.

I plan on making a recording of my voice for my family in addition to my suicide note, and I now know I won't be crying during any part of it.

Suicide is not an emotional choice for me anymore, it's a rational one for the terminal mental illness I have.

I've accepted my fate.

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate. I'm completely numb about it. I've been thinking about it for decades. Once the last person that loves me dies I'm out.

 

[Halfhourdays]

I dunno, I've developed a sense of humor about the whole thing. I have to ctb around roommates (other felons here in my halfway house) and so I have to be kind of sneaky. I've got adult diapers, buckets for vomiting into, white noise machines to cover the sounds of my death rattle, etc., all lined up.

I'll be found in a diaper next to a bucket full of vomit (my method is SN) by a felon (the dude I share a room with).

The whole thing has become a weird inside joke with myself.

 

[goneangels]

i don't feel anything about it. i know i will end up dying by my own hand. i don't really mind when or how. i know it'll suck for everyone around me but... they should also probably know by now, to be honest!

 

[Zoro1029]

I am at peace with it now. I have everything I need to CBT with SN aside from some testing I have planned for this week. Otherwise the only thing I'm worried about is being found or interrupted before I can pass.

I also see it as the only rational option for myself at this point. Society is rapidly declining and I dont want to face the horrors that are coming. I want to go out on my own terms and I feel confident in it.

 

[unnaturalmovement]

it all feels weird lately you know
like im dead already lol..

 

[snwcolt]

A lot of people here seem really, really incredibly torn up about their eventual death. I used to be like that too, but as the months have gone by still feeling this way, thinking about suicide and my dysphoria, I feel like I've processed pretty much all my emotions.

I've processed my dysphoria.
I've processed the incredible guilt I feel for leaving my family like this.
I've processed all the things I could experience in life if I chose to go on, and weighed them against the dysphoria I feel.
Suicidal thoughts are no longer strange and scary to me. They're the usual.

I'm no longer crying myself to sleep at night terrified of what I might do to myself. I now know what I'm going to do to myself. I've processed the why's, I've chosen the how. All that is left to do is to figure out the when, and to make whatever final preparations I'm able to muster for my family.

I plan on making a recording of my voice for my family in addition to my suicide note, and I now know I won't be crying during any part of it.

Suicide is not an emotional choice for me anymore, it's a rational one for the terminal mental illness I have.

I've accepted my fate.

Abso fucking loutely. This is a way I think to really spot the sincere "I'm fuckin done" ppl like myself from the "I'm not really sure and maybe just want some attention" types. As you pointed out emotion isn't even part of it for me anymore. It's unfortunate that my family will be upset and it's possible I'll end up missing out on something worthwhile. But it's so goddamn obvious to me that it's what I want and it's just the logical decision. Objectivity is what it really comes down to. Living or dying is too important to let sentimentality fuck up your decision making and IDGAF if anyone thinks I'm the one being irrational because I know with total confidence that it's quite the opposite

 

[StrugglingSienna]

it all feels weird lately you know
like im dead already lol..

Yeah, pretty much. Makes it difficult to function. I know I have to keep living life as normal until the date I have set for myself, but maintaining that minimum level of functioning until then? Challenging.

 

[snwcolt]

Yeah, pretty much. Makes it difficult to function. I know I have to keep living life as normal until the date I have set for myself, but maintaining that minimum level of functioning until then? Challenging.

It is challenging but what I've found most helpful is to keep reminding myself that who tf cares what happens in my daily activity since I'll be gone soon anyway. Doing this, I find myself switching from freaking out about stuff to laughing at how little igaf quite often

 

[cjt11203]

I actually get excited of the possibility of actually going through with it. I discovered this site today and learned about N and SN and been hyper fixated for the past 6 hours.

 

[grungy自殺]

Suicide is not an emotional choice for me anymore, it's a rational one for the terminal mental illness I have.

That is so fucking true......

This is the reason that i don't want to say to anyone about how i'm feeling..

I have to die for the sake of helping my old self have the peace that it deserves

literally i've been in a stage where i would be so emotional torn at seeing the final moments of someone ending their life (livestreams) and me conforming myself with ai on how i've simulate a conversation with someone about how i really feel and it gets numb and numb the more i get exposed to it

I really think it;s for the best if i could do it and not face any repercussions

It wouldn't matter whatever happens to anyone because literally i'm gone and i don't have to face or see the aftermath of what happened

 

[StrugglingSienna]

Abso fucking loutely. This is a way I think to really spot the sincere "I'm fuckin done" ppl like myself from the "I'm not really sure and maybe just want some attention" types. As you pointed out emotion isn't even part of it for me anymore. It's unfortunate that my family will be upset and it's possible I'll end up missing out on something worthwhile. But it's so goddamn obvious to me that it's what I want and it's just the logical decision. Objectivity is what it really comes down to. Living or dying is too important to let sentimentality fuck up your decision making and IDGAF if anyone thinks I'm the one being irrational because I know with total confidence that it's quite the opposite

Yeah... like I'm not ever going to call someone a faker directly on this website, but from reading someone's posts and how they're written, you can definitely gauge their likelihood of surviving an attempt pretty well. Those members who lack much emotion tend to not return.

People can call us irrational all they want, because they are projecting their outlook on life onto us. According to our values and our interests and our knowledge of ourselves, we are the only ones who can really know if ctb is a rational choice for ourselves.

It is challenging but what I've found most helpful is to keep reminding myself that who tf cares what happens in my daily activity since I'll be gone soon anyway. Doing this, I find myself switching from freaking out about stuff to laughing at how little igaf quite often

Oh, for sure. I've been much less stressed out lately because every time something annoying happens, exactly, I remind myself I won't be around long anyways so who gives a shit. It's quite a peaceful state of being, honestly.

 

[Lo$t95]

Oh, for sure. I've been much less stressed out lately because every time something annoying happens, exactly, I remind myself I won't be around long anyways so who gives a shit. It's quite a peaceful state of being, honestly.

Going through phases at the moment. Content / relaxed then anxious / panicky I am trying to figure out what causes me to shift from one to the other.

I think I might just be thinking about it too much. Suicide isn't an intimidating task but I feel like I am rehearsing it too much in my head and at some point my body naturally releases the stress (cortisol) in response.

Do you never get stressed out at all anymore?
It's irrational but I still do sometimes.

 

[TotalEclipse]

Yes, I've reached the point where I don't feel conflicted or scared about it anymore. My only worries at the moment are my pills getting to me, my dad not interfering with the mail once they arrive, and them being fake (not containing any sort of narcotic.)

 

[gothbird]

Yeah, I relate to this more than I probably should admit.

People think suicide is always chaos—tears, shaking hands, last minute panic. And sometimes it is. But not always.

You're not numb. You're processed.

When you've lived with this for long enough, especially with dysphoria or chronic mental illness, the fear starts to burn off. The grief calcifies into facts. The panic gets replaced with plans. It's emotional fatigue that's moved into acceptance.

I respect the recording idea. It's one of those kindnesses most people won't even know how to receive properly. But you're doing it anyway. That tells me everything I need to know about the kind of person you are.

You don't owe anyone tears if you don't have any left. Some exits are calm. That doesn't make them less real.