Anyone behind in life due to severe trauma/abuse?

[Water-Lily]

I am 24 years old and still live at home. I have been job hunting and all I have so far is my BA in Psychology.

I think about how heavily controlled and abused I was. I was treated like a doll, unable to take care of myself. My mother was extremely narcissistic and controlling. I had no identity and abuse was daily and constant. A battle zone that left me extremely suicidal since I was 12. As I got older it never got better. I was hospitalized at 18, and even after I felt very much like a child

I didn't know who I was becuase I wasn't raised in a healthy way. I had to survive and appease the desires of my mom rather than grow in a loving environment. Now with her dead and me being older, I feel like a failure. My friends older and younger have either moved out or are living on their own. Meanwhile I am still here, job hunting and hoping for something so I can start saving. My dad is getting old and I always feel like time is running out.

I often feel if I was raised with freedom and love I'd be farther ahead. I'm so ashamed of myself. I should be more ahead….

 

[Nolan96]

You really have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of yourself. You survived abuse while also managing to get yourself a college degree. That's very impressive. I'm 25 and a college dropout with no serious career prospects.

I'm sure you'd be doing better if you hadn't been restricted from blossoming by your abuser. But she's gone now and I'd encourage you to take the opportunity to heal and make what you can of your life.

 

[Water-Lily]

You really have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of yourself. You survived abuse while also managing to get yourself a college degree. That's very impressive. I'm 25 and a college dropout with no serious job prospects.

I'm sure you'd be doing better if you hadn't been restricted from blossoming by your abuser. But she's gone now and I'd encourage you to take the opportunity to heal and make what you can of your life.

thank you, I am trying. I sometimes feel that with so much trauma, maybe healing isn't fully possible. I knock off almost all the ACE's (a test that measures abuse types). The more ACE's, the more mental health and chronic issues along with diminished life span.

I really wish my mom loved me normally. I think she did, but she was incapable of doing better. Instead of breaking the cycle of abuse, she passed it down. I honestly wish she died earlier.

 

[Nolan96]

with so much trauma, maybe healing isn't fully possible.

I'm not one to say you need to just forgive and let go. I can't imagine that I ever could in a situation like that.
I wish you the best in managing the trauma. It's terrible that people do cruel and damaging things to their own children.
I hope things get better for you over time even if there's no perfect Disney ending.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm not one to say you need to just forgive and let go. I can't imagine that I ever could in a situation like that.
I wish you the best in managing the trauma. It's terrible that people do these things to their own children.
I hope things get better for you over time even if there's no perfect Disney ending.

yeah, I have been fed the whole "forgive and forget" card enough times already
the reality is that people don't like dealing with abuse, and so they want the victim to "forgive" so they can feel better and pretend the abuser is a good person
I find this happens a lot, sadly

I don't think I'll get a perfect ending that many fortunate people do
I'll probably get the "decent enough" ending for someone with my trauma
I can't aspire or hope for too much since I doubt I'd get very far mentally
the cheer weight of everything I have experienced up until this point really hit

I just sometimes ask why? Why me? Why was I born into this situation? I know people say to "make the best of the cards you were dealt". But thats just easy. it's so fucking hard. When I see my friends who, have struggles, but no where near my level, I just want to cry and rage. Why did they get handed easy mode and I got super hard/impossible suicidal mode? Why couldn't I have been blessed with an easier life? I got a mom who was a narcissistic crazy monster who should not have had kids, and enabling father, and a narc transformed brother. My whole family is filled with abuse and trauma and no one is "good".

I sometimes feel like dying just so I could get a re roll and hopefully be reborn into something better. Or if that doesn't exist, some form of peace.
It's why I think euthanasia for mental illness should be more legalized. Life is hard enough. Life with severe trauma and a lack of resources from the start is even harder. And while I believe in recovery (living your life the best with the limitations of your trauma) I don't think that is feasible for everyone. Life just sucks.

 

[Nolan96]

Why was I born into this situation?

No child deserves abuse. And I think the world is very hesitant to recognize child abuse. I'm no expert, but to me it seems like you've made an important step by acknowledging it and trying to take care of yourself without sweeping it all under the rug.

 

[Water-Lily]

No child deserves abuse. And I think the world is very hesitant to recognize child abuse. I'm no expert, but to me it seems like you've made an important step by acknowledging it and trying to take care of yourself without sweeping it all under the rug.

I try to. If not I'll just fuck up my life more
My mom showed me what happens when you don't heal your traumas. Form what I know of her life, she was abused horrifically. Every type of abuse she experienced, even sexual incest. She never got help for it and likely just repressed everything. My life was her abusing me and everyone around her. She abused my father and tried to kill him and me. She abused my brother, and other people in her life. She scraamed at people over the phone, my grandparents, and always had some kind of melt down. She was a psychotic mess. The one time she went to therapy she left in tears because the therapist had the audacity to assume she had childhood trauma. She never dealt with anything and it seemed she was genuinely out of control.

 

[Nolan96]

The one time she went to therapy she left in tears because the therapist had the audacity to assume she had childhood trauma. She never dealt with anything and it seemed she was genuinely out of control.

You should feel proud of yourself for having the self-awareness which is an absolutely necessary ingredient to break the cycle.

 

[Water-Lily]

You should feel proud of yourself for having the self-awareness which is an absolutely necessary ingredient to break the cycle.

Thank you. yes you need self awareness.
Also, in that healing/therapy/medication/etc doesn't mean being 100% better. Trauma stays with you for life. Healing is learning to live with the likely permanent trauma symptoms not eliminating them.
My mom had her moments where she was decent. Moments here and there when it seemed she was able to think clearly. Those were happier times. But they never lasted long. Sort of like she lost the battle of mental illness and trauma. When she died I don't think she was happy. I think she realized she died a failure. That's a level of guilt I do not want on my conscious.
I don't even think she wanted me to be sad. She just couldn't see me outside of herself. She projected all the things she hated on herself to me. Every time she absued me, she was by extension hurting a version of herself. Was never about me, was about her. But sadly I got the brunt of it.
Like I was a mirror and all she kept seeing was herself. Any attempts at me standing up for or being my own person was shot down by her. Like my independence was a threat to her own self hatred. And since she already hated herself, she had to shut me or "her" down. All selfish

 

[Ainsley]

I see so much of my own story reflected in yours. I am still struggling with some similar themes myself so I have no advice, and for that I apologize, but I can offer some validation: you are not the only one struggling with these things. I exist in you, and you in I. Birds of a feather, my friend.
My greatest wish for you is that you may know peace.

 

[Water-Lily]

I see so much of my own story reflected in yours. I am still struggling with some similar themes myself so I have no advice, and for that I apologize, but I can offer some validation: you are not the only one struggling with these things. I exist in you, and you in I. Birds of a feather, my friend.
My greatest wish for you is that you may know peace.

thank you so much sweet heart. Its an awful pain when parents fail so hard.

 

[Ratcycling]

I don't know if it helps, but I can entirely relate to having you life path stunted by trauma and mental illness. I find it's quite common for people who have gone through serious trauma to not be at the same stage of life as other people their age. Trauma can trap you, it can hold you back from accomplishing what you're actually capable of.

I'm 26 and I haven't even gotten my BA yet. I still have another year to go, I can't handle a full-time course load so a 4 year degree will be 5.5 years. I've worked in a shitty dead end retail job for 8 years. I dont even have a full driver's license. I live in a room in my best friend's house and have never lived on my own. Since graduating high school 8 years ago I've watched everyone I know surpass me and go on to bigger and better things. It's a horrible feeling.

But I do find some consolation in knowing as far as traumatised people go, this is common. I hope that both of us can eventually get to a point where we have some kind of success or peace, even if it's small to others, for those with severe trauma any progress is big.

 

[Mixo]

When one survives childhood abuse, I think it can stain your mind in a particular way that is enduring, such that escape from that toxic environment is not enough to mitigate the bruises they leave behind - the way you view yourself, your emotional functioning, your behavior in intimate/social relationships - the effects are just too vast and multi-faceted. They will be with you in some form for the rest of your life, but it shouldn't be a death sentence in and of itself.

I guess it's our task to try and find ways of coping with the dysfunctionality that abuse leaves behind. Life will never be perfect for people like us, but we can try to make it as perfect as we can, depending on the internal/external resources involved. One thing I learned when trying to overcome the most haunting, pervasive, and lingering parts of childhood abuse is to avoid any possibility of self-comparison as much as possible. It's hard. I still give into that tendency of comparing myself to people who have no history of trauma, abuse, illness, and are well. But you have to think of these issues as being a special kind of disability, one that's deserving of its own acknowledgement and with its own limitations. "Behind" to others may in all actuality be "on track" if you are seeking solutions and new ways of coping.

Also, for what it's worth, obtaining education into your mid-20s is quite common nowadays. People often opt to work for a while, save money for education, and start later. It's a very sensible route to take, imo. Don't give up on yourself just yet.