Why are those fears coming true now?
I never had dreams/aspirations as a child, so I suppose I was doomed always. I just picked a stable course of life that would make others proud and me less of a failure but I had no intent of making it far, and I still don't. So there's nothing much in the future I desire, nor was there ever. I just wanted small things really or normal things and I've learned that anxiety, depression, life, etc. will always prevent me from having them. For instance now I have two jobs, and anyone else I'm sure would have a great time with them and be able to build their ideal life with them (or even just with one of the jobs really). But they bring me nothing but dread, anxiety, or numbness. Quite honestly all I see in my future is being a puppet - either to my jobs or family - and then I see myself attempting again, and possibly again, and such a pattern repeats until I'm finally dumb enough to succeed. I'm in a exhausted, low, numb state now, but I know myself and my history enough, I will attempt again.