another loss

[littlered1497]

I have been wanting to CTB for months now after my boyfriend was murdered this year. I ordered SN and found myself getting lazy after I received it because now all i do is lay in bed with no motivation, not even to CTB. I had already written my letters prior to receiving SN because i knew for a fact i wanted to CTB, however i am such a particular person i have wanted to re-write them because at the time of writing them i felt frantic, now i am calm. I haven't even had the energy to do that and it makes me feel even worse about myself.
To make things worse, my step sister passed away tonight. I feel like death is taunting me because for so long it's all i've wanted, but my loved ones are being taken instead. I don't know how i'll be able to CTB soon after this loss for the sake of my family, but i also don't know how much more i am able to take. I'm terrified of life now, it only makes sense to me to decide to end my own life instead of living in fear of waiting to die if that makes sense.

 

[whywere]

I am so sorry for your loss of your step sister. My heart broke in a millon pieces when I read your post. Please try and remember that you have your global family here to help you and I would like to offer any help that I may be able to do. Life is short and it is always darkest before dawn. Now that is in reference to the pain of losing your step sister. What ever works best for you is what you should do. My only thought in this matter, and NOT be nosey at all, is ctb so close to losing your step sister on your family AND you also. Just giving ideas, PLEASE DO NOT ZING ME, just trying to be thoughtful and kind and help make a clear decision is all. Walter

 

[littlered1497]

Thank you so much for your reply Walter, it means so much to me. I definitely do not want to inflict anymore pain on my family during this time and i'm so mad at myself right now for feeling the way that i do. We're the same age and i know she wasn't ready to leave earth, however i have been ready since the day my boyfriend was murdered, so to me it doesn't feel fair. i also know that life is not fair, that's just how things go. i really don't know where i will go from this, in one direction like i said i do not want to hurt my family even more during this time, in the other direction i'm feeling the pain of losing my love and attending his funeral all over again like it just happened.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I am sorry to hear of your situation. This does sound stressful to deal with.

 

[OminousVaL]

You are heard.

 

[Umbrellaterm]

after my boyfriend was murdered

Murder? Why?

 

[littlered1497]

Murder? Why?

his so called "friend" stabbed him in the neck during an argument between the two.

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

Sounds like they weren't very smart.

Was the argument about drugs?

Dude come on..

 

[Umbrellaterm]

Dude come on..

What? I'm curious as the cat.

 

[flower]

that's a lot for one person to go through, i'm so sorry for all the loss you've had

 

[Lilacmoon]

What? I'm curious as the cat.

maybe the cat should stay home and nap <3
but that sounds really hard, OP, I'm sorry you have to deal with all of that.

 

[littlered1497]

maybe the cat should stay home and nap <3
but that sounds really hard, OP, I'm sorry you have to deal with all of that.

thank you so much. And no, it no the argument was not about drugs. It really doesn't matter what it was about though because he didn't deserve what happened to him.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry to hear you have endured so much loss. We are all here for you. Sending you so many hugs.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

thank you so much. And no, it no the argument was not about drugs. It really doesn't matter what it was about though because he didn't deserve what happened to him.

I'm sorry for your loss. Just report then ignore these kind of comments. I always have to restrain myself from going at them.

 

[degeneratewaste]

OP, thank you for sharing your story. you have gone through so much. losing such important people in such close time proximity is crushing; I had to deal with this last year. just know you are so, so brave for dealing with this, and we are here for any support on this forum.

the chat function on this website really helped me. there are such kind people here. I would consider using it.

PS: ignore and report that comment up there. completely uncalled for. so many hugs for you, @littlered1497

 

[shay23]

So sorry for your losses, sending lots of love.

 

[littlered1497]

thank you all so much for your kind words