Anyone else do the same?

[DrownedOctopus]

I've been thinking a lot today, and now I'm curious.
I have a routine I do every single day because without it I do nothing to be a functioning human. I only started doing it because my daughter needs me to care for her, without her I couldn't care less.
If I skip it, I don't drink water, my teeth do not get brushed, I do not brush my hair, I do not shower, I will not eat, I don't sleep, basically the only thing I can manage to do is stare at a wall and wait for time to pass. It usually ends in me either cutting or burning myself, too. I have a difficult time with forcing myself into doing anything that I find benificial to my well being. It's even worse on bad days.
I exercise every day until it hurts because I like the pain, it helps me keep from cutting or burning, it guarantees I shower and brush my hair and teeth, it makes me drink water too. It helps me sleep even because I exhaust myself, and I have somewhat of an appetite.
Being hungry, I'm able to actually make my daughter a meal instead of handing her the same leftovers for every meal until it is gone.
It's weird, I think, that I don't view exercising as beneficial to my body, though. Perhaps because I injure myself from pushing way too hard very often.
It's not the only thing in my routine, but it's one of the most important parts. Without it, I'm useless and a waste of a person.
Despite everything I do to live a normal life, I'm alway plagued with thoughts of killing myself. Despite everything I do, which is just exhausting all around, there's not much gain from it other than I can be a functioning parent.
It just feels pointless for me to do it. It doesn't improve the way I think or how I feel. I'd have stopped a long time ago if it didn't benefit my daughter.
It makes me think how much better off she would have been if I gave her up for adoption.
I want and plan to kill myself soon because she's still young enough to forget me. She'd be better off with a happier mom who doesn't have a difficult time getting out of bed to get her from her crib in the mornings.
I guess I'm just curious as to whether or not others are in similar situations?

 

[Sundayafternoon]

You think she'll forget you but losing a parent between 0 & 1 is cited as the cause for a lot of psychological disorders ... Not trying to guilt you into staying I just don't want you to think you're worthless to your child... My mother is dysfunctional which has caused a lot of hell in my life but I'd rather have her than anyone else ... Noone can love you like your parent.

You worded that perfectly. I can't relate to having to be here because I'm a mom but i can relate to being here without one. As shitty as she was.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I've been thinking a lot today, and now I'm curious.
I have a routine I do every single day because without it I do nothing to be a functioning human. I only started doing it because my daughter needs me to care for her, without her I couldn't care less.
If I skip it, I don't drink water, my teeth do not get brushed, I do not brush my hair, I do not shower, I will not eat, I don't sleep, basically the only thing I can manage to do is stare at a wall and wait for time to pass. It usually ends in me either cutting or burning myself, too. I have a difficult time with forcing myself into doing anything that I find benificial to my well being. It's even worse on bad days.
I exercise every day until it hurts because I like the pain, it helps me keep from cutting or burning, it guarantees I shower and brush my hair and teeth, it makes me drink water too. It helps me sleep even because I exhaust myself, and I have somewhat of an appetite.
Being hungry, I'm able to actually make my daughter a meal instead of handing her the same leftovers for every meal until it is gone.
It's weird, I think, that I don't view exercising as beneficial to my body, though. Perhaps because I injure myself from pushing way too hard very often.
It's not the only thing in my routine, but it's one of the most important parts. Without it, I'm useless and a waste of a person.
Despite everything I do to live a normal life, I'm alway plagued with thoughts of killing myself. Despite everything I do, which is just exhausting all around, there's not much gain from it other than I can be a functioning parent.
It just feels pointless for me to do it. It doesn't improve the way I think or how I feel. I'd have stopped a long time ago if it didn't benefit my daughter.
It makes me think how much better off she would have been if I gave her up for adoption.
I want and plan to kill myself soon because she's still young enough to forget me. She'd be better off with a happier mom who doesn't have a difficult time getting out of bed to get her from her crib in the mornings.
I guess I'm just curious as to whether or not others are in similar situations?

Only because I'm under someone else's roof i have to get up and wash my butt and kind of pretend to care.

redt2go said it perfectly. No guilt trip but you are not worthless to your baby. Just the fact that you're considering her here and now speaks volumes.

I don't know your exact pain but I understand as much as possible. If that makes sense. I wish you peace.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

I've picked up smoking as a reason to get out of bed because otherwise I don't... You think she'll forget you but losing a parent between 0 & 1 is cited as the cause for a lot of psychological disorders ... Not trying to guilt you into staying I just don't want you to think you're worthless to your child... My mother is dysfunctional which has caused a lot of hell in my life but I'd rather have her than anyone else ... Noone can love you like your parent... She's sad a lot but some days I see her smile and be happy if only for a moment and it gives me some hope...

I fully relate to feeling like a waste of a person being dysfunctional sucks ass

I think there's a lot more involved than just losing a parent involved with that, but you're right.
Honestly, I do know it's just my way of justifying my decision because on the not so bad days I wonder how it'll affect her.
And I always feel like the worst person alive on the days I can barely function because I very often find myself not caring.
And it isn't that I don't love her or care for her to have a happy fulfilled life, I just feel like a lot of my behavior would hinder than so much.
I feel like I cheated her from better opportunities. And I feel she deserves someone far better than me as her mother, someone who would never abandon her.
I've tried so hard to be the mother she needs, but I always come back to feeling like the way I am is just going to cheat her even more than it already has.
I've spent 2 years doing everything I could for her, but somehow...somehow I can look at her perfect little face light up with the biggest most beautiful smile and still want to die. It's the hardest decision I've ever made. I feel she deserves so much better than what I could ever even hope to give her.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

I didn't even see the other's posts. I appreciate your kind words, every one. Deep down I know no one will love her like I do and that she needs me, but the thoughts in my head just make it so hard to really believe.
I've been told it countless times no one is a better mom, but I struggle with even existing every day.
If she wasn't part of my life for whatever reason, I know the last time I tried wouldn't have gotten interrupted and I'd no longer be here.
But I am curious for those of you who struggle doing things without some outside force what makes you keep doing it?? Like maybe is it just the Consequences or maybe dealing with someone else's disapproval is too exhausting??

 

[Redt2go]

@DrownedOctopus she doesn't need a TV super mom or a super rich mom or anything like that (not that that's what's in your head of what she deserves)... But I understand that you don't feel enough for her im not sure what to say to that... All I can tell you is I'm thankful for my dysfunctional mom... I know she's had a lot of the thoughts your having including ctb even though she hasnt told me and she feels guilty everyday that she's not better... It's so special though to look at her and know that I'm hers and that one day I'll look just like her... What will happen to her if you leave? Foster Care, family? If it's family could you lean on them rn ?

 

[DrownedOctopus]

@DrownedOctopus she doesn't need a TV super mom or a super rich mom or anything like that... But I understand that you don't feel enough for her... All I can tell you is I'm thankful for my dysfunctional mom... I know she's had a lot of the thoughts your having including ctb even though she hasnt told me and she feels guilty everyday that she's not better... It's so special though to look at her and know that I'm hers and that one day I'll look just like her... What will happen to her if you leave? Foster Care, family? If it's family could you lean on them rn ?

She'd stay with her dad, thankfully.
Thank you for your input, though. I think I needed to hear it. Even if it doesn't change my mind, it's given me a lot to think about.

 

[JustAboutDone]

@DrownedOctopus i don't know if you've had a formal diagnosis of anything? I was wondering if your routine is part of either an OCD or a self-harm cycle? Both these things are your way to bring control to your environment and keep you steady. And as, you say, keep you caring for your darling daughter who it's obvious you love very much.

I say it's obvious - because you care so much you think she deserves better, that shows how much you love her, that you want the absolute best for her. I bet if she could tell you she would want you :-) the lady that smells and cuddles and feels just like her mummy.

You are doing your best but I think you are in a lot of pain xx I don't know if you have had a loving family to grow up in yourself or whether you suffer from a depression illness but none of these things mean you can't be a lovely mummy. Bad parents are ones that can never acknowledge they do anything wrong and don't care less. You aren't that at all.

Xxx

 

[DrownedOctopus]

@DrownedOctopus i don't know if you've had a formal diagnosis of anything? I was wondering if your routine is part of either an OCD or a self-harm cycle? Both these things are your way to bring control to your environment and keep you steady. And as, you say, keep you caring for your darling daughter who it's obvious you love very much.

I say it's obvious - because you care so much you think she deserves better, that shows how much you love her, that you want the absolute best for her. I bet if she could tell you she would want you :-) the lady that smells and cuddles and feels just like her mummy.

You are doing your best but I think you are in a lot of pain xx I don't know if you have had a loving family to grow up in yourself or whether you suffer from a depression illness but none of these things mean you can't be a lovely mummy. Bad parents are ones that can never acknowledge they do anything wrong and don't care less. You aren't that at all.

Xxx

Well this just made me cry. I haven't been to a therpist since I was a kid because I refused to go back after being told there's no reason for the way I feel, that I need to get over it, and being guilted for my feelings by being told stories of kids who have it worse. So there's been no formal diagnosis.
As for my chikdhood, I had a loving and supportive family, but I always remember feeling the way I day. I just have this sort of lack of desire in life or will to live. There's no cause to it, I've always been this way even when things in my life are okay or even by definition happy.
Thank you for the kind words, though. It's a change of pace from everything going on in my head.

 

[JustAboutDone]

@DrownedOctopus i'm so sorry I didn't mean to upset you xx I hope you are ok xx

I wonder if you have a genetic depression that is not caused by your upbringing but something in your DNA or a low level of dopamine? My mental health worker was talking about low dopamine levels the other week. I was only half able to take on board what she was saying as my concentration has gone a bit since I was ill, but if you Google dopamine and diet there are foods suggested and things. Not special foods - just normal ones! They just release or help make more dopamine.

You might need a low dose Anti-depressant? I think that so many things in the brain can go astray after you have a baby that you might not recognise that you might be more down - but because you are coping so well, and you are, you might not realise you're down.

All I know is that you are a good person. And a good mummy. From my heart. Because in your post all you care about is your daughter, not once are you angry or anything, all you want is a good life for her. You are that good life. Xx

 

[DrownedOctopus]

@DrownedOctopus i'm so sorry I didn't mean to upset you xx I hope you are ok xx

I wonder if you have a genetic depression that is not caused by your upbringing but something in your DNA or a low level of dopamine? My mental health worker was talking about low dopamine levels the other week. I was only half able to take on board what she was saying as my concentration has gone a bit since I was ill, but if you Google dopamine and diet there are foods suggested and things. Not special foods - just normal ones! They just release or help make more dopamine.

You might need a low dose Anti-depressant? I think that so many things in the brain can go astray after you have a baby that you might not recognise that you might be more down - but because you are coping so well, and you are, you might not realise you're down.

All I know is that you are a good person. And a good mummy. From my heart. Because in your post all you care about is your daughter, not once are you angry or anything, all you want is a good life for her. You are that good life. Xx

No need to apologize, it wasn't really that I was upset. I just am having an emotional few days, and some things are really tipping me over. It's by no means your fault.
I'm not sure what's behind this, but it doesn't seem any worse or any better since she was born.
I'm not angry with anyone or anything, there's no reason for me to be. It's more just like I'm tired and fed up with trying. Exhausted from doing everything I can to get better without the pay off. I've looked into things I should be eating and doing because I've got so much anxiety about going to anyone for anything, let alone help.
It's exhausting when people know something is wrong. I get irritated easily if anyone asks if I'm alright or how I feel on a normal day when it's just a polite question to ask. I don't like people looking into my life, though. So, I just suffer in silence. Alone with my thoughts. This site is the first time I've been so open other than with my (almost) husband.
Perhaps you're right that there's a genetic reason for it or lack of dopamine. I likely won't know unless I can talk myself into telling a professional.

 

[JustAboutDone]

You must be exhausted xxx

Anxiety is awful, it's another thing that drains you and leaves you frazzled. If you can get to a doctor and try a medication that might just help, I know it's nerve wrenching. I hope you and (almost husband ) and lovely daughter will be a lovely family for a long time. Am here if you ever need an ear xxx