I put myself 'out there' this year in terms of volunteering and socialising and im exhausted
Now it's over I feel I didn't experience anything worthwhile except for proof/affirmation of why I left society over 5 years ago.
It was a drain and damaging to be around.
I had a positive attitude and yet the whole thing was a jump over all unpleasantness until eventually I ran outta steam.
I never took part in any bullying or winding up
I never spoke poorly of anyone or any situations - if I had insight I shared, if I didn't I hung back.
Instead I was stuck in groups that were too inward looking
My assessment of it now is I was liked because I'm useful and nice to be around but I can't say the same of them.
As I apply for jobs now it's like ok at least with these I would get paid but it's still a long way to go… I know money won't be enough to fully stick out anything long term (which is what I'm trying to do) it will instead be, suck it up for a much needed cash injection… until I'm ok to not work for another few years.
The downgrade is conversations is instant, I feel the disconnect and I switch off. The other person then just advanced their nonsense and through conversation drags me along with them unless I focus my mind - the drain at the time is immense.
I can't find a job where I just get in with something in a solitary way… not that I'm getting hired.
Had 5 interviews this summer and no offer
Feel desperate now.
Unkempt and in bed.
Lol even the word unkempt is annoying me, I first learned this word as I used to work in caring professions and something as simple as me asking a manager 'what word do you use for someone who looks neglected?' was interrupted by colleagues saying what they would do to help them - I needed a word for it not what to do… I feel like you can't learn or communicate a damn thing without other people having to make it about you or them in a childish way. I was asking for a word and didn't have my phone (internet thesaurus) to hand and expected these people to know some.
Im now haunted by it all years later.
It's like to speak to someone is to journey with them on whatever nonsense they have stored.
It makes every interaction false and almost a pantomime.
Many people actually believe that if they 'act' well in a situation it is great.. but for me the inauthenticity of it is disturbing.
If I say 'I might look into that' it's straight away met with telling me a whole story of what it will be (when it's clearly not and the person talking has no clue of the subject) I don't get why people do that.
I do feel stuck/trapped by old scripts of losers
When my mind is blank I have to spend a long time not mimicking whoever I have been around.
I'm exhausted
Now it's over I feel I didn't experience anything worthwhile except for proof/affirmation of why I left society over 5 years ago.
It was a drain and damaging to be around.
I had a positive attitude and yet the whole thing was a jump over all unpleasantness until eventually I ran outta steam.
I never took part in any bullying or winding up
I never spoke poorly of anyone or any situations - if I had insight I shared, if I didn't I hung back.
Instead I was stuck in groups that were too inward looking
My assessment of it now is I was liked because I'm useful and nice to be around but I can't say the same of them.
As I apply for jobs now it's like ok at least with these I would get paid but it's still a long way to go… I know money won't be enough to fully stick out anything long term (which is what I'm trying to do) it will instead be, suck it up for a much needed cash injection… until I'm ok to not work for another few years.
The downgrade is conversations is instant, I feel the disconnect and I switch off. The other person then just advanced their nonsense and through conversation drags me along with them unless I focus my mind - the drain at the time is immense.
I can't find a job where I just get in with something in a solitary way… not that I'm getting hired.
Had 5 interviews this summer and no offer
Feel desperate now.
Unkempt and in bed.
Lol even the word unkempt is annoying me, I first learned this word as I used to work in caring professions and something as simple as me asking a manager 'what word do you use for someone who looks neglected?' was interrupted by colleagues saying what they would do to help them - I needed a word for it not what to do… I feel like you can't learn or communicate a damn thing without other people having to make it about you or them in a childish way. I was asking for a word and didn't have my phone (internet thesaurus) to hand and expected these people to know some.
Im now haunted by it all years later.
It's like to speak to someone is to journey with them on whatever nonsense they have stored.
It makes every interaction false and almost a pantomime.
Many people actually believe that if they 'act' well in a situation it is great.. but for me the inauthenticity of it is disturbing.
If I say 'I might look into that' it's straight away met with telling me a whole story of what it will be (when it's clearly not and the person talking has no clue of the subject) I don't get why people do that.
I do feel stuck/trapped by old scripts of losers
When my mind is blank I have to spend a long time not mimicking whoever I have been around.
I'm exhausted
