Venting Anxious to be here, anxious not to be here

[CantDoIt]

I keep getting sidetracked and thinking about other things, distracting myself, etc. I know I won't be truly happy or fulfilled in life. I check this website all the time (OCD), probably as a coping mechanism. However, it makes me anxious...but so does not checking it? Basically, regardless of whether I think I'm taking ctb seriously or not, I'm anxious.
The thought of doing it makes me anxious and the thought of not doing it also makes me anxious. At times I've felt very relieved about ctb and at other times I've felt like it's a sort of a pathetic end. Sometimes I rush back on here to remind me that I need to take it seriously and get anxious when it's more of a distant thought.

 

[Kusogaki]

I've seen plenty of people feel anxious about it thinking about it just makes them want to puke, If you are serious about wanting to CTB people have taken pills before hand to calm their nerves. It seems that you are really going back and forth between wanting to not wanting to. I don't suggest you to make such a huge decision when you are having second thoughts. And it seems that your OCD Has a really big impact in your life, The OCD can also be another reason why you feel that anxious feeling. In my personal opinion I don't think that if you CTB you are pathetic or the act itself is pathetic, I believe it's quite brave You have a lot of courage to commit such an act. If you have any questions feel free to ask me.

 

[lacrimosa]

I am in limbo regarding CTB too. I keep thinking about it and making posts where I talk about how I am going to CTB, etc but I am afraid of the effect it will have on my family, etc.

This is completely normal and glad you're still here. Don't make any rash decisions.

So, sit back, brew some coffee if that's your thing and enjoy the site.

Most of us are in our final days and are terminally ill, or in immense physical pain, or have treatment resistant mental illness(es). Or are just lurking and are interested in the philosophical arguments for and against suicide or the many forums available on here.

I have yet to decide one way or another if I am being completely honest. But I am 90% sure at this point.

This site hasn't convinced me one way or another as I was suicidal before ever discovering this site. But, it has given me a voice, a place to share, and maybe piece together my mental state day to day if anyone ever reflects back on my posts.

Also, it's comforting to know that it's okay to let go if you've fought hard and have exhausted all options available. Which is the case for many here.

This isn't a site of despair, but of a balanced perspective regarding CTB.

Hopefully, you can find peace on here and like-minded individuals to share your stories or ideas with.

 

[CantDoIt]

I've seen plenty of people feel anxious about it thinking about it just makes them want to puke, If you are serious about wanting to CTB people have taken pills before hand to calm their nerves. It seems that you are really going back and forth between wanting to not wanting to. I don't suggest you to make such a huge decision when you are having second thoughts. And it seems that your OCD Has a really big impact in your life, The OCD can also be another reason why you feel that anxious feeling. In my personal opinion I don't think that if you CTB you are pathetic or the act itself is pathetic, I believe it's quite brave You have a lot of courage to commit such an act. If you have any questions feel free to ask me.

Hey, thank you so much! That's really nice of you. I want to CTB in theory because I just don't enjoy my life the way it is and I have had a lot of symptoms and problems, etc. Every single day I'm tormented by wishing I could change my previous actions, but of course that isn't possible and now I'm forced to continue living indefinitely. However, I'm scared for...ego reasons? Coming across as pathetic or "sad" (eg one of those former child stars who ends up a drug addict and ODs or something), or like...just disappointing people. I have people in my life who care about me who I don't want to disappoint. But also, life is feeling empty and meaningless at best and downright terrible at worst. I know I'm not like 100% sure? But also I hate living like an empty shell and just sort of being told and encouraged to be happy and knowing I can't be.

 

[Minsu]

I have the exact same feelings as the title says

 

[Kusogaki]

Of course I'm always happy to help. I feel as though my life will never Be worth anything and I'll never be able to fill that void inside of me. So I completely understand where you're coming from. I also think about Past decisions and wanting to change them At some point I have to forget about it and move forward, It's hard to forget about These decisions But When you are at that point when you are ready those decisions won't mean anything. The ego thing is hard Because there's really no way to combat that People are always going to assume Especially since at that point you won't be here anymore so you cant clarify your reasons. The fear of disappointing people may be even bigger than your desire to live. I have the same view point as you on life. Mine will amount to nothing and I have accepted that. The people that tell you to be happy truly don't understand what you're going through I choose to ignore them. Someone can never understand another person's feelings and emotions the way they you do. But another person said I suggest just laying back and enjoying the website while you can I think about your decision If you're not fully confident. If you need a friend I'm more than happy to be yours, PM whenever.

 

[CantDoIt]

I am in limbo regarding CTB too. I keep thinking about it and making posts where I talk about how I am going to CTB, etc but I am afraid of the effect it will have on my family, etc.

This is completely normal and glad you're still here. Don't make any rash decisions.

So, sit back, brew some coffee if that's your thing and enjoy the site.

Most of us are in our final days and are terminally ill, or in immense physical pain, or have treatment resistant mental illness(es). Or are just lurking and are interested in the philosophical arguments for and against suicide or the many forums available on here.

I have yet to decide one way or another if I am being completely honest. But I am 90% sure at this point.

This site hasn't convinced me one way or another as I was suicidal before ever discovering this site. But, it has given me a voice, a place to share, and maybe piece together my mental state day to day if anyone ever reflects back on my posts.

Also, it's comforting to know that it's okay to let go if you've fought hard and have exhausted all options available. Which is the case for many here.

This isn't a site of despair, but of a balanced perspective regarding CTB.

Hopefully, you can find peace on here and like-minded individuals to share your stories or ideas with.

I personally have a lot of psychological problems that have cause me a lot of anxiety for about 19 years now. I never really seriously thought about CTB until very recently, though, because I realized that a lot of these psychological problems have cause me a great deal of issues since then, and some of these issues I'm finding difficult to reconcile with or even solve.

Thanks a lot for your support.

Of course I'm always happy to help. I feel as though my life will never Be worth anything and I'll never be able to fill that void inside of me. So I completely understand where you're coming from. I also think about Past decisions and wanting to change them At some point I have to forget about it and move forward, It's hard to forget about These decisions But When you are at that point when you are ready those decisions won't mean anything. The ego thing is hard Because there's really no way to combat that People are always going to assume Especially since at that point you won't be here anymore so you cant clarify your reasons. The fear of disappointing people may be even bigger than your desire to live. I have the same view point as you on life. Mine will amount to nothing and I have accepted that. The people that tell you to be happy truly don't understand what you're going through I choose to ignore them. Someone can never understand another person's feelings and emotions the way they you do. But another person said I suggest just laying back and enjoying the website while you can I think about your decision If you're not fully confident. If you need a friend I'm more than happy to be yours, PM whenever.

Thanks so much for the offer, I think I'll send you a PM.