Anybody else not want to get better?

[darksouls2kicksass]

I started taking wellbutrin and going to therapy ~3 weeks ago (first time), and I find myself hoping to only get worse. The side effects emphasize that it could make suicidal action worse, and if that happens it might be enough to finally push me over the edge. Deep down, I don't want to get better. I get upset when good things happen to me! If I fail a class, at least that gives me an excuse to drop out and quit school. It's just so much easier to quit and be done with it.

If the slightest inconvenience occurs in my life, I instantly feel the need to give up. 'Guess I'll just ctb, then.' I can't perform basic human tasks, I can't speak to people; I can't even choose a method and commit!! I'll just keep getting high and playing drums. That's gotten me this far

 

[leloyon]

Honestly, I don't want to get better because I don't know if there even is a me outside of what's wrong with me. Every personality trait I can list is just a symptom. If I was cured, would there even be anyone left?

 

[Sunderland]

I started taking wellbutrin and going to therapy ~3 weeks ago (first time), and I find myself hoping to only get worse. The side effects emphasize that it could make suicidal action worse, and if that happens it might be enough to finally push me over the edge. Deep down, I don't want to get better. I get upset when good things happen to me! If I fail a class, at least that gives me an excuse to drop out and quit school. It's just so much easier to quit and be done with it.

If the slightest inconvenience occurs in my life, I instantly feel the need to give up. 'Guess I'll just ctb, then.' I can't perform basic human tasks, I can't speak to people; I can't even choose a method and commit!! I'll just keep getting high and playing drums. That's gotten me this far

"Stubbed my toe, I guess I'll kill myself. Missed the bus, I guess I'll kill myself." Rope's too itchy, my face is too handsome to be a Cobain, razors take way too long, and I'll probably just through up the pills.

I've always thought therapy was a sham, why am I gonna pay some hag to wag her finger at me and say "well maybe if you applied yourself you'd see a positive change." You need to WANT to change for therapy to work, but after 20 years you become attached to feeling this way. It becomes a sense of security. Weird how we can be wired this way huh?

 

[cme-dme]

When depression is all you have known your whole life (me) it becomes comforting. Change is scary because new and unfamiliar things are scary but the worst thing of all is that improving your life gives you something to lose. I'm pretty comfy down here in rock bottom, the less life can take away from me, the better.

 

[LostLily]

Honestly, I'm tried of trying to feel better. After spending so much money on counselling and maxing out on medications, I feel like I earned my right to want to die. Because I tried to hard to live, that am embracing death at this point since I'm so tired.

 

[OnlyOutcastsMourn]

It is a complicated question for me. I cannot say for sure I do not want to get better, but I definitely have lost hope that I will.

 

[darksouls2kicksass]

Honestly, I don't want to get better because I don't know if there even is a me outside of what's wrong with me. Every personality trait I can list is just a symptom. If I was cured, would there even be anyone left?

That's a beautiful way to put it. Maybe people like me (us?) just aren't made for this life

 

[bananaolympus]

I do want to get better is just life who don't want it

 

[curiouscvnt]

yea, because idk what 'getting better' would truly be like, and therefore i cannot be convinced i want it.
I'm not even depressed. I don't fit the clinical definition and the psychologist who i've been seeing for 1 year agrees.
I live angry that humanity isn't progressive enough to make suicide more humane, to allow human connection even in recognition of suicidality. So fuck that, fuck the times that we live in; i'm not gonna feel bad about not wanting a part in this finite time that's available to me.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I want to get deader.

I wish I could get better, but it just isn't happening because my life is too broken.

 

[curiouscvnt]

"Stubbed my toe, I guess I'll kill myself. Missed the bus, I guess I'll kill myself." Rope's too itchy, my face is too handsome to be a Cobain, razors take way too long, and I'll probably just through up the pills.

I've always thought therapy was a sham, why am I gonna pay some hag to wag her finger at me and say "well maybe if you applied yourself you'd see a positive change." You need to WANT to change for therapy to work, but after 20 years you become attached to feeling this way. It becomes a sense of security. Weird how we can be wired this way huh?

i scoff internally at the idea of trying to eliminate my suicidal thoughts through psychotherapy / psychiatric treatment; the clinician i talk to has the sense to not try and convince me that elimination or blockage of thoughts is the way. I wonder whether suicidality is uncommon, but not necessarily strange or abnormal or pathological, as an aspect of human consciousness. Might it be possible to live deliberately while wanting or often thinking to die?

 

[NonEssential]

Knowing I can just escape all of this brings me some comfort and I'm having a difficult time letting go of that comfort.

 

[Forever Sleep]

'Getting better' would involve facing my worst fears. Very likely making me feel worse in the short term. It would mean putting enormous amounts of effort into life- again. I'm just exhausted. The last thing I want to do is fight and struggle to improve a life I don't even want in the first place! So- I'd much rather relax. Stay as I am. Tread water the best that I'm able until I can end this ridiculous life completely.

 

[Kassender]

i do. I thought i would, eventually but life has a way of beating any shred of hope out of me like i insulted its kid or something.

but at the same time, i give up really easily so maybe i never really wanted to.

 

[Eudaimonic]

There's no way for me to "get better" (although, really there is only so much that can be done in my situation) that wouldn't involve suffering extreme discomfort, so, no, I don't wish to go through that.

 

[onmywaytothebusstop]

What's this "getting better" thing that is talked about? Sounds like a hoax or conspiracy theory

 

[candy578]

I've spent my entire life in survival mode, which makes me feel rotten to the core as a person most of the time. I feel like I've had some good opportunities to recover in the past, but because my brain simply cannot handle the idea that I deserve something other than misery, I usually end up going and ruining it in some way or the other, as ensuring I don't get better and nothing changes makes me feel like my life is under control.

 

[lucaricoomio]

Yepyep, definitely relate, there's no way I can fail if I don't try, sounds ridiculous now I'm typing it but I'd literally rather ctb than face any sort of failure.

 

[executioner1983]

If I'm honest, I'd live just so I could continue getting high and playing drums. That sounds pretty sweet.

 

[shadows_and_silence]

i don't know, my life doesn't really exist without my suicidal ideation..

I've tried to get help for it before and all it's done is worsened it and i feel like if i were to be "better" now i wouldn't even be myself anymore

 

[human909]

Probably.

 

[prone2fury]

Yeah I relate. I recently started doing therapy but all roads lead back to CTBing. No matter how pleasant things become, the fact is that my mind has internalized that dying is the best course of action. Like the parasite has subsumed the host. Given that I'm trans it probably is the least painful road.

I don't want to get better because settling for the suffering I have now is preferable to getting my hopes up and inevitably crashing back down. Because this is a horrible, ugly world that wants to hurt the ones living in it. The ones that were never born are the ones that won the cosmic lottery.

 

[onlyway96]

There's comfort to be found in knowing you've got a way out, I found setting a date helps with the day by day as you know there's an end in sight.