Anyone else feel like you have to be in a rush to ctb, because the longer you are suicidal, the worse everyone will treat you?

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Let's be honest, the "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" narrative has served no purpose but to demonize those who suffer from long term ideation.

The longer you remain suicidal, the worse people treat you. Labels of attention seeking, histrionics/dramatisation, etc begin to crop up. Others get tired of listening to what they consider to be a broken record. After opening up the first couple of times, people begin to tire of hearing what you have to say about the matter.

Your struggles are no longer seen as serious, because a binary outcome is expected to arise after you confess to the cardinal sin of suicidality. You either "recover" and stop being suicidal, or you die. The state of stagnation and despair that lies in between these two extremes fails to be recognized.

I feel like I just need to hurry it up and force myself to ctb, lest I experience even worse torment up till the bitter end. The longer this drags out, the more horrible my life becomes. The reality is my chronic illnesses are never going away, yet everyone expects me to "be strong" and get on with things regardless of the fact that I am always tired, in pain, or both.

There's only so much tenacity, grit, and perseverance someone can exude before they snap. My inability to put on a mask and pretend to be happy with my awful life circumstances pushes people away and drives me further into this agonising pit of hopelessness.

I have become accustomed to abandonment and the harsh reality that I have lost everything because most people my age want to be around fun-loving party goers who they want to spread their DNA with. Not autistic, physically disabled losers who can't even put makeup on and feign attractiveness without being attacked by a busted immune system. I feel like a wounded animal who has been left for dead by the herd.


The longer I am suicidal and unable to bend myself into shape- the shape being a life script following worker drone who genuinely enjoys the moment and looks forward to surviving as long as possible-the worse it gets for me. I know my only option is to end my life, so I don't understand why it is so hard for me to make the final cut and drink the damn SN.

I truly want to be done!!

 

[deflationary]

I think you're on to something with that. People tire quickly of others' problems (if they can ever be bothered about them at all), so if you're suicidal and care about having normie friends, you're gonna have to put on a brave face and hide your true feelings. Which is of course alienating and kinda eliminates the point of having friends in the first place. Just another way in which misery begets more misery. Life is unfair and I'm sorry you're in that situation.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

They are waiting for you to get your act together. Start appreciating capeshit, pupperinos, Starbucks and wageslavery:

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

They are waiting for you to get your act together. Start appreciating capeshit, pupperinos, Starbucks and wageslavery:

Don't forget the most important thing of them all, funko pops. Now those truly make life worth living

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Don't forget the most important thing of them all, funko pops. Now those truly make life worth living

Work, eat, buy, consume then die. Oh, and don't forget to travel!

 

[Fakereality]

life is a maze of misery which hides hideous surprises behind every random door, people often underestimates how strong minded you need to be to contemplate the thoughts of ending your existence it's not a sign of weakness by any means a human going against it's own survival instinct and fear to see the logical door out and taking it is a sign of courage if anything beside it's not something which can ever be stopped by locking that individual inside a mental ward it's society itself which forces,influences and pushes people onto that route a logical sensible solution is what ctb is which an individual is fully capable of making, but well the ideologies of masses are all about hypocrisy and irony in which they like to swim in.
That said i can definitely see that the longer i stay the worst my situation is going to become and it's already worsening as i speak the mask i wear daily is getting weaker and weaker luckily my ctb date is coming very soon can't wait to leave this dark joke of a world behind.

 

[Insomniac]

Yes and, I did notice that as my will for life is weakening, people around me are becoming increasingly abusive. It's because I stopped defending myself and even worse, I self-harm when I'm attacked.

but honestly, what I find even more terrifying is how little humanity I have left. It's like my heart has become so cold and my mind is drifting quickly into utter amorality.

It's very hard to feel compassion for anyone or anything now. Sometimes I'll watch a movie, and feel a tiny bit of compassion for the evil guy in the movie.

I have so little humanity left that I'll let people abuse me simply because I don't care about myself or about them. I don't mind letting the people close to me fall into that kind of dark and selfdestructive behaviour (of abusing psychologically weaker people) since I no longer care about them. They can be as evil as they want and ultimately and end up selfdestructing. I don't mind.

and this is what I find really sad. I wonder what exactly has gone so wrong with me. but this is a vicious circle. the more I see myself like this, the less I like myself, the less I want to protect myself, the more vulnerable I become, the more it triggers a primitive instinct of abuse in others (knowing that there is no consequence to abusing me). I wonder if I even love myself enough to mercy kill myself. it'd be horrifying to get to the point of feeling so much alienation that I end up not minding staying alive.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I would never tell anyone that I was suicidal. Non suicidal people will never be able to comprehend what it is like. Many people live under a delusion that life is always worth living and dismiss those who are suicidal as being irrational. In many cases, suicide can be the only thing that can make sense. Of course even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. It is very difficult to actually ctb. If only there was a way to just disappear. I wish you the best, no matter what happens. I hope you find peace.

 

[that_guy2611]

yes.

 

[Emu]

Yep

 

[Beeper]

Let's be honest, the "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" narrative has served no purpose but to demonize those who suffer from long term ideation.

The longer you remain suicidal, the worse people treat you. Labels of attention seeking, histrionics/dramatisation, etc begin to crop up. Others get tired of listening to what they consider to be a broken record. After opening up the first couple of times, people begin to tire of hearing what you have to say about the matter.

Your struggles are no longer seen as serious, because a binary outcome is expected to arise after you confess to the cardinal sin of suicidality. You either "recover" and stop being suicidal, or you die. The state of stagnation and despair that lies in between these two extremes fails to be recognized.

I feel like I just need to hurry it up and force myself to ctb, lest I experience even worse torment up till the bitter end. The longer this drags out, the more horrible my life becomes. The reality is my chronic illnesses are never going away, yet everyone expects me to "be strong" and get on with things regardless of the fact that I am always tired, in pain, or both.

There's only so much tenacity, grit, and perseverance someone can exude before they snap. My inability to put on a mask and pretend to be happy with my awful life circumstances pushes people away and drives me further into this agonising pit of hopelessness.

I have become accustomed to abandonment and the harsh reality that I have lost everything because most people my age want to be around fun-loving party goers who they want to spread their DNA with. Not autistic, physically disabled losers who can't even put makeup on and feign attractiveness without being attacked by a busted immune system. I feel like a wounded animal who has been left for dead by the herd.


The longer I am suicidal and unable to bend myself into shape- the shape being a life script following worker drone who genuinely enjoys the moment and looks forward to surviving as long as possible-the worse it gets for me. I know my only option is to end my life, so I don't understand why it is so hard for me to make the final cut and drink the damn SN.

I truly want to be done!!

Yes, I do feel as though I should just take action and get things over with.

I also share the inability to put on a mask and keep things positive in front of other people. I typically speak what's on my mind and quite often it's dark themes about the cruelty of existence with mental illness.

It has gotten to the point of alienating myself from friends and family because they don't want to hear about depression and suicide. Quite often they would change the subject or imply that I should just snap out of it. If only it was as simple as flipping a switch, then places like this would never exist.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Yes, I do feel as though I should just take action and get things over with.

I also share the inability to put on a mask and keep things positive in front of other people. I typically speak what's on my mind and quite often it's dark themes about the cruelty of existence with mental illness.

It has gotten to the point of alienating myself from friends and family because they don't want to hear about depression and suicide. Quite often they would change the subject or imply that I should just snap out of it. If only it was as simple as flipping a switch, then places like this would never exist.

I understand completely how you feel. I have been told so many times to simply get over it, appreciate the small things, find a purpose, stop complaining, etc.

It got to a point where my partner's grandmother started telling him to stop caring about me so much because "other people like herself and auntie so and so have health problems too and they don't complain all the time, they just get over it."

You're spot on with the assumption that they expect us to simply flip a switch and be normie. I can tell people I've tried over 20 different medications and my cfs, ibs, autism, chronic pain, and ptsd aren't going away. I can tell them about all the lifestyle changes I tried, all the grindset mindset bullshit I subjected myself to. It falls on deaf ears.

They will always pontificate that there's something we are failing to do. Steps we aren't taking to "improve our lives." Nothing is ever enough.

I put myself through horrifying therapy where they tried to train the autism out of me by forcing me to make eye contact and scolding me when I couldn't complete this task. Of course this accomplished absolutely nothing besides making me even more unconfident and fearful of being judged.

Then people have the balls to give their oh so nuanced opinion that I just didn't want to put in the work of finding the right therapist. I have been to over a dozen of them. They have made my PTSD WORSE, and exacerbated my physical health issues too by trying to force me to do things outside my energy envelope.

The isolation that stems from being understood by no one and essentially being a fugitive of thought crime is what will kill me in the end honestly.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Agreed. In fact, being open about my suicidal ideation had cost me my relationship. Now, I'm just trying to tidy up affairs before I CTB. There is no empathy for the pain that pushed us into choosing death and my utter lack of value is made clearly to me.

So death it is, I guess.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yeah you pretty much summarized the agonizing experience of being trapped in this purgatory between life and death. Just watching your life pass before your eyes as a helpless bystander.

Death is coming regardless. Suicide is just picking the time instead of letting death happen to you.

 

[Versailles]

They are waiting for you to get your act together. Start appreciating capeshit, pupperinos, Starbucks and wageslavery:

Hey @GenesAndEnvironment , can you explain to me a little what you wanted? say haha, we are not all from the first world

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Hey @GenesAndEnvironment , can you explain to me a little what you wanted? say haha, we are not all from the first world

I was basically roasting the "first world". Nothing important, lol.

 

[Versailles]

I was basically roasting the "first world". Nothing important, lol.

Ñ

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Sometimes I think that if I died now, at least memories of me would be happy. At least my loved one's last memories wouldn't be of a wretched man panicking and losing his mind.

It is absolutely incredible the level of alienation and despair that is possible in a life of debilitation and chronic illness.

I have not felt one moment of genuine happiness in around 6 years now.
I wake up to a panic attack every morning without fail. I'm 30 years old.
It never gets any easier. Every fibre of my being aches for the life without chronic pain I once had. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't constantly, unbearably hard. At least there was hope for little concessions, little pleasures to distract from inevitable doom.
Good food, company, music. Picnics, a good book, a nice drive. All are flavourless in this Void, all are utterly meaningless.
Just watching helplessly as time passes by, knowing you've only got this one chance at life and it's ruined beyond repair. Knowing that you urgently need a change but there's utterly nothing you can do.
Knowing that absolutely no amount of effort or willpower can save you from endless torment. It's a living nightmare that I would have been unable to fathom before I ended up here.

In my case it is particularly painful as I grew up with only one parent and they suffered from chronic illness which frightened me. Fearing the loss of my only parent from the age of 7 certainly wasn't something I relished.
To be in this position myself since the age of 21 is pure torture. The panic never goes away. I've read thousands of articles but there is utterly no peace here.
Also once one knows how this feels, all the ugliness of the world is magnified a million fold.
It makes me hate humanity- all the greed, violence, and deprivation. The desperation. The hypocrisy.
The starving children. The war. The cruelty and hatred. The ego and arrogance, judgement, condemnation and opinions, just like the one I'm having now.

I'm legitimately going insane- unable to control my own thoughts, as if my mind is possessed by an unseen force.
I must have done something pretty terrible in a past life to warrant this Terror. Pity I'll never know what it is. I certainly haven't harmed anyone or done anything in THIS plane that could warrant such an utterly abhorrent outcome.

I'd die right now if it'd bring peace to you all. How, and why, did we end up in this Hell!?

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Yes it will only get worse as you age.

 

[Dot]

"Sometimes I think that if I died now, at least memories of me would be happy. At least my loved one's last memories wouldn't be of a wretched man panicking and losing his mind. "

Rel8

 

[8evergo]

just like you i feel i am waiting for my CTB partner

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

just like you i feel i am waiting for my CTB partner

If you've gotta end yourself it'd be so much easier with someone to do it with. Take N/your method of choice and just hug them until it's over.

Do you worry that they might change their mind/turn on you?

I think it's good to pick someone with a physical, rather than purely psychological, problem; I hypothesize that they're less likely to abandon the act, although I can't say this with absolute conviction.

 

[WeslieZX]

Let's be honest, the "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" narrative has served no purpose but to demonize those who suffer from long term ideation.

The longer you remain suicidal, the worse people treat you. Labels of attention seeking, histrionics/dramatisation, etc begin to crop up. Others get tired of listening to what they consider to be a broken record. After opening up the first couple of times, people begin to tire of hearing what you have to say about the matter.

Your struggles are no longer seen as serious, because a binary outcome is expected to arise after you confess to the cardinal sin of suicidality. You either "recover" and stop being suicidal, or you die. The state of stagnation and despair that lies in between these two extremes fails to be recognized.

I feel like I just need to hurry it up and force myself to ctb, lest I experience even worse torment up till the bitter end. The longer this drags out, the more horrible my life becomes. The reality is my chronic illnesses are never going away, yet everyone expects me to "be strong" and get on with things regardless of the fact that I am always tired, in pain, or both.

There's only so much tenacity, grit, and perseverance someone can exude before they snap. My inability to put on a mask and pretend to be happy with my awful life circumstances pushes people away and drives me further into this agonising pit of hopelessness.

I have become accustomed to abandonment and the harsh reality that I have lost everything because most people my age want to be around fun-loving party goers who they want to spread their DNA with. Not autistic, physically disabled losers who can't even put makeup on and feign attractiveness without being attacked by a busted immune system. I feel like a wounded animal who has been left for dead by the herd.


The longer I am suicidal and unable to bend myself into shape- the shape being a life script following worker drone who genuinely enjoys the moment and looks forward to surviving as long as possible-the worse it gets for me. I know my only option is to end my life, so I don't understand why it is so hard for me to make the final cut and drink the damn SN.

I truly want to be done!!

You put it so perfectly. I hate being alive so much, and I've been actively suicidal for a little over 6 years now, but I can't get the strength to go through with it and am always trying to 'give life a chance'. It never works though. I have a best friend who I've known since I was a child who I could always lean on, but eventually they got tired of it and forced me to go to the hospital, now I can never trust them with how I'm feeling and if I do they'll just ask me about my meds or tell me to talk to a therapist. I have one other friend who I can trust, but as my depression has gotten worse and I became dependent on them I can tell that they're gotten tired and frustrated of listening to me as well. I feel as though this forum is the only place where people truly understand the experience of being trapped in that place between a life that you despise and suicide.

 

[Kobusu]

Let's be honest, the "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" narrative has served no purpose but to demonize those who suffer from long term ideation.

The longer you remain suicidal, the worse people treat you. Labels of attention seeking, histrionics/dramatisation, etc begin to crop up. Others get tired of listening to what they consider to be a broken record. After opening up the first couple of times, people begin to tire of hearing what you have to say about the matter.

Your struggles are no longer seen as serious, because a binary outcome is expected to arise after you confess to the cardinal sin of suicidality. You either "recover" and stop being suicidal, or you die. The state of stagnation and despair that lies in between these two extremes fails to be recognized.

I feel like I just need to hurry it up and force myself to ctb, lest I experience even worse torment up till the bitter end. The longer this drags out, the more horrible my life becomes. The reality is my chronic illnesses are never going away, yet everyone expects me to "be strong" and get on with things regardless of the fact that I am always tired, in pain, or both.

There's only so much tenacity, grit, and perseverance someone can exude before they snap. My inability to put on a mask and pretend to be happy with my awful life circumstances pushes people away and drives me further into this agonising pit of hopelessness.

I have become accustomed to abandonment and the harsh reality that I have lost everything because most people my age want to be around fun-loving party goers who they want to spread their DNA with. Not autistic, physically disabled losers who can't even put makeup on and feign attractiveness without being attacked by a busted immune system. I feel like a wounded animal who has been left for dead by the herd.


The longer I am suicidal and unable to bend myself into shape- the shape being a life script following worker drone who genuinely enjoys the moment and looks forward to surviving as long as possible-the worse it gets for me. I know my only option is to end my life, so I don't understand why it is so hard for me to make the final cut and drink the damn SN.

I truly want to be done!!

Suicide is only a permanent solution to a temporary issue for people who don't want to die. It's such a pointless narrative. You can't even be mad at people that perpetuate it though, because nobody who does really gets it. They don't understand, because if they understood, they would suffer like many of us do.

I can only bring myself to talk about it with people that are also suicidal because "normal" people will do anything to try and rationalize how you're feeling. They'll try and paint it in a way that minimizes your issues because that's all that they can do. The longer you're suicidal, or the more you fail, the less serious they take you. They'll quickly label you because they could never understand. None of them know how difficult it is to actually stare death in the face and decide it's preferable to life. Most of them couldn't stomach it.

Don't let yourself feel pressured into ctb though. Who cares what people who could never understand have to say about your condition? Your life is your own, you owe none of them anything. You have every right to control your story.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

This has been me for a long, long time. It's gotten to the point where people around me just kinda accept it because it's normal behavior for me.

Sadly, now that I am serious about doing it, suddenly people are starting to try and talk me out of it. But only half heartedly. Not because they don't care, they do a lot. They just know that this day was bound to come sooner or later. Most people close to me are simply preparing for the inevitable.

And I don't want to disappoint my audience now do I?

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

This has been me for a long, long time. It's gotten to the point where people around me just kinda accept it because it's normal behavior for me.

Sadly, now that I am serious about doing it, suddenly people are starting to try and talk me out of it. But only half heartedly. Not because they don't care, they do a lot. They just know that this day was bound to come sooner or later. Most people close to me are simply preparing for the inevitable.

And I don't want to disappoint my audience now do I?

Well if you do die this way ensure it is for your relief and not because it is now expected, I say!

I guess people just feel so helpless for someone that they love. What can they do to help?
I think chronic suicidality also triggers something in people- it forces them to confront the sad reality that we are helpless in the face of so many events in life. It is a reality that most people would rather not think about.

Chronic suicidality is the reason why I believe in euthanasia for psychological reasons; what's the point in a person spending years in a depressed state then having to die in a terrifying, painful way?
If a loved one of mine was incredibly depressed for years then ended up dying in a terrible way, I'd feel like a failure as their friend/relative, that I let them down when they could have been at peace.
A shotgun shell, or N takes life quick. And I could rest easy knowing that my loved one died in the most humane way available.

 

[MindFog]

Yeah and it feels like the longer you wait, the more people will think you're just faking it. You have prove you're suicidal by actually dying from suicide. Really pushes people on the edge.

Either that or you're a weakling who can't get over their own feelings.

It creates this kind of vision that you no other choice that but to do it NOW. You become desperate.

You can't even pick your own dead date.

 

[DarkDg21]

I feel like a wounded animal who has been left for dead by the herd.

I really felt this part.
Your whole analysis is so spot on. It's great to feel understood, even if it's on an internet forum.

 

[Flippy]

Absolutely, I do! Thing is, as my father once said "He (me) needs help, if he does attempt to take his life, he's too smart. There won't be a second chance."

When I heard him say that, I knew he was right. I also knew that it frightened him. If I hadn't heard him say that, I would be dead years ago.

I guess it made it pretty real, just how immediate and final it would be. I was both trapped and strangely reassured by his words.

I'm sick and tired of every "professional" I meet thinking I'm there to bask in their warm sunny persona, or to be dramatic or seek attention. I FUCKING HATE ATTENTION! I'M AN INTROVERT! Posting on here is about as extrovert as I get. I'm not seeking attention, I'm trying to find a way to hold on for the people who, for some baffling reason, care about me.

If they weren't around, I would be gone without a doubt, with about as much hand wringing as I dedicate to switching on a kettle.

I honestly must be the strangest person for miles around as I simply cannot fathom what gratification these "NHS Angels" seem to think I derive from our wonderful interactions. I also must be the only human being for miles around who simply can't be genuinely in pain when he claims to be.

I may just be strange, but in my entire life, it has never crossed my mind to dismiss a person who tells me they are in pain. I can't read their fucking minds! They know better than I do. And to what end is my "fantasy pain" in aid of? Do they believe I think I will win a trip to Disney Land or something?!

No doubt they think I'm trying to get a big pile of drugs so I can sit back, get stoned with my mates, drink Foster's and play FIFA on my hookie PS5 while scoffing takeaways. If they had taken any time to get to know anything other than their fantasy concept of me, they would know how ridiculous it is. I fucking hate FIFA! I don't drink, take drugs, or enjoy much of anything anymore.

It's very simple. If I didn't care about the people who care about me I'd be gone. I could be gone minutes from now if I didn't feel so guilty about how it could affect others. Why is that such a difficult concept to understand. Problem is, I don't think this status can be permanent.

 

[needingpeace24]

I've witnessed multiple people in my life completely change towards me and exit altogether. Everyone can see the toll the deep depression over the last year has taken on me. There was an incident a few weeks back and police were called to my place for a wellness check. Nobody has looked at me the same since. Even family. It's difficult as a man to struggle and know people are judging you severely for it. I believe if I go most will just look at me with shame and contempt. It's a fucked up realization.