Suicideisnirvana
Specialist
- Aug 4, 2018
- 312
My biggest fear is to still be alive after a year from now. I have acquired an incredible ability to make time at least somewhat durable - most people not only endure time easily but can also enjoy some of it, else why live ? But what can be a natural feat for one can be a heroic for another, for instance running two miles in 30minutes for a cripple vs a healthy man - as long as i'm comfortable i won't be here next year, but the moment the merest doubt starts creeping in, the moment the merest projection of myself going through the meaningless loop of night and days for another unbearable year become patent, i relapse into the most extreme anxiety, angst and disgust, it's so extreme i wonder by what miracle i could endure even the last 24hours, and that the best course of action would be to slit my throat in the immediate hour, it's not impulsive nor compulsive, it's a mature, reflexive thought asking me if i still want to go through a year like the last 10, and the answer is always a resounding no.
So i have to have a plan, a surefire plan, i no longer can give myself the luxury of waiting for a moment of courage or illumination, there is a sense of urgence, i just can't withstand more than a year (and even that is too much) but after my last delivery of N failed, i learned that my plan has to be flexible, i no longer have the luxury on counting on a single method, i no loger have the luxury to reject some methods because of their inherent risk, so the solution i found is to have a plan extending for a year that will add more extreme solutions as long as time pass, for instance.
3 Months : Get Nembutal.
If it fails
Jumping from heights.
If after 3 months i still can't find an accessible height, a more extreme method.
Any thought ? Any idea on how to make a plan that is flexible ? Not putting all one egg is one basket because a method may fail because of either lack of avability or survival mechanisms (i know it would be easy for me to drink a poison now, even if tastes like shit and piss, i can withstand that, but for jumping i have doubt of being able to do it, with hanging even less etc )
So i have to have a plan, a surefire plan, i no longer can give myself the luxury of waiting for a moment of courage or illumination, there is a sense of urgence, i just can't withstand more than a year (and even that is too much) but after my last delivery of N failed, i learned that my plan has to be flexible, i no longer have the luxury on counting on a single method, i no loger have the luxury to reject some methods because of their inherent risk, so the solution i found is to have a plan extending for a year that will add more extreme solutions as long as time pass, for instance.
3 Months : Get Nembutal.
If it fails
Jumping from heights.
If after 3 months i still can't find an accessible height, a more extreme method.
Any thought ? Any idea on how to make a plan that is flexible ? Not putting all one egg is one basket because a method may fail because of either lack of avability or survival mechanisms (i know it would be easy for me to drink a poison now, even if tastes like shit and piss, i can withstand that, but for jumping i have doubt of being able to do it, with hanging even less etc )
