Anybody feel like a hazard/danger?

[LuzurPhagget]

Whether intentional or not.

Truth be told, I have thought about killing someone. Fuck. I feel so ashamed. I thought he wronged me. I don't think he did. I think he actually did right by me. It's just my crazy ass. I honestly don't think I would have gone through with it (I think I have some conscience), but I truly entertained the idea. Jesus, I truly am a nutcase. This wasn't the first time I've actually thought about killing someone either. Again, the last time I truly thought about it I truly perceived I was wronged and honestly don't think I would have gone through with it. But now I understand the other person's confusion and probably would have done the same. But jesus christ, I really entertained the idea! Fuck, this is NOT normal. I am a freakshow.

Now, I have returned to my depressed state and can't imagine murdering someone as I am too "humbled" to imagine any mistake/fuck-up NOT being my fault or like I didn't deserve it. I just feel incredibly retarded. I feel so out of touch with everything. I feel accident-prone. I have actually been in a workplace accident and it was all my fucking fault. And just last year, I almost got into another accident (I could have really fucked up some guy's fingers!). I still cringe thinking about it. That's what prompted me to go to the hospital last year. And now, I'm depressed again. I just feel like it's a matter of time before I get into another accident or I break something expensive. So fucking retarded.

What the fuck do I do?

 

[ron_g]

Maybe try to stay away to some degree from situations or opportunities that would allow you to mess things up. When you do have to face such situations, try a bit harder to control yourself. Also, try to analyze what makes you behave that way. But don't insult yourself, this probably won't help.

 

[Darkhaven]

Not a day goes by....

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Maybe try to stay away to some degree from situations or opportunities that would allow you to mess things up. When you do have to face such situations, try a bit harder to control yourself. Also, try to analyze what makes you behave that way. But don't insult yourself, this probably won't help.

Like work in general? Lol. And man, feels like everything's out of my control.

 

[ron_g]

Like work in general? Lol. And man, feels like everything's out of my control.

That's why I said "to some degree". I understand you can't avoid work. You could think about how to do things in a safer way so accidents are less likely to happen.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

That's why I said "to some degree". I understand you can't avoid work. You could think about how to do things in a safer way so accidents are less likely to happen.

I see. Honestly, my job is fairly easy and safe. The most dangerous part of my days is probably just the drive to work. But it just sucks because I would really like to help people at work when something out of the ordinary happens and I need to think off my feet for a solution, but I just feel so retarded and useless and accident-prone so I rationalize to myself it's safer if I DON'T lend a hand. And then I feel like an asshole. Sigh. Just can't win.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'd have to really, really hate someone to even consider that and I don't have anyone in my personal life that I hate enough (thankfully.)

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I'd have to really, really hate someone to consider that and I don't have anyone in my personal life that I hate enough.

... thanks?? Lol, I know. I'm a piece of shit. But for what it's worth, now, I don't think I would defend myself if somebody attacked me/did an injustice to me and would just accept it.

 

[Wayfaerer]

... thanks?? Lol, I know. I'm a piece of shit. But for what it's worth, now, I don't think I would defend myself if somebody attacked me/did an injustice to me and would just accept it.

You don't need to justify you're inner-postal-worker, I don't think you're a piece of shit for just having thoughts. You struggle with a lot of guilt it seems. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself if you can help it.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

You don't need to justify you're inner-postal-worker, I don't think you're a piece of shit for just having thoughts. You struggle with a lot of guilt it seems. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself if you can help it.

I...guess...But it's just a little unnerving that my mind even went there/is capable of going there. It's not "normal."

 

[Sadwind]

Sometimes your brain will hand you irrational thoughts or fantasies as a way to cope with feelings of worthlessness or helplessness. It doesn't mean you're bad, as long as you don't act on them. Your brain is trying to tell you that it hurts, and it wants you to act out to relieve the pain.

Don't be so hard on yourself luzur. You're OK in my book for what it's worth

 

[CursedForDisaster]

I don't think I could do it but I fantasize about some messed up things. Just don't make any victims

 

[Disintegration]

Been walking around and thinking about slitting everyone's throats lately. Certainly not my usual behavior. I more recently started to convince myself that we live in a universe that encourages and appreciates violence. It can be frightening to lose control of your inhibitions to cause harm to others.