Discussion Anyone else feel guilty for having friends, therapists, hair stylists, etc who spend time and effort on you, not knowing you're going to be gone soon?

[BrailleTogepi]

I know the attention and care they give me doesn't cost them nothing, and I can't help but feel like they're wasting their time since they're spending it on someone who isn't gonna be around for much longer. Even with people who I'm paying for their work, such as therapists, hair stylists, dentists, etc. I'm giving them monetary compensation but I still think they take pride in their work and would hate for it to be wasted.

It's even worse with friends, who are putting their time and effort into me just for the sake of me and our friendship. I feel like they deserve a friend who's mentally healthy, and can be there for them in the long term. I can't help but want to apologize to them for being like this. Anyone relate?

 

[jessisme]

No not really as I have no friends and I don't feel bad about speaking with my therapist without mentioning my intentions to him as that would set the ball rolling on a whole series of consequences that I want to avoid if at all possible. I mostly just feel guilty about doing this to my mother who I live with and who depends on me for various things. I hate keeping this as a secret from her as we are very close and I worry about she will do once I am no longer with her which is one of the things that has prevented me from ctb ing so far. xo, j

 

[lonelyandsad]

I feel really guilty about my therapist. I've developed a really close relationship with her, and I know it's going to be hard for her to deal with.

I also think my wife (soon to be ex-wife) will probably blame herself.

 

[alice_0927]

All the time. Everyone around me is supportive and loving. Some knows about my mental conditions and my decision, and try their hardest to keep me here. I stopped bringing up my suicidal thoughts to them, since I feel like it's so selfish to put my burden on others. But then again, they are wasting all their time and love to someone who can't be helped and desperately want to leave this world.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Friends, family, and my ex would be the only people I'd feel bad for. My ex already blames herself a lot for my current state. Right now I'm feeling great but I know that can change at pretty much the flip of a coin. She said she'd struggle to even date if I did something like that. My mom would definitely feel awful, and she might even blame herself. My friends probably wouldn't blame themselves but maybe, they'd definitely still be emotional. It would impact those people the most, and those people are the reason I'm still here.

 

[NHLTradeRumor]

I don't have many people that would care, but the ones that do will be distraught when I CTB soon. In a way I feel guilty, but I know they'll heal over time, even if not completely. I know they want to help, but I want to leave this world so bad, and no one can change that.

 

[missingpeace]

Yes, a little bit of guilt regarding my family whenever the rsvp me for family weddings, gatherings.. I stopped getting any sort of beauty care, or buying clothes/make-up, holidays anything for the future. I have only a closet of posessions, but I know it will be sad for my family to go through my stuff and get rid of it all. I wish I could use it all and have not many objects left.. I guess I hope they will donate it all to people who will use it.

 

[HadItAll]

Not really, tbh I think most people in my life would just be better off without me, so I feel no guilt.

 

[magicalsarcoma]

Yes. This is the reason, one of the reasons why i stopped making friends and generally not interested in new close relationships

 

[JuliaOnTheNet]

I don't. I feel bad constantly talking about depressive stuff and ctb thoughts and fantasies to friend and family, as this is dragging them down a lot.
Once I'm gone, everyone will be back to normal and laugh and enjoy their life, like before after just one or two weeks.

I had a friend I really cared about, I cried I couldn't believe it, I moarned and even though he meant much to me I was mostly over it after one week. I was still sad for months from time to time thinking about him, and I still think about him a year later but it'S not making me sad anymore I have accepted it.

Another friend I lost, I felt bad for a day and honestly didn't care that much. I wished I would care more, but I can't force myself to do that :(

 

[ExistHarm]

i was thinking about this today. its a tough thought.

 

[BasqueClown]

I used to think that way one or two months ago, specially with my aunt who is caring me and giving housing right now, but I changed my mind recently.
I'll spend time with her and be the nicest possible, even I want to give a fuck to everyone. She doesn't deserve to be responsible about my suicide, I still love her, but that's why I'm planning to leave a suicide note to her.

 

[Dying Alive 00]

I used to think so, for a very small handful of people. Then I went through the thought of any of them ultimately being better off without me. Nowadays, for better or for worse, I don't feel very much about anything. Apathy and emptiness.

 

[lemmein]

I kind of do and don't feel guilty. I'm not close to my family, and I don't plan to let them know after I've left. However, I feel bad that I'll be leaving my sister alone to manage my elderly mom's care. I always figured I'd wait until after my mom's passing before I checked out myself, but she's currently so out of it (dementia) that she won't even notice I'm gone.

As for my friends, I have mixed feelings. I'm always the one who reaches out to them. They rarely initiate contact, and that hurts. They say they'd miss me if I were to leave, but I honestly don't see how because it's not like they're there for me. It's not like they reach out to me. It's not like I could rely on any of them to be my emergency contact.

If I were to tell them my plans, they would shriek at me. Some would be understanding, but they'd still say "I wish you wouldn't. I'd miss you." Those are the ones who also suffer from depression, so they get it. However, for their own selfish reasons, they want me to still be around, even if we hardly ever speak on the phone or see each other in person. My friends are all busy with their own lives, but I guess they just like the "concept" of my existence.

I've told only one friend because this person is the only one who fully understands, doesn't judge and is supportive. However, every now and then, they still say they don't want me to go. I feel guilty that I'm making them sad.

These days when we talk, I try to be as casual about the topic as possible, sometimes even joking about it. But then I feel guilty for being flippant.