devil
★
- Jun 22, 2019
- 438
I've relapsed on cutting a month ago and I've been doing it ever since. I don't think I want to stop because it numbs the pain even if it's just temporary...
gentleflower
Student
- Jun 6, 2019
- 105
As long as it numbs the pain for you.
I do not cut, as I don't like the sight of blood. But I burn myself, I need the sharp pain to ground myself to reality
I do not cut, as I don't like the sight of blood. But I burn myself, I need the sharp pain to ground myself to reality
devil
★
- Jun 22, 2019
- 438
Lush_nova
Self Destruct Activated
- May 16, 2019
- 105
the top of my left arm is a mess. Im resisting the urge now instead have rum. if my hsuband wasnt due home in 15 mins it would be a different story
no matter what I do though it never hurts enough doesn't quite get to the point of ok that did what I needed
no matter what I do though it never hurts enough doesn't quite get to the point of ok that did what I needed
devil
★
- Jun 22, 2019
- 438
I'm sorry. I would tell you that you shouldn't hurt yourself, but I'm not a hypocrite because I literally just did it last night. I'm here if you ever want to talk more about it.
appalachian moon
Member
- May 13, 2019
- 23
Yeah, self harmer here too. I've been clean for about a month but I'm bound to relapse when things get too stressful/hard for me to handle.
I have very noticeable scars all over my left arm and I have to live the rest of my life trying to hide it and worrying that someone would spot it and ask questions. Sigh.
I have very noticeable scars all over my left arm and I have to live the rest of my life trying to hide it and worrying that someone would spot it and ask questions. Sigh.
Lush_nova
Self Destruct Activated
- May 16, 2019
- 105
thank you same to you, Ive never actually spoken about it, its a crazy world when it comes to self harm, for me trying to cause physical pain from mental pain
people shy away not understanding why you chose to damage your body.
can I ask what started you on your path?
devil
★
- Jun 22, 2019
- 438
Congrats on staying clean for a month. I hate having to hide it too, I wear bandaids on my wrist with bracelets over top and it always sucks when someone asks what happened... super awkward.
ExitTheDay
We fight to live or live to die
- May 26, 2019
- 336
I used to cut so much as a teenager as it really did help me but stopped once I read up that it can really fuck up your nerve endings and lead to loss of feelings in your fingers in the long run although I'm not sure if that's true or not, not only that but trying to hide all of my cuts was a bitch especially in the summer cause I always wore a sweater or long sleeved shirts and it got really hot. Also some advice from my old therapist (probably the only good advice she ever gave me) was to put a rubber band around my wrist whenever I felt like cutting and keep snapping it on the places I cut myself, it helped out but wasn't nearly as effective as cutting was.
RainAndSadness
Administrator
- Jun 12, 2018
- 2,135
Here. I'm burning myself regularly. My whole left arm is covered in burning scars, some of them have faded away already but they're still visible.
Lush_nova
Self Destruct Activated
- May 16, 2019
- 105
I was at one point worried about my scars and peoples reactions, my scars arent obvious as some.I have seen, but they can be seen, last weekend a night out, mybgive a fuck broke and I wore a top that only came to my elbows (the tops of my arms are still too raw)
i decided if people saw my arms i dont care they are part of who i am and part of my journey in this life
gentleflower
Student
- Jun 6, 2019
- 105
I fortunately just have little scars right now. And I am so clumsy in the kitchen that no one thinks of questioing them anyway
Lush_nova
Self Destruct Activated
- May 16, 2019
- 105
some advice i was told wasa huge no no from people who.work in the self harm industry. i cant remeber fully what they said ill go look now and print screen because it was only.recent
LogicalConclusion
Experienced
- Jun 2, 2019
- 239
Yes, hello. *waves* I've self-injured for 16ish years. Haven't been cutting in awhile but I do have a tendency to take too much of various medications so I can numb myself out because regular doses don't do much of anything for me. Hell, I just took 1500mg of valerian root and 500mg of hydroxyzine because I'm too irate.
devil
★
- Jun 22, 2019
- 438
I don't ever really speak about it either. No one understands why I do it, they just think I'm weird. I don't feel like even explaining it to anyone because no one will know why I do it unless they do it too. So I'm glad someone on here understands how I feel.
I started it when I was about 16, I'm 22 now. I'm not really sure what got me started, I do it whenever I'm feeling suicidal and don't have a plan to end my life but want to feel some kind of pain to numb the suicidal thoughts.. if that makes sense.
appalachian moon
Member
- May 13, 2019
- 23
I worry about going out and having to constantly wear long sleeves or jumpers even in hot weather, where I will have to endure the heat because I'm not risking having my scars seen. It's just something really personal to me.
Friends have asked me why I wear long sleeves all the time and one time I accidentally let my jumper slip up and a big red scar on my hand was in full view, but it was too late. My friend spotted it and asked, "what happened, are you okay?" To which I replied with an excuse of "it was an accident." ...awkward
Friends have asked me why I wear long sleeves all the time and one time I accidentally let my jumper slip up and a big red scar on my hand was in full view, but it was too late. My friend spotted it and asked, "what happened, are you okay?" To which I replied with an excuse of "it was an accident." ...awkward
Lush_nova
Self Destruct Activated
- May 16, 2019
- 105
this makes to me a lot of sense....
i am a lot older then you, I once tried self harming in 2006 ish then stopped, took it up again in april this year but its a lot worse this time round.
ive given up trying to get people to understand it. people are hopeless
i am a lot older then you, I once tried self harming in 2006 ish then stopped, took it up again in april this year but its a lot worse this time round.
ive given up trying to get people to understand it. people are hopeless
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appalachian moon
Member
- May 13, 2019
- 23
Yeah, it's a confusing concept for non self-harmers. Before I started cutting it seemed like such a ridiculous idea, wanting to subdue the pain=inflicting pain upon yourself? But now that I self harm I try to override the mental/emotional pain with physical pain because it's the only thing that can (temporarily) fix me from deteriorating even further.
The days leading up to my self harm consist of my mind feeling so lost like it's spinning around in a dryer, you know? And I just want to shake myself and force my brain to regain a sense of control but depression hinders it from doing anything, so I'm just stuck feeling like a zombie walking around and at a complete loss of what I want to do with my life or even what I should do when I wake up each day. Then the blade beckons me over and tempts me, and I become alive again as a rush of exhilaration courses through me. The sensation is electrifying but it's short lived. I want deeper cuts, more blood, more gore, just more. But I'll never get satisfied so it's this vicious cycle of resisting the urge to self harm but then giving into it, then feeling guilty about it and then wanting to avoid my feelings again... and so it repeats, again and again.
Sorry for the rant. I got carried away and wrote a whole story.
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sadgirl2002
Fallen Angel
- Apr 9, 2019
- 452
I'm a self harmer too. My thighs are full of scars. I currently have scars on my left arm and just under my neck. I can feel the burn, I deserve the pain...
SHThrowAway213
That's the hell I live with
- Apr 19, 2018
- 658
I used to for about 10 years on and off.
I'm getting the urges again though they're a bit hard to ignore
I'm getting the urges again though they're a bit hard to ignore
RM5998
Sack of Meat
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,202
It's an irregular thing for me. The most recent intense period was about 9-10 months ago. I'm somewhat good at internalizing and compartmentalizing my anguish (most of the time, at least).
I've never had to hide my scars. When somebody asked how a fresh scar came about, I'd always say, "I don't know, probably hit the edge of the table about a week ago." I don't know if they actually bought it or merely pretended to. In any case, there's a bunch of scars on my arms from random injuries I've had, so the self-harm scars are hardly distinguishable.
I've never had to hide my scars. When somebody asked how a fresh scar came about, I'd always say, "I don't know, probably hit the edge of the table about a week ago." I don't know if they actually bought it or merely pretended to. In any case, there's a bunch of scars on my arms from random injuries I've had, so the self-harm scars are hardly distinguishable.
Intermittent cutter however i SH in other ways that doesn't draw as much attention
devil
★
- Jun 22, 2019
- 438
SHThrowAway213
That's the hell I live with
- Apr 19, 2018
- 658
I've been clean for 2 years, if you don't count a couple of slip ups, one I had last month
Eating disorders, other self destructive behaviors, risk taking, lack of sleep/excess of activity
DepressionsAHo
Heaven gained a new ho
- Feb 15, 2019
- 831
Not frequently. It used to help. For a couple of months. Now, I just have a love hate relationship with the scars they create. I feel the need to damage the "pretty" skin on my body so I create ugly jagged Mark's in it and stare at the blood, wait for the scabbing to go away and feel the scars. Example. I have a freckle on my underarm that I really like looking at (I LOVE freckles and wish I had more) I slit numerous cuts around it so I could never get any joy from looking at it without seeing the scars too. I wish I hadn't in hindsight but eh. What are ya gonna do. I have tattoos covering a lot of them but the lines on my upper arms are remarkably visible. Sucks to cause Californias always hot and id like to wear a t shirt without having some stupid need to cut up my skin
I have badly in the past on my thighs the worse, but arms aswell. I tried to cover some with a tattoo. right now I just want to slit my wrists, but if it goes wrong i'll have more scars and its bad with work, not that that matters much anymore
Egddios
Specialist
- Oct 27, 2018
- 395
I used to, for many years, run my fingers through my hair to the point where I was ripping clumps of hair out and would sometimes end up with bald patches. When I was doing this, it put me in almost a trance-like state, I guess I was heavily dissociating/zoning out.
I self harmed in other ways, like severely restricting my food intake to the point of emaciation, or making myself run laps and up bleachers after purging. This was when I was really struggling with disordered eating which varied from intense anorexia to bulimia. There were times I remember not letting myself have even a dixie cup of water even though my body was screaming for even one drop of water - not until I purged everything I could from my stomach would I allow myself to drink.
I've cut myself a handful of times, in desperation and/or punishment towards myself. I'd say the hair pulling and disordered eating were the biggest ways I harmed myself intentionally.
Even now, I have a tendency to bite my nails down to the point where I have no nail at all, and can end up picking at my skin in various places till I bleed.
I feel a sense of sadness over what I've done to myself in this seemingly endless struggle to get out of my own head. Be free. Find peace. To like myself, even love myself. I'm 36 now, and surprised I made it this far considering not only the self harm, but the suicide attempts and abuse from others.
I self harmed in other ways, like severely restricting my food intake to the point of emaciation, or making myself run laps and up bleachers after purging. This was when I was really struggling with disordered eating which varied from intense anorexia to bulimia. There were times I remember not letting myself have even a dixie cup of water even though my body was screaming for even one drop of water - not until I purged everything I could from my stomach would I allow myself to drink.
I've cut myself a handful of times, in desperation and/or punishment towards myself. I'd say the hair pulling and disordered eating were the biggest ways I harmed myself intentionally.
Even now, I have a tendency to bite my nails down to the point where I have no nail at all, and can end up picking at my skin in various places till I bleed.
I feel a sense of sadness over what I've done to myself in this seemingly endless struggle to get out of my own head. Be free. Find peace. To like myself, even love myself. I'm 36 now, and surprised I made it this far considering not only the self harm, but the suicide attempts and abuse from others.
Alec
Wizard
- Apr 22, 2019
- 681
I have scars from my self harm all over my left arm. Lately I've been very VERY dangerously close to starting again, I'm afraid if I'll start I won't ever be able to stop. I want it to numb the pain so bad.i haven't yet though but I probably will soon, just not sure where I would cut as I don't really like to cut my thighs but it's pretty much the best choice right now since it's summer and I don't want other ppl seeing fresh cuts on my arms.
I started SH in january this year, had a mental breakdown which led to dissociative episodes and flashbacks to an abusive childhood. The only way to feel any relief was to cut, strangle, scratch and punch myself. My last SH was about 3 weeks ago because I've made changes in my life (moved in with my best friend, started talking therapy, learned to ground myself etc) but it's still so hard to resist... I think about it all the time and want nothing more than to rip open my scars and feel that burning sensation and watching the wound open before filling with blood. SH is so bitter-sweet, it helps albeit temporarily but it's hard to hide and even harder to explain to people who don't understand. Plus everyone thinks I'm magically better because I've not done it for a few weeks, should I relapse I know what'll happen, they'll say "But you were doing so well" "You didn't need to start again just talk to us" "You managed to stop so why start again". I hate SH but I love it also and it's an addiction I think I'll have forever.
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