Anyone decided to ctb because facing the possibility of hard time in prison?

[ChristopherWalken]

I have been borderline suicidal since my teens. For the most part avoided medication, although in retrospect probably would have helped immensely. I'm in my late 40's now and finally after a long struggle I felt like I was making some personal progress even though my life was crumbling around me. Still I held on to hope and kept a positive mental attitude and was making small daily progress. But a couple weeks ago I got arrested and throw in jail for something I can't disclose here but suffice to say the justice system is bullshit designed to make profit off the backs of taxpayers/prisoners. Aside from what I got thrown in for which, I admit I deserve to be punished for but the punishment is ridiculously disproportionate for what actually happened, I'm a very nice person, I don't even litter. I am nice to everyone and do my best to be a positive force in the universe. Which counts for jack shit as far as these people are concerned. I've never been in trouble in my whole life. I'll be honest, I was petrified. It was so dehumanizing. I felt like an animal I just wanted to knaw my hand off and bleed to death to get out of there. I was in complete shock. I never want to endure that again. I was only in there 2 days. I know a guy that was in for many years and he's out for years now and he's still has terrible ptsd. The time I'm facing, I'll be an old man or dead before I get out, or probably killed on the inside. I was already contemplating suicide before I got arrested because my life that I ruined falling apart. But after that, when thank God my family bailed me out, I headed straight home intent on squaring away a few details and catching the bus as quickly as possible before they could get their hands on me again. When I was in there I was discussing suicide with my cellmate and he was saying he was considering hanging himself with the bedsheet. But I didn't think it would work it's too thick and what he said he was going to attach it to looked like it would just slip off. The thought of not being able to kill myself and being stuck in prison forever terrified me. So I had decided to do it as soon as I got bailed out. But somehow I caught a ray of hope as I was about to do it and honestly I felt a little guilty because my family and friends had come together for me so fast and have been so damn supportive. So I've decided to try and fight it in court and am spending every last dime I have on lawyers hoping against hope for a miracle. Still the stain of this will never leave me the same. I'm still terrified though because they came and got me before while I was sleeping and I'm afraid they'll get me again before I have a chance to kill myself. I wish it was like in the movies where the spies had a cyanide tooth implanted just in case they got captured.

 

[Lookingforabus]

It's pretty common, to the point that "legal issues" are the third strongest risk factor in suicide rates (behind a previous suicide attempt and major depressive disorder).

Granted, I've been suicidal since I was a kid, but I can't wrap my head around how and why normal people go on living with any felony conviction (or even misdemeanor convictions that destroy a person's future - drugs, prostitutiom, etc.). Even without prison time, anyone forced through the grey maws of our carceral state is relegated to a bleak future, and there's certainly nothing approaching justice in our "justice system" (an Orwellian phrase, if ever there was one), so you have my sympathies.

 

[dustintech]

I would CTB in a heartbeat if I knew I was even going to be locked up. I could not handle being locked up. Granted, the worse crime I might get busted for is drugs, but to lose my freedom just because I have some plant matter in my possession, I would be done. I would probably just act like I have a gun and let a cop do it for me. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Alnaresta]

Hey I just wanted to share that I'm in the exact same boat as you, and can't share my charges. For me it's not so much prison that I'm worried about, but that I've really put my life in the garbage and had to rebuild, and all while still in my 20s, so many times that at this point that even after getting released I wouldn't have a single thing to keep living for. I don't have it in me to run and try to live a new life somewhere else just to escape time in the pen, and even if I did, what the hell would I even do? In my mind, you can't run from the law forever anyway and living with that over your head alone is pretty ridiculous. So I find myself here as well, looking for the easiest way to end it. Hope you can find the answers you're looking for and the path you need to be walking.

 

[ChristopherWalken]

I talked a little more with my friend who did almost 10 years. He said I could survive in there. That he'd seen people with worse situations and more mental problems manage to survive. But they also went through hell and back. Like some of the stuff he told me made me laugh and some of it made me shudder. It's really awful and I live in the worst state where they have this backward ass mindset of "makin dem felons suffer." Still the amount of time I'm facing is just unreal. I'll be at retirement age or past it when I get out, with no funds. No way I'll even make it that far. This society we live in with this 'lock em up' mentality is destroying itself. Soon over half the population will be in or have spent significant time in jail. Locking people up in terrible conditions and allowing the most violent prisoners to terrorize the weaker ones only creates more pain and dysfunction and leads to more crime.

 

[bigj75]

yae i agree.

 

[Alnaresta]

I talked a little more with my friend who did almost 10 years. He said I could survive in there. That he'd seen people with worse situations and more mental problems manage to survive. But they also went through hell and back. Like some of the stuff he told me made me laugh and some of it made me shudder. It's really awful and I live in the worst state where they have this backward ass mindset of "makin dem felons suffer." Still the amount of time I'm facing is just unreal. I'll be at retirement age or past it when I get out, with no funds. No way I'll even make it that far. This society we live in with this 'lock em up' mentality is destroying itself. Soon over half the population will be in or have spent significant time in jail. Locking people up in terrible conditions and allowing the most violent prisoners to terrorize the weaker ones only creates more pain and dysfunction and leads to more crime.

We really are in almost the same situation then; while I was in jail I talked to a guy who had done 10yrs a great deal about the pen, his life, etc. He and another guy in there who have been in and out of prison for the past few decades of their lives said I would make it too, just judging from how I was while I was in jail with them for a month and a half, before my bail was granted. I'm not facing that much time though to where I'd be a senior citizen, but it could end up being a huge sentence, depends on the judge, etc, and I'm younger than you as well, but I digress. Personally I've become really 'religious' in the past 4 yrs in a way that desperately avoids the common hypocrisy and stereotypes that make a person a religious impostor, rather than honest believer. The thing is, I've failed to live up to my own expectations so many times that i I don't even care to try anymore, and if i'm just going to continue living in a useless, half-assed way then I don't see a reason to keep going anymore. Couple that with facing prison and all the difficulties life after lockup entails. And yeah, the system is really screwed up and the horror stories I've heard about what the system can do to you and how you can end up being treated is rough, to say the least.

I've really considered going off-grid to life in the forest, or something similar, but I just don't feel like that is even worth it either. And then again, you could always just face whatever it is you've got coming and deal with it every day as it comes. I thought about just accepting my crimes, whatever sentence they give me, doing my time, and spend all of that period focusing on becoming a stronger and better person. I just don't feel that way anymore after really thinking about things, and ctb is what i'm seriously planning for now. For me, I've lost my wife and family, my job, my college work, everything. Maybe if you've got some survival skills, or have enough time to work on them, you could really consider scrounging the proper equipment together to actually make it out there alone, it's very possible if you take the time to learn the area you want to be, what items you'll need, the food sources etc.

 

[Lookingforabus]

I've really considered going off-grid to life in the forest, or something similar, but I just don't feel like that is even worth it either.

Not that being a fugitive ever works out well in the modern world. It sucks while you're doing it (kiss almost every modem convenience goodbye), you'll get caught eventually, even if you do it well, and then they'll throw the book at you once you inevitably get caught.

Fugitive lived in isolated bunker for 3 years to evade arrest in Wisconsin

Jeremiah Button was sleeping in a homemade bunker in the woods on the morning of Aug. 9 when his three-year run from the law came to an end.

www.usatoday.com

 

[MAIO]

I have been borderline suicidal since my teens. For the most part avoided medication, although in retrospect probably would have helped immensely. I'm in my late 40's now and finally after a long struggle I felt like I was making some personal progress even though my life was crumbling around me. Still I held on to hope and kept a positive mental attitude and was making small daily progress. But a couple weeks ago I got arrested and throw in jail for something I can't disclose here but suffice to say the justice system is bullshit designed to make profit off the backs of taxpayers/prisoners. Aside from what I got thrown in for which, I admit I deserve to be punished for but the punishment is ridiculously disproportionate for what actually happened, I'm a very nice person, I don't even litter. I am nice to everyone and do my best to be a positive force in the universe. Which counts for jack shit as far as these people are concerned. I've never been in trouble in my whole life. I'll be honest, I was petrified. It was so dehumanizing. I felt like an animal I just wanted to knaw my hand off and bleed to death to get out of there. I was in complete shock. I never want to endure that again. I was only in there 2 days. I know a guy that was in for many years and he's out for years now and he's still has terrible ptsd. The time I'm facing, I'll be an old man or dead before I get out, or probably killed on the inside. I was already contemplating suicide before I got arrested because my life that I ruined falling apart. But after that, when thank God my family bailed me out, I headed straight home intent on squaring away a few details and catching the bus as quickly as possible before they could get their hands on me again. When I was in there I was discussing suicide with my cellmate and he was saying he was considering hanging himself with the bedsheet. But I didn't think it would work it's too thick and what he said he was going to attach it to looked like it would just slip off. The thought of not being able to kill myself and being stuck in prison forever terrified me. So I had decided to do it as soon as I got bailed out. But somehow I caught a ray of hope as I was about to do it and honestly I felt a little guilty because my family and friends had come together for me so fast and have been so damn supportive. So I've decided to try and fight it in court and am spending every last dime I have on lawyers hoping against hope for a miracle. Still the stain of this will never leave me the same. I'm still terrified though because they came and got me before while I was sleeping and I'm afraid they'll get me again before I have a chance to kill myself. I wish it was like in the movies where the spies had a cyanide tooth implanted just in case they got captured.

Have you considered leaving the country and never coming back?
Has your life been worth living so far? Would you relive your life over at this point? If the answer to those last two questions is no I would kill myself in your position at your age. Your movie is half way over you probably won't have done great ending to make it all worth it.

 

[ChristopherWalken]

Not that being a fugitive ever works out well in the modern world. It sucks while you're doing it (kiss almost every modem convenience goodbye), you'll get caught eventually, even if you do it well, and then they'll throw the book at you once you inevitably get caught.

Fugitive lived in isolated bunker for 3 years to evade arrest in Wisconsin

Jeremiah Button was sleeping in a homemade bunker in the woods on the morning of Aug. 9 when his three-year run from the law came to an end.

www.usatoday.com

Wow that guy had it all worked out and had he camouflaged his shelter a little better he would have never been caught. Problem is people are social animals and it sounded like loneliness was driving him crazy. Having read that I think becoming a survivalist would be totally doable with enough time, study, and preparation. But it would be just that, surviving with no real purpose. At some point you would require medical care for appendicitis or god knows what and you'd either die out there or get caught the minute you stumbled into an ER.
Still it's arguably better than being a slave worker for the state for the rest of, or a great deal of your life. Especially considering the few options there are for you on the outside when you get out. There are places that employ felons and I do remember the feeling I had when I got out, I was just so damn happy to be free of that place, it didn't matter to me if I'd have to be living poor as dirt as a shadow of my former life. I was just grateful to be out of prison. I reckon that feeling wears off after a few months of being out though and you start comparing yourself to others again.

 

[Lookingforabus]

Have you considered leaving the country and never coming back?

Rarely helps, even if it's possible. Every country shares data on their criminals these days, people with criminals records often can't get visas to enter another country, and it's pretty trivial for a background check (or a Google search) to turn up a criminal conviction in another country. Assuming your home country doesn't block you - if you're facing a prison term, that means indictment, which means you'll be arrested if you try to leave the country, generally.

If you feel like fleeing to a 3rd world hell hole or totalitarian rival of where ever your legal troubles occurred, and are somehow able to get past border control in your country, that might work... but of course, then you're stuck in a 3rd world hellhole or a totalitarian nightmare (you know, even more totalitarian that the "liberal" West, as unbelievable as that sounds).

Wow that guy had it all worked out and had he camouflaged his shelter a little better he would have never been caught. Problem is people are social animals and it sounded like loneliness was driving him crazy. Having read that I think becoming a survivalist would be totally doable with enough time, study, and preparation. But it would be just that, surviving with no real purpose. At some point you would require medical care for appendicitis or god knows what and you'd either die out there or get caught the minute you stumbled into an ER.

...and worse than that, it's just not feasible to store up supplies for the rest of your natural life, and expensive as hell, so, at some point you're going to have to leave your hidey-hole to scrounge up food, water, supplies (gas, toilet paper, whatever), and that's when fugitive survivalists tend to get caught. It frankly sounds worse than death, and lots have tried, ultimately without success.

Troy Knapp, "Mountain Man" survivalist, arrested after years of alleged Utah cabin burglaries, authorities say

Troy Knapp was armed with several rifles and wearing camouflage clothes when he was captured by Utah authorities

www.cbsnews.com

Hermit caught after 27 years in Maine woods

Christopher Knight, who disappeared aged 19, lived by stealing food and supplies from woodland camps in Maine, say police

www.theguardian.com

Eric Rudolph - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[HGL91]

I have been borderline suicidal since my teens. For the most part avoided medication, although in retrospect probably would have helped immensely. I'm in my late 40's now and finally after a long struggle I felt like I was making some personal progress even though my life was crumbling around me. Still I held on to hope and kept a positive mental attitude and was making small daily progress. But a couple weeks ago I got arrested and throw in jail for something I can't disclose here but suffice to say the justice system is bullshit designed to make profit off the backs of taxpayers/prisoners. Aside from what I got thrown in for which, I admit I deserve to be punished for but the punishment is ridiculously disproportionate for what actually happened, I'm a very nice person, I don't even litter. I am nice to everyone and do my best to be a positive force in the universe. Which counts for jack shit as far as these people are concerned. I've never been in trouble in my whole life. I'll be honest, I was petrified. It was so dehumanizing. I felt like an animal I just wanted to knaw my hand off and bleed to death to get out of there. I was in complete shock. I never want to endure that again. I was only in there 2 days. I know a guy that was in for many years and he's out for years now and he's still has terrible ptsd. The time I'm facing, I'll be an old man or dead before I get out, or probably killed on the inside. I was already contemplating suicide before I got arrested because my life that I ruined falling apart. But after that, when thank God my family bailed me out, I headed straight home intent on squaring away a few details and catching the bus as quickly as possible before they could get their hands on me again. When I was in there I was discussing suicide with my cellmate and he was saying he was considering hanging himself with the bedsheet. But I didn't think it would work it's too thick and what he said he was going to attach it to looked like it would just slip off. The thought of not being able to kill myself and being stuck in prison forever terrified me. So I had decided to do it as soon as I got bailed out. But somehow I caught a ray of hope as I was about to do it and honestly I felt a little guilty because my family and friends had come together for me so fast and have been so damn supportive. So I've decided to try and fight it in court and am spending every last dime I have on lawyers hoping against hope for a miracle. Still the stain of this will never leave me the same. I'm still terrified though because they came and got me before while I was sleeping and I'm afraid they'll get me again before I have a chance to kill myself. I wish it was like in the movies where the spies had a cyanide tooth implanted just in case they got captured.

That's good you have friends and family that are supportive though.

 

[Alnaresta]

Reading the last few posts really reasserts the reality of our situation; it's either die or try. I'm sure there are some folks who have lived in the wilderness without being forced to dig around landfills, raid winter cabins, etc. but you wouldn't hear about them. I don't know that it would really be living without purpose if you can really appreciate nature and meditate/pray through the particularly hard periods. Suicide has always been on my mind in some capacity all my life, so that makes this all a little easier. I do ultimately feel that the law will eventually catch up with a person though, in due time.

 

[ChristopherWalken]

And the other thing is, in the examples given, those guys were out there for years, one dude for 27 fucking years. That's a freaking lifetime in the wilderness. Anyway, when you're looking down the barrell of 20 years as a state slave and thug punching/abuse/xxx bag, 2-3 years of freedom in the wild is amazing especially if you plan to die out there before being caught.