Discussion Anyone else chronically suicidal?

[ready 2 go]

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts daily for 6 years. Anytime I've been in a "crisis" it wasn't actually some once off thing that'd resolve itself in a few weeks. I just decided to go through with whatever I'd planned. Professionals don't seem to understand that you can be suicidal everyday and not be in a crisis. Anyone else experience this?

 

[BPD Barbie]

It just kinda becomes less of a deafening roar and ebbs into a quiet hum, but it's still there, you're still feeling suicidal. I don't think it ever just disappears. I go through peaks when the urges and impulses are so loud I just want to go there and then, but then it quietens down and the circle repeats.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts daily for 6 years. Anytime I've been in a "crisis" it wasn't actually some once off thing that'd resolve itself in a few weeks. I just decided to go through with whatever I'd planned. Professionals don't seem to understand that you can be suicidal everyday and not be in a crisis. Anyone else experience this?

Yes. For more than a year I have been like this. I've had these phases in the past too, but I don't think any of them lasted this long.

 

[muffin222]

I am. I've had thoughts off and on since age 11. Here's a good article about chronic suicidality that encapsulates my experience with it pretty well:

Site Retired

 

[Existingnotliving]

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts daily for 6 years. Anytime I've been in a "crisis" it wasn't actually some once off thing that'd resolve itself in a few weeks. I just decided to go through with whatever I'd planned. Professionals don't seem to understand that you can be suicidal everyday and not be in a crisis. Anyone else experience this?

Omg, I have never seen someone else talk about this. I've tried to tell people for years that I have suicidal thoughts multiple times everyday but no one ever seems to understand it because I dont try to kill myself everyday. Or they'll say 'you're having a good day today so things are good.' No this is not the case, even when I'm having a reasonably good day I would have thought of suicide and the point of life so many times. I can't remember a day when I didn't have suicidal thoughts. When I have a 'crisis' people always ask me whats triggered it or why I'm feeling like I want to kill myself and when I tell them it's a daily occurcance of thinking/feeling this way, they don't understand because I don't try to kill myself everyday. I've never been more relieved to read a post, just to make myself seem less crazy and that chronic suicidal thoughts/feelings do actually happen. I've tried so hard to make people understand this but it always falls on death ears.

 

[ready 2 go]

Omg, I have never seen someone else talk about this. I've tried to tell people for years that I have suicidal thoughts multiple times everyday but no one ever seems to understand it because I dont try to kill myself everyday. Or they'll say 'you're having a good day today so things are good.' No this is not the case, even when I'm having a reasonably good day I would have thought of suicide and the point of life so many times. I can't remember a day when I didn't have suicidal thoughts. When I have a 'crisis' people always ask me whats triggered it or why I'm feeling like I want to kill myself and when I tell them it's a daily occurcance of thinking/feeling this way, they don't understand because I don't try to kill myself everyday. I've never been more relieved to read a post, just to make myself seem less crazy and that chronic suicidal thoughts/feelings do actually happen. I've tried so hard to make people understand this but it always falls on death ears.

I get this 100% I had an attempt a few months ago. When people asked me what triggered it, I didn't know what to say. I wasn't triggered, I was ready. The thoughts weren't something that came on suddenly

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I am. I've had thoughts off and on since age 11. Here's a good article about chronic suicidality that encapsulates my experience with it pretty well:

Site Retired

Thank you for the article, I enjoyed reading it and I recognized myself a lot in it.

 

[muffin222]

Thank you for the article, I enjoyed reading it and I recognized myself a lot in it.

You're welcome! I've been wanting to post it here for a while, but I just never saw a relevant opportunity- and I hate starting my own threads

 

[maybepossiblyithink]

It just kinda becomes less of a deafening roar and ebbs into a quiet hum, but it's still there, you're still feeling suicidal. I don't think it ever just disappears. I go through peaks when the urges and impulses are so loud I just want to go there and then, but then it quietens down and the circle repeats.

Exactly.
It's always there. No matter how good a day you have.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Exactly.
It's always there. No matter how good a day you have.

I rarely have a good day, I endure them.

 

[maybepossiblyithink]

I rarely have a good day, I endure them.

Yeah, a ''good day'' for me is just a day when it's quiet than usual, or I'm distracted enough to ignore it.

 

[Shades of Grey]

Yes. I've thought about it nearly every day since early 2000.

(Lest anyone accuse me of "not trying" or "not seeking help" when the proverbial bus arrives.)

 

[Deleted member 17949]

definitely, and this is one of the big issues with seeking help. Crisis support isn't helpful because I am not in a short term crisis, I am stuck with a slowly-built tower of suicidal thoughts that weigh on me every day

 

[Delia]

I've had them since god knows when, it ranges from "ah it would be great if i was dead" As the least virulent , the intermediary state being "I could die right now actually", the pre-worst state being " If i don't die right now something really bad is going to happen" And the worst state being actually attempting suicide

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

" If i don't die right now something really bad is going to happen"

I have this thought on a daily basis, then I try to remind myself that I am being irrational, because I had the same thought the day before and nothing bad happened.

 

[Shades of Grey]

definitely, and this is one of the big issues with seeking help. Crisis support isn't helpful because I am not in a short term crisis, I am stuck with a slowly-built tower of suicidal thoughts that weigh on me every day

Truth.

This has been the absolute hardest part about seeking help for me. Often professionals don't seem to know what to do with those at chronic high risk, particularly when it occurs outside the context of BPD. Their interventions are ineffectual or outright counterproductive because they're geared toward acute crisis situations, and this is different. If you handled me like someone in an acute crisis every time I seriously contemplated ending my life, I would spend the rest of my existence in a glorified holding cell where I would never have the opportunity to try to build a life worth living.

They're also prone to frustration when the ideation doesn't magically go away, or we're not on the same page about treatment goals. I don't think it is realistic to focus on eliminating suicidal thoughts. I've accepted that for me, they are so deeply entrenched that to some extent, they will probably always be there. I am okay with that. My feeling is that a more realistic goal is to focus on improving my quality of life to the point where I don't have to act on them.

 

[Apathy's Girl]

I describe it as almost being addicted to suicide. The thoughts are always there even if I know I'm not going to act on it again right now. I spend countless hours planning, replanning. I find comfort in knowing that I have one thing I can always control in my life, and that is if I actually choose to live it.

 

[elfgyoza]

I get this 100% I had an attempt a few months ago. When people asked me what triggered it, I didn't know what to say. I wasn't triggered, I was ready. The thoughts weren't something that came on suddenly

It's such a relief reading this thread.
I had exactly the same experience a couple of months ago. I told my mh nurse that 'it just felt right' but she didn't understand, she keeps asking me to identify triggers. I don't know what to say either, I don't think they'll ever understand

 

[ready 2 go]

Wow, I'm overwhelmed with that fact that so many others feel like this too. Hugs to you all <3

 

[woxihuanni]

I don't understand why people with lives below a certain quality would NOT have that. There was something about this by Louis c k.

 

[sadworld]

I have suicidal thoughts everyday. The last time when I had a day without those thoughts was a long time ago. I don't even remember anymore to be honest.

 

[JustABunchOfAtoms]

I would have a lot of implusive or crisis suicide attempts. But since I was admitted to hospital in July, I've been chronically suicidal.

 

[Metalhead]

I describe it as almost being addicted to suicide. The thoughts are always there even if I know I'm not going to act on it again right now. I spend countless hours planning, replanning. I find comfort in knowing that I have one thing I can always control in my life, and that is if I actually choose to live it.

That sums it up perfectly.

 

[Acopia]

I'm passively suicidal all the time.
Actively suicidal from time to time, that'd be when I end up in crisis.
-A.

 

[AvaAdore]

I describe it as almost being addicted to suicide. The thoughts are always there even if I know I'm not going to act on it again right now. I spend countless hours planning, replanning. I find comfort in knowing that I have one thing I can always control in my life, and that is if I actually choose to live it.

I went to a rehab where most of the people were there for drug abuse but I was there because I made an attempt. The therapist there told me to fit in my addiction as being suicidal.

 

[LittleJem]

There's a publication in Scotland that says 'suicidal thoughts are normal'. They are certainly very common.

 

[Kotochan]

I am like this as well. I wouldn't describe it as addiction though. For me it's like life in general just isn't worth living. The only reason i don't attempt frequently is because usually life is bearable. Usually im fed up with many problems. After months of a lack of pro is when i put my plans into action.

In fact i often go out of my way to delay an attempt if someone might feel it was a trigger. This way i can somewhat shield people from feeling guilty and their faulty pattern matching

 

[laura fines]

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts daily for 6 years. Anytime I've been in a "crisis" it wasn't actually some once off thing that'd resolve itself in a few weeks. I just decided to go through with whatever I'd planned. Professionals don't seem to understand that you can be suicidal everyday and not be in a crisis. Anyone else experience this?

me

 

[BigGimpin]

I was only 7yrs old when I had my first "attempt" I locked myself in the bathroom and held a pair of scissors to my neck
, all I really remember is yelling, "If you come in here Ill cut my head off" Had another attempt when I was 15 after my accident. (im paralyzed from a motorcycle accident) but aq friend intervened. Few times in my 20's I tried OD'ing and my latest attempt was last November.

My entire life I have had this voice in my head saying "You are just going to kill yourself anyway" whenever I was put in difficult situations. Bow I am in the most difficult position you can even imagine. My body is failing me and I cant take the chronic pain any longer.

I want the suffering to end asap.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I believe that wanting suicide is perfectly rational. It is the only thing that makes sense for me. I simply do not see my life as being worth living and I see the world for what it is, a horrible place filled with so much pain and suffering. I just want non existence, I prefer the sound of sleeping forever to living a miserable life where things will only get worse. I have never wanted to live and I will never not be suicidal.