Discussion Anyone constantly in a suicidal state?

[Khyber]

I've been suicidal on and off for many years. When I joined this forum quite recently I was in a very bad place. I was extremely depressed and my only focus was suicide (thinking about, planning it and my funeral, researching it etc). I probably go through 2 or 3 suicidal periods per year which probably last at least 6-8 weeks each.

My depression is lifting slightly so I'm not completely obsessed with suicide like I was a few weeks ago however, I'm still pretty sad all the time.

When I was in that dark place, I couldn't have focused on anything else or thought about suicide in a rational way. Suicide was my only option, my comfort and my way of having some control. I couldn't have seen me feeling even slightly better again, even though it has been the same pattern for many years. (I've been reading a book on suicide and it just dawned on me,although in hindsight it's been obvious for years)

I'm just wondering if anyone has been feeling suicidal constantly without having some respite from it at some stage?

 

[Ryan.s]

I've been suicidal on and off for many years. When I joined this forum quite recently I was in a very bad place. I was extremely depressed and my only focus was suicide (thinking about, planning it and my funeral, researching it etc). I probably go through 2 or 3 suicidal periods per year which probably last at least 6-8 weeks each.

My depression is lifting slightly so I'm not completely obsessed with suicide like I was a few weeks ago however, I'm still pretty sad all the time.

When I was in that dark place, I couldn't have focused on anything else or thought about suicide in a rational way. Suicide was my only option, my comfort and my way of having some control. I couldn't have seen me feeling even slightly better again, even though it has been the same pattern for many years. (I've been reading a book on suicide and it just dawned on me,although in hindsight it's been obvious for years)

I'm just wondering if anyone has been feeling suicidal constantly without having some respite from it at some stage?

I haven't gone one day in I would say year, where I didn't think about killing myself. I think when you know you are doomed so to say, or there is no hope it makes you constantly think of suicide.

 

[gnomeboy17]

For about 3 years now, when ever something goes slightly wrong, my immediate thought is, "if you had killed yourself this wouldn't have happened, so you should just kill yourself now" and this is light, when I drop my change or something.

 

[GoBack]

It's been so long now it's hard to think of anything else. I'm numb to it, don't cry anymore, or feel sad. Just nothing. Except panic when I think of how life could have been, then apathy blocks that out again

 

[SheJumped]

It's part of everyday for me. I go to work, try to function as normal I can in social settings the thought is in the back of my mind, be a parent do the best I can, the thought still lingers.

 

[darkhorse256]

I think about it everyday, mostly because I don't see a way out.

 

[Rue89]

Suicide is always on my mind. There's rarely a moment that I'm not thinking about it. I can't stop the thoughts and the longing for an opportunity to be able to do it. I don't really want to stop them anymore; I just want to stop living. I figure the constant longing will help me go through with it.

 

[Oh so tired]

I've felt suicidal pretty much the whole time since about October, the intensity varies from vague thoughts to serious planning with intent. It is always there to some degree. I sympathise as it is so hard living with these thoughts. I have a constant battle going on in my head and it's exhausting.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I have thoughts throughout the day and strong urges almost every day

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I think I'll go back to that state.

 

[MaybeSoon]

Almost every day.

 

[coyguy]

All the time for me

 

[toomuchgrief]

Me. Unless I'm sleeping, as long as I wake up and have a conscious there isn't a second go by that I don't think of kill myself. Only death can end all these pain.

 

[Kumachan]

all the time, every thought eventually leads back to ctb

 

[Ardesevent]

It's kind of a constant for me, I've lived out 1/3 of my life in this pitiful state. I used to get panicked if I was in situations where I couldn't kill myself, even for a night, like staying at a friend's house. Don't know if I still do, it's been years since I've had the opportunity to do something like that.

 

[Squiddy]

Yup it's an everyday thing for me. Though some days are a little worse.

 

[bpdpos1]

Yes...an everyday thing for me too. At least sadness is. I was just thinking about this earlier today...I go through many suicidal phases a year also. I have periods when I'm better but still sad about my life.

 

[I screwed up]

I think about it everyday, mostly because I don't see a way out.

Exactly my situation

 

[AcornUnderground]

Every minute of every day.

 

[Mooshi]

Every hour, everyday

 

[BPD Barbie]

I used to be a couple of months ago when I first joined the site. Suicide and death were all I could think about and they both gave me huge amounts of comfort to think about. Suicide became almost an obsession. It's eased somewhat now, but it's still there. I don't know if it ever truly goes.

 

[plough22]

Everyday for last two years, things have overtaken me and I look for peace. I see the different methods, I'd like to get N but a supplier who'll get it to me. I am looking for PEACE. my head will stop overthinking, PEACE

 

[I_love_to_bake]

Everyday for last two years, things have overtaken me and I look for peace. I see the different methods, I'd like to get N but a supplier who'll get it to me. I am looking for PEACE. my head will stop overthinking, PEACE

I wish you find that peace someday some way

 

[mold]

on and off. there are times i get hopeful and think something comes around and magically "cures" my depression (deep down i know it's only going to go to shit, but at least i'm hopeful lol). it's either really really bad, or pretty alright. but it's always definitely there

 

[muffin222]

Yes


Minor inconvenience or stressful situation:

My brain: I wanna die, I wanna KILL myself


It's not healthy, I know

 

[Bct]

It has been only around two months, but I constantly waking up with the thoughts of me drinking a cup of SN and thinking how wonderful if it happens

 

[a.n.kirillov]

It started about five months ago and has been on my mind everyday since.

 

[porfin1234]

All my life. Even under the best of circumstances. Oh well.