Venting Another Statistic

[Fireprayer]

Hello everyone, hope you're faring better than I am currently. A bit about myself: I'm trans and I live with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. I was diagnosed 5 years ago and have been treated with all sorts of antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and antidepressants. I have been deemed treatment resistant. It's ruined my life and the lives of those around me.

I have a long term partner of 9 years. We met under much better circumstances but now I can't help but feel like a bother. I rely on him financially as well as my family. My family and partner are not well off and I know I'm a bit of a burden on them. I want to CTB because I know they'll be better off without me and I'm tired of living the way I do. I know they'll be hurt by my leaving, but I know things will be better in the long run.

I can't look after myself, and my depressive episodes leave me stuck to the bed for months. My hallucinations are nearly constant and I live in constant fear of the things I see and hear. I've been suicidal through both my depressive and manic episodes and even in between when I'm doing "normal". I'd hate to become part of the statistic of transwomens' and people who live with schizophrenia's suicide attempt rates, but life hasn't been the best and I'm tired of living like this.

I'm currently applying for disability to try and mitigate the financial burden on those around me, but I've been denied twice now. I've appealed and I'm currently waiting on a hearing date. I've decided to CTB via SN if I get denied again. I don't have a source yet, and I don't have access to PM's. Does anyone know how many posts I have to make in order to be able to receive PM's? Also, anyone else here schizoaffective/have schizophrenia?

 

[Scythe]

Hi, welcome to this online sancturary, fellow suicidal trans person, I'm sorry that you had to join because of horrible circumstances.
So for PMs I think around 20? Not sure, but I know for disability you need a lawyer to get because the government is an asshole and please at least leave a note for your lover when you die if you are not going to talk to him about your death beforehand.
Anyways, hope you enjoy your time here!

 

[leeloosnow]

thats sounds like a really difficult to endure, i understand why you feel like you do. i do wanna say that ppl being there with you thru it means they want to be because of something good about you, and that even tho it's probably not easy supporting someone struggling with MH that you must be worth it to them. that being said, i think it's like 10-25 posts till you can PM. a good way is on the offtopic games section, there's a counting game, word games, just go mess around with those for 15 mins and you'll have your dm's open. big hugs <3

 

[angelcircuit]

I am sincerely sorry to hear that, what you are going through is downright awful. I am also schizoaffective and transgender (ftm) so I understand those aspects. I really hope you get accepted for disability. Please know that you are not a burden and deserve to have a happy life, but if you decide to CTB I wish you a peaceful end. If you need anything my DMs are always open (when you and I both have access to those).

 

[The Eeyorish One]

I can relate in a lot of ways. I'm also a trans woman that's been completely financially dependent for years. My depression has also been deemed treatment resistant. While I don't have schizophrenia, one of my partners might be showing some signs of it so I can relate to that a little bit. I know it's scary for them because they sometimes hallucinate stuff that isn't really happening. Haven't had any experience with bipolar though.

On the topic of applying for disability, I know I wouldn't qualify so I haven't tried personally, but I will say the people I've known who successfully got on it were denied multiple times and really had to fight for it, so there is a chance still for you. It's hard and demeaning though, especially while struggling with everything else.

Personally, I've never cared much about becoming another part of the statistic. People will hate us regardless of the rate, and honestly increasing the rate would only really give a push for good imo. Like, I feel like the people who do care would find a way to use that stat to advocate for change and maybe if it's higher it'll be more convincing, idk. The only downside really is it's one less out trans person that can offer comfort/visibility to others.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah you don't owe it to anyone to avoid CTB just to not contribute to the rate. After all there are clear reasons why it's so high.