aidic
Member
- May 16, 2024
- 13
I try really hard to exist but depression, anxiety and uncertainty have always held me back.
I moved too fast getting into a relationship a few years ago; I really felt it was the right thing to do. I proposed. We moved in together. The red flags were not apparent until we had lived together for awhile.
They have severe anger management problems and cannot self regulate.
I am constantly told I am stupid, not good enough, I get screamed at, threatened on an almost daily basis. They threaten to leave me constantly and as someone who was abandoned as a child and had a previous romantic partner die, that really hurts. They know that's what hurts me most.
I feel any weaknesses, any vulnerability about myself I have shared with them is weaponized. I do know better now, to choose what to reveal. I never, if rarely ever confide in them or reveal when I am severely struggling. They say I am responsible for their rage and outbursts and they are shocked no one has ever screamed at me in my life as I am so stupid I deserve to be screamed at.
So, we had a really bad fight. Here's the scenario.
I wanted to be held by them and go to bed. I wake up very early for work. They knew I wanted to be held by them, and told me they would when I asked earlier in the evening. It meant a lot to me.
They remained in the living room for an additional 2 hours after I went to bed, and spent an another 1hour playing a mobile game on their phone in bed. When they are playing the mobile game, it's practically impossible to get close to them. The 1hour+ on the mobile game every night has started to bother me. Why can't they do that before bed? So I was upset, and left the bedroom to lay elsewhere and go to sleep because them playing the game was making me more and more upset and unable to relax.
Another hour later, they come wake me and tell me I'm being ridiculous, and need to come to bed. So I do. And they won't hold me.
The fight began. They screamed at me at the top of their lungs, spit in my face, threatened to hit me multiple times. They pointed out all of my flaws, mocked me, told me I am retarded and a child. And we're done. I am to get the fuck out. That all I do is pressure them.
They call the police after carrying on to the point we did wrestle.
The police here don't care, and I myself have never been a cop caller. Running to police to solve your discomfort in a relationship is extremely bizarre to me. They continue to throw in my face that I said I would call the police, once, almost 2 years ago. I never really would. I was just scared as they were threatening me, also to call the police... but somehow, that one time has branded me as incompetent and stupid. I cannot live it down.
They claimed I said I would hurt myself to show the police. I would never ever entertain such a thing -- fortunately, I do record their rages for my own protection. I told them I'd been recording and they backtracked instantly on the claim I apparently said I would fake injuries. Man, that is fucked up to say.
I left. Grabbed a few things. Fully prepared to finally let go and CTB. I came so close but SI is such a powerful thing. My face is all messed up from this attempt. They started crying, calling constantly when I sent them what was to be my final message. I've never heard this person cry before.
I'm so torn up. I just wanted to be of value to someone.
I also just want to go. Now I know how close I came, and that it will be there for me. But doing it without drugs would be impossible.
Sorry to rant all over the place like this. I needed to get this out.
I moved too fast getting into a relationship a few years ago; I really felt it was the right thing to do. I proposed. We moved in together. The red flags were not apparent until we had lived together for awhile.
They have severe anger management problems and cannot self regulate.
I am constantly told I am stupid, not good enough, I get screamed at, threatened on an almost daily basis. They threaten to leave me constantly and as someone who was abandoned as a child and had a previous romantic partner die, that really hurts. They know that's what hurts me most.
I feel any weaknesses, any vulnerability about myself I have shared with them is weaponized. I do know better now, to choose what to reveal. I never, if rarely ever confide in them or reveal when I am severely struggling. They say I am responsible for their rage and outbursts and they are shocked no one has ever screamed at me in my life as I am so stupid I deserve to be screamed at.
So, we had a really bad fight. Here's the scenario.
I wanted to be held by them and go to bed. I wake up very early for work. They knew I wanted to be held by them, and told me they would when I asked earlier in the evening. It meant a lot to me.
They remained in the living room for an additional 2 hours after I went to bed, and spent an another 1hour playing a mobile game on their phone in bed. When they are playing the mobile game, it's practically impossible to get close to them. The 1hour+ on the mobile game every night has started to bother me. Why can't they do that before bed? So I was upset, and left the bedroom to lay elsewhere and go to sleep because them playing the game was making me more and more upset and unable to relax.
Another hour later, they come wake me and tell me I'm being ridiculous, and need to come to bed. So I do. And they won't hold me.
The fight began. They screamed at me at the top of their lungs, spit in my face, threatened to hit me multiple times. They pointed out all of my flaws, mocked me, told me I am retarded and a child. And we're done. I am to get the fuck out. That all I do is pressure them.
They call the police after carrying on to the point we did wrestle.
The police here don't care, and I myself have never been a cop caller. Running to police to solve your discomfort in a relationship is extremely bizarre to me. They continue to throw in my face that I said I would call the police, once, almost 2 years ago. I never really would. I was just scared as they were threatening me, also to call the police... but somehow, that one time has branded me as incompetent and stupid. I cannot live it down.
They claimed I said I would hurt myself to show the police. I would never ever entertain such a thing -- fortunately, I do record their rages for my own protection. I told them I'd been recording and they backtracked instantly on the claim I apparently said I would fake injuries. Man, that is fucked up to say.
I left. Grabbed a few things. Fully prepared to finally let go and CTB. I came so close but SI is such a powerful thing. My face is all messed up from this attempt. They started crying, calling constantly when I sent them what was to be my final message. I've never heard this person cry before.
I'm so torn up. I just wanted to be of value to someone.
I also just want to go. Now I know how close I came, and that it will be there for me. But doing it without drugs would be impossible.
Sorry to rant all over the place like this. I needed to get this out.
