Another trans vent thread

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

Feel like such a fucking waste of space contributing another thread like this, but all my friends and partners are busy and no one is around to listen, and most of them fucking suck at it. Genuinely feel the only times I'm heard are here.

I just wanna be fucking cis. I'm tired of the things my friends say when they find out im dysphoric, they say things such as:
But you're a pretty girl!
You're gorgeous honey, no reason to put yourself down
You have nice tits, your transition is going well, you're hot

Fuckers, I do not care that I am a seemingly attractive trans woman, I don't want to be one, I'd rather be a cis girl. I'd rather have gone to high school as a girl, I'd rather have the ability to get pregnant, I'd rather have a vagina (I don't want bottom surgery), I'd rather just be a fucking normal cis girl.

I feel like a fucking imposter in cis spaces, and alienated from trans spaces cause I'm not really 'queer.' I'm a pretty fucking normal girl, I work a 9-5 office job, I play guitar, I have friends, I am not a passing trans woman (which makes the 'You're so hot' comments sting) but I wear make up to work and pretty classically fem clothes to work. I'm not the gender fuckery trans with crazy hair and clothes who makes experimental art and posts on instagram about all of it, I'm just a girl, but I'm too much of a weirdo for cis spaces (and by weirdo I mean trans)

I hate how fucking objectified trans women are. Stop talking about my fucking dick. Don't ask me for dick pics. Don't hit on me because you think you can take advantage of me. Stop tweeting about how you want a goth trans mommy to fuck you, leave us alone. We aren't a fucking fetish commodity that you try to hit the jackpot on, we aren't girls who will watch anime and play video games with you and won't think you're weird for whatever reason, just fucking stop. And then these people will turn around and call me a fucking slur for rejecting them. I work out and at one point had pretty pronounced muscles, and a guy messaged me saying, I like your flex pictures, feminine and masculine wrapped up in a nice package. Would you fucking say that to a cis woman? Of course you fucking wouldn't, you say that because you don't see me as a woman, you see me as a weird crossdresser or some other thing I can't comprehend.

My boss found me in my office crying today because the girl I thought I was gonna marry left me for a cis girl who treated me like a man, defended the cis girl, and never understood why I didn't like the cis girl. Way to absolutely validate my worst fears. Thanks for that.

I don't have anything meaningful to say, this thread will get lost to time and be information pollution for some archeologist to sort through.

 

[tiredcat]

i cant understand your situation to your limit but i do understand the feeling of wanting to be cis even if others around you are trying to "validate" you in weird ways. i am called a
pretty boy" or "handsome" but i know i am very feminine presenting and it's very hard to believe people actually see me as a guy and are saying that instead of just saying it to make me feel better. i use all pronouns interchangably but being called a girl and people using sheher leaves a pit in my stomach, but i cant escape it since im rather plump and i don't fit into the "skinny white trans boy with fluffy hair" sterotype lol.

i will say that there are so many "normal" queer people out there. though there are a lot of things that lgbt ppl tend to enjoy and do as a collective, you still share experiences with many others. unfortunately social media has put every single letter of the lgbtq+ into a specific sterotype and it's super fucking annoying so i do understand in that regard.

also know the feeling of being sexualized simply because i am trans. but even i can agree that it's not to the extent that trans women have to deal with and all i can do it offer my empathy.

i do hope you eventually find peace within yourself and your situation gets better though.

sending lots of love <3

 

[jinx <3]

Trans woman here, early in transition. I don't entirely agree that I wish I were a cis girl, I mostly just wish that I passed well enough and had a feminine voice. I definitely don't pass most of the time right now, and it sucks to hear one thing from close friends, and another entirely from everyone else who perceives me as a man. It also hurts when my friends tell me I look like a girl or that I'm cute or whatever. It's like they're just humoring me, but I know that's not the case as they are all trans as well.

I haven't been out long enough (or don't seem trans-enough) to experience much trans-specific harassment or hate, so I can't really speak on that. But I get feeling like an imposter when around cis people, especially other girls. I just feel like I'm lying or faking something to be around girls or something stupid like that. I hate feeling like that.

But I also love the times I actually feel feminine and girly, sometimes enough to outweigh the negatives. Sometimes not. I hope you feel better regardless and that life treats you better <3.

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

Thanks for replying, I appreciate it. I'm at work and trying to just numb myself until I get home. I don't feel any better.

Re feeling fem and girly: I don't get gender euphoria often at this point. I feel like I've burned out all the possible places I could feel it. I've been out publicly for about a year, I've been on hormones for 17 months, I dress how I want and wear make up. I've experienced classic gender affirming misogyny lol I've been in lesbian relationships, I've gone partying, like, everything I wanted to do as a girl I've done, and now it's just normal. It doesn't re-release that euphoria. I did get a burst of it last week at work, but that was after a dry spell. And it sucks honestly, it doesn't make me question if I'm a woman or whatever, but it does make me think like, 'oh, being trans does fucking suck, doesn't it? Maybe I was wrong about being trans being cool'

 

[gvmi]

For me, what makes me extremely sad is knowing I'll never have a girl childhood. I'll never freak out about my first period, I'll never have a school crush.
It fucking sucks. I already changed my name, I already started hrt (9 months ago) and what? I feel like the flame burns out and there's not too much to grip to.

I don't know. I'm disgusted, I'm done. I know this is me, I know this is what I wanted, but who is going to give me those experiences I never felt?

 

[natthebrat]

Hi there! I'm a trans woman too so I understand the struggle, our spokespeople and allies can talk about "trans positivity" and how "being trans is such a cool way to be!" all they want, the truth is it sucks. While being trans isn't something to be embarrassed or ashamed about, that doesn't make it any less of an unpleasant experience that I would never wish on someone else. I really wish there was more research into what makes us trans so something could be done for us preemptively.

I totally relate to not always fitting in with queer spaces, I don't always agree with them. In particular, I'm not too fond of their "labels/gender can mean whatever you want them/it to!" talk. I just stay away from those discussions as they do nothing for me but cause me internalized transphobia.

Regarding harassment/chasers, idk if this would help you or not, but it makes me feel better if I just respond to them by insulting them in some way.

Like the last comment said, the biggest trans-related struggle for me (post-transition) is mourning the fact that I didn't get to be myself during my younger years. Not so much childhood, as I didn't feel dysphoric yet at that time anyway, but I certainly feel that way about my teenage and college years. Especially since I am living as myself now, and see how it's changed me for the better even in ways I didn't expect and seemed unrelated. If I did live as a girl back then, I not only would have been so much happier then, but I likely wouldn't have made the destructive life decisions I made back then whose consequences follow me to this day and possibly will forever.

If you ever need to talk or even just want a friend, feel free to DM me :)

 

[justcallmeJ]

I can relate to all the messages here. The biggest struggle I had of being trans was trying to accept I would never be cis. No pregnancy is the hardest for me, which still haunts me. Not experiencing how it was to be a young lady was hard to, but not impossible. For me it is looking to the future. And connect with like minded people. Keep in mind that there are very few young trans kids that actually transitioned enough they totally fit. So almost all the trans people you speak too have the same problem. Being trans is a very long and hard fight, but you can win, and when you do, you will become an amazing person. The most lovely people i know are all trans, and I can say after a long time of transitioning I am glad to be trans, and to be part of this community. Trans girls, boys or non binaries, I love you all and I hope you all become happy with yourself, because you all fucking deserve it <3

Also this small series might help you, it did for me atleast.

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

For me, what makes me extremely sad is knowing I'll never have a girl childhood. I'll never freak out about my first period, I'll never have a school crush.
It fucking sucks. I already changed my name, I already started hrt (9 months ago) and what? I feel like the flame burns out and there's not too much to grip to.

I don't know. I'm disgusted, I'm done. I know this is me, I know this is what I wanted, but who is going to give me those experiences I never felt?

Everything you said resonates with me really hard. I unfortunately got traumatized by a man this year, so I can't even enjoy my old sexuality where I was a tad boy crazy. I already changed my name, I've already started HRT, short of surgeries I'll never be able to afford, I've basically done all the things I need to do. What's left? There's no gender euphoria left to tap into.

How do I live the rest of my life wanting things that I was born never being able to have? How do I live without being able to be cis?

Hi there! I'm a trans woman too so I understand the struggle, our spokespeople and allies can talk about "trans positivity" and how "being trans is such a cool way to be!" all they want, the truth is it sucks. While being trans isn't something to be embarrassed or ashamed about, that doesn't make it any less of an unpleasant experience that I would never wish on someone else. I really wish there was more research into what makes us trans so something could be done for us preemptively.

I totally relate to not always fitting in with queer spaces, I don't always agree with them. In particular, I'm not too fond of their "labels/gender can mean whatever you want them/it to!" talk. I just stay away from those discussions as they do nothing for me but cause me internalized transphobia.

Regarding harassment/chasers, idk if this would help you or not, but it makes me feel better if I just respond to them by insulting them in some way.

Like the last comment said, the biggest trans-related struggle for me (post-transition) is mourning the fact that I didn't get to be myself during my younger years. Not so much childhood, as I didn't feel dysphoric yet at that time anyway, but I certainly feel that way about my teenage and college years. Especially since I am living as myself now, and see how it's changed me for the better even in ways I didn't expect and seemed unrelated. If I did live as a girl back then, I not only would have been so much happier then, but I likely wouldn't have made the destructive life decisions I made back then whose consequences follow me to this day and possibly will forever.

If you ever need to talk or even just want a friend, feel free to DM me :)

I relate to what you said about making mistakes cause you didn't transition. I abused a lot of trans girls before I transitioned because *they* got to be trans and I didn't. Even the girl who I thought I was gonna marry, I met her pre transition, was horrible to her, transitioned and then I wasn't able to heal the wounds I inflicted.

I can relate to all the messages here. The biggest struggle I had of being trans was trying to accept I would never be cis. No pregnancy is the hardest for me, which still haunts me. Not experiencing how it was to be a young lady was hard to, but not impossible. For me it is looking to the future. And connect with like minded people. Keep in mind that there are very few young trans kids that actually transitioned enough they totally fit. So almost all the trans people you speak too have the same problem. Being trans is a very long and hard fight, but you can win, and when you do, you will become an amazing person. The most lovely people i know are all trans, and I can say after a long time of transitioning I am glad to be trans, and to be part of this community. Trans girls, boys or non binaries, I love you all and I hope you all become happy with yourself, because you all fucking deserve it <3

Also this small series might help you, it did for me atleast.

For what it's worth, I am well connected with my city's trans community. It doesn't help me much. It's also hard for me to look to the future because I don't feel like I have one. I feel like all my chances for an interesting life are well and far behind me, and I'm just swimming against the currents trying to make something cool as a musician.

Again, thank you everyone for responding. I feel pretty bad because my friend, who's trans, and was helping me a lot, told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore because she has bpd and is jealous of me and I don't reciprocate her romantic feelings towards me, and I was already feeling angry and dysphoric, so I'm just all over the place

 

[gvmi]

Everything you said resonates with me really hard. I unfortunately got traumatized by a man this year, so I can't even enjoy my old sexuality where I was a tad boy crazy. I already changed my name, I've already started HRT, short of surgeries I'll never be able to afford, I've basically done all the things I need to do. What's left? There's no gender euphoria left to tap into.

How do I live the rest of my life wanting things that I was born never being able to have? How do I live without being able to be cis?

I relate to what you said about making mistakes cause you didn't transition. I abused a lot of trans girls before I transitioned because *they* got to be trans and I didn't. Even the girl who I thought I was gonna marry, I met her pre transition, was horrible to her, transitioned and then I wasn't able to heal the wounds I inflicted.


For what it's worth, I am well connected with my city's trans community. It doesn't help me much. It's also hard for me to look to the future because I don't feel like I have one. I feel like all my chances for an interesting life are well and far behind me, and I'm just swimming against the currents trying to make something cool as a musician.

Again, thank you everyone for responding. I feel pretty bad because my friend, who's trans, and was helping me a lot, told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore because she has bpd and is jealous of me and I don't reciprocate her romantic feelings towards me, and I was already feeling angry and dysphoric, so I'm just all over the place

I resonate too much with you. I'm so, so sorry.... We don't deserve this. If you ever need someone to talk to, please DM me.

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

idk how but I have to somehow figure out how to cope with the fact I'll never be cis. Like why live? It's the only thing I want and I'll never fucking have it, so why bother with a shitty/mediocre life