Anybody else swing wildly between ctb and attempting to live?

[Final Escape]

Omg! Today was one of those days where things need to be done and I had intense negativity and even what felt like a rage bubbling just under the surface lol! I finally broke down and took tiny bit of my Adderall but it still took my friend to talk me down from the ledge. We sat there texting for awhile and finally I could deal with getting myself out of the apartment to do a few things. I wish there was a way without having to do tremendous work to change my intensely negative outlook. I wish I had the opposite problem, being overly optimistic. Your thoughts do create your reality in many ways. 90% of what u think about today will be the same tomorrow. That's why it sucks because I think this is an issue for many people. You can change the quality of your internal dialogue but it takes weeks and repetition creating different positive thoughts to interrupt the negative thoughts for awhile till it begins to stick.

 

[Kdawg2018]

Its hard for me to attempt to live when I want to ctb so bad. My quality of life is zero because my mental state is declining and I'm obessed with ctb. My only fears are failure as my life can get much worse

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Anybody else swing wildly

I thought this was going to be pretty juicy for a minute there, but yes I do. By default I have a depressed mood going on and feel ready to succumb to death at any given time, but then I get little bursts of enthusiasm or optimism here and there - all invariably short-lived and naive, but sometimes just enough to pull me out of a slump. Still, I'm always let down when things go wrong for the millionth time, and then I think "why did I bother getting my hopes up?"

At this point it just feels stupid to believe in any kind of turnaround. I'm tired of getting egg on my face and thinking it can all get better. I can change my internal dialogue but I can't change my bad luck and the universe hating me.

 

[Final Escape]

I thought this was going to be pretty juicy for a minute there, but yes I do. By default I have a depressed mood going on and feel ready to succumb to death at any given time, but then I get little bursts of enthusiasm or optimism here and there - all invariably short-lived and naive, but sometimes just enough to pull me out of a slump. Still, I'm always let down when things go wrong for the millionth time, and then I think "why did I bother getting my hopes up?"

At this point it just feels stupid to believe in any kind of turnaround. I'm tired of getting egg on my face and thinking it can all get better. I can change my internal dialogue but I can't change my bad luck and the universe hating me.

The universe doesn't hate u lol! I totally understand the daily struggles and because I have a very low threshold for frustration and often tend to avoid difficult or uncomfortable tasks. This is probably my worst trait. Avoiding things that cause stress and I hate doing. I'm sure to a degree this is common but I think unless it's debilitating and impedes progress towards a less chaotic existence than it's a problem. I have a short burst of enthusiasm temporarily because I took some Adderall so better take advantage b4 I'm a couch slug yet again lol!

 

[Final Escape]

Its hard for me to attempt to live when I want to ctb so bad. My quality of life is zero because my mental state is declining and I'm obessed with ctb. My only fears are failure as my life can get much worse

What's the matter? I mean I don't know anything about your story. Most of us I think have significant things that went wrong and it's difficult to get over or move on. Or in my case my rent is I shit u not, 1,600 per month lol! I'm only able to afford this bc of the nature of what I do for work but it's still killing me financially and I have to find a different job because I'm not sure if I could find a better living situation if I told a renter what I do for a living. I would have to rent from a private renter who is cool with my job. Anyway that's one reason I'm pretty stressed and miserable.

 

[Kdawg2018]

What's the matter? I mean I don't know anything about your story. Most of us I think have significant things that went wrong and it's difficult to get over or move on. Or in my case my rent is I shit u not, 1,600 per month lol! I'm only able to afford this bc of the nature of what I do for work but it's still killing me financially and I have to find a different job because I'm not sure if I could find a better living situation if I told a renter what I do for a living. I would have to rent from a private renter who is cool with my job. Anyway that's one reason I'm pretty stressed and miserable.

My rent is $2,500/MO. No job. My brain hurts all the time, Im not willing to work low wages anymore, plus with mental breakdowns, I am not able to work anymore

 

[Gainax]

i can relate to that, already got all i need to ctb by sn lab grade, but now im waiting for a food grade sn..perhaps im just stalling

 

[Ghastly]

I feel like I'm doing both, living and planning to ctb. It's confusing because I don't hate my life I'm just exhausted and forsee things unraveling quickly at some point. I'm approaching a precipice and while I'm still a ways away, it's comforting and important to me to be prepared for when I want out. It quells my mind honestly to have accepted that I want to ctb, it's very sound and rational. Maybe I won't do it though because I can always go a little longer..ya know?

 

[Empty Smile]

Its hard for me to attempt to live when I want to ctb so bad. My quality of life is zero because my mental state is declining and I'm obessed with ctb. My only fears are failure as my life can get much worse

My thoughts exactly.


My problem with swinging back and forth on living or dying, everything kdawg said, fits me to a T. I have to ctb, there are no if and or buts about it.

My weakness is being in the woods(which I now think is a bad idea for me to do). It's the only place I can be where it's quiet, and there are no people(which I absolutely love).

My problem with the woods is it relaxes me to much, and it takes a lot off my mind. So I don't think the woods is going to be a good place for me to go, even though that's where I want to ctb.

 

[Final Escape]

My rent is $2,500/MO. No job. My brain hurts all the time, Im not willing to work low wages anymore, plus with mental breakdowns, I am not able to work anymore

Oh god :(" fricking rent these days is pricing people out of a acceptable living situation. It's so scary, and I think it will get worse. I mean I know it will get worse because we may go into hyperinflation and the printed money will be worth nothing. Exactly when this will happen nobody knows but I'm sure it's not far off. Right those low wage jobs are hell, they can be. Tons of hours, rotating shifts, often crappy management because at the entry level management typically is worse than better quality jobs.

 

[Hollie]

I wouldn't say I'm attempting to live as much as life is chucking days at me and I keep somehow finding myself at the end of them

 

[Lefty]

I have days like these. They are starting to happen a little more frequently. I have anti-depressants, but its a low dosage and I don't think they will work effectively, even if the dosage was bumped up. My mental health is also detoriating as the days go by. Then there are times when I feel like I can live. However, I know eventually, I must CTB, because I can't carry on like this much longer.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

I used to have times where I would try to live in between the attempts but not anymore. I feel completely done. Too much for far too long broke me down.

 

[Made4TV]

Yes! Definitely feeling this right now. I was all set to ctb tomorrow actually - been planning it for weeks (actively tying up loose ends after months of planning), but then suddenly had an opportunity to get a surgery I needed at no cost before the end of the year. So I took it...and now...I'm going to start physical therapy tomorrow (had surgery on Tuesday). And I'm like - wait, so...am I living now? lol
Jesus. So confusing.

 

[TAW122]

Yes, in the past, I did swing between wanting to ctb and attempting to stick it out. Usually, I get so tormented that I stop doing what I need to do to be functional. When I was in school at uni, I was so tormented and anguished that I could not focus on my schoolwork and studies, and would often spend countless hours on end thinking about death, suicide, and other morbid fantasies. I also stayed up very late and woke up late into the afternoon after being so dysfunctional and what not. When I finally got tired enough and went to sleep, I woke up to rinse and repeat the same torment again and again.

There was a time where I decided that if I didn't succeed or get what I wanted, I'll just off myself, but if I did, I'll live yet again. For example, a summer ago, I wanted to see some hot foreign chick from western Europe (too afraid to ask her out and she was already taken so I didn't think about that) who immigrated to the US and be able to just 'hug' her. I was scared shitless and wasn't sure how things goes. So before I met her and her fiance, I said to myself, ok TAW122, if hot foreign chick didn't give me a hug, I'd kill myself before end of 2018 or so. Then, when the day came, I went for it, and she was ok with hugging me, so I was relieved and temporarily went to recovery. (Again it was temporary, but not long term.)

Note: She wasn't the main reason I'd kill myself over (I would not kill myself over just one thing), but had things gone differently, it would have been my suicide fuel (aka catalyst) on top of my existing woes, reasons, and problems, that would push me over the edge to ctb. Basically it was a critical point for me.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Oh lord, I thought I'm alone!
I live in two states: reasonably coherent and absolutely suicidal... yet, coherent...
The main difference would (hopefully) not be apparent to the untrained eye - in both cases I work on week days, come home nearly dead and kill time by taking long walks on weekends. Or gta 5 on weekends.
So far I see n main differences.
On my death days I'm far more quiet and my voice is more monotone.
It's easier to piss me off, especially in person.
When going through a walk, at some point I will start not-exactly-crying. I will then start fighting with myself to conceal it and keep a physical distance from people to avoid being seen in this state.
One particularly odd thing is that I start actively muttering about having sinned. I am not a religious person.

Good to know I'm not the only one with no gray areas - either complete despair or complete... not great, but not bad either.

 

[Muri]

I have had all my supplies for a while now for several methods and I'm still here. Not sure when I'll ctb. I feel like my bipolar disorder makes it worse. It's very tiring swinging between two drastically different choices.

 

[Jodes]

I feel like I'm doing both, living and planning to ctb. It's confusing because I don't hate my life I'm just exhausted and forsee things unraveling quickly at some point. I'm approaching a precipice and while I'm still a ways away, it's comforting and important to me to be prepared for when I want out. It quells my mind honestly to have accepted that I want to ctb, it's very sound and rational. Maybe I won't do it though because I can always go a little longer... ya know?

Right now I feel like I "can always go a little longer". Which sucks.

I wish there was a way without having to do tremendous work to change my intensely negative outlook.

This is why doing therapy actually makes me more sucidal. I get discharged the moment they think I'm "not willing to work at it". I guess I'm not! So its agreed. There are no solutions left anymore.

Do I go on, or do I stay. Sadly my swings etc mean I'm just gonna go the next time things get really bad. But bit will l be impulsive. Which SUCKS because I wanted to leave without leaving too many loose ends. Saying goodbye, leaving notes... Which when I'm as "well" as I am mentally today today, it is not something I feel like doing at all. I'm so pathetic!!

I believe this is what is called an intractable problem?? My theory is every philisopher started off suicidal. You get lost in questions with no fucking answers. Sometimes the only thing keeping you going are the questions.

 

[okyeah]

I used to do this and now I just do whatever I want. I live with my parents - My quality of life is nothing anyway. I only enjoy food. I get anxious about my N not arriving though. Charcoal or hanging is so much harder. N is my ticket out of this stupid shithole.

 

[Sanguinius]

I've been in this for a long time. Now, I think I've made my decision... But I still dream of living.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I used to swerve wildly between the two. Now I just want to CTB.

 

[creationisdeath]

Right now I feel like I "can always go a little longer". Which sucks.

This is why doing therapy actually makes me more sucidal. I get discharged the moment they think I'm "not willing to work at it". I guess I'm not! So its agreed. There are no solutions left anymore.

Do I go on, or do I stay. Sadly my swings etc mean I'm just gonna go the next time things get really bad. But bit will l be impulsive. Which SUCKS because I wanted to leave without leaving too many loose ends. Saying goodbye, leaving notes... Which when I'm as "well" as I am mentally today today, it is not something I feel like doing at all. I'm so pathetic!!

I believe this is what is called an intractable problem?? My theory is every philisopher started off suicidal. You get lost in questions with no fucking answers. Sometimes the only thing keeping you going are the questions.

Thank you for that post. It feels good knowing I'm not alone.

Too bad everyone like-minded is too far away and we're all constrained by money. Imagine a world where "we" could just attempt to make a better, separate world.

Oh well. I have a laissez faire attitude in this moment. "Oh suicide, it's alright."

 

[wanttodie]

no as i do not want to live

 

[Ghastly]

Sometimes I really want to ctb and just do something rash like jump, especially after a day like today where I know I'm not valued by anyone. but I have to remember the plan I have is perfect and I'll deeply regret if it fails or I don't do it deliberately.

 

[Xaphous]

I have always wanted to live but there has always been multiple people to put me in my place of accepting nothing in life. I'm not allowed a life.

 

[Jodes]

I used to swerve wildly between the two. Now I just want to CTB.

How long have you been this intent? And have you had a period like this before?

 

[nzdarkshark]

I kinda do. I want to ctb real bad, feel like it was meant to be - but when I face those I love...those who love me..I lie and say I want to live. Sometimes there are the rare things that make me think 'man it would be so so cool to do that', but soon enough I'm just reminded that this world is a shithole full of bad people who outweigh the good....

 

[Speedhax]

If I don't do it soon I'll be a lot worse off. It's Iike watching the flames engulf your room and knowing you have to jump out the window eventually.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

Unfortunately a successful suicide is not a done deal that's why I wish life came with a self destruct button so I could just do it in the blink of an eye with no preparation or thinking. Right now I'm just riding it out waiting for the set date to arrive.

 

[TiredHorse]

I feel like one of those poor souls in the WTC on 9/11, above where the planes hit. The flames haven't reached them yet, but they know this is it, it's over, they'd better jump now before it gets a lot worse. And yet I imagine they must have been hesitating in disbelief, too: "this can't be happening! This sort of shit just does not happen!"

I am in the emotional WTC, looking down at where my Beloved has torn a blazing hole in my psyche. I am stuck between disbelief, fantasizing that this can't be happening, that some impossible rescue will be coming at any minute, and yet knowing it's time to jump before things get a hell of a lot worse.