Discussion Anyone else feel guilty?

[anhedonicNfoggy]

I know it's an odd thing to be guilty about, but I noticed most people here self-harm.

I understand that's very painful and emotionally taxing. I know it's not a competition who is more depressed.

But I sorta feel even here it's hard to belong. I have tried cutting before but nothing deep. My parents found out and they were furious. It stressed me out bc they were threatening to take me out of school and report me.

I used to drink a lot of cough medicine or take acetaminophen pills. But that imo was less abusing drugs. It just helped me feel more numb. Not disoriented like getting drunk.

I've mentioned that previously when I went to therapy (it's been a long while since I've went. I either switched or just stopped showing up). Therapists never really cared. If I say it's hard to enjoy life, they just say do this and that. And when I say it doesn't help, idk they go on with the same things and say like think positive. I hate my psychiatrist too like even when I lose ten pounds of weight, she doesn't look like she cares. She just asks do you want to increase the dose or do you want another med. It's like she's not thinking. I could tell her to up it or down it and she'll just change it with no questions.

Idk life sucks but what deters me from wanting to attempt is the embarrassment. I don't want my parents to take me out of school or put me in a hospital. I don't want others to think — there's smth wrong with her? — and like say stuff behind my back and look down on me with a mixture of pity. That seems terrifying to me like if I were to survive, I'd rather move away with no trace but yea that's hard bc making money is hard (I'm a college student rn)

Idk I guess what I'm saying is it feels like I'm faking being depressed or smth. Like maybe I'm just a lazy ungrateful piece of shit.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hello anhedonicNfoggy, you are correct that there is no competition. Your words about feeling like you do not belong are understandable, though. It seems everyone on this site has very different past experiences, which makes this oddly diverse just as it could be alienating.

Oh, the past therapists and psychiatrist seem terrible! They can say anything and think they're correct, even though you are the one telling them what you are going through. It is as if they just wanted to waste your time, if they wanted you there at all.

That would really be terrifying, to live with the consequences of trying something. People's reactions weigh a lot, especially in situations like yours. If only there were more people who could be understanding and compassionate toward you...If you were to survive, you say you would like to start new somewhere else, right? Do you think you would like moving away with no trace, if it could hypothetically happen and you could have the money?

It is not as if depression is one set experience. I like to think there is no "less" or "more", it just is. If you have gotten to a point in your life where you have considered all of this, I personally doubt you could be faking this. However, this is my opinion alone. I think self harm is not necessary to feeling depressed or to belong with people here. It's okay to feel like it's hard to belong here, and I hope that no one troubles you for that here.

Take care, anhedonicNfoggy.

 

[fwompie]

I know it's an odd thing to be guilty about, but I noticed most people here self-harm.

I understand that's very painful and emotionally taxing. I know it's not a competition who is more depressed.

But I sorta feel even here it's hard to belong. I have tried cutting before but nothing deep. My parents found out and they were furious. It stressed me out bc they were threatening to take me out of school and report me.

I used to drink a lot of cough medicine or take acetaminophen pills. But that imo was less abusing drugs. It just helped me feel more numb. Not disoriented like getting drunk.

I've mentioned that previously when I went to therapy (it's been a long while since I've went. I either switched or just stopped showing up). Therapists never really cared. If I say it's hard to enjoy life, they just say do this and that. And when I say it doesn't help, idk they go on with the same things and say like think positive. I hate my psychiatrist too like even when I lose ten pounds of weight, she doesn't look like she cares. She just asks do you want to increase the dose or do you want another med. It's like she's not thinking. I could tell her to up it or down it and she'll just change it with no questions.

Idk life sucks but what deters me from wanting to attempt is the embarrassment. I don't want my parents to take me out of school or put me in a hospital. I don't want others to think — there's smth wrong with her? — and like say stuff behind my back and look down on me with a mixture of pity. That seems terrifying to me like if I were to survive, I'd rather move away with no trace but yea that's hard bc making money is hard (I'm a college student rn)

Idk I guess what I'm saying is it feels like I'm faking being depressed or smth. Like maybe I'm just a lazy ungrateful piece of shit.

There's plenty of people who haven't selfharmed, who haven't abused substances who are still depressed and suicidal. If social media didn't exist, you'd probably still be as suicidal (unless the pressure of social media is what causes it, which has a very easy solution).

Many therapists suck. I've worked in healthcare and plenty of people work in it for the wrong reasons. It can take a long time before you meet someone who works well with you. Hardest part about it is that you should want to get better. You have to go to them because you want to start caring about yourself, you shouldn't have to worry about them caring about you.
Which is hard, I struggle with that. It's kinda... complex.
People will say "go to therapy" as if you should always want to get better but for some that's just not the case. It's hard to determine whether it will get better and I'm oftentimes skeptical.

(Also laziness is a myth, you are not lazy, life is hard for a lot of people. Society just guilts you into feeling lazy so you make more many for the places you work at).

 

[corgiee]

not selfharming doesn't make you any less valid IMO. the parents thing totally makes sense; i dont even contact mine and im scared of random people judging my scars so i cant even imagine having to deal with parents too about that, better just avoid it. i also think faking being depressed without knowing it isnt really possible. and it sounds like in your situation with ur therapist and psychiatrist you aren't. i also had similar experiences with therapists though, feels like they copy and paste the same coping strategies for everyone and call it a day. congrats on losing weight, shits hard. are u embarssed that other ppl will think theres something wrong with you if you fail CTB or CTB successfuly?

 

[anhedonicNfoggy]

not selfharming doesn't make you any less valid IMO. the parents thing totally makes sense; i dont even contact mine and im scared of random people judging my scars so i cant even imagine having to deal with parents too about that, better just avoid it. i also think faking being depressed without knowing it isnt really possible. and it sounds like in your situation with ur therapist and psychiatrist you aren't. i also had similar experiences with therapists though, feels like they copy and paste the same coping strategies for everyone and call it a day. congrats on losing weight, shits hard. are u embarssed that other ppl will think theres something wrong with you if you fail CTB or CTB successfuly?

I'm embarrassed if I would fail. I don't want rumors to spread to idk relatives and acquaintances because people regularly meet up with my parents. It's hard enough being known as a disappointment. It would be worse to be considered a liability and have to be constantly watched.