Discussion anyone came to terms with the fact that they won't cbt even if they are extremely suicidal?

[ecmnesia]

how is it like for you? how do you intent to go on in life?

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I haven't made plans to ctb because I'm unable to right now (no method and living with parents). I don't know whether it will end up driving me to do something stupid or impulsive. It feels like it's slowly driving me insane

 

[ecmnesia]

I haven't made plans to ctb because I'm unable to right now (no method and living with parents). I don't know whether it will end up driving me to do something stupid or impulsive. It feels like it's slowly driving me insane

can relate. sorry for you, tho.

btw that picture was not what i was looking for, but boy, did I need it.

 

[WornOutLife]

I try to spend my time doing things I enjoy such as learning languages and playing videogames but deep in my heart, I know I'm getting older and older and there will be a day in which it'll be so much that I'll CTB anyway.
I'm not planning to live +60 years and die like an old man. Sounds horrible.

 

[_Kaira_]

I constantly go back and forth between desperately wanting to and being to scared to go through with it. Nearly just as bad as my bipolar disorder. At the end of the day, I have no funds to get the things I need to painlessly off myself. So I probably can't unless I find a partner who doesn't mind supplying everything we'd both need, including travel.

 

[TheSomebody]

I have this feeling that i will never be able to do it. My SI is very strong and I am very unmotivated even to plan my ctb. But everyone has their limit, if things get too bad, nothing will stop me from ctb.

 

[ecmnesia]

I try to spend my time doing things I enjoy such as learning languages and playing videogames but deep in my heart, I know I'm getting older and older and there will be a day in which it'll be so much that I'll CTB anyway.
I'm not planning to live +60 years and die like an old man. Sounds horrible.

I try this approach as well, most of the time it doesn't work tho. As you, I feel like I am just waiting until it gets too much and I won't ever care anymore. Fuck no, getting old seems like hell. I'm hoping that I can fuck up my health so bad that I will die young.

I have this feeling that i will never be able to do it. My SI is very strong and I am very unmotivated even to plan my ctb. But everyone has their limit, if things get too bad, nothing will stop me from ctb.

while I do actually have a plan, I have the seem thing. kind of expecting that moment. it's the only thing I hope for.

 

[TAW122]

I'm just a circumstance along with the right catalyst(s) away from CTB'ing. I have gotten close to times where I could very well have just CTB'd but just decided to postpone it a bit more. However, end of this year or in the near future. So in short, I will CTB, but when isn't exactly set in stone yet.

 

[ecmnesia]

I constantly go back and forth between desperately wanting to and being to scared to go through with it. Nearly just as bad as my bipolar disorder. At the end of the day, I have no funds to get the things I need to painlessly off myself. So I probably can't unless I find a partner who doesn't mind supplying everything we'd both need, including travel.

yes, that's why I'd like a partner, not for the supply part (I'm sorry for you tho). I hate my inconsistency, till wednesday cbt was a certain, but somehow, coming as close as never before to it (I bought the SN) made me step back.

 

[_Kaira_]

yes, that's why I'd like a partner, not for the supply part (I'm sorry for you tho). I hate my inconsistency, till wednesday cbt was a certain, but somehow, coming as close as never before to it (I bought the SN) made me step back.

I had posted in the partners thread after I signed up as soon as I could. My desperation to CTB was probably at it's highest than it's been in a long time that night. I had a couple pm's about it. I felt bad that I couldn't come up with a precise answer when they asked when where and how afterwards. Chickened out.

You can do that and still not die, which is worse than anything. Smoking for example may not kill you but make you so you can't take a breath easily and you live that way indefinitely.

Precisely why I don't want to rush into CTB without proper preparation. My life is already a living hell. Don't need to botch the process further countless times.

 

[ecmnesia]

You can do that and still not die, which is worse than anything. Smoking for example may not kill you but make you so you can't take a breath easily and you live that way indefinitely.

indeed. still a messed up health increase the chances of dying, comorbiditys can actually turn a simple treatable disease deadly. you are not wrong tho. guess it's just something I do to distract myself from the fact that I'm a coward and can't go all the way through, makes things more tolerable.

 

[Ghost2211]

It will likely be like 20 years till I can ctb without feeling like a horrible person for leaving children. I've been coming to terms with that over the year that I've been lurking and posting. I try to take it one day at a time, and focus on small pleasures in life. I can speak openly with my therapist about suicide now since it's been so long I'm not seen as an immediate risk. Books, music, tv, movies, and gaming help too. I think it comes down to just accepting we are stuck in limbo, and trying to make the best of it. It's ok, death has to come sooner or later.

 

[StateOfMind]

I haven't made plans to ctb because I'm unable to right now (no method and living with parents). I don't know whether it will end up driving me to do something stupid or impulsive. It feels like it's slowly driving me insane

I'm sorry you are in this situation. For me this is the stuff of nightmares.

 

[_Kaira_]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. For me this is the stuff of nightmares.

Should never even have to come down to this choice. But there's not many other possible options considering all things. Makes me feel sick.

 

[Painless_end]

Too hard for me to accept something like that. I deeply believed many years ago when I realised I was very low functional and depressed for the first time, that I would CTB sooner or later.

8 years have gone since then I am still alive. But life is a nightmare for a low functional person with neurological issues like me.

I still want to believe that some day I will CTB.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I really haven't come to terms with it...I'm extremely saddened I can't die but can't live. I'm either waiting to be pushed over edge (which might be coming up again) or sadly hanging my head stuck in limbo waiting for my mom to pass. I just go through the motions...I mostly just sit and stare, read or sleep. I know one day I'll finally ctb because I'll be damn if I'm going past age 50.. but when I can't say unless I'm pushed over edge.

 

[suzylou]

i have everything to do it rn but i'm waiting till i can get 1) N or 2) a gun. I dont want any possibility of messing it up. even at my most suicidal this year i didnt do it because i was worried of my roommates finding out before i finally did it. Who knows if i ever will go through with it when the time comes

 

[dilapidatedMind]

That notion will be tossed aside when life drops you to a level of pain that you can't withstand.

 

[amnotreal]

i still plan to but am so worried about failing and ending up in a hospital the fear keeps me from it plus i have kids. i am trying to wait until they grow up and move out.

 

[Mr2005]

I don't think that's anything to come to terms with only be honest about

 

[Final_frontier]

This is what I fear. I'm only 26 and have a terrible quality of life due to mental illness and now PSSD is driving me very suicidal but I'm still a chicken. My family tells me I'm a chicken and I'll never be able to do it. They could be right.

 

[I want to end it]

I'm just a circumstance along with the right catalyst(s) away from CTB'ing. I have gotten close to times where I could very well have just CTB'd but just decided to postpone it a bit more. However, end of this year or in the near future. So in short, I will CTB, but when isn't exactly set in stone yet.

Me too. You described it well for me. I have been here 2 and a half years as well. The next time I get sufficient time alone, I will probably finally break and just do it.

 

[Metalhead]

I constantly go back and forth between desperately wanting to and being to scared to go through with it. Nearly just as bad as my bipolar disorder. At the end of the day, I have no funds to get the things I need to painlessly off myself. So I probably can't unless I find a partner who doesn't mind supplying everything we'd both need, including travel.

Are you bipolar 1 or 2 ?

 

[TripleA]

how is it like for you? how do you intent to go on in life?

It is CTB catch the bus not CBT

 

[happyhappyfunny]

Only partly. I made a promise to myself that i wouldn't ctb until my mother's gone. I dont care abt my friends and i've never had a father so she's the only person that matters in terms of ctb-ing. It's not like suddenly i get to live my best life until it happens, but at least i dont feel bad anymore for not actually trying to ctb since i know i dont have to do it now.

 

[peacechoice]

yes, that's why I'd like a partner, not for the supply part (I'm sorry for you tho). I hate my inconsistency, till wednesday cbt was a certain, but somehow, coming as close as never before to it (I bought the SN) made me step back.

**quietly raises hand in the background lol. I would very much need someone to for through with it not because it takes some convincing (I am already sure I want to die), but because I need someone to feel like I am not alone and scared in a motel room.

 

[deadbeat]

I can't ctb right now because I don't have access to my preferred methods and I live in a house with five other people, some of which are children. Ideally I'd like to ctb in my bedroom to ensure that I'm found soon after, but imagining the aftermath with the kids' finding out makes me uncomfortable.

 

[Rafa-11:11]

It's so strange how people get hit slightly in the head and die instantly while others take 10 hits of .40 caliber and get to walk out of the hospital in a few weeks, such a strange thing. I used to be uncomfortable around death or when someone dies, now I just feel some sort of happiness and a healthy dose of envy because they made it through.

 

[madbananas]

I haven't made plans to ctb because I'm unable to right now (no method and living with parents). I don't know whether it will end up driving me to do something stupid or impulsive. It feels like it's slowly driving me insane

This is literally happening to me already. Because I'm stuck in my living situation, I am basically holding in all my suicidal feelings and I am now having regular impulsive suicidal outbursts which are so intense my mind stops functioning, which feels like it's going into overdrive. Then I'm in a position where I can't think properly to actually ctb by my method of choice.
I'm sorry you feel stuck right now. Sending hugs.

 

[Gentleman]

I think this thread should be in recovery.
I still have SI but I made the decision to go through whatever life throws at me. It sounds contradictory but that's mental illness for you.